Where Is God Hiding?

I'm going through a change. Retrospecting my life. I'm half a century old. Noticing folks treat me differently. Old friends dumping me, I get banned from high school and summer camp sites, and defriended, blocked and taken out of the feed! So I find myself thinking more inward at myself because I'm baptized now. I now feel comfortable talking about what's in my mind and how I truly feel about my life and how being with a good church community will help me greatly.

It's happening in stages though. First, I'm starting to slowly understand feelings of being alone. The closer I try to get to God, the more alone I felt. Maybe that is why my father didn't get into God. Because seeking that understanding of God makes you feel alone for awhile, and he was not strong enough, nor bold enough (as I am posting this and other posts) to voice it or pursue it like I am. He just crushed some pills in Vodka, wrote goodbye notes, put on a tuxedo and checked out.

Then I was told to use the pain you feel caused by what happened with my dad, and turn it into my strength. "You are a strong woman, I can see that," as many have said to me, "...even you yourself said and believe that 'this too shall pass'. Focus on yourself," said the post on Facebook.

Eventually, after the alone time passes, and the depression goes away, and the sun rises, so will I meet God and feel the great feelings I've been seeking. God does not deny something you crave if you feel in your heart that it is good and happening that way.

But before the elation, I'm bound to feel no one reaching for me, except God. I have no friends, family never calls, I'm alone all the time, hubby is at work all day, then directing his play at the beach, not home until 11pm, it's kinda' weird, God is allowing me to be alone to think. Even with the baptism, it's going to be rough going! I knew this Latino guy and when I did or said something weird or wrong he would say loudly in my ear, "THINK LESLIE, THINK!!!!"

I feel I am a sole survivor! My dad committed suicide when he was alone, he tried 4 times! OMG, I just got so scared, so I got myself baptized which insures I will not take my own life. But it's more than that! Being Baptized was a dream of mine since I was 5 years old, but I still live a bit of a "Cheap Dime Novel" life! I am so open, anyone can read my stuff. Some of it sounds like a cheap dime novel!

I just feel alone sometimes lately. Even feel a bit separated still from the wonderful Church folk, but I know they just have to get to know me. I will, of course, be volunteering for some things at church, and getting to know some of them there that I can trust with my feelings and issues. I'm taking a great class there and it's teaching me to quiet myself and not always blurt out my life so easy. I'm learning, but it's hard to be quiet, it just is, because you start to think inward and you realize things about yourself and the people you place around you. I felt like a wreck at times yesterday.

There is plenty I would love to share with you, but have no idea where to begin. I guess I will start by saying this, "Everything I'm feeling is normal. Instead of looking to "mankind" for comfort, peace, and acceptance, I am now looking toward God. The Bible says "Cast your cares upon Him for He cares for you."

I've noticed that some people have a sad misconception that when they come to Christ their lives get easier when in fact its the opposite. Our spiritual battle is just beginning. I am no longer on the Devil's side so now He is going to do whatever he can to make me fall.

The Bible is your Life's handbook. It is how we are taught to conduct ourselves while we await our Father's return, and so much more. It gives us the tools we need to not just survive, but to thrive. Our lives are no longer our own. What we go through is for the benefit of others, to help them through their struggles. Whatever I'm going through with life struggles should be kept between myself and God, with the exception of maybe a couple of close trusted people that can give me Godly advice. But I cannot help but spill the beans on my life. I am driven.

Another Facebook friend made sense with this: Remember, it is not you who lives but Christ who lives through you! Greater is he who is in you than he who is in this World! And last but not least, the same strength Jesus had while he was walking the Earth performing miracles is the same strength that's in me now that I've accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior! I know I'm going to be just fine! I hear my Facebook friend's voice screaming this: GET INTO YOUR BIBLE WOMAN! It really does do wonders!

I am creative, I am kind, I love art, I love to write and love some of the things I think about that make me laugh. And that is that. Nothing more to add. Just have to get on with it now that I am baptized. So where does that leave me? In God's Hands! Start to use my gifts of music, art, writing and other such hobbies.