Did My Abusive Husband Ever Really Love Me?

In my quest to heal from years of extreme mental manipulation, ambient abuse (aka gaslighting) and control, I am seeking answers. Are you?

I am hoping you can help me (and others in abusive relationships).

This is the third in a series of pages created since my husband of 28 years has stopped any normal interaction with our kids and me. Long story short, once we began to see his lies and abusive behavior for what they were, he decided not to have anything more to do with us. I have learned this sudden abandonment of children (and spouses) is sadly common among narcissistic personality disordered men.

It's hard to imagine, even to us, that his abuse was hidden for so many years. I know it sounds a little crazy when I say that we thought, despite his often abrupt, mean, and rude behavior, that he was also loving and had our best interests at heart. Certainly, no one is perfect.

Now we aren't sure if we were much more than favorite objects to him. Why else, when he can't control us, are we no longer of any use to him?

While he is gone in from our home in body, his angry tones and brainwashing words still echo in my mind. I am suffering the effects of trauma: fear, nightmares, insomnia, reliving traumatic events, and an overall feeling of distrust. I need to educate myself on controlling people and malignant narcissism and continue to heal.

I also feel the need to share what I have learned, to help others, and to help spread awareness of this most harmful type of abuse. While abuse of another person's body is highly objectionable in Western culture, abuse of the mind (the heart, the very soul) of another seems largely misunderstood or ignored. This must change.

My thanks for any and all thoughts you share with others and with me. Perhaps we can make a difference, somehow, in someone's life.

(and please also visit the other pages in this series)

(image by Andrew C., Romania, via sxc.hu)

This guy has several videos on YouTube. He seems to have valuable insights.

I am not sure.

Some Controlling People are Narcissistic, Angry, and Self-Centered

I believe this is the case with my abusive husband.

Definition of NPD:

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

~ Mayo Clinic Staff, http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652

* * *

"Narcissists "love" their spouses or other significant others as long as they continue to reliably provide them with Narcissistic Supply (in one word, with attention). Inevitably, they regard others as mere "sources", objects, or functions. Lacking empathy and emotional maturity, the narcissist's love is pathological."

~ wiki.answers.com

* * *

"He loves the romance, the attention, admiration, adoration, promise of ideal love and hope that he has found "the one" who will tolerate all his weirdness without question. When his beloved begins to question him, differ with him or make demands, his "weirdness" escalates. He resorts to his manipulation techniques to get you to stop bringing his issues to the forefront. And his greatest manipulation technique is to dump it all on you. It is your fault. You are too demanding! You don't accept him as he is!"

~ narcissismfree.com, Did The Narcissist Ever Really Love Me?

* * *

The narcissist's "love" is hate and fear: disguised fear of losing control and hatred of the very people his precariously balanced personality so depends on. The narcissist is egotistically committed only to his own well-being. To him, the objects of his "love" are interchangeable and inferior.

~ wiki.answers.com

* * *

"Perhaps he loved the idea of you. Perhaps he loved how you made him feel. Perhaps he loved the fantasy of what life with you could bring him. Perhaps he loved the idea that he has finally found someone who will love him unconditionally and ignore his shortcomings (which are a lot)."

~ narcissismfree.com, Did The Narcissist Ever Really Love Me?

Rather than tolerate grief for the harm they caused others, take responsibility to fix the mess they created, live with the sadness of knowing they hurt their family/partner, etc. the narcissist will avoid responsibility by replacing the people in his life.

We are props in a theatrical presentation and having been judged incompetent and imperfect, his highness dismisses us without warning.

~ Midlife & Narcissism, The WoN Connection

Not only do abusers feel entitled to what they want, but also how they want it, and when and where they want it.

-- Steve Becker, Getting Inside The Head Of The Abusive Personality

For a man to be successful in a modern marriage, he must develop the habit of acting on his sense of inadequacy as motivation to improve his relationship. He must clearly understand that his bad feelings are not punishment; they are motivation to be more protective and loving.

-- Steven Stosny in Anger in the Age of Entitlement, 2010

Entitlement is the "overarching attitudinal characteristic" of abusive men, a belief in having special rights without responsibilities, justifying unreasonable expectations (e.g., family life must centre on his needs). He will feel the wronged party when his needs are not met and may justify violence as self-defence.

-- Characteristics of Abusive Men, Centre for Children and Families in the Justice System

Entitlement is the abuser's belief that he has a special status and that it provides him with exclusive rights and privileges that do not apply to his partner. The attitudes that drive abuse can largely be summarized by this one word.

-- Lundy Bancroft, Author and former codirector of Emerge, the nation's first therapeutic program for abusive men

In reading and educating myself about controlling, angry men (and/or narcissistic people), I have learned that their abusive behavior stems from a very self-centered attitude. They see themselves as inherently better than others. If we are not showering them with admiration, approval, or being what they want us to be, we are seen as worthless to them.

A fellow abuse survivor wrote, "The hardest thing is accepting that one's spouse never cared for you, but only himself."

I think she's right. Do you? It's a horrible thought, isn't it? Maybe you can help me wrap my brain around this?

Do you think he ever really loved me?

This helps me...

"Trust is a gift. If you gave and it was not well and honestly received - YOU have no blame. That you would trust and honor you both with one of the greatest gifts one human can offer to another, makes the betrayer the person who is sorely lacking. You must not diminish the magnitude and beauty of your gift - by belittling yourself for having given."

-- webofnarcissism.com, BETRAYAL! THE FEELING OF BEING BROKEN... AND THE RECOVERY, By Pamela Brewer, MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C