Redemption

I wish my mistakes could be erased as easy as the traces of my pencil as I write this…Sometimes I wish myself invisible, absent from all judgments and accusations. But at other times I begin to think of it as a battle and myself the hero, standing straight with the burden of my sins. But though straight as I stand it has left a scar on my face obvious to those who can see.

It’s not about what trace it leaves on your heart as much as it is the feeling that you’ve failed yourself amongst the tests God has put ahead of you in this life. And like all things in life there are those amendable mistakes and there are those which aren’t, left for time only to forget; left for time to forget. Once I stood as a child…sinless, Innocent and ignorant. Flowers covered my neck gently reflecting a blossom on my face. The wind would blow my hair as I walked the beautiful gardens of the earth…all creatures welcoming my feeble steps and my quiet hums. Birds sang in my presence, trees whirled as I passed through them, and I in my own imaginative world believed all things to be happy. Naturally happiness ran through my veins and drew a smile on my face and a calming touch on my fingers. I felt I had a friend who was speechless but true in every feeling towards me, our language was a silent one but the colors of life expressed our joy and happiness. I ran through the gardens of color and calm ambience. I listened to the beats in the water eagerly and ran my fingers gently through it washing away my selfish thoughts and welcoming for all good feelings. But man is destructive and selfish. Soon my only friend became part of the distant past and I stood lonely, confused and brusque in all ways. As time taught me to forget, I found new friends and let all things pass like all things do in life. I cannot explain myself as I stand here today. I cannot justify my actions as they take the shape of an un-identified creature. Only I’m not in a state of denial and that is what keeps me moving.

What we do sometimes is un-justifiable and as much as we waste time looking for reasons for our actions…as much as we fall deeper in the black hole of our mistakes …as much as we fall deeper in the whirlwind of life, waiting for someone to pull us out and set us straight. And so where can I seek this golden advice I wonder? Where can I find that distant friend who always comforted me in times like these? They tell me you will find him in your soul, look deep enough and you’ll find him. Throw away all the pleasures of life, all the useless thoughts which have penetrated your mind and blackened your vision…throw it all away and he will appear. Yes, he shall appear.