The Man's Guide To Surviving Chick Flicks

Just like facing death and taxes, at some point in every relationship a man will be placed in the agonizing position of having to endure two hours of a near-fatal experience most commonly described in popular culture as a "chick flick". This is the tripe which spews from the bowels of Hollywood like a week old burrito, with no redeeming quality other than to make women say "aaaawwwww" and want to snuggle - usually right there in the movie theater. It's all good though, because the performances in these contemporary classics feature magnificent acting from the likes of Meg Ryan, Owen Wilson, Hugh Grant, Julia Roberts, and Reese Witherspoon as opposed to the hacks that star in "guy flicks" like James Cagney, John Wayne, Humphrey Bogart, Elizabeth Taylor and Barbara Stanwyck. Yeah boy, $12 to see Hugh Grant tongue-stabbing an aging Sandra Bullock, that's entertainment you can discuss with your buddies down at the steel mill.

If there is any hope of a man surviving a chick flick it lies in...well, a man's ability to lie. Abandon the fleeting thought of honestly telling your partner how you truly feel. To start with she probably would be aghast to discover what a shallow and heartless being you are not to embrace your feminine side (by the way, concerning this Freud was really full of s***) and secondly your desires have no impact on female decision making when your wife can view a 25 foot Matthew McConaughey for two full hours in Panavision. The best advice in surviving chick flicks is to shut up, man up and use every tactic in your male arsenal to emerge from the circumstance with your dignity in tact ( it helps to walk fast and don't make eye contact with another male for about a week).

As the movie begins let your inner male thoughts run wild and free, just don't verbalize them aloud. Take all of the nasty, sarcastic, vulgar and adolescent comments you are dying to express and make them turn into something that will be of benefit at a later time. Use the experience to work your wife's emotions at strategic times during the train wreck, errrr artful display of human interaction. A hand hold, a pat on the leg, an arm around the shoulder and a gentle kiss on the cheek ensures that food and clean laundry will be raining upon you for the upcoming week at least. Keep your eyes on the prize, and it isn't a 50-something Meg Ryan trying to recapture the essence of "cute" that she had when Jimmy Carter was in the White House.