Why is Marriage so Important to Me?
Do I or don't I?
Is this the best it will be?
I grew up watching the old, musical, love stories with my father. Every weekend, we'd turn on the TV and watch Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Judy Garland and the rest of the 60's crowd swoon their partners and end up happily ever after. I grew up believing that my life would eventually pan out like one of these fairy tales.
For some reason, I have been a magnet for men with issues. Infidelity, anger, mental issues, pessimistic, impotent and immature men. I am not claiming to be a golden coin myself; however, I used to be well adjusted, happy, optimistic and balanced. I began life early on as an independent 18 year old on her own; put myself through college, landed a great job right away and was physically fit and mentally ecstatic about my life in general.
The more men I have been with, the more I have disapeered. I was married once and stuck out a 13 year relationship because I thought that it had to be something I was doing wrong. When I left, I felt reborn and like God have given me a second chance. If you consider the men I dated before my marriage, then it was one of many chances!
I met a few men after my divorce and fell into what I thought was love. Still waiting for that fairy tale story to happen to me. I made life exciting and did so much for my partner that I became overpowering and too driven for them. I tried to make conversation a focal point between us and it sent them running the other way. I found out I loved the physical aspect of the relationship and I wore them out.
Yet, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and the level of commitment it represents.
The man I have been with for almost three years is a puzzle to me. There are moments when I feel so deeply in love with him that I want to get on bended knee myself and propose. Other times, I want to smack him in the face with a large frying pan and severe his head from his shoulders.
I just want to feel cherished. Respected. Loved...emotionally and physically. I have a man that is a thoughtful provider in so many ways. We can laugh about many things. We enjoy each other's company. He wants nothing to do with me physically. Except for an occasional kiss and hug. He is often moody and excludes me from his thoughts. He says he loves me many times per day but he doesn't like to express his feelings; rather show them through work around the house and taking care of things.
I feel so screwed up as a middle aged woman. Gone is the confidant, happy, go getting woman I used to be. Life has worn me down. Kids, the job, demands, bills and the responsibilities of having to be the grown up have broken me to the point of not knowing my purpose any more.
I love this man. I long for him to sit me down and tell me his world is simply me. I want him to take me in his arms and show me physically that even though I am fat and middle aged, that to him, I am the sexiest vixen he can imagine himself being with. He is not abusive. He is just more distant than I want him to be.
I am told by many of my middle aged friends that I live in a fantasy. That they continue life with someone they consider their friend but gave up long ago on getting the perks that we had been brainwashed with in our younger years.
Is this the best it will be? I've dated quite a bit since my divorce. I'm not seeing anyone with the qualities that I am hoping for. My man doesn't want the commitment of marriage either. He is content with how we live together and wonders why I want to change this.
I honestly feel like jumping into a time warp and wondering if I did things differently in my life, would I still be feeling the way i do now? Who knows?
I just hope that anyone reading this and beginning a new venture in life will stop before they leap in and carefully plan out your course. Good luck.
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