The 13 Manly-Thing I Failed Trying to Impress a Few Pretty Girls

Somewhere in a select place in a few select cracks, lies three-dollars and eighty-two cents, all in quarters. I could probably buy myself a top-brand of a metal detector and dig this money out, but like most small towns, there are packs of people who keep “their eyes peeled,” for dabbling into other people’s business.

And although retrieving all of my quarters from the dirty sidewalks would not be illegal, I admit that my actions would be suspect. So I am leaving my change safely in the cracks of the sidewalk that has withstood storms, ice storms and thousands of heels since 1972 and that way I know it will be there when and if I lose my mental abilities and fetch myself an Army-issued spade, green in color, and march myself down to that select place in the sidewalk and when I finish with my digging and answering our busy bodies most of the day, I will be almost four-dollars richer.

Why is this money here to begin with? I shouldn’t say, but I think it makes for a good story. It was here on this sidewalk that I first learned just how miserable I really was at impressing the pretty girls who either walked by or drove by on any given Saturday and Sunday afternoon.

Some guys have it. Some don’t. Guess which group I belong to. But in this sensitive, accepting society we have become, please give me some credit for at least trying.

By the way some of these girls would laugh in a very unladylike-fashion, you know, covering their pretty mouths when they laugh, I was confused at whether I was impressing them or causing them to laugh. God might have been telling me at (this) time in my life, “Kenny, I need you to nurture your gift of comedy that I am giving you. Do not strive to be rich, powerful or famous. Just be funny. Make people laugh. I am sick and tired of them moping around.”

I missed something somewhere for not any of the established cool things that a majority of males do in their single lives to get the attention of that certain female, worked. Each event “went south,” and some even “crashed and burned.” And I was left looking like a fool. My handful of buddies who were brave enough to accompany me on these “Impress Girls Tours,” laughed heartily enough. At me.

So, guys, as you read these . . .

“13 Manly-Things That I Failed in Order to Impress Girls”

See if you can find yourself and let me take you back to “that” time in your teenage years before you met and married your “dreamboat,” your wife now of 22 years.

1. Whistling at girls – is supposed to be natural. It is for some guys. But when I whistled, I sounded like a showboat coming to dock in one a harbor on the Mississippi River.

2. Long hair – on guys in 1972 was the “in” thing. Not for me. At seventeen, I started losing my hair over worrying about being drafted for Vietnam. And my parents would have laughed if I had asked for a toupee.

3. Flipping quarters – for some reason, looked cool as far back as the days of Al Capone and his hoods “dressed to the nines,” would lean against a building and flip that quarter or half-dollar and soon, some lovely girl would be his date for that night. I just lost my change as I explained in the first of this piece.

4. Leaning against – your muscle car was “the” ultimate in getting pretty girls’ attention. But not for me. I had to hide my dad’s Chevy sedan in order for the girls not to start laughing before they met me.

5. Having brute-like – muscles like Charles Atlas used to impress females like using a magic charm. God did not give me any bulging biceps or six-pack abs, He just gave me a body that was built to consume fried foods.

6. Foot races – among males was once considered the honorable way for two males to decide who would date the girl that they both liked. To see me in a foot race was very similar to seeing a circus elephant at the end of the line trying hard to keep a hold of the elephant’s tail in front of me. I was never that athletic.

7. Sharp clothes – has always been something that attracts girls. Just ask rock band, ZZ Top, who had the 80’s hit, “Sharp Dressed Man.” But for this failure, I have a good reason. My dad was the only one employed in my home and there was no extra cash for buying me a nice suit. And in 1972, there weren’t any girls impressed with a cotton print shirt and blue jeans.

8. Guitar playing – worked for a lot of guys who ended up happily married. Well, a Roy Rogers I wasn’t. And no, I didn’t stand on the sidewalk with a six-string strung around my neck, but I did carry my guitar from home and let it be seen through the side windows of my car—giving the impression to girls who never knew me that I just might be talented enough to sing and play for her.

9. Weight-lifting – in 1972, was an all-male sport. Weight-lifters like Dave Draper, Mr. Universe and others made the girls swoon when they lifted over 500 pounds without sweating. Well, to at least tell girls that I was into weight-lifting, I tried to work-out at home. I tried to build muscles by lifting my dad’s machinery he kept in his workshop. Let me tell you. A blacksmith’s anvil is tough to lift for any man. I found that out the hard way, so I never mentioned weight-lifting at all to the girls who did stop and talk to me.

10. Skimming stones – takes skill. Ask any guy who was raised in rural America. It is more fun when you take that special girl out on a moonlit night and both of you skim stones until it’s time to have some summer romance. To make a sad story short, I never got the hang of skimming stones, but I did learn how to make every stone sink “like a stone,” no pun intended, each time I threw one in the water. And like weight-lifting, this was another topic that was never mentioned to the girls who did go out with me.

11. Riding a wild horse – would impress any young girl looking for a date. That is if the guy who caught her eye could ride a horse. Need I go further?

12. Motorcycling – in 1972 was a very popular sport. Girls loved guys who rode motorcycles. Remember the late Evel Knievel? He was popular in this time for the amazing tricks he did on his bike. Not me. Again, my dad couldn’t afford a Harley for me to have dates on Saturday nights.

13. Diving – into swimming holes and pools were not my “call to glory.” I wasn’t like a duck that “took to the water,” I was comparable to the stones I meant for skimming, but they only sank. Karma. Right?

If I do decide to retrieve my three-dollars and eighty-two cents trapped in the cracks of “that” selected place in the sidewalks of Hamilton, and someone asks me what I am doing on the sidewalk, on Sunday, with a shovel in my hand, I shall honestly-reply, “Oh, I am just looking for change in my life.”

Coming in the near future . . .”How Not to Behave at an Arts, Crafts, and Music Festival”