Televangelist Superstar
Televangelist Superstar
He has the most beautiful teeth I've ever seen on any mortal. If I were a
dentist, I could only pray that he would come to me regularly for a cleaning, a
filling, or a denture alignment. I would have a good salary too! We could even
barter. I could get a blessing for a cleaning, a healing for a filling, and
eternal life in exchange for a lifetime of soul winning smiles. I wonder who
his tailor is. I'll bet next month's tithe that he doesn't own a suit like
that. Maybe he can barter his services for some stuff from Jesus, a button for
a blessing; I'd like to have that job.
HEEEEAAAALLLLLl!! Satan! Come out! He slaps the woman with the not so
great teeth on the forehead; she falls back only to be caught by his impeccably
dressed Deacons (another nice job) and is laid gently on the floor to sleep off
her miracle. Did she receive the Holy Spirit, or did he knock her out? She
wakes up refreshed. She's been cured of her insomnia, but she could still use a
dentist.
Thanking Jesus, she jumps up and down like a game show contestant who has just
won a cruise to the Virgin Islands. I wonder
how much she got paid. Enough to see the dentist for a cleaning?
Cool! I'm going bald. Maybe if I put my hand on the screen and call in my bank
card number, my aging follicles will re-generate and I'll wake up tomorrow
morning just in time for work sporting an Afro! I called the toll free number
to see if I could get a prayer. Someone answered immediately. "Jesus
Loves You!" It’s nice to know that some Palestinian who died 2,000
years ago, rose from the dead, and who is still somewhere in my heart, loves
me.
I was given another number to call. The prayer line had an area code in another
state and I'd have to pay for the call. That’s okay, it’s cheaper than
Monoxodil. After confessing that I was a sinner whose righteousness was not
worth a pile of filthy rags, and after accepting that great big God into my
little unworthy heart; I received my prayer. I could just begin to feel my bald
spot tingling when I was asked if I would like to become a member of the
Trinity Prayer Family. "What
is that?" I asked.
"The Bible says that when
two or more are present in The Lord's name, He is present and prayers are
answered. The Trinity Prayer Family is a worldwide congregation of millions of
the faithful who pray all day for the Lord to answer your prayers. You’ll
receive a quarterly newsletter that contains testimonials from the saved who
have received their miracle in the last ninety days, Praise the Lord, a T-shirt,
the Reverend's new book, and a TGI Friday's gift certificate for two. You will
also receive a 10% discount on airfare in the Reverend's private plane and
accommodations in The Prayer Family Hotel during our annual Family Field Trip
to the Holy Land. If you will allow us to
debit $100.00 a month from your checking account, you can be a part of the God
loving family of our Heavenly Father. You will also receive a gift certificate
that you can use to buy Holy Water from the Jordan River,
Prayer Cloths, and other souvenirs from the hotel's gift shop."
Man! What a deal! I told the girl
on the phone that I would talk it over with my wife since she is the one who
makes the decisions about how large our family should be and how much we spend
on airfare and hotels. I thanked her and Jesus, and I went to the bathroom to
shave my head.
