empty bowl

this is a letter i sent to Bob... but never got a response nor a reply for it...

another sleepless night meant another zit bursting in approximately 3 days. i better find that pore and prick it before any actual casualty is spent. 

who am i kidding. it doesn't matter. it doesn't seem to matter that i spent for my hair, purchased makeup i never thought i'd need and that right now, i'm wearing a pretty nightie you might've liked... coz you're not here.

i can't stop it. i keep doing the stupidest things, coming up with the most ridiculous ideas that i just can't believe i myself came up with in the first place. it's one thing to understand what's pushing this urge further and another thing to feel this heap of anxious emotions as i wait to be there...

beh, i know you can't read between these lines... i prefer the kind of truthfulness i exude when i'm upset and when i'm trembling like this... what you see above is the way i talk on blogs. the feelings that linger after reading each line will always seem shallow but only when you really feel the words i choose, how i hold back the feelings and resort to supposedly clever definitions is how my emptiness is emerging.

it was an emptiness i was never familiar with... last night, i was thinking, pretending you were gone so it wouldn't hurt as much in the morning when i finally told you what i had in mind... i had it all in place, i thought i rehearsed it well enough for i deprived myself of sleep just for that cause. all that effort had to turn out as something... but i was dead wrong...

saying it all to you, telling you i wanted to let go and leave... saying goodbye without saying the words... it was something so profoundly painful that i couldn't describe it accurately into words... then i realized, it was not the lack of prowess but it was the misguided emotion... losing you wouldn't be painful... it was beyond that. instead, it would feel EMPTY. empty because you've already taken a part of me that will always belong to you. empty because there was nothing in the world to take your place...

i honestly wished you were mine ,beh. i want you so much that i wish i could live the fairytale and grow old with you. but logic and sheer logic will tell me that the best life for you is not by my side. and i thoroughly understand that. i may love you with all my heart but that could never compare the life both of you havce envisioned together. 

i will not bother wondering bout the white picket fences you might build around a pretty house one day but this i will always hope and pray for: that you'd be happy and successful in any and every undertaking. 

today, i'll stay with you. i'll be here as we build our mini dreams together and see what happens in the next few months or in a year... but i also want you to know that as early as now, i have set you free. i don't want you to feel any guilt, nor regret for having to say goodbye to me one day. this was by far one of the hardest choices to make when i bought that first plane ticket, but something i would never take sourly. 

and don't you worry about me. i  would stare into the mirror in day's end and see myself with eyes red... then i'd insist crying was overrated.