Why Do Some Women Spend Most of Their Lives Dating Married Men?

According to popular reports, most married men do not leave their wives for the other woman. When most choose the other woman, it is after their wives leave them because of their infidelities. Only a small percentage of these second marriages survive. There is a BIG message in this, but that message is often very difficult for the other woman to grasp, mostly because she does not want to. Some spend years, even decades, wasting their lives, waiting, choosing to be at a standstill, accepting the short end of the stick just for a cheap thrill of an unfair hunt. Is it low self-esteem, lack of skill in getting an uncommitted man, or is it love? What kind of true love is founded upon wrongdoing? Whatever is the other woman’s motive, she, too, is a cheater. Aside from cheating the man's wife, she cheats herself badly.

Waiting for the Doorbell to Ring (model)
Waiting for the Doorbell to Ring (model) | Source

Senseless Waiting, An Addiction

What causes a woman to wait for years for a married man to make up his mind to marry her, just to discover that he never intended to do so? Answer: a woman who has been blinded by a semblance of love, and has not yet fully realized her self worth. Even if he leaves his wife and marries her, she will always know that he is stolen "love." Many married men promise for years that they will divorce their wives knowing full well that such a step is far from their minds.

Secrets

Where is the pleasure in hiding and always looking over one’s shoulder in fear of being seen by the wrong person? There are many to be avoided. Where is the comfort of freedom and dignity when there is a constant reminder that the daring pair is actually stealing? Every part of their normal lives is affected by their secret affair. They must be extremely selective with family, friends, social gatherings, shopping centers, grocery stores, and nearby theatres. There are many places and functions that they cannot attend together (i.e., family dinners, family reunions, and funerals and weddings of close relatives and friends.)

The infamous couple must reduce their morality to lying to their spouses, bosses, and friends when they want to spend time together. Everything they do has to be unfair and stolen as if they are criminals. This is the life of cheaters, the choice they have made for themselves.

A promise Is sometimes broken by a hotter line running in a different direction.
A promise Is sometimes broken by a hotter line running in a different direction. | Source

Lies and Broken Promises

To keep his mistress submissive and under his spell, the cheating husband will tell her lies that she wants to believe as truth. He may say that he sleeps in the guest room at home, or his wife has lost interest in sex. He may break promises because he has two lines traveling in different directions. It is not easy for him to manage more than one relationship.

The cheater wants the other woman to feel that he is all hers. Because she is the other woman, and is aware of his deception toward his wife, she may feel that she has the upper hand over the wife who is often in the dark, but this man works overtime to concoct lies and various other deceits to keep her ignorant as well. This man is in this game to entertain and please himself, and she is but one of his pawns. The lies become habitual, and every one needs another to support it, thereby, creating a domino effect. This may continue throughout her relationship with him. In the recesses of her mind, she may know what is going on, but she finds a false sense of comfort in remaining in denial.

He sends beautiful flowers and a promise.
He sends beautiful flowers and a promise. | Source

Wasted Days and Lonely Nights

The other woman cannot have that married man to herself every time she wants him. He has to play the good father and husband enough to prevent his wife from becoming suspicious. The mistress, or girlfriend, is expected to understand, for she has been conditioned to wait. After all, he is not her husband no matter how often she tells herself, "He is my man." She will have lonely holidays with a few sneak moments that he can manage to have with her. If she is "lucky," she may be able to go on that three-day business trip with him; otherwise, he is wanted and needed at home with wife and children, and he does not want to run the risk of losing his family. He may not be able to see her on special occasions, so, he sends beautiful flowers and a promise. The other woman will have lonely evenings and nights that are slow and uneventful because he has run out of excuses for staying over. That occasional overnighter, once padded with lies to the wife, is rare. When he does manage to give her more time, she is so happy to see him that the loneliness is soon forgotten. So, she continues to grow stronger in accepting the short end of the stick, the wasted and stolen moments.

A False Sense of Happiness

Yes, there are happy moments during an illicit relationship like cheating, but they are often short lived before the waves of guilt begin an occasional trek through the mind. The forbidden couple is reminded by that nagging pain more times than they are willing to admit, even to each other, that their relationship is wrong. Occasionally, they may talk about it. This experience is often the primary reason that the husband or the girlfriend/mistress will grow tired and end the relationship, sometimes after many years, but mostly after only one day to a few years.

A Rude Awakening

Some cheaters do end up divorcing their spouses and marrying each other. The secrets, hiding, and lies are over. That is a big relief to the couple who spent so much time worrying about the consequences of discovery during their courtship. Now, all of that is behind them. Unless the couple is of low morals and not inclined to believe that adultery and alienation of affections are wrong, or the Biblical teachings about the grounds for divorce are meaningless, that ruthless guilt will resurface and taunt them time and again. They may not readily share these feelings because they do not want the other to worry or begin feeling the same. Some cheaters, males and females, have reported ending their relationships after they were diagnosed with a terminal illness because they did not want to meet their maker with someone else's spouse. Few times these marriages last, but most of them, according to popular studies, dissolve because of the “demons” that they are unable to get around (i.e., guilt, lies, distrust, shame, problems concerning children of the previous marriage, etc.) A small percentage of these relationships survives. How encouraging is that?

16 Reasons Why a Woman Should Not Date a Married Cheater


1. He does not respect marriage.

2. If the other woman becomes his wife, it would be her turn to have a cheating husband and his turn to have a cheating wife.

3. It is stupid and exhausting to try to keep the affair from leaking, and she would be cheating herself of freedom.

4. The chance of him committing to a future with her is very slim.

5. He would be using her to have his cake and eat it too.”

6. She may not be the only other woman, and he will not feel guilty because she is not his wife.

7. He may never trust her because she dates married men.

8. If his wife finds out, he may blame her, the other woman, for seducing and trapping him.

9. She would be wasting her time, beauty, and life that she cannot get back.

10. She would damage her self-esteem and lose the respect and trust of others.

11. She may weaken her chances of finding a man who wants to love and trust her as a level-headed woman.

12. Other women, even friends and family members, may not trust her around their men, and they may not have the heart to tell her that her presence makes them uncomfortable.

13. She could get pregnant and become a single parent; if she is married, she could have a child that is not her husband’s.

14. She would be joining forces with him to hurt their families and others.

15. She may grow to realize the error of her decision when it is too late to save herself and others from the damages of an affair, including the possible loss of her own husband and children, if she is also married.

16. Because she may neglect to build a life around a family and trusting friends of her own, she could find herself alone, regretful, and very lonely during the golden years of her life.

___________________________________________________________

Can a marriage have a Cinderella effect? Yes, it can! They usually do, at the beginning. Now, the ending of the marriage, or the life together, if the marriage lasts, may be an entirely different story. Remember, CINDERELLA ended at the beginning of the Prince and Cinderella's marriage. We do not know the obstacles they faced as they worked hard to keep their love and devotion alive. Surely we know that they must have had problems. Of course a wicked witch must have tried to match the prince with a beautiful, but not so nice, woman who conspired with her to try to ruin the royal marriage. Maybe the witch tried to cast a love spell on Cinderella as she gazed upon a dashing knight who entered the castle to report to the king.

"They lived happily ever after" helps to keep a fairy tale perfect because the story ends at the beginning, and the readers are not given the life story of the pair. Writers are crafty enough to sell us the dreams that we want to buy, and that is what we get for craving happy endings!

Considering the high divorce rate in some parts of the world today, I get a renewed outlook on marriage when I see an old couple toddling along, smiling broadly like two suns, and supporting each other. At that moment I realize that I am fortunate enough to view a glimpse of the sunsetting of their life together. Beautiful! Then, I wonder how many distractiions each has had with others who might have been a threat to their marriage. Regardless, they survived the pressures and are around to tell their story together--the good, the bad, and the beautiful.

Realization (model)
Realization (model) | Source

Conclusion

Many women spend most of their lives dating married men because they become addicted to their bad choices. They fall in deeply and cannot see above the quicksand until one of them gathers enough light and courage to recognize the relationship for what it is and ends it. A small percentage of these relationships lasts. When they are over, the girlfriends, or mistresses, will be back where they ended their real lives and began their wasted lives; then, they will be in a position to pick up with a level head and a better sense of direction. Getting over a cheating affair is not always easy, due to the addiction, but it is quite possible to overcome like any other poor relationship. The outcome could very well be beneficial to all affected. Hopefully, the recovering ones realize that they are doing the right thing even if it is difficult.

Disclaimer

The contents of this hub are not designed to serve as professional advice to anyone who has dated a married person or anyone that such a relationship has affected. It is designed to share research findings, personal experiences, and any insight that commentators volunteer to share. Anyone in need of help or guidance after experiencing mental trauma brought on after dating a married person or experiencing repercussions from such a relationship should seek professional counseling. The author wishes you wellness and happiness.

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159 comments

dosborne08 profile image

dosborne08 4 years ago from Pembroke Pines, FL

Very nice Hub. I feel that the mistress is heading down a one way, dead end street leading to a treacherous cliff. The journey doesn't usually end with a happy ending. Voted up!


salvationarmy profile image

salvationarmy 4 years ago from Colorado Springs, CO

Morning, this hub is truly a sadden situation. Levertis Steele, your dreams and goals aren't worth this fight, you must-(LOVE)- yourself. Not what someone else has, your peseverance demoralizes your enemy. Being a **MISTRESS**-Is a SIN, by all meaning of the word. No self respect, and the devil truly has one caught in his trap. Because, when satan launches a strike against you-(MISTRESS)-it is usually through a person. It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man. What a MISTRESS needs to understand is- they are more than a piece of (meat)-they are conquerors, so they won't attract a-(SINNER) wounded animal. One last thing about being a MISTRESS-every battle is for a reason, every battle is for a season. Whatever you do today, take the time to listen to godly advice. True champions do.

Be Blessed


jandee profile image

jandee 4 years ago from Liverpool.U.K

Hello Levertis,

very interesting read that kept my attention.

jandee


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Jandee,

Mistresses need to know that they are worth much more than what they settle for.

Thanks for reading my hub.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

So true, Dosborne08! Thanks for visiting.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

salvationarmy, I have never been a mistress, but I have known many in my lifetime.

Thanks for reading my article.


salvationarmy profile image

salvationarmy 4 years ago from Colorado Springs, CO

Morning, you are always welcome; nice article indeed. Take care!!!


jandee profile image

jandee 4 years ago from Liverpool.U.K

I knew one 'mistress' who left her family of 4 children and ran off with the Fathers best friend. The 'Bestfriend'

left 2 young girls and his wife,who thought she was the best friend of her husbands 'girlfriend' !

Heartbreak for all............

jandee sorry it's a bit complicated...........


michememe profile image

michememe 4 years ago

Interesting Hub. The fact that I know women who are mistresses it's interesting to hear their side of why they chose to be one. Believe it or not, so of them are very comfortable sitting on the sideline. One woman I know was a mistress for 25 years. When the man died, he died in her home, and she had to notify his wife.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Jandee:

Those things happen. Sometimes people make decisions and get stuck not knowing what to do when it is too late to go back. I had a relative who left her husband and four children for a man. She could not go back, so she stayed in the relationship for the rest of her life and often cried whenever she thought about it, even into her old age. They get caught up and do not know what to do. There is also a fear of being alone. I wanted to help her, but I was young and did not know how at the time.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

michememe:

Your story is very familiar because there are many mistresses, and some share the same reasons for choosing the life. I have also heard of cheaters dying in their mistresses' homes. Some of them really want to improve their lives but are caught up in the addiction and and are afraid to make a move just like some wives are afraid to move on when their husbands have made it plain that they will continue to cheat. Some wives, like mistresses, choose to continue on the sidelines.

I divorced my first husband after he told me that he chose me for his wife and loved me very much. He added that I should understand that all men cheat, and I should realize that a man will be a man. I did not know that all men cheated, and I did not understand why he could not be faithful. I rejected his reasoning and soon rejected him. It was very, very hard, but I overcame him.

Thanks for visiting and commenting!


michememe profile image

michememe 4 years ago

Lvertis: your first husband was a jerk. What a cop out.


jandee profile image

jandee 4 years ago from Liverpool.U.K

Good for you for being strong. It's like the 'men' who call a woman a lesbian for not 'fancying 'them (when he said all men cheat) I refute that all men are cheaters,

jandee


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

I agree, Jandee, there are certainly some very good men who would never cheat on their wives. On the other hand, there are those who would do and say whatever it takes to have things their way.


adelcambre profile image

adelcambre 4 years ago from Mobile, AL

Great post! You definitely address a lot of reasons people go for unavailable partners and the major personal and social pitfalls.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Adelcombre:

I appreciate your visit.


molometer profile image

molometer 4 years ago

Cheating is just so low. For all involved.

I read a statistic that states that.

1 in 3 children in households is not the biological child of the father?

That is an awful lot of children, and an awful lot of cheating. Of course some of these children are from previous partners.

It makes a mess of everyone's life, who is in this kind of fake relationship.

Solution. Just don't do it. Or don't get married!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Molometer:

I agree with you, but I do not know how cheating women get away with so much cheating and babies by their lovers, but they often get away without getting caught. Husbands get caught more because their choices and meeting places are close to home, like wifes relative or friend, or a neighbor, or a co-worker. If women get someone close, she would likely meet in another city or in a safer place. Husbands, who are stronger, are more of a threat than a wife. When some wives discover that their husbands cheated on them, they do not feel guilty doing the same. In fact, some feel that their cheating is justified revenge. Many husbands are feeding someone else's babies, and many husbands have fathered children by their mistresses. Many truckers, for example, get away with a lot of cheating because they often have distance between their wives and mistresses. They usualy have more than one mistress. I have observed situations where truckers and construction workers did not give their mistresses their true identities and home locations. The women were left with children whose fathers vanished without a trace. They were probably married.

There was a time in past decades that women did not do a lot of cheating, but the increase of cheating men led women to do the same. Where men do not lead properly, they lose respect and control of their women.

Many cheating fathers think that their wives are trapped at home and cannot cheat when they have several young children, including a baby. How misguided they are! She can get a friend to keep these babies for a few hours. Housewives with babies often cheat because men use her busy life with the children as an excuse to stray. She often feels lonely, burdened, and neglected. He should help her and give her rest opportunities. This could be just what she needs to be more attentive to his needs.

Cheaters should not get married.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

Wow - this is a disturbing article. I guess I never really thought of it from the mistress point of view. Interesting... I hope I never have to deal with this ever!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Thanks for your visitation and comment, barbergirl28. The girlfriend or mistress of these husbands are seldom around when the grits hits the fan, so we seldom hear from them.

I researched to get most of my information, but some came from my observations in my lifetime.

Mistresses and girlfriends of married men need to know that they deserve better situations. The men and the families deserve better, too. It works for everyone.


mroptimistic profile image

mroptimistic 4 years ago from Minneapolis

I think that women who fall for married men may be more obsessed and in love with the life this guy is living and the family he has. It may be something they have never had before and their past broken hearts tempt them to go for or fall for what is not theirs. I think a man's financial success has a lot to do with it as well. I also know there is a common trend in woman going for the bad guys. I have competed with a few and they have always chosen the jerk who cheats over me, no pity just a fact I have faced. This was a very interesting and thought provoking hub.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

mroptimistic, Thanks for visiting my hub. Just today I was speaking with a woman who said that her husbands is leaving his second wife to return to her, the first. One of the second wife's regrets was that his son's family was not hers. She had no children, and she cried. Apparently, both harbored guilt throughout their relationship. So, the husband feels driven back to his first wife that he and the other woman hurt. This is not surprising.

You were right. This man had money and a family that the other woman wanted. Now she has no husband and is past child-bearing age. Even though she and the husband made mistakes, I do sympathize with her. She is older and without a family of her own. She cheated herself and certainly could have opted for a better life. I am happy that the husband returned to his first, and apparently, only love.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

I have heard of women who love the bad guys, and I disagreed with that point when I first read it. Now, I am hearing it from many commenters, as well as others. I believe that there is a lot of truth to it. I suppose it is the challenge that thrills them.


mroptimistic profile image

mroptimistic 4 years ago from Minneapolis

Guys can be jerks and I have talked too many. I really can not give a personal opinion on my own experience because I tend to stay away from relationships in general. I have my own issues and I will never mess with a woman's heart for my pleasure which is why I face loneliness. I have to say I respect women and really understand how a man can take advantage of their heart. The bottom line is the man who is married should not be messing around at all, it is his fault. He knows that the woman he is cheating with is glued too him. If he was a real man he would not drag the affair on for years. In fact he is screwing over two ladies at once. So in fact you can not blame the woman. You girls are sensitive and it is unfortunate that you get played. Sometimes guys can be ignorant and they actually think they are doing no wrong. The man and female both have hearts and feel. They are also thinking of their own agenda when it comes to an affair. This is a great hub and I hope that it will give awareness too women who may be falling in love with a married man.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Yes, mroptimistic, the affair is the guys fault sometimes, but it works both ways. I know that girls are probably more emotional than guys, but both are sometimes to blame. There are women who are so clever that they can make a man think that he is running everything when he is not running a thing. These woman can manipulate nearly every move a man makes, and he often does not realize that the woman is in the driver's seat. She can break up a man's home when he himself has no intention of doing so. Many women do this by working on the wife's emotions. They secretely make the wife aware of painful things. The other woman may leave her personal clothing in the wife and husband's bed; she may put lip (lipstick) prints on the back of his shirt; she may dab her cologne on him without his knowledge; or she may leave something incriminating in his car, like an earring or makeup. The tricks are unlimited. Sharp men know how to put a stop to her games, but, unfortunately, all men are not so visual. When the wife gets tired of the revelations, she may divorce him. Then, the girlfriend begins to reel him in. She catches him hook, line, and sinker! The outcome is another story.


mroptimistic profile image

mroptimistic 4 years ago from Minneapolis

Well put.


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 4 years ago from Chicago

Your article is very good and you offer excellent advice as well. Thank you for publishing this needful and superb Hub. Well done!!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Thank you, James, for taking the time to read my article and leaving such a motivational comment.


tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina

Excellent hub Levertis. I don't feel any pity for these women that prey on married men. I think they are afraid of commitment and want the best of the man without putting in the hard work of a relationship, which is what the wife does. These married men see the mistress as an exciting outlet and don't think that these mistresses probably won't be there for them when they really need them. I think this is why so many men stay with their wives when they cheat. Very interesting and a very thought provoking hub. It is such a sad fact.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Tammy, you are so right.

Recently, I was in conversation with a near kinsman who seemingly had an excellent relationship with his wife, but he had a mistress for many years. I know that he would never leave his wife. He ended the relationship because the mistress started pressuring him to leave her, and that was not going to happen. I just do not understand this decision that some men make.

Thanks for visiting and leaving your meaningful comments.


JessicaSmetz profile image

JessicaSmetz 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I think they get enjoyment out of being "wanted" and it is a challenge to win a married man. It really isn't bad choices per say, unless it was a one time thing.


LucidDreams profile image

LucidDreams 4 years ago from St Petersburg, Florida

Really nice hub! I dislike the women who engage in this activity just as much as the men who lead them on. They are both responsible and should hold themselves to a higher standard.

When you are married you made a commitment to another person you apparently love. This is your best friend and cheating is not part of the equation ever!

If you are a lonely woman, times can be tough but believe it or not, this is the same for guys...just maybe a little different. You should look to date with self confidence and self worth. Clinging to married men comes from a place of desperation not self confidence.

I wish people would work really hard on moral decisions and act with their heart and not the physical body all of the time. Cheating and low moral self esteem are two things I just can't tolerate. We can certainly be better then that even if we do give in often to our desires. By the way, I am not a self absorbed religious fanatic just spouting out how people should live their lives. I believe in carma and just being the best you can!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Jessica:

Thanks for coming by and leaving your thoughtful comment.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

LucudDreams:

"They are both responsible and should hold themselves to a higher standard."

Your statement of truth is worth repeating. Both of these individuals are worthy of a better choice and need only to walk away. Men often get most of the blame, but that is not always fair.

Thanks for your insightful comments!


dmop profile image

dmop 4 years ago from Cambridge City, IN

This was a well written Hub and I appreciate your insights. I was in a 16 year relationship married for several of those years. I was accused constantly of cheating though I never did. I do know that many men do though. I might point out is that there are many women that do the same things to men, either way it isn't right and usually doesn't end well.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

dmop, you are so right. Sadly, some popular studies and surveys report that the percentage of cheating women, especially married mothers, is growing.

Thanks for stopping by and leaving your wise comments.


sunshinesadie profile image

sunshinesadie 4 years ago

Thank you for the great article.

I am the 'cheated on wife' who should have seen the signs but believed his lies. How can I fault 'her' for believing the lies also and taking what was,no doubt, freely offered? She isn't the one who promised me before God and everyone that he would be faithful.

He's dumped me for her, still lying to me, denying the affair. I'm hoping it was her compassion that lead me to the truth via facebook... PAINFUL and humiliating but nice to know I'm not the supicious NUT case he said I was.

Now dragging me thru an endless divorce, refusing to sign the final, refusing to pay alimony, lying to everyone about me. I don't know how I ended up the bad guy since he's the one who cheated and I'm guessing now, with 20/20 hindsight, she was not the first affair.

I don't get why people get married if they want to fool around? I definitely don't get why people say they lie about it because they don't want to 'hurt' you? Lying, betrayal hurts so much it's a knife to the heart.

Every day is better, but I have to say it has been the most hurtful thing I've ever been through.

I would NOT wish this pain on anyone. Best wishes to all of us out there, picking up the pieces. Life is good! God is good!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

sunshinesadie,

Your story is very familiar. I once lived it. The pain is beyond description. The lies and false accusations only intensifies it. Anyone who does this is selfish and deserves to be united with their chosen cheater. Two cheaters get together. Interesting.

Don't be too quick to sympathize with the other woman. Even though your husband probably fooled her, she still knew wrong from right. She was responsible for her behavior. She was an adult, I presume. If she is truly compassionate toward you, she would get her clutches out of your husband and pull her beak out of your heart. Did she leave him, or is she still with him? If she is still with him, her compassion is about as genuine as a batch of arsenic.

Many cheaters get married knowing that they will continue their infidelity. They think that they can get away with it, and they usually do. Ihis is pure selfishness.

Thanks for visiting my hub and sharing your experience. I wish you well.


Vinaya Ghimire profile image

Vinaya Ghimire 4 years ago from Nepal

Unfaithfulness is a great turn off for many people. As long as they are in relationship, or marriage for that matter, I believe, men and women should not date other women and men.

This is quite and interesting analysis.


michememe profile image

michememe 4 years ago

I know some women who date married men, knowing he will never marry her. And she doesn't want that either. I have a friend who married guy died in her home. They had been dating or whatever one choose to call it seeing each other for 18 years. She was okay with this arrangment. They traveled together often. For some women it's less stressful with a married man. They know he has to go home, and he really can't put big expectations on her. Either way, this is a good write up, and I will be sharing with some women I know.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

I agree with you, Vanaya. To me, marriage is a seal of unity between two people. If marriage is not viewed that way, why marry?

Thanks for visiting and posting your views!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Michememe,

I have heard of married guys having heart attacks, and even dying in their mistresses' or girlfriend's homes. They have to die somewhere, and there is no guarantee that they will die in the right place with their pants up. I have heard of people dying in wrecks with pants down or in questionable positions. I suppose "He who lives by the sword dies by the sword" has some truth to it. What a way for family to discover infidelities! I could tell some other stories that I know are true, but they would not be appropriate for me to write here.

I will mention one more: A young woman I knew ran from a married couple's home after the husband, an older guy, had a heart attack while being bad. The woman was young and afraid, but she mustered up the decency to call 911. He was caught with his pants down. Poor wife who was at work and learned what happened when she reached the hospital. The irony of it all was that she later began to cheat, and he shot her to death when he discovered it!!!!!!! That was a classic case of someone who wanted his cake and wanted to eat it, too.

Yes, I have heard of women who felt that the married man was the less stressful way to go, but they do not really believe in consequences. I think a fitting lesson in quotation would be, "What is sweet in the mouth can be bitter in the stomach." That quote may not be accurate, but the point is clear, I think.

Thanks for stopping here and commenting!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Hi, I totally agree, but there is of course the other side of the story. Some women like to be the other woman, they may not want a full relationship, they prefer their freedom, and to see the guy a couple of times a week, this also gives them time to go out with other guys too, and of course theres the gifts from the man because he is apologising for always being late, letting her down and so on, she goes out with the married guy because she knows he won't commit, and that's exactly what she wants, and no I wasn't an other woman! lol! but I do know a few, really interesting, cheers nell


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Nell, you are right. I have heard a few women's confessions about the married men they date. I have never been the other woman either, but I imagine that some women find married men better choices of men who would want a relationship without a commitment. I have had opportunities to be the other woman, but that was not good enough for me. I would have felt too much shame and guilt. Being cheated on hurts badly, so, I would not want to cause any wife to experience that. I fear God and have no right to violate the sanctity of anyone's marriage or cause children to suffer the loss of a father in the home. To me, it is child abuse. Many times cheaters do not think about the pain they cause little children.

When I was young, I did not entertain the advances of married men, so, I did not allow myself to get to the point of not knowing how to let go. I stopped it "at the door." Many began with whining about what their wives were not doing--she moved to another bedroom; she is cold; she is cheating; she spends her time gossiping with her girlfriends; she spends more time with the kids than with me, etc. I did not care if the stories were lies or truths. They were not my concerns. I would say something like, " That's not a serious problem. I am sure you are man enough to work that out, and I wish you well."

I have made many mistakes in my life, but I am glad that cheating with a married man was not one of them.


Angela Brummer profile image

Angela Brummer 4 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

Great information. A theropist once told me that this was the way to avoid a real relationship!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Angela, I have heard this excuse many times. It is true, but it is comparable to stealing someone's shoes instead of buying your own.

Thanks for your visit and input.


sashenikainderby profile image

sashenikainderby 4 years ago

Thank you very much for sharing. I have a friend who had been the other woman for seven years. She never mentioned to me that she wanted to marry that man. When I phoned to her, she told me that she had scratched her lover's face because he had refused to leave his wife. I could not believe my ears!!! I am sure that she always knew that he would never divorse his wife.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Sashenikainderby,

I think most people know someone, possibly more than one, who dated outside of the marriage. Women, especially, can be very emotional and have a tendency to fantasize. Some girlfriends, or mistresses, feel that the man's decision to cheat proves that he favors them over the wife. When they discover the truth, they often express disappointment or out-of-control rage. The men are said to be more physical and are often in the relationship for extra sex.

Thanks for visiting and sharing your observation!


MargaritaEden profile image

MargaritaEden 4 years ago from Oregon

Very interesting and true points you make Levertis, excellent hub! It is a sad reality, that so many people cheat, and those that are dating cheaters expect them to be faithful...


idigwebsites profile image

idigwebsites 4 years ago from United States

Oh, how love does to them... the price of it... I don't judge mistresses because I know they're not inherently bad people. They are just dragged into that kind of fate. Everything happens for a reason. It's up to them to make decisions for the better or for the worse. But I really hope they should wake up... Great hub all around. :)


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

idigwebsites:

No, we should not judge mistresses, but we must care. Many mistresses do not have the courage to kick the habit until they are hurt badly or wake up very late. I have had a few in my family and they are alone and aging. One told me some years back that she was afraid to marry because she thought that she would be punished with a cheating husband. So, she remains single.

Thanks for visiting and leaving your thoughts!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

MargaritaEden:

You wrote: "...those that are dating cheaters expect them to be faithful..."

They really do! An acquaintance of my husband and mine was cheating on her husband when she killed her boyfriend for cheating on her. She and her husband were such lovebirds that friends and family were shocked senseless when it happened. That was a sad time.

Thanks for your contribution to this conversation.


idigwebsites profile image

idigwebsites 4 years ago from United States

I understand how she feels, we can't blame for that way of thinking. I think all mistresses all feel and think this way, that they are afraid of committing to their married lover even though they love those guys. Once a married man has cheated, it's very very likely that he'll cheat again if he and his mistress are now married. Some are okay being just the girlfriend, without the benefit of marriage.

We don't choose love, it chooses us... even if it's bad. And it's sad. Yes, we should care for them, and really understand their situation.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

"Everything happens for a reason," but many things are often tests presented before us in order for us to learn a needed lesson. It is up to us to pass or fail. When we pass, we learn; and when we fail, we learn.

Thanks, idigwebsites, for your visit and insightful addition to this hub.


Pinkchic18 profile image

Pinkchic18 4 years ago from Minnesota

I hate hearing about married men/women dating other people and are cheating on their spouse. Come on, people.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Pinkchic18:

I agree you. I know people who have dated others' spouses, but, as soon as they married, they were very protective of their marriage and often distrustful of others getting too close. Some are willing to dish it out, but when the shoe is on the other foot, cheating is not acceptable. Ironically, the unfaithful ones do, indeed, expect their co-cheaters to be faithful.

Coincidently, I came across solicitors at the entrance of a Wal-mart store who asked for money to fund a program that helps young women in trouble. The women served had histories of drug abuse, abusive spouses, abandonment, and a few other dysfunctional situations. I thought about this hub and asked about women who were suffering from the damages of being in a long-term relationship as a mistress or girlfriend of a married man. Yes, a woman with this problem could be served if she had a real need. Of course, I gave a donation and picked up a pamphlet.

I was a victim of physical and mental spousal abuse, which included cheating. My ex-husband cheated with many women, but after our divorce, he abandoned the mistress he had, went away and married a Christian woman whose father, a minister, married them. Their invitations went out before our divorce was final. A relative of his showed me the invitation. I had access to the bride's parent’s address and phone number. My first thought was to get revenge. I planned to call her father, the minister, and ask him why were he and his wife planning a wedding for my husband to marry his daughter. I am so happy that I was in the final stages of healing and did not do anything to stop their plans. If it had happened a few months earlier, I would have stopped the divorce that I filed and gone to the bride's church and made an announcement before the congregation. That would have been a horrible thing to do. I was so hurt the few months that followed our separation. So, I can say that I am happy that I did not embarrass the bride's family, or even the groom. A year later, I married again and the only children I have were born to us. So, my family is whole, and all is well!

I am happy that I forgave, let go, exhaled, and was given a second chance at a better life. Forgiveness, love, and peace of mind are a happy trio.

Thanks for your visit and contribution to this hub!


mary615 profile image

mary615 4 years ago from Florida

What a wonderful Hub. I have had friends who have cheated and wanted me to lie for them. I absolutely would have nothing to do with that. I lost a lot of respect for that person once I found out she was cheating. I believe it you are married, you are married for better or worse!

Great Hub, I voted it UP, etc. and will share.


Mazzy Bolero profile image

Mazzy Bolero 4 years ago from the U.K.

A very interesting hub, Levertis Steele. I used to know a young woman who always chose married men. She seemed to need to compete with the wife. She herself was the product of a relationship her mother had with a married man. Her father would visit her, but his other family came first. I guess that set her up for a lifetime of trying to win a man from another woman.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Mary 615:

I agree that people should be married for better or worse, too, but in some cases, one must get out of a marriage to save a life and avoid a prison sentence. Too many have landed in a morgue. We can control our behaviors, but not always others. I believe in turning cheeks, but we have only two.

Thanks for visiting and sharing your thoughts!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Mazzy Bolero:

It is so sad that the mistakes of the parents were impressed upon the daughter.

Thanks for contributing to this hub!


Miss Mimi profile image

Miss Mimi 4 years ago from On the road again

I have a friend who has been a mistress, and has also been the cheater, and none of those relationships ended well for her. Now my best friend is falling for a colleague who is engaged. He keeps telling her he is unhappy and won't go through with the marriage all the while moving forward with his wedding plans. Both of these women have been hurt. Society tends to blame the other woman and demonise them. I really appreciate this article talking about the low self-esteem and pain so many of these women go through. Voted up and interesting.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Linda:

I fear that your best friend is headed down a dead end with this engaged guy if she does not open her eyes. His fiancé is likely getting a cheater because his new life with her involves planning a wedding and cheating in the process. Both ladies would fare well to do an about face and march quickly.


dreamboy 4 years ago

knock it if you will but a mistress will make you feel like the day is brighter nights are mysterious. it may not last but trust me she will be all there is to know in life..u will enter another time zone that. time will actually slow down..and you can marinate in it as one..the seasons will be fresh and new...it may not last.but it will get your mind off the WITCH!!!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Dreamboy,

You are funny, but let's get real. A smart woman would pay attention to the repetition of your words: "It may not last." This statement tells me that you are wise, but weak.

This hub was written in support of the many mistresses who have been left "out in the cold" and those potential ones who are thinking about taking the dive. It was intended to be a source of help for women and men.

You are relating how a mistress makes a man feel. We know that sex is wonderful, and stealing makes it appear to be blissful+! That is how evil works. If much wrongdoing was not pleasurable, we all would have fewer problems in life. If you could clearly see your daughter making that miserable mistake with a married man, would you say, "Enjoy my daughter, man! I am enjoying my mistress." If you are a good father, I doubt that you would encourage the guy to use your child.

The stats speak for themselves. Cheating does not work. It hurts. We're talking about kids in pain, too! Getting back at "the witch" because you are angry could welcome a package of herpes or AIDS. "What's good in the mouth may be bitter in the stomach." Work out the problems with the "witch" or get a divorce. That may be a safer thing to do considering the increasing number of spousal crimes. Be careful, and watch your back. :D

Thanks for your honest comment and visitation to my hub!


Joe Teamo 3 years ago

Herbert J had a long-term (6years) extramarital affair with a black woman who 26 years younger than he.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Since the introduction of sexual "miracles," (i.e., Viagra and Extenz), older men have been racking up on younger women, and the women seem to be more than accommodative. Cheating is no respector of races. It likes all who are willing. "Had" in your statement is in the past tense, so, I hope that Herbert and the ex-mistress have done the right thing. Most of such relationships end in the past tense, which seems to be a step back in the right direction.

Thanks, Joe, for your visit and contribution to this hub.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

When I was about 8-years old, I saw my father riding in his car with a young woman not much older than 19. They looked like Siamese twins, so I knew that he was cheating. I loved my mom who loved him dearly, but she was too dependent to leave him because they had 7 young children. Because four of my siblings were younger than school age, it would not have helped for her to work outside of the home. Mom, a devoted wife, never left Dad. He loved her, too, but he was weak in the area of faithfulness. I often cried at night because I heard Mom cry when Dad was gone too long. My siblings and I loved Dad dearly, but his cheating caused us so much pain. We had to endure great fear when they argued and even fought. I thought that they would kill each other, but the disputes always ended in making up. For us children, the agony continued until Dad died in a car accident while traveling to work.

After many years, I still miss Dad, I forgive him, but I still remember the pain of his infidelity. For years I fantasized about him being a faithful husband and all of us being that happy family. That was my pacification. We children never told Mom or Dad how much their arguments and fights frightened us, how much we cried silently, or how worried we were that they would split. Children should not have to suffer like that, and it is shameful that many cheating parents do not know how much grief they cause their children.

I had a friend who attacked another girl at school because the other's mother cheated with my friend’s father. Parents often do not know about such incidents involving their children. Another girl fought with a boy on our bus about their co-cheating parents. The boy called the girl's mom a whore. The next day the girl brought a gun on the bus and pistol-whipped the boy. She said that she was so angry that she would have shot him if he had tried to defend himself. That was long ago, but it could have ended up a school shooting involving more than one child. On noisy, crowded buses driven by a teenager, it was easy to miss seeing an argument, and most students do not snitch for fear of bullying.

The stories I have related actually happened, and parents may not always become aware of them if they are not reported to them or other authorities.


yup, both directions 3 years ago

yea, yea, plenty of men are percieved as bastards and women as brats, doesn't change the basics of human nature. In the younger years before maturity and wisdom start to come up we all have agendas to some extent. Plenty of men and women promise or say things to each other with no real substance in order to get some boom boom for our organs. They do it differently but really there isnt one group better or more grown up than the other in those times, some exceptions of course but not many. At some point we just need to get over it and accept the differences, there are plenty. Get past the metrosexual bs and open the eyes.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

yup, both directions,

You wrote, "They do it differently but really there isn't one group better or more grown up than the other in those times, some exceptions of course but not many."

This is truth.

I wrote this at the end of my introductory paragraph: "Whatever is the other woman’s motive, she, too, is a cheater. Aside from cheating the man's wife, she cheats herself badly"

Men and women are equally guilty of cheating when they make the choice. For every heterosexual cheater, regardless of the sex, the opposite sex is involved.

Thank you for visiting and leaving your points.


Franko 3 years ago

there are just too many low life loser women to begin with, that just can't commit themselves to just only one man. they like to date as many men as possible, especially going after the married men today. this is the reason why that we have so many cheating women now, than we ever had before. the average single straight woman today has at least seven different boyfriends, that is one for each day of the week. there are many of us serious straight good men out there having a very hard time meeting a good woman, that is if they still exist. and now with so many women these days that are into other women, it will certainly be a challenge for us.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Franko,

It is good to get a word from a man who speaks your language! Yes, there are many good women and men out there, but finding them is another story. It is true that women appear to be growing weaker, but we must admit that men have been forever excused by society who made the mistake of passing on the saying, "Men will be men," meaning they will creep. Women have gotten fed up with it, so, they seem to be saying, "If we can't beat them, we will join them." If the naked truth is told, both men and women have been creeping since "dawns were young." To add more truth, cheating women have traditionally been cleverer than men and have almost always gotten away with it. Men traditionally do the same things the same way, so, they get caught more. Women are more apt to hire a spy to catch their men with their hands in the cookie jar. When a married couple, for example, have young children, the husband thinks that the wife is too busy to cheat. Little do most men know, it is the married woman who gets away with more cheating. What is hard about getting the plumber to come to fix the pipes, the mower to do the lawn, or any fix-it man to do any job around the house? The only time he has to explain is when the husband comes home early, but he passes if he is in uniform with tools in hand.

I am led to believe that more men creep than women, but women are getting bolder with this dangerous game that leads to no good end. I recently discovered that a familiar lady learned that her husband gave her AIDS. That is a bitter pill to swallow.

Thanks for your comment and the reassurance that good men are out there.


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 3 years ago from Minnesota

Such an incredibly informative hub on cheating spouses. I have known girl friend's that have been with a married man and it's affected the friendship. If she doesn't have the integrity to see the sacredness of marriage, I have no time for that. I also have trust issues with people that cheat. If you cheat, what are you doing behind my back as a friend. I also see another scenario with woman that go for married men: many of them do not want a true commitment, perhaps because of something in their past that makes it hard for them to trust. Being with a married man, in their mind, may be safer than being with a single man. Great hub!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Yes, Minnetonka Twin, it is a good idea to move away from cheaters. Many have regretted not making the move. We all have heard of best friends alienating spouses.

Some women want married men because they like the sick feeling of having power over a man and his family. She shares his wife's bedroom rights and his children's time. She causes the wife unhappiness because he is away from home too much. She causes the husband to miss the son's baseball game and the daughter's first recital. The other woman devastates the whole family, and the cheating husband gives her permission to do it. When she calls the wife and hangs up, the husband denies any connection and lets this woman abuse his family. How can a spouse allow this to happen to his family when he is the one who is supposed to protect it?

After watching Investigation Discovery and seeing tragedies of cheating, I fear for women who think that being with a married man is safe.

Thanks for visiting my hub and leaving your insightful thoughts.


FemaleDefendingMistress 3 years ago

I am aparently a mistress at the present. When I meet the man I am in love with, he told m he was seprated and getting divorce. I asked him if he felt there was a chance of working things out with his separated wife. He assures me it is over and they hd talked it over between them. Being reassured I allowed the man into my life, but I was still in the back of my mind wondering if he will have second thoughts. We talked on the phone, meet, and chatted online on a regular bases. We meet at his place of business where he worked when we first meet. My heart started having feelings fo him. I fell in love and he told me he loved me first before I confessed. Then, he tells me he wants me to be his wife someday. This went on for 6 months. Then, I started looking on FB and found that he is still with his wife. Confronted him and he said, he wanted t tell me and I tried to break it off. Guess what! He has my heart now. I am told now that they don't sleep togeher but i know they do. It hurts me but he set a date we would be together and talks of our marriage still. I am in torture now and torn. I want to leave but I can't. My heart wont let me. I came into the position of mistress base on lies. Now I read these posts and wonder how I can be really loved by him. I love him and I now have to hurt deeply because I didn't know. I have read bout men not leaving ther wives, how I am 2nd, missed holidays, not being part of his family, and the lies. I juut wish I would have known he was married then I wouldn't of been a mistress. I even feel sorry for his wife because she prbably loves him too. She had him first and I have got to find the courage to let him go. He won't suffer. It will be just me.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

FemaleDefendingMistress,

There is a saying that I often hear from many single women: "He is not 'going there' until he puts a ring on this finger!" The mistake they are making is not saying, "He is not 'going there' until he marries me!" It is so easy for a man with no good intentions to put a ring on an unsuspecting woman's finger until he has used her up and is ready for his next victim. That is happening to many women. Engaged today and broken up tomorrow!

Your story is a very common one. Some men lead the mistress or girlfriend on until she reasons that she is taking a ride down a dead end. There are two main types of mistresses: ones who were tricked like yourself and ones who went into the relationship knowing the man's situation without caring about anyone except themselves. If this man did not tell you about his relationship with his wife, what else would he do? Is he trustworthy? He made a choice between you and his wife. He chose to remain with her. Do you believe that he ever considered leaving his wife? Would he lie to you?

A good rule to observe is to never begin a relationship with a married man no matter how awful he says it is. He is still married and unavailable. Respect the sanctity of marriage even if he doesn’t. If his divorce is final tomorrow, he is still married today. A divorced man does not mean innocent man. The second woman could be getting ready to inherit the first wife’s problems. Beware!

So many women are in your situation. The decision is yours to make. Are you good enough to have better, or is this the best that you can do? You deserve the best. We women can choose to remain in a compromising situation, but we cannot choose consequences. When they come, good or bad or worse or worst, we must face them head on. I cannot tell you which steps to take because that is not my lot, but I strongly suggest that you love yourself enough to "DO THE RIGHT THING." —Spike Lee

There are good, available men out there, but sometimes we women allow Mr. Wrong to block our view, and the good man's, and eventually blind us.

Thanks, FemaleDefendingMistress, for dropping by and leaving your story. I truly, truly wish you well.


Author Cheryl profile image

Author Cheryl 3 years ago

Women who date married men have no character of themselves that is why they do it. They are lacking something in their own life but fail to realize that married men will 98 percent of the time not leave their wives. I don't know why any woman would want to be second best, have to sneak around and be hidden and not be part of an open life. It's sad when women have to steal anothers husband to have some kind of self worth.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Author Cheryl,

I do not understand why a woman or man would want to date someone else's spouse or vice versa. Such an arrangement is simply not good enough. It is a cheap waste of time. It is like a popsicle—tasty, but little or no food value. Now, there is often pleasure in this wrongdoing, but the consequences are costly. It is a smart man and woman who realize that they are setting themselves up for ugliness and choose to stop it. I so sympathize with women who realize late that they have made a huge mistake, especially the ones who get dumped because they are aging. They are usually not respected by other available men who know them and their background.

I value human life and well-being and also believe in second chances when possible. I think that I mentioned somewhere above that my best friend dated my ex-husband. I forgave her, but I do not feel comfortable with her or care to associate with her on a regular basis. I saw her a few years ago, and I am proud to say that I treated her with kindness, although I experienced a small tinge of pain as memory took me back to the past. I soon dumped it because I love peace of mind. We even exchanged phone numbers, but she never called me nor I her. Some things are best left in the past.

Once a co-worker confided in me that she allowed a married man to lead her on for years before she woke up. He never left his wife, and she realized that he never intended to marry her as he obviously lied about having no relationship with his wife. She later met a single man, married him, and they had several children together. Infidelity eventually broke up their marriage. The last time I saw her she was a single mom and said that her ex- lover was still with his wife. I am not piling the blame on this man alone. They both are to blame because they knew that they were treading on forbidden waters. I believe in a new start and truly hope that they have chosen better paths and are truly happy with their lives.

Thanks, Cheryl, for visiting and commenting!


chinared profile image

chinared 3 years ago from Asia, and all over

Great article. I had no idea this was a real problem. This makes women a product of what guys have made them into. Guys feel good when a women falls for them, it's a game. But in the end, it's the woman who gets hurt and develops lasting effects. Those kind of guys are self-centered jerks who don't deserve to get married. So much more I'd like to address, but that's the gist. Great article. Voted thumbs up, and interesting.


moonlake profile image

moonlake 3 years ago from America

Interesting hub. Married men always say the right thing to women I guess but women also have to take some of the blame. Voted up on your hub.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas

First of all, love is never stolen. It is always freely given or it isn't love. A lot of people mistake sex for love (mostly women). Unless it's rape, sex is not stolen either.

The thing that is stolen regarding a sexual affair is time. Time to be with the forbidden person. Time that is being stolen from the husband or wife to whom one has made promises and a commitment. Time that is stolen from one's children as well, if children exist.

Not all women want a committed relationship or a full time relationship. Married men are safe in the sense that they will not likely ever press for marriage and they will not likely be out and about where they will find a woman with someone other than themselves.

Married men are convenient in that somebody else has to feed them, launder their clothes, pick up after them, organize their schedules, and a myriad of other things wives do, but mistresses do not. Some women already have a marriage but their husbands neglect them. Some women neglect their husbands.

Men cheat for sex, women cheat for love. Men usually get what they want -- sex. Women almost never get what they want whether they marry or whether they cheat -- love. That is a major reason why women lose interest in sex in their marriage -- the foreplay ends, the romance ends, and so there's nothing in it (sex) for her.

Cheating on one's wife is not a gesture of love to her. Neither is it a sign of love to 'the other woman.' Love has no part in such a situation. But keep in mind that neither of the people involved in the illicit affair may be interested in love or marriage. They may simply enjoy the risk.

There are some women and some men who see it as a game and try to get anyone they can of the opposite sex to 'cheat' on their spouse. They see it as proof that they are themselves so desirable that no one can deny them. Each conquest is a trophy of sorts in their minds and nothing more. Sometimes it's something they hold over the heads of the spouses of the people they have cheated with.

Some men think so long as they don't share personal information about their wives/family and don't fall in love that they are not in fact cheating. Sort of like visiting a prostitute -- no feelings involved. Just sex. They are wrong, but that's their thinking.

Sometimes the other woman knows nothing about the man being married. He may live elsewhere so that she has no knowledge of his 'other life.' She knows only what he tells her.

Men may say they don't want to lose their family, but having an affair or even a one-night stand puts their marriage at risk, which they must surly know. That suggests to me that subconsciously, the illicit sex is more important to them than the risk of losing their marriage/family.

It's true that few men request a divorce from their wives. It is almost always the woman who wants the divorce as a result of discovering an infidelity.

First marriages have a 50% failure rate in the U.S. generally, and a somewhat higher divorce rate in the Bible belt. Second marriages have an even higher failure rate regardless of whether the partners are from previously 'cheating' relationships or not. Third marriages have an even worse failure rate, and each marriage thereafter has less and less chance of success.

The best way to find a husband who likes to fish is to frequent marinas. The best way to find a husband who likes to bowl is to hang out at the bowling alley. The best way to get an alcoholic husband is to find/meet him in a bar. The best way to find a man who will all but certainly cheat on you is to find him while he's married to someone else and wanting to cheat with you.

I disagree with 'waiting until marriage' regarding sex. That is a good way to end up with a spouse who hates sex in every form. That is a good way to discover your spouse just assumed you would agree to have an open marriage or belong to a swopper's club, or a BDSM club.

Those things which are important to the success of a marriage should be explored and discussed before marriage. Not just sex, but whether or not to have children and how many, how to discipline children, whose family to spend holidays with, and literally everything that affects the success of a marriage. Nothing should be left to chance or assumed. Assumptions are right about 10% of the time -- not good odds.

Keep in mind that all my statements are general and based on studies relating to the issues of marriage and sex. There are always exceptions and everyone knows an antidotal situation they can point to. I'm not claiming 100% of men and women think or behave as described, but never-the-less, most (not all) of the time my statements hold true.


Author Cheryl profile image

Author Cheryl 3 years ago

A prime example of why men should not cheat on their wives is a guy I work with decided to have a fling with a young girl at our job. After he broke it off with her she started stalking him, tried to run his wife off the road, constantly harasses him at work, stalk text him and the sad part is that it's his own fault and he deserves that treatment not his wife. He really deserves to rot in hell. The girl knew he was married and agreed that it would just be sex so now she will end up losing her job, might even go to jail behind a darn man. When women cheat with married men it is not only his fault but hers too if she knows he is married and willingly continues to have the affair. If she doesn't know then it's the mans fault totally. I myself do not understand why she doesn't move on. Married men 98 percent of the time do not leave their wives ever because they love their wives they just get caught up in the new piece of azz part. So sad women would have never used a penis the way that men do if it was given to us because we have feelings. Men only lust for the most part. What they call true love is mear sex. I am lucky to have a man that knows how to love because most don't.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Chinared,

You wrote, "I had no idea this was a real problem. This makes women a product of what guys have made them into. Guys feel good when a women falls for them, it's a game. But in the end, it's the woman who gets hurt and develops lasting effects."

This is a real problem with most women who follow dead-end dreams instead of reality. For some reason we put a lot of energy into fantasies. That's a sure way to get hurt. Yes, "this makes women a product of what guys have made them into," but all women are not dumb, so some allow themselves to fall into this situation. It works both ways. Women also pull married men into a relationship and hurt them badly. I have known men to suffer awfully as a result of a married woman deciding to abandon them and work on their marriage. Men are expected to be more responsible, but women are just as deceitful. Men hide their feelings more than women, but they hurt too. Women love to whine and share their feelings because society does not label them wimps. Men are not permitted to scream and lament. Guys have lasting effects of this pain to, which sometimes explain the actions of men who are overly protective, extremely jealous, mentally and physically abusive, or very distrustful.

Thanks for stopping to read and comment, Chinared!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Moonlake, your words are so true:

“Married men always say the right thing to women I guess but women also have to take some of the blame.”

Blame works both ways in these relationships. However, I do blame the more seasoned, married men and women who choose to date very young people. I have known of older married women and men who have had affairs with vulnerable youngsters, especially the ones entrusted in their care. So, cheating is certainly not just something that one gender does.

I appreciate your comment!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Au fait,

I wish to comment on a few of your points in your post:

"First of all, love is never stolen. It is always freely given or it isn't love. A lot of people mistake sex for love (mostly women). Unless it's rape, sex is not stolen either"

I used "stolen love" as a figure of speech to mean "secret affection" that takes place between cheaters. There are different definitions and qualities of love. "Love making," for example may not involve true love, but it is still labeled, understood, and used commonly. I truly want to believe that most people know the difference between love and sex. Unfortunately some do not as you wrote.

This could help many individuals who really want to work to solve this problem in their marriages:

"Men cheat for sex, women cheat for love. Men usually get what they want -- sex. Women almost never get what they want whether they marry or whether they cheat -- love. That is a major reason why women lose interest in sex in their marriage -- the foreplay ends, the romance ends, and so there's nothing in it (sex) for her."

This is not at all encouraging, but it happens:

"First marriages have a 50% failure rate in the U.S. generally, and a somewhat higher divorce rate in the Bible belt."

"I disagree with 'waiting until marriage' regarding sex. That is a good way to end up with a spouse who hates sex in every form. That is a good way to discover your spouse just assumed you would agree to have an open marriage or belong to a swopper's club, or a BDSM club."

Oh, but think of the problems that waiting until marriage would solve, one being the end of illegitimacy and sexually transmitted diseases among singles. Another would be a greater possibility of getting a sincere man. Men who just want sex would leave a woman who holds out. That's good! Still, other advantages would be fewer fatherless children, fewer abortions, and more time for youngsters to concentrate on important things like education, and the list goes on.

What great points you have made in your whole post, Au fait! I appreciate your contributions to this conversation.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Author Cheryl,

Your story of the man who cheated and found it bitter is all too familiar. That one is a classic case of "biting of more than you can chew."

I am familiar with a woman who discovered that her husband cheated on her when the other woman saw her out, hated her, and asked if she wanted to meet her husband's love child. She rubbed her protruding, ready-to -deliver abdomen, laughed, and walked away. That was not smart at all, and it was dangerous. Why does the other woman--not all--feel the need to hurt the innocent wife who often does not know about her and has never done her harm? I suppose it is the insecurity and knowing deep inside that this man favors his wife. That is a painful situation to be in, I suppose--painful for both women.

The man in this case did not leave his wife. He left his mistress and gave her very little support for the child. Because there were no ties, the child was an adult before she discovered that her step-father was not her biological father. After 20+ years someone else was hurt because of the cheaters' poor decision--the child, now grown.

Thanks, Author Cheryl, for adding to this conversation!


Nicole S profile image

Nicole S 3 years ago from Minnesota

I've never understood why this happens either. What I mostly don't understand is why men would stay married if they don't love and respect their partner anymore.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Nicole S, I appreciate your post. This is certainly something to wonder about.

Men, even some of the faithful ones, are often curious about other attractive women whether they make it obvious or not. They enjoy looking, even if they have to take a sneak peek. Looking is natural, I suppose, unless it turns into a mesmerized, glued stare. That is the beginning. Each man has to make a personal decision: (1) Look but don't go there, (2) Make a move, or (3) Wait for her eye signal and move in for the "kill." Either one of these can set an affair into motion. The more one wiggles in quicksand, the deeper one sinks. Maybe that is why some men strike and keep walking, or break it off after a few dates with an excuse of family responsibilities, as if they did not know that they had any. In another case the affair could last indefinitely, but most may not last longer than a few months to a year. Still, a few others may last for years.

Some cheaters feel that they are naturally entitled because of their claimed inability to remain monogamous. My question is, "Why go to the alter with a woman just to tell a lie and spoil her life, even involve children?" If a man cheats while dating, even after agreeing to be committed, he is not ready for marriage. Most cheaters do not think that their spouses should cheat. Is that selfish or not? :D


midget38 profile image

midget38 3 years ago from Singapore

From whichever point of view it is, infidelity certainly brings all parties unhappiness and should never be embraced. Thanks for sharing!!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Thanks, midget38, for your visit and contribution!


dwachira profile image

dwachira 3 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

Hi Levertis Steele,

You said it and the reasons are so right, i guess it is the society we live in now, people wanting whatever is already taken. That is waste of life, it is unacceptable and sinful even in the eyes of God. Glad that you did write this to bring some sanity to moral deteriorating society. Voted up, useful and shared.


cristina327 profile image

cristina327 3 years ago from Manila

Great hub filled with great wisdom. Thank you Levertis steele for bringing out this into the light here at Hubpages. I admire your courage for posting this hub. This hub will surely be a great help to many women aspiring to be a mistress. Remain blessed always. Best regards.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

dwachira,

"i guess it is the society we live in now, people wanting whatever is already taken."

I believe you are right. I have seen this reason many times in my reading. For some, I suppose there is a strange thrill in taking. Today someone in my area robbed a bank. The consequences of taking is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow.

Thanks for your visit and your thoughts!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

christina 327,

I also hope that this hub will help men and women to make wiser decisions and not allow the desires of the flesh to cloud their moral judgement.

Thanks for your sharp input and encouragement!


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas

I honestly think it boils down to low self-esteem. Some women don't think they can do any better and that they must settle. This is often true even when the men they're attracted to aren't married, but don't treat them very well and are sometimes downright abusive.

There are some women too, who like to collect trophies, and some aren't content to simply put a notch in their belts as men are usually satisfied to do.

Voted up, interesting, and will share.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Au fait, I do believe that you are right: "There are some women too, who like to collect trophies, and some aren't content to simply put a notch in their belts as men are usually satisfied to do."

Men are certainly not alone in collecting trophies.

Thanks for visiting and leaving your valued thoughts.


Vinaya Ghimire profile image

Vinaya Ghimire 3 years ago from Nepal

Interesting look on women behavior.

Thanks for commenting on my article.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

I appreciate your visit, Vinaya. Reading your article was my pleasure.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

This hub is not designed to downgrade or poke fun at adulterers but to create awareness that they are downgrading themselves and hurting innocent people like their spouses, children, concerned relatives of both parties and true friends. A main point is to help adulterers to realize that the act is immoral no matter how it makes them feel and that they are worth more than the picture that they present.


dosborne08 profile image

dosborne08 3 years ago from Pembroke Pines, FL

I agree. We all have our faults and weaknesses, and the simple act of pointing fingers or judging others does nothing good for this world. This Hub may enlighten someone that is looking for guidance. If it helps one person, then the world is a better place. Being an adulterer, is a choice and hopefully more and more better choices will be made in when it comes to being in a committed relationship.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

In the local news: a worried man was looking for his missing wife and decided to file a missing person report. When a woman or girl is missing too long, most of us fear the worse. Of course, the husband was the first suspect of possible foul play. After the story got so much attention, the wife sympathized with her worried family, called home and admitted that she had run off with her lover. Poor embarrassed husband. Yet, I am glad that the wife was decent enough to put her family's worries to rest. Well!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

dosborneo8,

Your points are well taken, and it is my desire that this hub will help someone to make good choices.

Thanks for stopping by and leaving your valuable thoughts!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Ok, "worst" :D


Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 3 years ago from London, UK

Thanks for a thought provoking and much needed Hub as many women are in this horrible, web of deceit. Some might like it now but when they are in their 40s, 50s they will realise how they have wasted their lives and bodies.

In Africa, such men do take on the other woman as a second or third wife. Some will get a house etc for her outside. Some will bring her home to live with the first wife. lol (true)..... and in some cases the first wife never finds out until the man's funeral when the child born outside wants to claim inheritance.

Very good of you to include advice on why ladies should not date married men.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Lady E,

You have shared new and interesting points here!

"In Africa, such men do take on the other woman as a second or third wife."

Yes, so true, and it is acceptable in other countries or cultures as well. Even here in the USA where polygamy is not legal, it is a minority presence. Because the USA is a melting pot of many cultures due to immigrations, we are seeing more of it. Men from other countries come here to set up and operate successful businesses to acquire wealth and send money back home to their families, and some speak of multiple wives. Cultural practices come along with people as they move to foreign places. We must draw a line between the differences between accepted practices in cultures and a man and his mistress cheating a single wife who does not accept added wives or concubines. This is not a part of normal American culture, although a minority have been guilty of bigamy and setting up house with other women.

"...and in some cases the first wife never finds out until the man's funeral when the child born outside wants to claim inheritance."

I have seen many cases of this when I worked at certain jobs that provided services to people. I have also seen a few cases in my family. It is a painful pill for a widow to swallow when she discovers at the funeral or at the reading of the will that her husband has children outside of the home. I knew of a widow with 7 children who learned of her husbands infidelities when she and his mistress were trying to apply for public assistance at the same place and time. I remember her words when she cried to me: “I just want to go to his grave and shoot him!” What a pitiful final impression! Shooting him dead or alive was not the solution, so, she suffered and eventually recovered.

Thanks, Lady E, for stopping by to leave such thought-provoking points!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

As another reminder to the men and ladies, I must repeat that this hub does not attempt to downgrade or point fingers at men or women. We all know that women seduce men as well. We also know that some women use their sex appeal, the affair itself, or a “love child” to indirectly cause a man to feel trapped in the relationship by threatening to tell all to the wife. How can he tell the traditional lie, “That is not my child!” or "I didn't touch that woman!" when a DNA or lie detector test would gladly prove otherwise? Women have also learned from Monica to save the dress! Technology is gaining fast

I want to address a tender point that I have been reluctant to touch. I am biting the bullet and hoping that I can show its relevance to this hub and, at the same time, not cause anyone to feel offended. Offending is certainly not my intention.

There is a thin line, and sometimes no line at all, between being a mistress who is aware that the man is married and being a “woman of the evening.” Kept mistresses expect money, a home, and gifts. Some men have reported becoming attached to ladies of the evening so much that they arrange for them to be their private possessions. That means that they must pay them enough money to keep them away from other men. This may satisfy some, but some women view this as an opportunity to have their cake and eat it, too. They will “earn” that $3, 000.00 a month from the man and make a few calls on the side. Their business is to make money! Do these married men really expect women who do not respect marriage to be faithful to their arrangements? The men are not faithful to their wives, so, why should the mistresses play faithful wives? They are NOT faithful wives? They are the co-cheaters, and cheaters cheat! I am not supporting such arrangements, but we must admit that such women are handling their professions quite well within the job description! Still, there is no right way to do the wrong thing.


Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 3 years ago from London, UK

Thanks. I read your response and recent post. Hopefully, it will make people think twice. Have a lovely weekend.

Elena


SpeakingTheTruth 3 years ago

this is the reason why women are nothing but trouble.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Speaking The Truth,

Your statement amuses me! I admit that many women are "nothing but trouble," but so are many men. Trouble is a people thing. The world also has many good men and good women, but the problem is landing one. Sometimes a more specific problem is the lack of a keen eye for good character traits that should be tested on proving grounds. This is TOO often overlooked when the woman is very beautiful.

I had a relative who married several times and ended each with a divorce because he could not "tame" the wives. The problem was his own making because he knew that they were loose women when he met them, but his eyes were on their beauty only. Putting a sheep mask over the face of a goat does not make it humble. The goat will still eat anything and handle problems by butting when it is angry.

Thanks for adding your comment!


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas

Some women sadly have no self confidence and feel like they have to accept the first offer they get.

But, then there are other women who don't want the responsibility of a full-time relationship and a married man is perfect for their needs. Somebody else feeds that man, runs his errands, picks up after him, does his laundry, has his babies, and is taken for granted by him, while the girlfriend or mistress has none of these responsibilities, all of her freedom, no commitment, and most if not all of the fun. She even gets nicer presents. If she doesn't, there's another bored married man standing in line behind this one who may be more generous.

It all depends on your perspective. ;) Shared.


yankeeintexas profile image

yankeeintexas 3 years ago from Lubbock, Texas

As a man I think I can say that ( to a male) it is a self-esteem issue! The ma thinks he is "king of the world" because he has more than one woman on a string. The sad truth is that any married man that has an affair is using all the women that is involved. My advice to any woman who is involved with a married man is to leave him because he does not love them, and will end up hurting them in the future!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Aut fait,

As I read your comment, I saw that the man had to "buy" his mistress or girlfriend with money and gifts. She is not free, and she does not want to do anything for him except what he paid for--fun. What love! Well, he could not possibly have true love for her either, although a small percentage of cheaters do fall in love and leave their wives.

What does a woman of the evening do that a mistress does not do? Interesting. Neither has to wash, iron, cook, "go on errands," or care for the cheating husband's children. They both get paid. If the wife stays at home, he has all of the expenses, and the family will likely require more of his money. Wife expenses, a mortgage, insurances, cars, educational expenses and children's other needs, medical bills, and upkeep of the home take a lot of money. Unless he is wealthy, the mistress gets much less.

When it is over, all will be vanity. When he dies, she will not likely get insurance payments from him. She will not be invited to the reading of the will. She will have to get a job to pay her expenses unless she latches onto another man who is willing to pay for her services, and that would depend largely on her age. More settled men are now ignoring women in their middle ages up and choosing younger women, even as young as the twenties. They have more confidence in their sexuality since enhancers like Viagra are available. So, life as a mistress is getting shorter. Ironically, she may have to consider the life of a "cougar," then, she will need two jobs. Disgusting, yes, but that is what the cheating husband does! He has to pay.

I appreciate your stopping by, commenting, and sharing, Au fait.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

yankeeintexas,

I believe you are right, but it has to be said that there are women who are just as crafty as men, some even more, when it comes to cheating.

I once had a friend who confided in me that she began to secretly date one of her married teachers when she was a teenager, about 15. She said she was expressing her love to him when he stated, "You love me now, but one day you will hate me." She was too young and "blind" to understand his meaning, but when she matured, she learned from rude experience. He said that he and his wife slept in separate beds, and when the time was right, he would leave her. That never happened. As realization and anger stepped into her mind, she finally left him in her early twenties. She saw the relationship for what it was all the time: statutory rape and a lie. This ended in shame, regret, loss of normal high school and college years, and much silent suffering. The cheater ruined a mother and father's child, walked free, and never looked back.

I must add that this cheater and child abuser had bought her many gifts and gave her much money, but not any of it could ease her heartache and suffering. Not any of it was worth what he had taken from her. Not any of the passionate moments and and long talks during times spent together survived as sweet memories in her treasure chest of love. It was all vanity.

Thanks, yankeeintexas, for your thoughtful contribution!


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas

A lot of men must 'buy' their wives too if they want to keep them. Many women marry for money as I'm sure you well know. Mistresses leave out the marriage part -- and the divorce part. Both are very expensive.

Who said anything about love? Not everyone is looking for or wanting love. You must try to see that not everyone is the same. Even if most women want the things that you want or that women are programmed from birth to want, still there are both men and women who do not want those things.

One difference between street walkers/hookers and mistresses is that mistresses engage fewer men, take fewer chances of being physically abused or becoming diseased, and get paid a lot better, if you want to look at it as being paid.

Very wealthy men often do not share their financial details with their wives. Their wives receive an allowance. Some of these men think nothing of paying a woman 10,000 for a few hours of her time. They can leave as much money to anyone as they wish and their wives do not even know what is in their will or how they spend their time or their money. Wives who like to keep the peace and the paycheck coming in do not argue or ask nosy questions.

A mistake many people make is believing that the wealthy have the same lifestyles as ordinary people along with the same values and ways of thinking. Some do, but most do not. Most men of average/ordinary means can't afford a mistress. A girlfriend maybe, such as what you seem to be talking about here, who hopes he will one day be hers, but not a mistress. A mistress makes a living being a mistress.

Anyway, I am thinking more of women who don't want to be tied down with a commitment. Not even mistresses, but women who like spontaneity. They may go out with a man on the spur of the moment and not see him again for days or weeks. They may see the same man with some regularity or several different men with regularity and all, some, or none of the relationships may include sex.

No strings is what it's about. Not everyone, men or women, always want commitment or strings. There is a fondness presumably, but neither feels they can't live without the other, nor do they want that sort of relationship. A more relaxed less formal relationship can get rid of the jealousy, the possessiveness, and all the things that tend to destroy traditional marriages and relationships. People spend time together because they want to, not because the law decrees it and the neighbors and relatives expect it.

There are all kinds of relationships and they're coming out into the open nowadays. Some women sadly are chasing after married men in hopes of catching one. What makes her think he won't leave her if he leaves his present wife for her? It surprises me that in some places on certain levels some girls still get pregnant thinking it will secure their marriage to their boyfriend. I thought that way of doing things was long over, but unfortunately it isn't.

The U.S. Census, which I referenced in my hub on traditional and other types of marriage, makes clear that traditional marriage is waining. There will continue to be some traditional marriages no doubt, but other types of relationships and marriages are becoming more commonplace. I'm not saying I agree with them, but like them or not, they're here, increasing in numbers, and likely to stay at least for a while.

Voted up and shared.


JayeWisdom profile image

JayeWisdom 3 years ago from Deep South, USA

I'm going to throw another concept into the pot that's stirring here! That's the wealthy older man who reaches the pinnacle of success and dumps his wife for a young (often, very young) and beautiful trophy wife. The first wife usually gains financially and, if he's cheated for years, may feel she's better out of the relationship. Not always, of course. There are some wives who close their eyes to infidelity for years and, when they are unceremoniously dumped in middle age or later, are devastated and never recover.

I lived in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area for eight years, during which time my career required me to attend numerous glittery charity functions. I've always been a people watcher and just looking at the outfits and jewelry on display (not to mention the decolletage and big hair--this was the late '80s and first half of the '90s) was great fun, but these events were remarkable for the large number of gray (or white) haired men with very young women who looked like models on their arms.

I couldn't help but wonder if these young women groomed themselves to "catch" a rich older man as a "starter husband" and reap the benefits either through divorce or (with a strong pre-nup) death, or if they were just enjoying the rush of temporarily being with a wealthy man who could shower them with expensive gifts.

Dallas and Ft. Worth, of course, are not the only cities where you see this rich-older-man-with-beautiful-young-woman phenomenon. It's common, more common I'd imagine (though I haven't actually researched it like Au fait--which means I need to read your hub, Au fait) than the man who marries his long-time mistress.

Perhaps, by the stage in which the mistress also finds herself dumped in favor of a fresh, nubile replacement, she's invested wisely from the fruits of her liaison or else her lover gives her a generous parting gift. This, of course, doesn't make up to the aging mistress the lack of attention from a successful man (for who else can afford a long-term mistress?) and whose charms are probably fading, making it difficult for her to find another "golden gander." After all, every man her age and older is looking for younger, more beautiful women--either considering it their due or trying to recapture their own youth. And "Cougarville" probably doesn't match the TV shows and movies.

Am I cynical? You bet!

Voted Up and Interesting

Jaye


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Au fait, please allow me to comment on a few of your points.

Numbers 1 and 2 are so true:

1. "A lot of men must 'buy' their wives too if they want to keep them. Many women marry for money as I'm sure you well know. Mistresses leave out the marriage part -- and the divorce part. Both are very expensive."

I agree with this point also:

2. "Even if most women want the things that you want or that women are programmed from birth to want, still there are both men and women who do not want those things."

Ladies and men of the night are fine examples of people who often do not want love from their contacts. They are on the job for money. Other women and men also date married people for conveniences. Some report that older married men give nicer gifts and more money. Maybe that is one reason they are targeted.

3. "Wives who like to keep the peace and the paycheck coming in do not argue or ask nosy questions."

A husband is a partner, and his money matters are her business, too. She has a right to know and is not nosy. A smart wife would not be so simple. Wives who think as you describe here do not have a problem with mistresses or girlfriends as long as they are getting enough of the pie. This is a woman who is in for the money like the mistress. This hub focuses on women who want their husbands and marriages for love, not gain, and do not want them defiled. Most married women simply do not want to share their husbands. Some mistresses want him for gain as you have said. A good wife wants a functional family without the risk of another woman interfering with the wholeness of her family. She has her children’s happiness to think about if no one else does. Marriage is designed to exclude other intimates.

One man explained that he can ramshackle his "woman," but he did not want to "give my wife a hysterectomy." He also added that his mistress performed acts that he would not want his wife to do. I was afraid to ask for an interpretation, but I have an imagination. All men do not think alike, of course. There is no decency in adultery no matter how much money or rich living is involved. Such vanity is a false sense of the good life. I have listened to many sad stories of ex-mistresses and girlfriends who were remorseful after they were abandoned for younger and more beautiful women. One I will never forget was growing old, unattractive and had no means of support to continue her “good life.” Although her keeper paid her bills and gave her money, she did not set aside money for her golden years. She ended up in a mental institution and remained depressed until her demise. My heart was heavy for her. Some mistresses may get enough money for retirement, but most do not, nor are most included in a will.

I have known mistresses and girlfriends to later become wives. These experienced women often fight like cats to keep other women away from their husbands because they know the mindset of a woman who desires a married man. They know the game! So, they finally decide that it is wrong to covet another’s husband. How ironic!

4. "Most men of average/ordinary means can't afford a mistress. A girlfriend maybe, such as what you seem to be talking about here, who hopes he will one day be hers, but not a mistress. A mistress makes a living being a mistress."

All mistresses do not want to remain in the initial arrangement of no strings attached. Some fall in love and want marriage. A mistress is “a woman who has a continuing extramarital sexual relationship with a man,” regardless of the amount of money she is getting. Your definition is correct, too, but it is the “kept” mistress that you are describing. My definition is general, and yours is specific. Men do not have to be rich to have a mistress, and mistresses do not have to be paid to be called a mistress. A man who earns $60,000.00 a year can afford to pay a woman's one-bedroom $450.00 a month apartment rent and give her an allowance on the side. (Keep in mind that a $400.00 apartment may be $1,000.00 or more in some locations.) Likewise, there are big-money prostitutes and $50.00 prostitutes like the hired secret service women in Guatemala! No offense is intended here toward those men. I am just using a real event to draw an analogy.

Consider a man who permits his mistresses to live in one of his rent houses with an allowance to help her with other needs. Maybe she works. Therefore, she has more of her personal money to use as she wishes. This arrangement satisfies many women.

5. “A mistake many people make is believing that the wealthy have the same lifestyles as ordinary people along with the same values and ways of thinking. Some do, but most do not. Most men of average/ordinary means can't afford a mistress. A girlfriend maybe, such as what you seem to be talking about here, who hopes he will one day be hers, but not a mistress. A mistress makes a living being a mistress.”

If one wants to know about the lifestyles of the rich, the best vantage point is the position of the ones in servile positions. Ask cab drivers, private chauffeurs, butlers, hotel maids, housekeepers, bellhops, waitresses, private cooks, sitters, etc. Who observes them more than these people? They are least likely to lie. Of course, they are not likely to give names since they are paid and expected to be loyal. Information is good enough. Many rich people play one lifestyle in the public's eye but are totally different behind closed doors. We hear all about it when the "grits hit the fan." Some women that rich cheaters choose are mind-blowing news to people who believe that rich people live on a different planet. A rich cheater has more money to do more things and create more faces, but that mind works like that of any man or woman. Yes, rich people often do a lot of cakewalking, trophy casing, and pedestal standing, but they are still men and women who need a shower and the use of a toilet. Rich mistresses, or poor, they both rock in the same boat of adultery and share the same false sense of glamour. They also deserve a better life. Money should not mean success or "the big life" when a woman is on the path of destroying her life for selfish gain.

I fail to see the difference between a mistress and a lady of the evening hired to serve one man for an indefinite period of time. We can decorate her position, but underneath that mask is a woman doing sexual favors for money just like the woman moving from man to man. The big money and expensive gifts give a false sense of the glamorous, superior, well-kept lady of status.

I realize that different people do different things, but I could not cover them all in one hub; however, many are unfolding in our conversations. My hub is in support of the mistress, the cheating husband, the wife, and other hurt loved ones of either of these individuals, especially the children. Each life involved directly or victimized is valuable and someone loves them all.

This is not so much about justifying the life of cheating girlfriends or mistresses but respecting marriage, the well being of innocent people, especially children, and bringing awareness of self-damage to persons who choose to indulge in cheating affairs. All involved are worth more than they are getting. This is not a contest of wives vs. mistresses, but an alarm of awareness and self-examination.

Some mistresses begin with “no strings attached,” but the relationship does not always remain so. Either or both could fall in love and want more. I have known of mistresses to kill their keepers for pulling out when they (mistresses) became obsessive. Mistresses have informed wives of the arrangement in an effort to break up the marriage that the husband was trying late to save. Some have even killed wives to move them out of the picture. The mistress is not always cool and calm. She is a person capable of changing her mind about initial intentions and growing out of control. The woman you described is a kind of mistress. The position is more of an occupation for her.

Your last two paragraphs are heavy, indeed! Wow! Did you research this response? You definitely have a lot of insight. Although I do not see eye-to-eye on all of


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

JayeWisdom,

How amusing!

I see a growing number of older men stepping out with much younger women. I suspect that "the man pills," mid-life crisis, and the high cost of living are mostly responsible for it. It seems that an older man with money has a better chance of landing a young woman than a young man with average means. The media does much to promote the idea, too. Look at Hugh! Look at the elderly famous stars. Their leading ladies are often much younger and do not mind the wrinkles and white heads. These men are recognized as sex symbols, and they walk with confidence and superiority. Seventy-plus year old men do love scenes quite often. That is very rare for old women.

Older women have "killed" themselves with wigs, dyes, bleach, and fake everything, including body alterations. The message women give is "Aging women are ugly." So, they are viewed by society as washed up when the signs of aging appears. When older women settle for younger men, they are laughed at and labeled "cougars," "desperate," "cradle robbers," "caretakers," etc.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

JayeWisdom,

All is vanity. Youth and aging come to all who live. The young, beautiful woman will one day wither like a flower. All, including men, grow old or die young. Either way, the withering will come. Leah is hated today, and Rachel will be hated tomorrow.

All men are not in love. If a man marries a woman for her beauty only, unless he falls in love with her, he may hate her when she ages. A man who truly loves and respects his aging wife would not leave her.

You said, “Perhaps, by the stage in which the mistress also finds herself dumped in favor of a fresh, nubile replacement, she's invested wisely from the fruits of her liaison or else her lover gives her a generous parting gift. This, of course, doesn't make up to the aging mistress the lack of attention from a successful man (for who else can afford a long-term mistress?) and whose charms are probably fading, making it difficult for her to find another "golden gander." After all, every man her age and older is looking for younger, more beautiful women--either considering it their due or trying to recapture their own youth. And "Cougarville" probably doesn't match the TV shows and movies.”

Yes, the aging mistress may one day have her “day in court,” too. Men who pick up women and drop them like this have problems that women refuse to see. These men seem to lack security and self-esteem. Many women have not yet learned that money does not make a man. It does give conveniences, of course, but it does not buy good character.

Thanks, Wisdom, for visiting, leaving your thoughtful points and the vote up.


DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Dating someone married is a disruption to other innocent families and so not the option but those who do must have some enjoyment from relationship. Great idea for a hub and well approached.


TheKnownTruth 3 years ago

well since we have so many very pathetic women out there nowadays, that doesn't surprise me one bit.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Yes, DDE, dating a married person is a disruption to families, and surely the doers are having a measure of fun doing it, although the quality is weak. Many a person is willing to pay BIG for the pleasure. I suppose it is their version of a crack pipe or meth. Maybe?

Thanks for taking time to read and leaving your contribution!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

TheKnownTruth,

You are right, but I am afraid that "pathetic" covers women AND men. Every time a straight woman cheats, a man is involved. So, I agree with the many recent studies that the percentages are close to the same for male and female cheaters. Google " Who cheats more, men or women?" I would say that women are trying to catch up with men, but others may say that women have always been there. Debatable? Maybe they were a little craftier at keeping secrets.(?)

I appreciate your visit and comment, TheKnownTruth.


TheKnownTruth 3 years ago

well i was married at one time myself before she cheated on me, and i was a very caring and loving husband that was very much committed to her too. i am hoping to meet a good woman for me this time around, but with so many women playing very hard to get these days along with the very bad attitude problem that many of them have certainly makes it much more difficult now. what is very sad is, the ones with their high paying job do think they are all that too. I know other men like me that have the same problem, so i am not alone. women have certainly changed over the years, and with much more women that are Gay that adds to the problem. very obvious why many of us Straight Guys can't meet a decent woman anymore, and i really don't want to sound rude with my comment which i am certainly telling it like it is since Unfortunately this is the real world today. i wish that i had been born many years sooner since i would had met the right woman for me and have a family just like my aunt and uncle that just celebrated their 65th year together. just look at our parents and grandparents that were very Fortunate to have met one another and have us, and the times back then were certainly very different than now since both of them were Very Committed to one another too which many marriages did last very long. we should all take lessons from the longest living married couple that are still together today that just celebrated their 86th year together.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

TheKnownTruth,

I am sorry that you had to endure the pain caused by a cheating wife.

There were not many divorces during my parents' and grandparents' times. When I was a young adult, it seemed that nearly everyone that I knew in my age group—siblings, cousins, friends, etc.—got married. All of my aunts and uncles married, also. More divorces occurred among those of my generation, though. Now, most of the familiar youngsters of my children's generation are not married. The average age among them is 32. What is happening? They do not seem interested. When I question them, they say something like, "When my money is right . . ." or “We’re engaged, but we won’t get married until July 2015.”

When my husband and I married, we did not worry about what we could not afford. We loved each other and just wanted to be together. We had big dreams, we were conditioned to work hard, and we believed that we would soar. That was enough for us, but not the present generation does not find that attractive.

You said, "...and with much more women that are Gay that adds to the problem.

This is true, but there certainly are many, many men who are gay and still coming out as evidenced all over the news lately and fighting for gay rights, including marriage. So, both men and women are busy with the gay life.

Your aunt and uncle and my folk who never divorced are certainly admirable. Never, never think that they did not have their “downs” as well as”ups.” They had good times and bad times, but they chose to endure and stand by each other. I have never heard a perfect story yet. My good friend once said, " No other woman will ever have the satisfaction of splitting my husband and me. It won't happen, and I will never leave him." Some people just forgive and keep on racking up those years.

I wish you well, TheKnownTruth, and thanks for dropping by again!


TheKnownTruth 3 years ago

To Levertis Steele, you should google the longest living married couple if you have the time and you will see what i mean. today the man is 104yrs old and she is 101yrs old. that was very amazing for them to be married that long and still be together now, and i figured it out that they got married in 1927. i guess you can say that God really loved them, and still does. now you know why that i said i wish i was born much sooner which would had made all the difference in the world for many of us. i just hate going out all the time and just hope that i could be at the right place at the right time to find a good woman for me this time around. well thank you very much for your support. Peace.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

TheKnownTruth,

Ok. I do get your point, and it makes much sense. Old school relationships occurred during times of simplicity when there were not so many distractions as we have in present-day society. So, those marriages survived the years. Even though you are in a different time, do not think that there is no one for you. Life goes on. Expect the best, and be the best in return. There are many good men and women looking for good partners. The problem seems to be finding each other. I hope you find the right lady and she finds the the right man.

Thanks for your added contribution!


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas

With women having more choices, some are choosing not to make a commitment and to have their children without marriage. With the awful divorce rate and the inability for some people to be faithful, some women are only looking for short-term companionship -- and sometimes only sex -- just like men have done for centuries. If a person wants to avoid entanglements, married men are perfect because they aren't available for marriage and have no right to interfere with a woman's life.

Personally, I have no use for the married or the single men. Been married enough times that I've had enough of that.

What of the responsibility of the men in these liaisons? Why are you blaming the women? Are they forcing these men to be unfaithful to their wives and to show up for dates with them instead?

It seems that women just love to beat up on other women (and on themselves) and men are never held responsible for their part in any of these situations. So long as men are not accountable infidelity will continue. The boys will be boys attitude will persist.

Voted up and shared.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Au fait,

You wrote, "Personally, I have no use for the married or the single men. Been married enough times that I've had enough of that."

I thought that this was funny, but I do understand. Twice I tried to find that "happy ever after" relationship and was met with a dose of reality. Prince Charming is a fairy tale. Casanova is reality, and he loves the ladies (plural!).

Au fait, I do not solely blame the ladies. In a consensual relationship, both the men and the women are to blame when they know that one or both have spouses. However, my topic is focused on why some women date married men most of their lives. It was not my plan to blame the women only. Practically every point I made was based on research that produced many reliable sources. I did not list them all because I did not want to give research thieves an easy ride.

Look back at my "16 Reasons a Woman Should Not Date a Married Man." #1 reads, "He does not respect marriage." The cheating men are not painted in a clear light. They, too, are guilty because they made a vow to their wives and owe their children a happy, secure home. Yet, that does not excuse the woman who is a co-cheater helping to pile pain and suffering on the innocent. She did not make a vow to the man’s wife, but she knows the meanings of “right,” “wrong,” and “morals.”

Thanks much, Au fait, for coming by again and leaving your response! I do appreciate the way you present your points.


Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley 3 years ago from The Beautiful South

I do feel sorry for the women who go after married men. There must be a psychological reason I think. I mean especially if a woman does it more than once.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

I do believe that you are right, Jackie. Some women do target married men. I also believe that many married men go after other women. A lack of morals, long-term loneliness that leads to accepting anyone, even the unavailable, or other weaknesses that cause a person to do the unthinkable often contributes to adultery. When a person earns the reputation of going after others’ spouses, they limit their options. They become turn-offs to those who want virtuous, marriageable partners. Some cheaters suffer a guilty conscience even though they find it difficult to do the moral thing. Married cheaters often use money to lure those who want it. A lonely woman who needs extra money to pay her bills may find comfort in the arms of a very generous married man. Many men know that women with children often can use monetary gifts. Most women who date married men expect money and know that the man feels obligated to give it since he has a wife and cannot expect the mistress to remain on hold while he plays the part of the good and faithful husband. He knows that she does not have to put up with his married life, so, he pays her for her services.


Miki 3 years ago

There are so many women who go after the married man...many of them will ultimately end up alone


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Miki, you are so right. This happens when women indulge in illicit affairs most of their lives, and their beauty begins to fade. A man who truly loves a woman would love her when the wrinkles come, not dump her for youth, which usually happens. True love does not disappear with aging, and it is not built upon wrongdoing. True love does not die because it is not flesh and blood. It is immortal. These women cheat themselves of genuine love and accept an imitation posing as the real thing.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

It is quite possible for these women to turn their lives around and make better choices for themselves. Trying to justify the invasion of someone else's spouse and marriage is a form of denial.


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 3 years ago

Levertis, there are so many sayings that cover this situation.

* If you can't be true to one, you can't be true to two.

* If you sleep with one man you are sleeping with everyone he has ever slept with.

I too have been in your shoes, when people found out that a divorce was pending, said: Do you want your kids to be from a broken home.

My reply was: It is better to be from a broken home than in one.

I have been married to my current husband for 31 years.

But, I am no answering you question, but I can do that in one word. Stupidity.

I knew a woman once who hated other women and would cheat and then tell the wife just to break up her marriage.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Shyron, I am commenting on a few of your points.

"If you sleep with one man you are sleeping with everyone he has ever slept with."

I can see the truthfulness in this quote, but I cannot handle the thought of a person causing a spouse to indirectly sleep with . . . Oh, no! I must leave this thought for a while. Scary.

"I knew a woman once who hated other women and would cheat and then tell the wife just to break up her marriage."

Such individuals are on a sick binge and need help. The ones who have them are victims of their own making. I have known women who hated men but slept with them and informed the wives giving them vivid descriptions of their nakedness. What proof! I have also heard of, and seen, in the news where women with incurable diseases have gone on sick binges to infect as many men as they could in order to get back at men in general for infecting them. Men have done it, too. Actually, a man within three miles of my home killed a woman he said infected him. It is illegal to infect on purpose, but most people infected by persons who knew of their illness do not press charges for fear of capturing the attention of the public. Choosing to play the part of a cheater can cost greatly. Everything attractive is not an angel.

"My reply was: It is better to be from a broken home than in one."

Yes, I agree. Many spouses are choosing to be alone rather than with a cheater. I think it is safer and healthier. I just hate the loneliness that follows. "This, too, shall pass."

Thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Many women choose to spend most of their lives dating married men because many married men choose to have them! Likewise, married men date other women because the other women choose to have them. Wouldn't it be simpler to remain single if one cannot be faithful? Just saying.

Of course, the reasons for dating married men are varied, and my guests have contributed well. I am grateful and wish to encourage more contributions.


Dee aka Nonna profile image

Dee aka Nonna 3 years ago

I wonder. I think maybe they are afraid of commitment. Been married twice. First time my husband died very young. Second time...we were married for a long time when I discovered he was cheating. He never acted like he wanted to leave....but the trust was broken. Good hub.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime Author

I am sorry about the early death and the broken trust. Broken trust is like a death itself. I suppose some people can regain their trust, but I never did. I was too afraid of a repetition of that terrible, unbearable pain that most cheaters need to feel themselves to really understand what they are doing to others. I just could not be the one low enough to inflict it. I did manage to forgive and move on. Maybe the correct order was move on and forgive.

Thanks, Dee, for visiting and sharing your experiences.


Shine897 2 years ago

I'm in love with a woman that is in love with a married man. I know she loves me, but I feel in my heart that she's only with me because he cannot be with her. Despite all the evidence that shows the pending doom of their hypothetical "marriage" should his marriage end abruptly, I subsequently feel that if he came running, free of his current wife, she would drop me like a bad habit. Ive never had the highs and lows of emotions that this has caused me over the past few years.....


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Shine897,

"Follow your gut feelings," some always say. You are there for her when he cannot get away from his family. I must say that she is indeed clever--not smart, though. What you said tells me that you know everything that you need to know to get yourself on the right track. If you are in love with her, and she is in love with you, what is the problem? Her cheater is her first choice, and his wife is his first choice. I believe that you should trust your gut feelings about her dropping you if the lover's marriage ends. You saw two crabs in an oily bucket. You jumped into it and joined the party. The question is who is going to be smart enough to think of a way out? You are already thinking. Just don't stop. When you come to a logical solution, do what initially feels right for you.

I am not a fortune teller, but you need to think about what could happen if you actually ended up with her. You would know that she craved the married man even though she had you. You'll also wonder if she is over the addiction of cheering a married man. Will she cheat on you? She does not respect marriage, apparently. If you do get her, I would advise you to get counseling for both of you.

I wish you well, shine897, and I hope that this woman you love and her married lover make the right decisions.

Thanks for dropping by and sharing your thoughts!


Au fait profile image

Au fait 2 years ago from North Texas

Some women take satisfaction from 'stealing' from other women, while others think there is less chance a married man will push for commitment -- believe it or not, many modern women aren't looking for commitment. In today's modern world, lots of women are putting career ahead of marriage and children. More and more women are choosing to go it alone even when they do decide to have children.

I know these new perspectives of the world are difficult for traditional women to accept and wrap their minds around, but the times "they are a changing." Not all women want what used to be the expected roll for women.

As my article on "Marriage, Is It Becoming Obsolete?" explains, people are even experimenting with different types of marriage, so don't be surprised if a single woman is considered part of a marriage nowadays by both the husband and the wife.

Sharing this interesting article and voted up!


Thundermama profile image

Thundermama 2 years ago from Canada

Great hub! I always wondered what compelled women to date married men and now I have some insight.


Marina 2 years ago

Just to point on spouses who to preserve their marriage allow other side to cheat, for example in cases of families with many children or one spouse not satisfying other side's sexual needs but still wanting to sustain the marriage. Aren't they guilty of consciously contributing to other's people suffer, for example the suffer of a single woman/man seduced but cheating married man or women but without any intention to leave his marital partner? I see this sometimes as mutual guilt, not just the guilt of cheating partner but also of the other one sacrificing other people's well-being by closing eyes to cheating and all for sake of his/her own well-being.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime Author

You speak the truth, Marina, but there is something about true love that makes a victim hold on to a sinking ship. There is something about sexual relationships that causes the weaker minds to be harder to tame.

Some statistics show 50 percent of marriages involving cheating. In surveys spouses have reported cheating but never getting caught. If we could get a true count, we may not want to know it. Getting into others' affairs to stop them is often not a smart move.

Thanks for your input!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime Author

I believe you are right, Au fait.

Some women date married men because available men are scarce. Some men are aware of this ratio and feel entitled to more than one woman. I think our world can use a good lesson on the meaning of "marriage." Unless shotguns are involved, marriage is a choice. Is it decent to defile the sacredness of marriage because of the ratio of men to women? I think not.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Thundermama, thanks for dropping in and leaving your voice! I am glad that you found something to take with you. I must thank and credit my readers for elaborating on the ones I have written and leaving new thoughts to ponder. Take care.


Radtech109 2 years ago

Hello.......I am dating married man and I have to say, I don't feel guilty, he doesn't tell me all these lies people perceive, he doesn't make promises, he never bad mouths his wife, and I never ask for any time or push him to see me or leave his wife. Please stop deluding yourselves that all other women are as this post describes. Some are, many are not. I am tired of seeing 99% of posts making these comments about men who have affairs and the other woman. Many of us don't want a man around all the time and we are very capable of entertaining ourselves and we welcome the married man as a friend with bennies. They are safe. Married ladies, listen up! I've worked with men all my 53 years as one of the few women in men dominated fields. The majority of men cheat. I have seen it for the entirety of my career. The wives never know. Most affairs are discreet. Only the crazy women make trouble. Those of us that enjoy it and care about the relationship would never in a million years do anything to cause hurt and pain in our married man's life. I wouldn't want to see his family break up. The wife? I couldn't care less about. Obviously, she's not doing something right, her problem, not mine. She gets to do the dirty work, I have the relaxing times. My guy never had an affair before, I can tell because of how he acted and what not, but here we are, and it's been two years. We see each other once a month on average, sometimes more. We are not in a blind frenzy, we knew each other for 8 years as acquaintances from the past when I met him at a school I attended. It doesn't hur that I look 10 years younger, have a great body better than most 30 year olds, he is 6 years younger, and I have always worked hard at staying fit and in shape.....Just sayin....


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Radtech109, you said you did not care for the wife. Most mistresses don't. That is called jealousy. Did she invade your life or invite you into hers? When mistresses rant on about the wife doing the dirty work and all she has to do is entertain once or twice a month and collect the "bennies," it makes me sad that you believe that you are in the better position. I believe that you are worth more than that. I would rather be the bank teller making $3,000.00 a month than the robber who got away with millions. This is simply about morals, decency, not downgrading. I, too, believe that most men cheat. I also believe that a fast-growing number of women cheat, perhaps as many as men. I am mainly addressing my topic, not all angles of the cheating field. Sometimes we do get carried away. Thanks for participating.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Regardless of our differences, men and women do have much in common. There are women who do not want attachments, so they date married men. There are men who feel the same, many of them. Couldn't they seek each other instead of the married? Some people simply enjoy invasion. Men are gullible when it comes to sex. They do not mind being "used." Some are willing to pay for it because they get what they want. On the other hand, women feel highly insulted when they feel used. If the man is crafty enough to "fix" it where she won't feel used, and he makes her feel that she has the upper hand, all is well. Men are cleverer in this instance. Remember the celebrity type who took the girl to a hotel and asked her to leave as soon as he finished? Mistake! He made her feel used, and that landed him a rape charge via her revenge. Clever men know better. My point is that men and women play mind games when they want to, and both can be quite convincing.


Radtech109 2 years ago

Well, I suppose I could be using my married men, but I don't think in reality I am, as with my girlfriends, we take turns paying for things. I think of my affairs as a male friend with bennies. I mention other men I see, but actually, I don't have sex with any of the other men, only the affair dude. Sorry, but I don't feel any jealousy and nothing but sympathy for the wife. She is married to a man I wouldn't want for a spouse (if I wanted a spouse) and she thinks he's the best. She will never find out unless he decides to tell. Everyone thinks he is the perfect husband, father, provider, etc to that family and she likes that her circle is envious of her for having such a "wonderful" man. Now, why would I be jealous of a woman whose husband is cheating and lying? As with friends, and he is a friend first and foremost, our expectations are less than for a mate. I wouldn't marry a known cheater. That's why I don't get married, I figure 90% of men cheat, so why bother with the worry? If I did marry, it would have to be an open marriage where if one wished to see another due to boredom, it would be discussed and known.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime Author

When a person, man or woman, has only experienced bad relationships, they have a tendency to believe that there are no good prospects out there. There are many good men and women out there looking for each other! However, many of the ones who had bad experiences need to get out of the mentality of thinking that they can fix anyone with major problems. They blindly jump into fires that they cannot quench.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 2 years ago from England

Came back for another read and just wanted to add that I never ever went out with a married guy, even when I was 16 and started dating I made this pledge to myself that I would never tread on another womans toes so to speak, I have kept to it right up till this day!


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime Author

You dated at 16? Wow! I wanted to. When I was 16, I was in "prison. " At that time Mom was a widow, and her brother lived with us and ruled the roost with a shotgun. He reminded me of the ridin' bosses in those state prison movies. Every boy within a 50-mile radius of our home knew that it was off limits to them--or get shot! That was so embarrassing, and we girls were teased badly because of it. I was a "nice" girl by force. When I finally dated after leaving junior college for university, I was still a nice girl. I did not date married men, although some of them were trying. I could tell you some stories about approaches! I am so glad that I listened to my mama. I did not like my uncle's method of keeping the girls safe. I finally told him, not too many years ago, that I appreciated his protection of the girls when we were at home. He was teary-eyed. I truly wish more girls were protected in these present times. A slingshot would be a more sensible weapon, though.

Thanks, Nell!


Really True 2 years ago

Because they like screwing all different kinds of men.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime Author

Really True, you truly made your point without biting your tongue! Thanks for your comment and visit.


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 22 months ago from Houston, Texas

It is a sad situation when men or women decide to cheat and lie regarding this subject. I cannot respect their decisions if they choose that type of lifestyle. They are not trustworthy individuals and this obviously impacts their lives in other ways as well.


Ruth 16 months ago

Hey there, I would like to tell you thank you for your post. I really enjoyed reading the reasons why some women spend their lives fawning over a married man.

Now I want to tell you my story. I worked at a truck stop had station years ago. During that time I had been married for almost 8 years. Over the last few years of my marriage, I was sad and felt alone. My husband was an amazing man. He always treated me with respect. He was my best friend. I worked graves at the truck stop. I was there by my self.most women would be afraid to work such a job but I enjoyed it. Many men knew I was married but they tried and tried to sleep with me. But I "loved" my husband. The truck stop also own it's own fuel truck company. So every morning the fuel truck drivers would come in. There was one in particular that was always so kind (many truckers believe that they are better than women). He would have to come in before any one else so we spent many early mornings together alone. We would drink our coffees and I'd smoke my cigarettes. He was also married and had been for over 16 years. We never flirted or dots anything we should not have. We were just friends. He was older than me by 16 years.. he had grown children. And was expecting a grandchild soon.

One particular morning another trucker came in and was very rude to me. He called me very cruel names. After he left the store, I was almost in tears. My friend made a comment about how I was none of those things. He told me that I was beautiful and was a great person. He hugged me. Now we had hugged in the past but there something about this hug that made me feel different about him. Like he understood my pain. I started seeing him in a different light. Not sexual but as a close friend who cared a lot about me. A few weeks later I was making the biscuits as I do every morning, when he walked up. We had our small talk. Then some how. . Not sure how it happened but after our hug we kissed. Just a peck. Something lit up inside my heart and I realized I was in love with him. The next morning I asked him if he could back off. He was confused and hurt. I don't think he realized that we kissed. As I said we were both married to other people. I knew I was in love with this man. And had never felt this way before. I found out later he was in love with me too. We started seeing each other about once a week out side of work. It never felt wrong. I felt so much love for this man. I soon realized that I wasn't in love with my husband. I tried for years to love him. Many nights I spent crying wishing I could love him. He was so good to me. I couldn't understand why. For months me and the married man stopped communication. He quit that job. So we didn't see each other anymore. 6 months later we saw each other at a bank. I couldn't hold back any longer. We hugged and cried on each other. We promised each other we would be together. 9 years later here we are. We have a son and daughter together. I am still to this day madly in love with this man. He is now bed bound by MS. I will take care of him until the day he dies. And will never remarry. I was the other woman for over a year. Now I am his soul mate and his caretaker.


Larry Rankin profile image

Larry Rankin 15 months ago from Oklahoma

I've never understood the appeal of dating married men.

Interesting analysis.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 15 months ago from Southern Clime Author

Some people enjoy the thrill of taking chances, controlling, and feeling like they are facing a challenge that they aim to beat. Those with low self-esteem enjoy feeling like a winner when they defile a marriage or take from others. It is a false sense of power: "If I can divert this man's/woman's attention to myself, then, I must be really hot!"

Thanks for reading, Larry.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 15 months ago from Southern Clime Author

Ruth, I am not anyone's judge, but I certainly wish you well! Thanks for reading and leaving your story.

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