When You Don't Want To Love Her

Hi Veronica -

I read your article on staying friends after breaking up. I am in that situation now. I dated someone on and off for three years, and due to distance, we broke up. The feelings were still there, but I live in NY and she lives in Boston. I felt I could have done the distance, but she wouldn't even try. Since then (it's been 9 months), she's been with another guy, which she planned on hiding from me, but I found out. I slept with her a few months ago, but since then, she has become more distant. Most recently, she met someone while in DC, and said for the first time since we were together that she didn't feel bad about having feelings for someone else. That was in January. Two weeks ago she told me she is moving to DC, because it is "her kind of place" and she needs to "start over" and move away from home. Then she told me she was going to probably date this person. She made it clear that she is not moving because of this guy.

I am still in love with her, and she told me she doesn't feel the same way anymore. She wants to go back to being best friends, which we were for a year. I don't think I can do that, but we are in the same circle of friends. I guess what I don't get is that from my position, nothing has changed. I don't see her, but we talk a lot. The conversation is the same. So how can I get rid of these feelings? She's made comments about hints of us eventually being together, but then she will dismiss it. I don't want to love her anymore, but I know I can't just cut her off all-together. I tried once, and she wouldn't let me. Last weekend, while we were together at a birthday party in Atlantic City, she asked if I wanted to have sex with her. I told her no, which was hard to do. If she tells me she's not in love with me, but wants to have sex, what is her deal? I feel she loves me deep down, but she said that we are too young (22, 23 this year) and that it's just bad timing. I just want to not think about this all the time. Distractions are great, but they are just that. I don't want to be distracted, I want those thoughts to disappear.

Can we stay friends and can I eliminate these feelings? I can't see dating someone and telling them that my ex-gf is one of my best friends. It would take a very strong woman to not let that bother them I would think. I could be wrong, I don't know. What would make me happy? I'm not sure, really. I feel miserable right now. How can I be friends with someone when I won't want to meet that other person in her life?

She wants to be friends, I really don't know what I want. I've dated other people, and I really felt that this one was special. She has felt the same way, she's told me. I guess I'm just looking for advice on where to go from here.

Thanks,

Kevin

Hi Kevin,

You are smart not to want to love her. Nothing good can come from this.

I'm not surprised she sees you at a birthday party and asks you to have sex. That mind set can be explained in another HUB I wrote.

The sad truth is that the heart wants what it wants. And no matter how smart you are, it is hard to make the break. You said you tried to end the friendship before but she wouldn't allow it. You have to end the friendship, and this time you have to be stronger and firmer, and not let her sabatoge the ending in the hopes she will come running to you in love. Please be very clear about this. She does not love you. She doesn't respect you. If she had any sincere feeling for you, she wouldn't put you through this. Stop making excuses for her.

BTW, she's moving to DC to see that other guy. I'm sure there's more involved, but that is part of it. I promise.

It's one thing to say to a would-be girlfriend that you're friends with an ex. It is entirely something else to have to admit you're in love with her in an all consuming unhealthy way. Additionally, no woman is going to want to be with you until you reclaim your manhood and self respect. You have to end this unhealthy "friendship." You tell her you don't want to do this. And that's it, Kevin. You don't open her emails or texts. You don't answer her phone calls. You delete messages without listening to them. You just do it. It is hard as hell in the beginning, but it will get easier. After a few months you will see.

And once you're becoming whole you will be amazed at the caliber of women you attract. Like attracts like. You will draw what you put out there. Take some time to heal and you will see. A self respecting confident loving man will attract self respecting confident loving women.

Please read that article I linked above. There are shades of your situation in there. Try not to be defensive. You wrote to me for advice for a reason - and it's probably because you knew I was going to give it to you straight. Honey, it doesn't get straighter than this. You can't go on with this person in your life. End that "friendship." Now.

Best to You,

Veronica

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