Ultimatums and Moving Too Fast

This is a comment I got on a previous HUB:

"i was introduced to a girl 2 months ago and after just 2-3 times of meeting her i felt very close to her and had never felt as comfortable talking to someone as i had with her....we have alot of similar interests and share similar ideas for what we want for our future, so everything was goin well.......however i was told that i would have to make a decision with 2 months as to whether i wanted to marry her or not......I know you can never know someone until you live with them, and from what i do know i like....well up until now at least....cos i have to make a decision so soon i have to think about all factors, (which may sound trivial).

Based on what i know i like apart from lately when i've spoke to her she's sounded quite down and when i think about it some more, during a few of our conversations in the past sometimes she's been happy and others she hasn't, when i've asked if she's ok, she just says she's had a bad day at work, but doesn't seem as happy (on the phone) from one day to the next....this concerns me as i don't like the idea of being married to someone who's emotions vary from one day to the next..sometimes i think its just nerves on her part, but surely those nerves should disapear when we talk....ideally i'd have liked more time to get to know her before committing myself to her, but i was affriad of missing out her as i couldn't think of a reason not to say yes. However, now i feel as if i've dug a big ditch, but am hoping that she cheers up so the ditch turns into a mountain (cornie i know)........hope you can read between the lines and help me out.

-Ditch?"

Oh Ditch...

There is something wrong with this girl. Something really wrong.

Any time any one gives you an unfair, fast ultimatum like she did, run. Run fast in the opposite direction. It's manipulating and conniving. Clearly, it showed no respect for you and no thought to your reasonable hesitations and concerns. It is the kind of thing a mentally-unstable person does.

Any person can be on their best behavior for 2 months. The side of her yous aw was probably a very small part of her. You are right to think you can't know someone that quickly, and you have to live with someone to really know them. And these steps should be made over time.

I'm sorry you got tied up with this. I see that you really liked her, but I can also see that you weren't seeing her completely or clearly. You saw only her best side, exactly as she planned it. She held her shit together enough for 2 months. And why 2 months? Where did she come up with that time-line? Is that the amount of time it usually takes her to lose a guy? If it is then she knows she has to trap you before she shows her real self, because no guy can stay past 2 months.

Everyone has happy moments and down moments. But you're giving me the feeling that this isn't normal. The mood swings you're describing scare me. I'm thinking very big things here like the possibilities of her being bi-polar, clinically depressed, etc. This combined with her forcing a life altering decision on you so quickly really scares me. She wants you to fix her. She is depending on you for her happiness rather than trying to find happiness within herself.

The situation worsens: she knows she can manipulate you now. She knows she doesn't have to even be honest with you or herself about her problems or depressions. She knows all she has to do is demand something and you will do it. So, she has no reason to look inward and want to get well. She can just blame you from now on for every thing that is wrong. In her mind, you have accepted that role.

Honey, I'm not sugar coating this at all because I think it's that serious. She has some serious problems. Whatever things about her may have been nice are so far over-shadowed by that ultimatum that they can't possibly be worth your going through this. And, if you do care about her at all, you will want her to get the mental and emotional help she needs. Being her enabler isn't going to do either of you any good. I promise you if you stay you will regret it. This will only get harder and harder.

You need to get out, Ditch. You need to. For her and for you. If you're living together, you have to go. If you married her, my advice is speak to a lawyer immediately, maybe even consider an annulment. You can give her an ultimatum right back. She needs to enter into serious therapy immediately or you're gone. She needs to admit her ultimatum was wrong, and that you have every reason to second guess this now. But I can almost promise you that she isn't going to work with you, listen to you, or respect your wishes. I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear.

Ditch?

Ditch. Definitely.

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All text is original content by Veronica.

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Comments 17 comments

Isabella Snow profile image

Isabella Snow 9 years ago

My favorite quote ever : "Advice is something you ask for you already know the answer but wish you didn't."

Time to find a sane girl, Ditch!

(if there *are* any ;))


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Ooh, excellent quote, Isabella. Thanks.


Confused 9 years ago

wow! talk about a hit to home! the qualities in ditchs? girl are serious. But I gave a guy i was seeing an ultimatum too we have been seeing each other for several months and he refuses to define our relationship. It bothers me that after close to one year of dating i STILL can't introduce him as my boyfriend. I wonder am i pressuring him or is my ultimatum valid?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

Confused,

The thing about ultimatums is, you have to realize you have a 50-50 chance of walking away with nothing. If you make an ultimatum be ready to go if he doesn't come through with what you wanted. Otherwise your word means nothing and he has no reason to ever take you seriously again.

There are those of us who feel if you have to give an ultimatum you might as well walk away. If a good, normal, reasonable, rational conversation can't bring the two of you to a place of comfort and compromise, then what are you to clinging to? What are you there for? Do you really want to be with someone you have to threaten to get anywhere with?

You said after a year of dating he doesn't want you to say he's your boyfriend, but obviously that is what you want. I think we're well passed ultimatums. I think it's clear what you want and what he wants are two very different things. It is high time for you to move on.


puzzle650 profile image

puzzle650 9 years ago from northern

Great article and wonderful comments. Ultimatums have consequences, and if you have to make one, moving on is probably best. Same if you receive them.


markion 8 years ago from London

any time am met with ultimatums i try to change the subject, i certainly never give any!


brenda 8 years ago

I dated a guy for 10 months. He was offered a great job but had to go away for a year and asked me to wait for him. I asked if I did wait and we were still together after that time would he be willing to start talking about a future between us. He said he could not promise that. I felt that I would be wasting my time for someone would could not give me any reason to wait for him. It was not realistic to expect me to wait in the event he might change his mind. I broke up with him and have not looked back. I have changed my mind now about getting married and I don't want to marry anyone. I have learned I don't need to get married and I no longer want to share my living space or freedom with someone.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Brenda,

Thanks so much for sharing your story! Major Kudos to you for asking him his intentions after his return. I can't believe his nerve, to ask you to wait a year and tell you he can't promise if you wait he'll talk about the future. I'm so glad you moved on and never looked back.

Marriage isn't for everyone. I had decided it wasn't for me, then I turned 30, then I met my husband. And then all bets were off.

Best to you!


Balinda 7 years ago

I (someone who chose the marriage ultimatum) went through this with my ex-husband (the aggressor). We were both mentally ill at the time. However, when I finally gave him an ultimatum after all the ultimatums he'd given me, he failed to seek mental help. We had an annulment and I've never felt more free. I lived that hell for 2 years!


NJC 7 years ago

"Honey, I'm not sugar coating" :)

even I gave my boyfriend at least 8 months before he saw my dark side! lol jk first of all that girl needs to admit she has a problem if she can't admit it then she won't get help and ultimately she won't change....do u want to end up with someone that does not respect your feelings and has no patience whatsoever??!!! I DO NOT THINK SO


alexis 7 years ago

Veronica,

I love your advice! :) It's some of the best advice around!

Question: I've been dating a guy for two months who isn't promising anything about commitment, and is still staying in the relationship with me even when he KNOWS it hurts me that he doesn't talk about committment or exclusivity or where he could possibly see the relationship going.

I KNOW I probably brought the "commitment" questions up WAY too early in the relationship. But I felt it was ok to broach the subject, since we knew each other for six years in our distant past AND we were boyfriend/girlfriend for

1 1/2 years at age 18 and 19.

And damnit, I wasn't lookin' to marry him or reel 'em in and trap him right there on the spot... was just TALKIN' about the "POSSIBILITY" of WHERE he MIGHT see our future going... or where he MIGHT like it to go, IF things work out well.

OK... flash forward to the present time...

Here we are 20 years later (after not having seen each other for 20 yrs), and we caught up with each other through email! Then from there, we started dating two months ago. (And this is why I felt good about bringin' up the topic of exclusivity/committment... because I knew him and felt comfy bringin' it up.)

My 2 most IMPORTANT goals in talking with him about "thoughts about future commitment and exclusivity" with him (even as early as the 2 month mark) are as follows...

1) I wanted/needed to KNOW where we stood/where he would like to see our relationship go. (So as not to waste more time "waiting", only to find out that I'm with someone who does NOT want committment).

2) I needed HIM to be aware that I am "the type of girl who is NOT a "casual" or "Friends with benefits" person. But that I DO want a relationship that moves toward getting to know eachother and moving toward committment.

Ok, so he agreed and said, "No I'm not the promiscuous type either. And I do not see us as casual" but he also said, "I'm probably never going to get married... maybe not even until I'm like 50".

My thoughts? OMG!!!! I felt so badly. We talked more about it, and things have kinda soured since then.

WHY, Veronica, does he STAY with me when he KNOWS I'm a girl who WANTS commitment????

(I know you'll probably state the obvious, Veronic... which is "WHY do I stay with HIM, when I KNOW he DOESN'T want commitment?") and you'd be totally right if you're thinkin' this.

What are your thoughts? Dump 'em? Wait six months to a year to see if he MIGHT change his mind about marriage someday?

Thanx.


drake 6 years ago

hi Veronica,

i have been talking with this girl for 3 months now either online on the phone or in letters and she saying that she loves me and I'm the one for her and a few times she as talked about marriage and we have never actually talked face to face and when i send her letters she does not want me to put my name and address on the envelope and she never wants me to call her and she calls me from a different friends cell phone ever time and she only calls me when she's not around any of her adult family members and when they do get near her she tells me she has to go and any time we talk she want me to ask her questions plus she live like 25 miles from me i was wondering if i should meet her or should i just break up with her


poko 6 years ago

speaking on the original comment to drake, veronica is completely right. Run ditch run. I met the love of my life when I was 18 years old (i am almost 37 now). She showed her best side for a good month, a real good month. After I found out she was pregnant, I dropped out of college and had to do the "right thing" and marry her. She showed her psycho side soon after but blamed it on hormones from the pregnancy and i believed her and continued with the wedding. Psycho side still hasn't gone away. Long story short: we got divorced after a hard 1-3 years, I've got a 17 year old girl, still pay over 650 a month child support, and don't want to get married ever again (at least right now)!!

I have since been in a 6 year relationship with a girl that I gave a ring 2 to show my commitment. When I finally got to the point where i did want to marry her she left and got with someone that she said she never would. I found out that our whole relationship was a lie and that she was just using me. (I lost over a hundred thousand to the previous 2 women)

Then I met a girl who after 1 week "loves" me and wants to move in. After a month she tells me; "we've been together for about a month now, that is pretty good."--- What?, a month?, pretty good???---- Okay- maybe i want to think i am just that irresistable.... or maybe she's phycho too. -- she is psycho but i did drag it on for about 7 months just for the heck of it (and sex).

Enough about that; i was just wondering why some women can't just enjoy being with someone? Have fun. enjoy life, and if you enjoy someone's company than just enjoy that. You don't have to figure out everything in a month or a year or 10 years. And you can't make someone marry you that isn't ready for it. Oh they might marry you but then you have dought which causes a whole different kind of emotions (or divorce). And that is no fun either so figure out what you want already, or don't and enjoy what you have right now.


Mo 5 years ago

There really is no ultimatum in my relationship but I have been seeing this girl for 2 months and we clicked right away and i've dated many girls but never like this and I know for a fact she's special and someone I want to make my girlfriend and later even marry if the possibility arises but distance has been an issue because she's still in college and I am applying for law school while staying at home and then leaving the country for three months after next week and this week she told me she wants to take things slow and get to know me better. She believes that we may change as people while being separated for so long because I am gone as long as i've known her and had this unnamed relationship with her and although I didn't plan on asking her out till after I came back and spent quality time with her i'm taken back because we talked about our future together and everything and we moved so quick now I don't now how to all of a sudden slow down and create a pace that'll keep me sane while I am out of the country alone doing humanitarian work. I understand her perspective and I am willing to try but I am still hurt and don't know how to react and even worse, I don't know how to just press the breaks and take things slow after moving so quickly and introducing her to significant people in my life (this also goes the other way around).


Empty promises 5 years ago

Hey so heres my deal.... I've been dating my bf for 3 years and I love him very much. About 1 1/2 ago were talked about getting married and kids and everything and we decided that's what we both wanted and we even looked at rings However, he keeps putting it off and he keeps says he does just needs to saveup enough money for a ring. He makes a good living and we live together so bills are spilt and he still has no prob spending money on other things. I don't know what to do? I'm tired of his empty promises I want a family and marriage he "said" he did too..


Teedy 5 years ago

Hi veronica, i have know my boyfriend since i was 18 yrs old.

(we are both 31) we started a relationship when he went to jail a year and a half ago. we plan to live together next month. i have never shacked up with a guy before in my life. he has gotten my name tattoed on hi

m, we have talked about marriage and kids. he even said he was willinng to go to the justice of the peace to get married to prove his love for me. honestly i dont feel like we have to marry that fast just as long as he plans to marry me. i asked him the other night if he promised i was going to be his wife. he said he cant promise but he think so. im like wtf...now im wondering if we even need to live together if we dont have that common goal. am i thinking on the right path?


lovedupgirl profile image

lovedupgirl 4 years ago

Hi victoria

I have been in a relationship for 1 and 4 months. We have had our ups and downs as we do and I am 22 and he's 20. I just wanted to know if I'm doing the right thing. Spoke to my boyfriend about marriage just you know, out in the blue, just to know what he thought. Because halfway through our relationship he was saying how he wanted to get married and spend the rest of his life with me. However, the other day I said if he could see us getting married in the near future and he was saying how he's not ready. I told him in the beginning that I wanted to get married and have a kid by 25. He said it was fine, but now he's changed his mind.

He made me feel quite bad about it, as if I was rushing, but he never use to express himself as much as he does now, which is a good thing, but I wonder if he really ever wants to get married now. I said that by the time I reach 25 we'd be in this relationship for over 4 years. He's reply was " AND"?. I really do love him, and I've told him that I respect his opinion and that I want to live the present and not think of the future. But still makes me wonder whether I'll ever get married, don't want to wait that long and then he turns around and says he's not ready still. Please just show me a light? Thank you

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