It all started with a dog, and ended with God.

We met on Grindr, I never had been attracted to latin men before, and he was a little more heavy set as well, which was my taste. Although I had just moved to California and could really use some friends. He had mentioned he just bought a Saint Bernard puppy and sent me some pictures. I wanted to pet that damn dog so bad, so we arranged plans to meet up the night of October 4, 2010. He picked me up in his white pickup truck, and at that time I was a heavy pot smoker and asked him if he'd be willing to take me to go pick up some pot. He giggled, as his profile did say, "I laugh a lot.", and we were off on our mission. We chatted about non serious topics, and laughed, and really enjoyed each others company on our way to go meet Mary Jane.

On our way back, I felt a feeling I didn't expect to feel that evening, a quite indescribable feeling. I told him that I thought he was really adorable, and he said I think you are too, and got all nervous and quite fucking bashful. I had never had conversation flow so naturally with a man. We spent all of an hour together, and everyday after that until July 7th of 2011, we spent our entire lives together.

He was beautiful, romantic, utterly amazing. I remember things he did for me like it was yesterday, a few examples of this; on Valentines day he brought his guitar stopped in a parking lot, and began to play. Watch:

If everything was so perfect what happened? Well, Arnold and I had very different spiritual beliefs, I didn't ever have opposition against his, nor did he mine, or so I thought. As the love grew, "God" voice did too. Unfortunately I cannot hear magical men in the sky, nor can I see them. Towards the end of the most beautiful year of my life, Arnold began to tell me he was worried about death and that he was following the "wrong path", and things got crazier, he began to tell me people at church were telling him if he doesn't change the path he's following he'll end up in the ground. One time in the middle of making love, he stopped and shouted, "I just want you to believe in Jesus!" Two weeks later, I received the most devastating phone call of my life. Arnold told me he was moving out, leaving me. I immediately left work, broken, sobbing and confused.

As for me, I've let myself go completely, I'm not saying that is okay, or that I shouldn't try harder. But, I don't see the point. He was my world, I loved him so deeply, deeper than I can ever imagine loving again. They say that time heals these types of wounds but, I'm still awaiting for that natural relief from despair. In the mean time I'll pop a xanax, and in case that doesn't work. There is always more; I'll leave you with a poem I wrote for him.

i lie in bed,

half asleep,

jolted by such sorrow,
a cryptic pain.


sadly, this pain is the most familiar,

it cannot be relieved with a
xanax, band-aid or advil.



i can't keep this in the closet,

after all,

that is what led to the demise of you and i,

our enchantment was greater than any fairy tale,

i had ever read, seen or imagined. &

i had background with love stories.

our crossroads was where dreams come true.



please lead me to the path where,

the nightmare ends.
i have yet to find that boulevard,

i keep on lugging my soul,

which has been crushed, mutilated and torn

to tiny ribbons of shattered love.

searching tirelessly for the boutique......



you know,

the one that warmly greeted me that,

hallowed 4th day.


it's against my nature to,

be held back by anything at all,



the following requires a beacon emitting passion, desire & all my heart;
†- a severe oversight was made that doomful moment.
†- a divine being would

never

mutilate matrimony amid two enamored inhabitants of his creation.
†- if 1& 2. are false i never want to be a devotee to H.I.M.


to ü- he hoped you'd observe
the emotion he held in his loyal

framework. ü were absolutely
the jackpot to his existence,

his breath of life.