Men, Women and Domestic Violence / Beating

Since one of the biggest problems of domestic violence is denial, terminology helps identify the symptoms that go along with the problem. Perhaps, while reading, you will identify yourself or someone you love who fits the words listed below.

Domestic Violence has been around a long time, and if it happens to be a part of your life, the first thing is to be aware of it. So let's begin with our ABC's, just like school. If I forgot anything, please add it in the Comments.

A – Aggression, Anger, Abuse, Addiction, Alibis, Alcoholism, Accidents, Absent-mindedness, All or Nothing, Accusations, AA Meetings, Al-Anon, Antidepressants
B – Bullying, Blaming, Bruises, Burns, Black Eyes, Bellyaches, Broken Promises, Babysitters
C – Children, Cancer, Crying, Cruelty, Control Issues, Court Custody
D – Depression, Death wish, Drugs, Disorientation, Denial, Disrespect
E – Extreme Behavior, Emotionalism, Eating Disorders
F – Finger Pointing, Father Figure, Foster Care, Fear, Frustration, Financial insecurity
G - Grandparents, Grades falling, Guilt
H – Hatred, Hair pulling, Hospital, Help Line, Hot line, Hurt, Humiliation
I – Irresponsible Behavior, Incest, Injury,
J - Jail, Judge, Justification, Just one more chance, Jealousy
L – Learning Disabilities, Love, Late nights, Low Self-esteem, Lies, Loneliness, Loyalty
M – Midnight, Madness, Mother, Making Deals, Making Up, Making Things Right Again, Malnutrition
N - Neighbors, Nightmares, Neglect, Name Calling, Nail Biting, Nervousness
O – Oprah show, Oh No Not Again, Oh My God!
P – Police, Physical Scars, Punches, Pain, Pleading, Praying, Probation Officer
R – Rehab, Revenge, Rage, Religion, Reconciliation, Runaway, Rape
S – Shouting, Social Worker, School Counselor, Suicidal thoughts, Scandal, Shame, Sleeplessness, Stalking, Spying, Sexual Abuse, Suspicion, I'm Sorry
T – Taunts, Terror, Temper, Tantrums, Tyranny, Tears, Threats
U – Unkempt appearance, Unemployment, Unfit parent
V – Verbal Abuse, Vomiting,
W – Wetting the bed, Waking Up to Fight or Forcibly Have Sex
X – X-rays, Ex-husband, Ex-boyfriend, Ex-Wife, Ex-Girlfriend
Y – Yelling,
Z -

Long term, society suffers a great deal. Women and children suffer the most in domestic violence. Men can also be victims, and need to be respected for this, because all people deserve the right to live in peace without being emotionally, physically or sexually abused.

Life is complicated enough without the home being another scary jungle, danger or war zone.

The result of this is that society breaks down in the long term. When women and children are not respect, peace is very difficult to attain or maintain. Bullying reigns, and civilization evolves toward the law of survival of the fittest like the laws of the animals. In a so-called civilized society, these are backwards steps for everyone.

How can you identify if you, or if someone you love, is a victim of Domestic Violence?

Domestic generally starts with raised voices and high emotion. In the beginning the attacker may try to belittle his victim, lower self-esteem and isolate the victim as much as possible. Ego centric to the extreme, the attacker (despite appearances) is insecure, wanting to control the victim as much as possible. She can have a good day only if he wills it. Her life, activities and peace and freedom (or lack of it) is in his hands, when he feels the need to demand it.

From a normal, 50/50 based relationship, the attacker gains power from this terrorizing control. Over time, the victim unwittingly loses pieces of herself. Activities, friendships, hygiene, personal time and so on are now on the back burner, and all depends if "he" allows it.

Other forms of abuse are harassment, financial deprivation, waking up the victim to yell at or harass her, fussing constantly during a family meal, disturbing digestion and disallowing the victim to sit peacefully, and more. An attacker may also disallow personal items in the home, beloved objects, family visitors, friends, or anything else that gives the victim's life meaning besides the attacker, which he considers a threat to his position of control.

If your partner has a high temper, using threats, this is a big warning sign. Throwing and breaking items is something you may see on TV - but if your partner is threatening you, he is not joking.

If your partner yells at you, this is a form of threatening behavior. Yelling close to the victim, to the point of ears ringing, or waving hands in the victim's face is threatening behavior, especially when it is done so in a corner or place from which the victim cannot escape.

If the fever pitch results in an explosion – in other words – physical abuse, then the line has been crossed. This is not to say that emotional abuse is not violence. It is perhaps even more insidious, because it destroys the victim from the inside out, with no physical proof of bruises.

At any rate, when yelling and threats lead to physical assault, and then an apology, the classic cycle of abuse by Domestic Violence has begun. A final chain in the link includes forced sex upon the victim as a way of “making up”. This is complete nonsense. The attacker created the problem and then forgave the victim. This is just one more hostile action when it is clear that the victim is growing increasingly disillusioned and weary from having contact with the attacker.

90% of Domestic violence occurs in front of children, or when they are within earshot of the attack. This is also part of the humiliation. The children suffer as if they were beaten themselves, and are historically likely to inherit this cycle of abuse, either as an attacker or a victim, in spite of their best intentions.

Most spouses, well-intentioned and not the quitting type, leave their attacking spouse seven times before breaking things off for good. The victim's good attitude of trying to protect the family, hoping for the best, that the attacker will change with time, hoping to keep the family together, often come to the conclusion that this is just not possible.

Domestic violence may begin well into the relationship. 30% of cases where domestic violence occurs begin when the wife is pregnant with the first child.

For those who live in the U.S. - the law is on your side. Marital rape is illegal in all of the 50 states.

Thirty five years ago, a woman by the name of Francine Hughes. Her story was made into a movie called The Burning Bed, played by Farrah Fawcett. In 2010 the number of victims is on the rise, not the decrease. It is possible that the phenomenon of awareness is encouraging victim to speak out more than they did before. Only when the devil of mother and child abuse be treated as a threat to our next generation, to our ability to function as a cohesive society and the “bad seed” to be rooted out, will we overcome it.

• Victims of Domestic Violence often suffer from low self esteem, cry easily, act disoriented, may be always suffering from a cold or sinus trouble, and may have a pale, unkempt appearance.

• They may appear to have slept in their clothes or forgotten to brush their hair. Society turns a shoulder on those who do not appear to be strong, beautiful and articulate.
• Victims of Domestic violence most definitely fall through the cracks and only those who may know of the warning signs can help place the victim on a path to normal living.
• Most often times than not, the only solution is to get away from the abuser, if only with the clothes on your back!
• Try to get out of denial and admit that the situation is not normal. Talk to your children. Tell them that they are not to blame. Constructively seek solutions out of the problem - alternative housing, money saved for financial independence, and safe houses to run to in an emergency need.

Many blame alcohol, which can certainly aggravate the problem. An abuser is suffering from a personality disorder, plain and simple. When placed under stress, all others around him are to blame, especially the wife and children who did nothing but expect him to fulfill his role as a husband, provider and father.
Many abusers can’t hold down a job due to their inability to take responsibility or direction. As far as they are concerned, they know best.

Blaming their environment, the economy, and most of all their spouses, they are victims of circumstance that are experts at charm and manipulation. Responsible, hardworking and understanding types - Beware!

If you live in a potentially explosive environment that sounds like the description above, be sure to have a bag filled with essentials to be ready to flee at a moment's notice, if need be.

Make sure your personal items are easily locatable and can be locked or secured so that you can have them when you need them.

Telephone numbers, places to go (at least one) and a secret cash reserve is necessary. You never know when you may have to leave - and start over again. The more money the better, but at least a month or two's expenses should be saved to be able to find alternative housing and basics as you re-settle. Be smart and be prepared. Better to have it and not need it than vice versa.