When He Just Doesn't Find "Her" Attractive - Relationship Advice

Dear Veronica,

I love your hubs, and I will certainly appreciate your insight on my current situation. I'm a 27 y.o. guy who has never seriously dated because I think I've never met the right girl. Sure there are girls with whom I can really click, but I just don't see them in a romantic way.

Recently, I've been going out with this gal on a 'friendship' basis (we've never talked about 'us' yet). We really enjoyed each other's company and she has a great personality. I did consider taking this friendship to the next level. The problem is, I don't think I'm physically attracted to her. She is pretty short (I don't like too short girls) and I don't exactly find her attractive. I hate myself for being so shallow but this is the only obstacle preventing me from taking th is friendship to the next level. But at the same time, I don't wanna miss out a great gal just because I don't find her attractive. Perhaps I will find her more attractive later once we are more intimate?

What do you think? Im just confused. Hope you can help, thank you!

James

Dear James,

You're not being shallow. Shallow would apply if you were saying, she's not rich enough, or, she's not "pretty" enough. That's not what you're saying. You're saying you aren't attracted. You didn't say anything degrading like calling her ugly or something that would make you look cruel. You're just saying you're not finding yourself attracted to her. The short thing isn't shallow or mean, it's a general physical quality you can pinpoint on your preferences, and i really think you're only even mentioning it because you're trying to figure out how chemistry works.

The truth is that for two people to become involved romantically there has to be sparks. As much as you may rationalize that they should be there, they just aren't. It's almost admirable that you can see this woman as the quality person she is and that you wish you could find her attractive.

The word attractive may be what's making you feel uncomfortable about your chemistry. Certain things just hit your pheromones in that chemical way. You can't control that. Everyone has their general preferences. But the bottom line is that we don't really have the ability to decide who's going to do it for us sexually.

To address your immediate situation - No. No you should not try to begin something romantic with this woman that you don't feel any chemistry for.

You can have great chemistry and great sex with someone you don't have a great relationship with. But you can't have it the other way. You can't have a romantic relationship with someone that doesn't ignite your sparks.

The chemistry may come. This happens more with women, but it is possible that as you get closer to someone and see their beauty inside more and more, that you can find yourself falling for them and suddenly becoming attracted to them. But that doesn't always happen. You can't take a chance at playing with her emotions like that. You aren't attracted to her - hold off doing anything other than friendship unless that attraction changes dramatically.

Your email brushes a little more than just this woman. You said you've never seriously dated. You said you meet girls with whom you can click, but that you can't see them in a romantic way.

At 27, there's no rush and it's fine that you don't find yourself seriously dating anyone. However, there's a thread here. And I'm going to pull it. James, are you sure you're attracted to women?

Having this female friend that you aren't attracted to but that you wish you were, and having said you don't see the girls you click with in a romantic way, makes me wonder if you've fully explored your sexuality. At 27 you shouldn't be wondering about getting into a relationship with someone you aren't attracted to. Your hormones should be shooting out your ears, even if you aren't up for a commitment you should be more than up for romantic feelings. Feelings, that you're expressing you haven't had.

Maybe you haven't even thought about this. Maybe you have never thought about it, always just assumed you should be going for girls. Maybe this is the missing piece. Maybe this is why you click but you "just don't see them in a romantic way." Like I said, there's really no controlling who will spark your chemistry.

It is possible everything is just fine and that you just haven't met the "one" woman that will release all your inner sensuality. It is absolutely possible. I just don't think it's very likely.

I really do think something is going on here. At 27 to not see any women in a romantic way, and to be thinking about getting involved with someone you aren't attracted to, I really think something is going on with you. Something is blocking you.

Maybe your sexuality is different than you were anticipating. Or maybe it's something else. Have you had an event in your past that was traumatic, that might be causing some type of PTSD? It could be as tragic and obvious as a rape or death, an unwanted pregnancy, or something else just huge. But it may be something less obvious. A divorce? An early broken heart? Even something like flunking out of college or losing a job may make you feel your manhood is in question on some internal level. It is possible that something has effected you in a profound way, that maybe you're not even realizing is causing you to block out sexuality or romance from your life.

I'm a believer in going to the doctor whenever something is off. Hey you just never know. It wouldn't hurt to speak to a medical doctor and just see if maybe some blood work or a hormone panel is in order. If you are currently on any medications they could be effecting this too. I believe certain anti-depressants, heart medications, and other things can effect sexual impulses, and for some people those are closely related to their sense of romantic interest.

I know there is a huge difference between sex and romance. But I don't get the feeling you're having this very strong sex life, or that you have this very strong sense of sexuality, and that this lack of seeing women in a romantic way is completely separate. I think if it was, you'd have said so. I think part of why you wrote, and chose the wording you did, is because you know there's a bigger issue here than just this one female friend.

I really have no idea if this could be connected to something medical or pharmaceutical or physiological. But I'd rather hear it from a doctor in a private office visit than to make any assumptions.

I'm glad you wrote to me. My advice to you is definitely not to get romantic with a woman you don't feel romantically attracted to. And I would also very strongly recommend you look at the bigger picture here. Consider the options or possibilities. Make an appointment with your doctor. Consider talking to a therapist. Rent a Falcon DVD. I'm not joking. Be open and explore yourself. I wish you health, happiness, and acceptance.

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6 comments

James 6 years ago

Dear Veronica,

Thanks for your advice and sorry that I didn't make it clearer earlier on. Of course I'm attracted to women. But I think the problem is, I'm only attracted to women which I think could be 'out of my league' (those pretty ones).

Hence, I wrote and wish to seek your opinion if I should 'settle for less' and perhaps lower my expectations so that it'll be more realistic. But somehow, part of me feels that I should not settle and should continue looking until I find the right one.

Thanks again for your insights and opinions.


Dewey Cheatem profile image

Dewey Cheatem 6 years ago

I was lucky tonight. I found your hubs and started reading a few. As Ahnold would say "Ah'll be bahck!"


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

James,

You're not speaking about sparks and chemistry, which is where I was coming from in the HUB. You're talking about considering being with any woman who isn't a 9 or a 10, settling for "less."

It makes me sad that you have a high bar set based on the physical alone, and that you consider it settling for less if a great woman isn't one of those "out of your league" beauties. It actually hurt me in my heart to imagine this great girl whom you think you'd be "settling for LESS" with, because she's not physically beautiful. My advice is that she shouldn't settle for less, by being with someone that thinks this way.

I don't know why you are only attracted to women who are out of your league. It could be self-sabotage. It's not just that they are being judged on a physical shallow level, it's countered with your admitting that you aren't their physical equals. You could be doing this because you feel a woman of actual substance inside would never be into you as a person. You could be afraid to admit attraction to the same sex, or afraid to attempt actual intimacy, or you could be trying to relive some childhood event that ends in rejection. In your initial note you said you hate yourself for being so shallow. Something in you knows this is just wrong. If I were you, I'd want to work on any part of myself I "hate." It's like your own brain is telling you that this part of your character is just not good.

My advice is still basically the same to you - don't get romantically involved with anyone you don't feel romantically attracted to. It's not fair to her. And it's still obvious something is going on, so I still think therapy would be smart, to figure it out.


Frank 5 years ago

James, i sit in an exact same position, i am wondering what did you decide? was it a good move?


Mr Love Doctor profile image

Mr Love Doctor 5 years ago from Puerto Rico

Thanks for being so open and honest, James. Part of the whole problem men and women have with their relationships is that they jump into them for whatever reason, and they never quantify what they're looking for. This guarantees relationship failure. Just as you can't get to Washington, D.C. by heading to Oregon, so you can't get to a good relationship by going any old way. And Veronica, every point you put I agree with. I would add it's not shallow to avoid dating someone you're attracted to, no matter the reason, because eventually you will hurt them unintentionally when the truth is known. You can't fake attraction forever.


stricktlydating profile image

stricktlydating 5 years ago from Australia

Often I've dated someone where I've had no real attraction to them physically, but though they were a great person. Once the relationship moved along, believe me a very strong attraction grew. I agree that relationships need 'spark' but it's not always there in the beginning. You may feel it out of the blue when you first kiss, or even later on in the relationship. I wouldn't count out someone you enjoy spending time with too soon ;)

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