Love May Falter But It Doesn't Have to Fail

We Can't Do This Alone

The Threat of Breaking Up can Bring a New Normal

After visiting with a friend this morning about difficulties in relationships, I found myself pondering our conversation all day. It occurred to me how often I hear about couples breaking up over the most insignificant issues. It seems like today, it has become easier to just count your losses and book it, but reality check here: wherever you go, there you are!

I often wonder, was that just the excuse for being too lazy or self-centered to care enough to really work at it? I think it just might be. We have all been tempted to just walk away in relationships over things that can't be agreed upon, but to what extreme will we go to work it out. For some dismal reason, life often becomes a tug-of-war between two people both trying to get their own needs met without having to give.

It doesn't work. Real love, is mostly unconditional, and we can't really muster beneficial, sacrificial love from our own will for the most part. We want to, but sometimes we just can't manufacture it in our hearts all by ourselves. It takes intervention, divine intervention to sustain long term love that weathers the storms of life. It's worth it if you care.

When I attend weddings, I see it. The glimpse, the passion, the idyllic love between two people that convinces them that they can spend the rest of their lives together in blissful joy.It starts with the perfect photographer, the perfect cake, the perfect setting, the perfect dress, and of course, the perfect bride and groom. We convince ourselves that WE are going to be different from everyone else, because it was done right. Magical moments we hope to never regret pave the way for eternal joy.

Then the first disagreement comes, and the battle is on. Rather than two people looking for solutions, we become the warriors for our own cause. Pride wells up from deep within, and we just plain demand our way. It doesn't go well, and we are wounded by words and actions that we can't seem to shake for days, weeks, months and then years. You know, the ones you have heard before, from a parent, a sibling, your friend, or even worse, the failed attempt at love that preceded the one you are currently experiencing.

You become even more convinced that you are right. You have to win the battle now because you already lost it with someone else before. You are determined to prove that this time, someone will listen and agree with you. You have all the points rehearsed for presentation. Then the silence. You realize that all of the carefully thought out rational thoughts are not going to be heard, considered, valued or given any regard at all. You are crushed. You want to lash out at someone.

They are gone, unavailable, uncaring, and uninvested in resolution on any level. You are devasted, vowing to never allow that type of vulnerability to show again. No one understands, and you cry, you grieve and you mourn and you wail, and then you are silent.

Nothing changes, you think. Nothing is worth this much pain, and they don't deserve my forgiveness or my attention. I am done with them, we write them off and are even willing to pay them to sweep them out of our life.

My how things change! Friendship shattered, well-intentioned dreams fall by the wayside, and we walk away stunned, particularly if we have invested years of our lives in the never-ending melee we once called our love.

We tell our friends how awful, how difficult, how different they were when they are alone with us, and they show disbelief in sympathy with a clearly one-sided view. We seemed so happy, they comment, and we realize that they are most likely hiding unresolved pain of their own, they choose not to face. To address our situation would require exposure, and no, they are not willing to show their hand might be worse.

Our friends avoid us like the plague. They give us blank stares as though we are aliens from another planet, because they don't want their world disrupted. They are doing the same thing, in many cases. Everyone hides, and covering tracks is a way of life. Don't expose that, please, for that will just make me uncomfortable as sin.

At the end of all of this, if it hasn't reached that point, may I make a simple suggestion? Find help, get a counselor (preferably one who shares your spiritual beliefs) and work it out. Then and only then, you just might break the ugly cycle. Your load will be lighter, because regrets will be fewer. If by chance you don't work it out, at least you will have the peace that you tried.

Eventually you will be able to take risks again, which we must, to heal. Friendships can teach us how to love better without the heated pressure of performing to gain acceptance. Humor is a great tool for healing. Laughing with truthful assessment can be a powerful agent for change and growth. Things cease become so "fatal" as if we will never make it. The drama is over, the curtain comes down, and a new production can begin.




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Comments 9 comments

reeltaulk 4 years ago

Sometimes it is for one to walk away...say "goodbye" Why? because some people like to be difficult, they are driven by a difficult and confused spirit that makes them "cum" so to speak! If something over the edge or crazy isn't taking place they cannot comprehend neither can they relate or accept it for what it truly is. They would rather distort and leave you distorted than come to a "resolution" or leave with sane closure so to speak. So for some it is for them to walk away whether they are the "right or "wrong" because the way that they have chosen to deal with communicating, learning, (educating themselves for the next time around) some how works for them. Most people will hide behind the excuse that they didn't want to "hurt" you, they were scared or whatever else they come up with. 99.9% of the time those excuses are unacceptable! Why? Because when they exhibited or dished out the unacceptable initially they had no problem doing it. They were not shy or embarrassed about it, neither did they take into consideration how it would have affected the "relationship" in the long haul.

For whatever reasons, mostly insecurity and the need for ?!?!? People need to win at all cost. I have no idea what that means but to them it has a meaning that has no universal value. Most of the time their ego is the only thing that has a full understanding of the method to their madness.... Go figure! There are so many other "relationships", individuals, people, circles and families so to speak that you will meet throughout your journey. There is no reason in trying to fix something that lives to remain broken. Goodbye


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SimpleGiftsofLove 4 years ago from Colorado Author

Reeltaulk, thank you for commenting. You have given great thought and insight, which shows maturity through pain. You are absolutely right, some people don't pay attention to their conscience, do wrong things and walk away without thinking twice about the aftermath of pain they leave in the wake of their destruction. I have great respect for you for putting this so clearly, and have learned from your perspective. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, I am sure others will hear the advice you give and you may have rescued someone out of misery by your candid approach! You are amazing! After these comments, I am following you!


anonymous 4 years ago

Thanks for the compliments and thank you for appreciating my two cents Gifts! Although it may seem that my words, opinion or belief may have come from pain I can't really say that that's the source. But I will say that just like any recipe it take a bit of some special things to make whatever dish complete. Pain like just like a sword has two sharp sides and some people through their negative behavior don't realize how it becomes a resourceful tool. #reverse psychology. Best wishes to you in 2012.


reeltaulk 4 years ago

lol I don't know why they have replaced my name with anonymous but anywho! lol


reeltaulk 4 years ago

Oops I forgot to say this, when you are caught up and enthralled in what has been sent your way, when you realize and know that you have that one of a kind individual in your life that has done and continuously will do all that you nEEd. When you find that person that will Love you the same after each and every stupid thought jester or beahvior you have committed as though it never took place. You will in no way try to compare yourself to what others are doing, saying, behaving. Nothing will compare because others lives will always be irrelevant. There will be no need to "share" anything with "friends" that will googly eye you because they can't believe how quickly you've lost your mind. Everything isn't perfect, this we do all know, but taking a stance to perfect things is like non other, especially when concerning the one/ones you "love"!


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SimpleGiftsofLove 4 years ago from Colorado Author

Pardon my misread, it seemed that you were so insightful your wisdom had to have come through experience. You are so right, the sword can become our teacher if we let it cut to the chase. Living well surpasses living artificially even when we hurt! Best wishes to you as well and thanks again!


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SimpleGiftsofLove 4 years ago from Colorado Author

Reeltaulk,

How lucky am I to have drawn you into conversation! Your words are amazing, and true. True love doesn't demand constant change to another's way of thinking, it celebrates the discoveries we make along the way, and the changes that are birthed in us, spiritually, emotionally and physically as a result. I remember a friend whose wife cheated on him and left him said to me, "I am irreplaceable." I have held those words as a gift and a reminder that we each are unique, specifically designed to live and impact others in a way no one else can. That alone is cause for a Victory Chant is it not?


Fennelseed profile image

Fennelseed 4 years ago from Australia

You have described a universal pattern and I do wonder whether the ever climbing divorce rate matchs what appears to be an epidemic greed trend. Our western societies have become more and more "me, me" driven. I have just read a hub by Gregas on greed and now reading your hub I can't help but think there is a connection. People seem to be more and more self centered and this doesn't do well for relationhips.

A very interesting hub, you have described relationship behaviour so very well. The whole snowball effect when a disagreement gets way out of proportion and its all downhill from there. I totally agree and have to ask the same question - "why say goodbye?".

Thank you for this thought provoking hub. My votes to you, SGL.


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SimpleGiftsofLove 4 years ago from Colorado Author

Fennelseed, thank you for your comments, I have been thinking about it a lot lately too. Personally, the balance can be a hard one to keep in relation to some one who tries to control with money. Is that really even a relationship when battles turn financial rather than investing time into the emotional bank of the relationship? I see more and more parents and spouses throwing money and things in lieu of real involvement. It troubles me. Appreciate the thought provoking dialog, and I value your feedback. Thanks for taking time.

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