CMLL Puebla Preview: Sharlie Like a Rockstar
The other day, a super cool dude named Conor (no, not the guy who just got every other wrestling fan’s panties in a bunch) commented on my review of CMLL’s Tuesday Show. He said many a nice thing about my work; he also warned me that trying to preview and review every CMLL show available for viewing would lead to my demise. Conor, if you’re reading this now, make sure they put on my tombstone that I died trying, like Alec Guinness at the end of The Bridge on the River Kwai. Or Roy Batty at the end of Blade Runner; whichever film works best for you! In the meantime I have yet another CMLL Puebla show to predict, and judging from the card, it’s going to start with a whole lot of meh, improve greatly and then leave me simultaneously going “this is fun” and “OH MY GOD WHY WON’T YOU TAKE SHOCKER AWAY?!”. And with that I think we’re ready to start right? Moses, just meme it. MEME IT!
Centella Roja, Millenium, París vs. Akuma, Espíritu Maligno, Inquisidor
What to Expect: Uh…you can expect a match? I’m honestly not overly familiar with any of these guys besides Millenium, and it’s not like it matters anyway considering CMLL puts out a “NO DIVES ALLOWED!” sign for the first several matches Monday and Tuesday night. You might simply be better off missing this match and spending the time watching an episode of Millennium, aka the Chris Carter show that didn’t feature David Duchovny or any hope of entertaining you outside of the unintentionally funny teaser trailer.
Winners: Team Millenium. THE LOSING STREAK IS OVAH! I couldn’t resist.
Arkalis, Pegasso, Tigre Rojo Jr. vs. Arkángel de la Muerte, Espanto Jr., Policeman
What to Expect: You know how match one is just a match? So is match two, only this time it’s got Policeman, which may or may not make this worse. I’ll be watching this one here just to see if Tigre Rojo is allowed to do more than he was last week and if Pegasso looks more like the capable high flyer that he is and less like the dude who appeared to be possessed by Canelo Casas last week.
Winners: When in doubt, go with the rudos and hope to hell Pegasso and Tigre are allowed to get some air. It’s pretty much the only way to guarantee the review of this column isn’t shorter through the first two matches than this preview is!
Black Tiger, Titán, Tritón vs. Ares, Bobby Z, Virus
What to Expect: Is that…can it be…SIGNS OF LIFE?! I don’t believe it! Alas I and the rest of you better because this is the first bout of the night that actually resembles something with a pulse, despite CMLL’s best efforts for it not to by adding Black Tiger and Ares into the match. The only thing more DOA than their feud is the 1980s Dennis Quaid movie of the same name. Thankfully everyone else in this match is exceptional, so exceptional that I’m pretty sure their mere presence cancels out the meh that Tiger and Ares are bringing to the table. Hell it may help make those guys interesting; I can totally see Virus making Black Tiger look like the most interesting Black Tiger since Eddie Guerrero. Basically as long as Tiger and Ares are forced to work with other people or their interactions are short and sweet this match should be a lot of fun, and not just because we’re going to get to see Virus face off against emo Triton for the first time. You may have seen Virus and Triton before, but never with a My Chemical Romance like twist to the proceedings.
Winners: Perhaps I’m the only one but these continued Black Tiger-Ares interactions have me thinking that the Tiger-King Jaguar match isn’t the only Apuesta match happening between two Puebla mainstays. Thus, unfortunately, I think these two take center stage here to set up that grand finale sometime over the next few weeks, with Ares getting the better of Tiger to give the rudos the victory. And yes, my face will look just as depressed as Titan, Triton, Bobby Z and Virus feel after the match. Dammit all!
Atlantis, Máscara Dorada, Mistico vs. Cavernario, Felino, Negro Casas
What to Expect: I’m going to put this into the simplest of terms; if Mistico’s shoulder doesn’t pop out like it’s playing Whack-A-Mole, this match will run circles around…well pretty much everything. What does this mean; that we need every voodoo doctor/psychic/whatever the hell that woman under the bridge was in the Megalopolis script making sure Mistico is the healthiest son of a bitch this side of the Rio Grande. I want him stronger than the seeds John Oliver was receiving!
That blackout I just experienced aside, boy oh boy this match should simply be electric. Everyone in this match is not only exceptional, but the talent across the ring should motivate everyone to just go full throttle. For me I’m most interested in seeing the legends Casas and Atlantis; both have strangely been left out in the cold on the road to the Anniversary Show because…who the hell knows (hey, when you have a chance to completely ignore the guy who just gave you two of the greatest, most profitable main events in Anniversary Show history the past two years and one of the best luchadors alive ever, you gotta do it). This match here provides both men ample opportunity to sink their teeth into it and remind CMLL what the hell they’re missing. If you’re not me however, your eyes will be on Dorada, and with good reason as he’s continued to go full blast despite being rumored to have a WWE contract waiting for him at any time. With three excellent rudos to work with (and whom he has great chemistry with as well), he should provide another home run performance to whet the appetite of people who think wrestling only begins and ends with three initials. Such is the life of most wrestling fans sadly.
Winners: This is basically a pick ‘em here. CMLL seems to love having the rudos win on the lesser shows, so I’ll say Casas, Felino and Cavernario pull off the victory, followed by all six men getting richer as the Puebla crowd throws money in the ring while we all continue to wonder just what the hell Paco Alonso is thinking. Yes I am bitter and I don’t care who knows it!
Marco Corleone & Último Guerrero vs. Sharlie Rockstar & Shocker
What to Expect: This match both annoys me greatly and interests me greatly at the same time. Let’s start with the annoyance, which you’ll be surprised to know leads right back to the Shocker-UG match CMLL is setting up. After a week of trying to figure out just why the promotion went with this bout instead of a much better Volador Jr.-UG bout, I have to admit that I’m closer to finding out whether or not there was a third mystery ship out there the night the Titanic sank. I have no clue what CMLL is doing, I have no idea why an impeccable talent like Ultimo Guerrero is being wasted on the corpse of Shocker, and the thought of it continues to fill me with a feeling I haven’t felt since the Mets went up on the Cubs by six after two innings in Game 4. Compared to this stupidity, La Mascara vs. Dragon Lee looks like Hamlet in comparison.
So what interest was I able to find from this match? Well for starters the UG is involved and just last week he put in such an effort that he was able to make Shocker look semi-respectable when they crossed paths. I don’t know how long it can last but I do know he’ll at least give it another whirl tonight. Secondly, Marco is involved and it’s always nice to see him do entertaining things like his cocky heel dance and those numerous dives over the top rope. But the most interesting aspect of this match for me isn’t any of those three or any storyline; it’s Sharlie Fucking Rockstar. I know, I can’t believe I’m saying this either! Whatever has been working for Sharlie since he showed up in Elite/CMLL is really working for me though; I thought he was the best part of both the CMLL vs. Elite Trios matches he was involved in the past couple of Super Viernes’ and his comeback (which may I remind you is coming after a couple years in prison) has just absolutely fascinated me. As much as I respect UG and Marco, the thought of Shocker being in this match to set up a soul sucking feud with UG would’ve left me turning off the show tomorrow to go play MLB 16: The Show. The inclusion of Rockstar means I’ll watch the whole damn match just to see if he actually dares to break out more dives and that springboard hurricanrana to the floor again. What have you done to me Rockstar?!
Winners: If there’s a Cthulhu in Paco Alonso’s skull (or his booking teams’), Shocker will eke out a win on the UG here and set up the big match between the two next week just so we can get this shit over with. I say the lord will work in mysterious ways and that’s exactly what happens. Just please Cthulhu; let Marco and Rockstar go wild in the meantime. Hell set up a match between those two. The thought of Rockstar no selling Marco’s grind dance is the stuff that champions are made of I tell you!
And so endeth another review girls and boys. I’m off to watch a gif of Aerostar hitting the greatest suicide dive I’ve ever seen over and over and over again, at least till tomorrow afternoon when I crank out my CMLL Tuesday preview. Till then, some life lessons from three time divorcee Ross Gellar.
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