Moving across the country for love

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Moving across the country, away from all you know and cherish, is a big decision, even more so, if you are doing it for love.

If you are a pessimist you will not only consider everything you will lose in the process, but also what will happen if love fails or just isn’t enough.

Some friends and family will point out how many ways it can go wrong, how you will lose your job in the process and ask you what will become of you, when inevitably you return home, in whose house you will crash… I mean, after all, relationships fail everyday without adding the “moving away” ingredient to the recipe.

Personally, I’m not a pessimist and I much believe in love on top of everything else, so when the situation presented to me I had no doubts in my mind. Twelve years ago I moved across the country for love.

But there are some things you need to consider and think about before deciding, because sooner or later, and whatever the outcome, you will be faced with them and how you handle them may be the difference between the success or failure of your relationship.

Would you move across the country or even around the world for love?

  • Yes
  • No
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My own story

As everything in my life it happened very quickly, one day we were friends, the other we were going out, then moving in together and in the process graduating.

Well, to be real it took a while. We were neighbors for three years, but we never met. We just met on that last year and I’m completely convinced that if we had met earlier probably it would not have worked out. Instead we grew up on each own and ended up heading the same way on the same road.

I do believe in soul mates, but I also believe when people meet is very important, because, depending on where you are at in your life, you pursue and want different things. So, on that particular day, when we were both ready, we met and then everything was very quick.

After college, I was working already, and we had to decide if we would stay where we were, if we would move or if each one would go about their businesses for a while and have a long distance relationship.

I don’t believe in long distance relationships. I’m not saying all are doomed to failure, but at least it’s not for me, I need to look, to touch, to be.

So, the choices were actually just two, but then again it came up to one, because he just refused to stay where he was, because there was no sun, it was much too grey for him! And then you think: the choice is actually between sun and myself and he’s going with sun… Future didn’t seem promising or bright …

Well, actually I didn’t think that, I thought he wanted it all and there was no compromising there. He wanted us to move to where was sunny and peaceful.

To be fair it was nothing new, even before we started going out I was warned that once he graduated he wanted to return home, I just didn’t believe he actually meant it. But knowing him now, after all these years, it makes perfect sense, it was not just the sun, it was everything about it and he believed that it was the best choice for us, that we would have a better life here.

You see, we are very different, opposites even, though not all the way. We complement each other, our way of thinking, our knowledge, but at the same time we have the same values and we want the same things, because without that it just wouldn’t work. We wanted the same things in different places. And every time I looked at him I thought, here he is, my soul mate.

It all came down to this – If I believed in us? If I believed it could work? And I believed. I knew I loved him, I believed that he loved me (sun and all) and that we were meant to be.

Therefore, I moved across the country for love, left my home, my family, my friends, not quite sure where I was going, what I was going to do or to find. Cried all the way. It was December, it was raining like crazy when we left, freezing cold. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was doing the right thing. Then, at some point of our journey, the sun came out and it was really something, it was bright, it was sunny and the cold gone or it seemed like it. I got out of the car, took my jacket off and everything seemed bright, especially our future.

Here, we built a home and raised a family and I am certain now of where I am. And he was right; it was terribly grey up there. Sunlight is a blessing.

Twelve years past from that day, here we are, now married with two kids and still I cannot think of a better man to be at my side, so it was a good choice, believing in love, believing in us.

But it wasn’t all just peaches and a decision such as this raises issues in a relationship that wouldn’t exist otherwise. So, regardless of love, there are a few things that need to be considered.

Is love enough?

  • Yes, if it is real
  • No, it fades over the years
  • Depends, but you will still have regrets, no matter how strong the love
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Considerations to be made

If you are leaving your home for a man or a woman there are a few things, which you need to know and to think about, before making your decision:

- Foreign land: Even in the same country, different areas imply different habits, cultures, foods, music, words. You will have to get used to all. You are bound not to like certain things. You will probably miss others you left behind, sometimes terribly. But you can’t complain about it much, after all it was (or it should have been) your decision, so the only person to blame is you;

- Family: Not only you will be away from your family, but you are stuck with someone else’s. At some point it will seem terribly unfair that you have to put up every other day with someone else’s relatives (like them or not), while you never get to see your family – again, your own fault – but it won’t seem fair anyway;

- Friends: Usually people say that once you start working friendships change, because it seems that there is always an hidden agenda. So, you leave your friends behind and it will be harder to make new ones, because you are working, because most people already have their group of friends and because you wonder if they are really interested in becoming friends or … The friends you left behind ,obviously, will go about their business, as they should, totally oblivious of your new reality;

- Visits: Life, work, money, children will probably not allow you to visit your family and friends as much as you would like. In the beginning you make a plan, you will visit them every three months, let’s say, but the fact is that after a while the three months turn to four, then to five… So, you must be prepared, maybe you won’t get to see them as much. Then there is another problem with visits, because you are so far away you’ll probably have to stay in someone else’s house or they have to stay with you if they visit and that’s all very fine, but the fact is that probably you just wished to have dinner with them or go to the beach and then each would go their separate ways, but because of distance there is no middle ground, you either see them too much or don’t see them at all;

- Kids: If you have children you will even miss your family more. You will realize that your children will have no bond to your family, that to the children your family will just be some foreign people they get to see twice a year for two or three days and that will probably make you sad. You won’t have family around to help out just in case you need something. Well, you do have family around, but it’s just not your own.

Well, basically there will always be some kind of nostalgia for what could have been or what you left behind. Can you live with that and don’t let it get in the way of your love? Because when things get rough, you may want to shout out what you did for him/her, what you are missing out, you may even think about blaming him/her.

The questions you must ask are: can I live with this? Is this love enough to make up for what I’m giving up? Because if it is, then it is worth it, even though you will still always miss what you left behind.

The fact is you can’t resent that person, especially because it was your choice. You can’t be bitter about it, bitterness destroys relationships. So, you can’t go down that road.

On the other side

There is another person involved, of course; what that person will do, how that person will behave makes all the difference in the world and that will tell you, also, how much that person loves you.

He or she must be willing to support you in every way, it’s not just you are moving, you are moving away for that person, otherwise you wouldn’t and that deserves a lot of love and respect.

In my case from the moment I decided, my husband held me and told me I wouldn’t regret it and I haven’t. He also made some silly promises he couldn’t keep, like we would visit my hometown every two weeks – how?

You see, apart from this moving away bit (really, there was no chance of compromise), he just doesn’t bear to see me unhappy, so he tries his best to do what he thinks makes me happy. And that makes a lot of difference. Obviously, sometimes he winds up promising or trying to do something very silly.

And that is another important bit, that person must want to make you happy and must believe he/she can.

Anyway, a decision such as this is about commitment, so you should talk. Talk about fears you both have, about what to expect, about what you believe.

Source

Just do it

But then, after thinking, after talking, you must decide and the bottom-line is, if you love that other person and if you think it will be worth it, that what you will leave behind he/she will make up for and if the fact that you are together is the best thing in your life, well, stop thinking, just do it.

There is always a chance you can crash and burn, but then again it might be just the other way around.

Remember, if you go for it you will know, you will be sure, if it works out great, if it doesn’t… But you will know. If you don’t do it, you will always wonder, it will be that one thing, it will be that one guy… and that can turn you bitter, also.


____________________________________

Rocking your eyes on a rainbow

Dancing struck by your passion

Then the world slowly sinks into the crazy midnight heat

And Hell, that was me, falls asleep in your scent

And dives into a deep lake

To be found in a coral and live of a kiss...

____________________________________


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© Copyright Mar 29 2012 / Algarveview.hubpages.com. To use part or the whole article you must first get written permission from the author. Feel free, nonetheless, to use an intro of the hub with a link to the article here on hubpages for the rest of the article.

© 2012 Joana e Bruno

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Comments 23 comments

acewebdesign profile image

acewebdesign 4 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia

It's a fact..that when you move for a person you love..its for the good..and it does not really limit to the woman..even man can..and i don't think its wrong..!!


algarveview profile image

algarveview 4 years ago from Algarve, Portugal Author

Hello, acewebdesign, you are right, it is a good thing, even if it goes wrong, you are putting yourself out there, you are going all the way, we really need to do those things in our life, to have stories to tell, to really live and if it goes well... :), right? Thanks for reading and commenting and have a great day!


Global-Chica profile image

Global-Chica 4 years ago from New York, NY

Hey Algarveview! I can really relate - I moved from the US to Portugal for love almost two years ago and I'm happy I did it. How we're both planning on moving back to the US together.


algarveview profile image

algarveview 4 years ago from Algarve, Portugal Author

Hello, Global-Chica, that is really something, quite a change, but I know what you mean, and across the country or to another country, it wouldn't have made a difference, I would have done it anyway... It's just something we have to do... All that love, right? Anyway, it's not easy and it does not get easier with time, especially with kids. It's really great that you're thinking of moving back to U.S., after all that way you both get to do something for the other. Hold on to each other and all the best!


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma

Just beautiful children. You are an adorable family. I think you made the right decision. Of course you know by now that you will have problems and disagreements but if you work at it and keep your love strong it will endure.

I think sometimes being away from family and all that is familiar makes for a stronger marriage because you only have each other to cling to and no one to run to.


algarveview profile image

algarveview 4 years ago from Algarve, Portugal Author

Hello, Pamela, thank you for your words, for reading and commenting... Indeed, it's a lot of work, but worth it, every step of the way was worth it. And you are right, I think part of the reason why we are so close to each other is because of this decision, moving away, follow love. I know someone that chose to give up instead, and after 20 years still regrets it. So I think that it's the kind of thing that you really need to go ahead and do it. So what if it goes wrong? I mean, it can also work out... And we don't have to wonder... All the best to you and have a great day!


Rosemay50 profile image

Rosemay50 4 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

It is a hard thing to do but if the relationship is a good one couples will survive and grow stronger

I think anyone should go for it. You can always go back home if it doesn't work out, but you will never know what you missed out on if you don't try.

Good hub , great topic


algarveview profile image

algarveview 4 years ago from Algarve, Portugal Author

Hi, Rosemay, thanks for reading and commenting, I'm glad you liked. You are right, if it doesn't work out, we can just go back... I remember my grandmother telling me just so at that time, she said, go, just go, otherwise you'll always regret it. All the best!


Sonya L Morley profile image

Sonya L Morley 4 years ago from Edinburgh

This is a lovely article and the advice you offer is well-thought out and practical. It can be so easy to jump into a situation without considering what it will really be like, especially once the children are born too! That can add a whole new dimension to being around someone else's family! Great hub.


algarveview profile image

algarveview 4 years ago from Algarve, Portugal Author

Hi, Sonya, you are totally right, it can give a whole new meaning to the word family and once the kids are born... Well, especially if your view on life and raising kids is different from theirs, you are really in for a surprise. :) In spite of all that it can be worth it, but it's something to consider. Thanks for reading and commenting and have a wonderful day!


Kristy 4 years ago

I will be moving from CA to MD in two months, for love. My family, mostly my mother, are not very supportive of my decision. We have been doing the long distance thing for almost two years and I'm ready to just jump in. It is a big decision to make and there are a lot of things to think about. I am fortunate that my job will allow me to transfer. But even with all the "responsible" things to consider before moving, they all go out the door when we talk and I can hear how excited he is. Hopefully my story will be as happy as yours! Thanks for sharing.


algarveview profile image

algarveview 4 years ago from Algarve, Portugal Author

Hi, Kristy, first of all I wish you all the luck in the world... then, I would like to tell you my mom wasn't very supportive either, I think she couldn't bear being away from me... but actually after a while she told me she was very happy, because every time we talked or when I visited her, she could see how happy I was and that meant the world to her... and it was much better than having me around, but sad... also, I think that if we don't do it, we will always wonder what would have happened, so it's just something that we need to do... and after all isn't that what love is all about... going a bit crazy? all in the name of love... just to be with that someone we cannot live without... I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart...


David Johnson 3 years ago

I think doing anything for love, like moving across the country, is always worth it in the end. Without love there is nothing, and life without love is stale and boring. Life is short so just take the jump and move across the country...we only live once! If you want to know the cheapest way to move across the country, a great guide can be found here: https://toughnickel.com/frugal-living/cheap-ways-t...


Patricia 3 years ago

Hello, I just listened to Enjoy the Silence before stumbling on this page, which I believe I was meant to read. I listened to Swift's version of the song because I am a bit more frustrated at the moment. I move a state away to be with my boyfriend two years ago, and we've been together five years now. Unfortunately, I have more problems than when I started. We moved here for his family, however it's overpopulated and expensive. He has contract work, and I've been unemployed 3 months now. We struggle to get by, and my family keeps asking when is he going to marry me. He tells me he's trying but it seems nothing has changed for the better, and his mind isn't on marriage or kids which is what I really want. Also, his family is very meddling and selfish and want him all to themselves. So they disrespect me, especially his mother. She pays his bills and throws money at him to keep him dependent-everything is in her name. He and his mom have a sick co-dependancy. It's a matter of convenience for him. I'm starting to lose sight of a future with him. I stay because I believe he is my soulmate, I am not happy, but I know there is a lot of potential. I feel like I'm waiting for him to grow up, a dog waiting for a bone. Without my family I feel like a lone ant trying not to be squashed. I am thinking of going back home for a three month break for him to really reflect, find a more affordable place to live, and to think if he wants to keep me in his life. I think five years is enough time for him to decide if he wants to marry me. I'm not one of those girls who can wait forever for a ring. I know even poor people can make it happen. Ijust think he isn't ready for the things I want. I'm going to be 30 soon, and am really starting to think about what I want. Am I being selfish pushing him towards what I also want? What I want is to be made an honest woman of and kids, and I'm not ok with "one day" anymore. Do you think it's best I go home? Any advice would help.


algarveview profile image

algarveview 3 years ago from Algarve, Portugal Author

Hi, Patricia, I really can relate to a lot you talked... We do feel loners away from family and friends and the thing is I think we always will, especiallly more so when things get rough, because we have nobody to suport us. Now, if this true, it's even more difficult if that special someone isn't there 100 % for us. Fortunatelly my husband was always there for me, he always put me first. My mother-in-law is not an easy person, I mean if she could she would move in with us, but for me he established some boundaries and he doesn't allow her to cross them, so that helped, because I know that even if I have no one else, I have him. The other thing is that all the family meddling only gets worse once we have kids, I mean it's really bad, it's "I want to scream and run" sort of bad. Imagine having your first baby, well in my case I had twins, having your family miles away and having your boyfriend's family all over the baby, trying to tell you what to do... Again, run, scream, etc, etc... Personally, I can live with all that, because he's totally on my side, because he stands up for me and always puts me in first place, but if he wouldn't... You know... Now, this is just my view, you both need to figure out what you want and what you should change or not to get it, but you should find a way so that you both are happy... I mean, if now is difficult, after the children come... Anyway, I hope things work out for you and I wish you all the best! Take care!


Kay 3 years ago

Currently, we are waiting to here if he got a job cross country. Both of us would be leaving everyone behind. I try to talk to my mom and friends but they see any nervousness as doubt. There is not a doubt in my mind about him or us. We compliment each other perfectly, and have the same plans and ideas for the future. But I hate that I can't talk to anyone. Of course, I'm scared I have never liked change, but I have never let that stop me before. The ring is coming he is just waiting to get a teaching job. And I know once we do get engaged everyone will say too fast just because we may move. If I had one person support this and help me I wouldn't be so scared. Pretty much the decision is made in my mind, but I hate being told God is telling me something because I'm nervous.


algarveview profile image

algarveview 3 years ago from Algarve, Portugal Author

Hello, Kay, I think we are all more or less scared of changes and usually our family is afraid we end up getting hurt, which can happen... But we never know if we don't try to if we don't we will probably always wonder what if, right? So, that was enough for me, my love for him and the notion that I would always regret it if I didn't gave us a chance wherever we were going... Then I thought, if it doesn't work out I can always come back... So, here I am today, still in love and it worked out fine. Missing my family very much, but happy nonetheless. I hope it works out for you whatever you decide... All the best and take care!


Struggling Independent 3 years ago

Hello, I came across this wonderful hub and it spoke volumes to me. I have been looking for so many outlets and I just loved this. I just moved to a very small town in Illinois 3 weeks ago from busy, hectic Los Angeles, CA and I must say it has been an extremely difficult adjustment. I miss my family/loved ones/friends terribly and dealing with his has been so hard. I search every day for things to do and in this small town there's not much at all. I haven't been myself lately and as you said, "it was my decision and I can't resent him for anything". I've been very independent and successful my whole life in CA and my love doesn't want me to work which is the type of life I've always wanted, stay at home mom and wife, but currently I feel stuck in the middle, no longer being a successful career woman and not yet a wife or mother. Again, I enjoyed some of the advice I've seen above and any insight would be greatly appreciated.


Justsilvie 3 years ago

Lovely Story. I have done it twice! And no regrets!


lovehate88 2 years ago

How did things work out for you struggling Independent?


perfectlyimperfect 2 years ago

Tomorrow is the day I move away for good for love. We both grew up together I'm 23 and he is 27 so for the past 10 or 11 years we have known each other. My only problem is that I have some people in my family that don't see it as a good idea because they are afraid I could be hurt in the end. The only thing we are 100% sure of is we love one another and we want to be together and build a family. I beat myself up about moving so much because I don't want anyone to feel as though I've abandoned them. Especially my sisters. Our mom passed away when I was 16 and its been the 3 of us ever since. I tell them to just trust my decision and even if it leads me down the wrong path I still have to do it. Rather than worry what if? Any advice? Please no mean comments.. I am very sensitive about this subject. :)


algarveview profile image

algarveview 2 years ago from Algarve, Portugal Author

Hi, perfectlyimperfect, it's not about abandoning our family I think, it's about following our happiness and building our own family our life... I once asked my mother, what would you have me do? not go with him? and be unhappy and blame it on you? or go try anf be happy? If everything works out fine, then great, if not the only person I can blame is myself and that's just fine, because we have to do what we think is best for us, even if it turns out not to be, in which case we'll just find another road. As for myself, after 14 years, no regrets... I hope all turns out alright with you too... All the best.


anon 20 months ago

I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend is going to school in Australia, and wants me to move over there one I graduate. In addition to that, I am spending my last undergraduate semester abroad there to be near him. I can't kick the feeling that he wouldn't do the same for me though. anytime i mention the possibility of me not financially being able to relocate there, he says "well, we'll just do long distance for a few years". he can't even promise to come home over his breaks to visit. he says he needs to work. but i can't shake this feeling and it's really destroying me beause i'm sacrificing everything for him. i truly believe that he is the love of my life and my soulmate. he has always said the same to me, but now i feel like he only feels that way so long as the relationship works for him logistically.

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