GOOD THING THE BEARS DIDN'T MAKE A VIDEO THIS TIME -- History of the Super Bowl Part 37

2006

Welcome to Indianapolis.

You have entered a city that is very nice.

As you travel down a busy road downtown, four way lanes with five stoplights and green directional signs, you notice a cop a few feet away from your vehicle.

He's not messing with you, but you notice something -- he's on horseback.

A city where horses travel along with cars.

This is what it's like in the city whose football team is now the Colts.

Indianapolis's sports are very curious.

They DO NOT TRANSLATE WELL THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE STATE.

I was in Bloomington, Indiana during Game 1 of the 2000 NBA FInals.

At the bar we were at -- the bartender had to be TOLD to turn the game onto NBC.

Wrestling had been on.

During Reggie Miller's very first Finals game.

Meanwhile there's alot of Chicago fans in the northern part of the state.

And there's no hockey or baseball.

There is a problem with Indianapolis that has nothing to do with its' sports, but it definitely keeps alot of choice athletes from ever wanting to go there --

They shut the WHOLE CITY DOWN AT 2 P.M. ON SATURDAY.

I defy you to find a mall that's open.

We walked into the fucker when it was closed.

They don't lock any doors, and we're staring across a sneeze guard at a glass frame of salami and turkey for sale. And nobody's there to let us buy it for 8,000 square feet.

Indianapolis has two whole blocks of nightlife.

It looks very similar to Detroit.

Like if you just took the Chicago area around Adler Planetarium and the alleys behind the two nearest buildings.

Indianapolis is 300 miles away from Chicago, which means that there comes a point when there are Colts fans everywhere and not just Bears fans.

For South Bend and Michigan City and Fort Wayne and Mishawaka...were loaded with Bears fans.

This would be, thus, the first ALL-INDIANA SUPERBOWL.

Even more so when you know that the Bears quarterback who would go against Peyton Manning...was a Bloomington native.

I'm not kidding.

-----------------------------------------

For this upcoming decade in Chicago, there will lots of Rex Grossman jokes.

It shouldn't have been this way.

But the only thing that's keeping it from happening is that it's hard to come up with a nickname for someone who intercepts the ball.

Ever since Unnecessary Roughness (1991), we know to call Rashaan Salaam "FUMBLE-LIYA".

Yet like I said...it shouldn't have been that way.

Rex Grossman has been playing organized football since he was in the third grade.

He had always been the tailback.

When he was in the sixth grade, his mom asked his coach to "convert him into a quarterback".

You see what I'm getting at?

Grossman was so good at this game, it was that easy to just...have him go from a lifetime of electrical guitar...to the ho-down jug...and end up a professional.

Grossman would always try to be like Bradshaw, is how I can explain it.

For Grossman would give snappy answers to questions where the subtext was always "take it easy" "relax", "I'm relaxing".

Rex Grossman went to Bloomington South high school and dominated.

They won the state title, and nobody's yet beaten his QB passing rating, passing yards, none of that.

Grossman had to HARRASS Steve Spurrier for a tryout with Florida.

Spurrier kept telling him -- we don't recruit Indiana kids.

He said -- you'll recruit this one.

During the 2002 college football season, Florida State, Florida and Miami made up three of the top five in the nation.

The quarterback trio could beat anybody's -- Chris Weinke of FSU who was almost 30 and was Florida State's like all time TD leader, Ken Dorsey who had won 22 in a row at that point, and Rex Grossman who led the world in passing.

Touchdowns vs. wins vs. passing yards.

We would get the passing yards.

During week 2, defending champion Miami had to travel to the swamp to play Grossman.

It was #1 visiting #3.

#1 beat Grossman unfortunately, having the inside track all the way to the national title game against Maurice Clarett and Ohio State.

Grossman would give way to Chris Leak, and be picked by the Bears at #22.

Grossman would be a MAMMOTH.

He passed far.

He passed accurate.

But he kept getting injured.

For Grossman had been the first passing quarterback the Bears had in almost fifteen years.

They were continuously screwing up his timing, snapping the ball into their own testicles, running forward with the ball caught in the velcro of their gloves...

Missing assignments who weren't directly in front of their faces.

Grossman would always break his hand.

His thumb.

His pinkie.

Grossman kept playing on it.

Interceptions happen that way.

2006 will be the first season that Grossman's healthy.

And it's a TERRIBLE SEASON.

Grossman every week, every Monday, is called out on the radio by the fattest, loudest Eddie V and Joe Blo Bears dickhead.

The Bears have Tommie Harris the pass rusher go down and the efficiency of the defense GOES DOWN BY HALF.

They are creaming niggas all season, holding them under 20 points...and then Harris is out and we're lucky for whatever we get.

Grossman had Muhsin Mohammas and Bernard Berrian to throw too, as well as tight end Desmond Clark.

All three were pretty good.

Thomas Jones was Grossman's running back and did good. He was once on the Cardinals, who the Bears would beat in a monumental comeback on Monday Night Football, easily the best regular season game I've ever seen.

Cedric Benson of Texas sucks.

Brian Urlacher sucks and Lance Briggs and him were the linebackers, and only these two guys and Tillman were kept from 2001 on the ENTIRE DEFENSE.

Tillman played alongside our best buddy...Ricky Manning.

Tank Johnson was there and Mike Anderson the rookie alongside Harris was GREAT.

Ogunleye gets better and better every year.

Yet none of these guys matched the talent of one man...

The future of football, and he wears #23 because he's a Chicagoan who knows he's meant for big things...

Devin Hester.

I can't believe how good Devin Hester is.

Devin Hester would have about 14 returns for touchdowns while the second runner-up in the whole league had 1.

The problem with Hester is that he would be over-used, and that's how great employees at shitty organizations...quit.

Hester is now a reciever so he can get knocked unconscious as the Bears offense is neglected.

I fear that Mike Martz is going to keep him as a receiver. Why wouldn't he?

Most of the games that the Bears will win in 2006 is because of Hester touchdowns. Swear to god.

The defense outgained the offense in 2001, as did the special teams outgaining the offense in 2006.

Grossman's backup was Brian Griese, who all Chicagoans wanted to see instead.

This is what makes them Chicagoans.

It's a terminal illness.

They will all freeze for three months...get drenched on for three months in the kind of weather that causes rippling, recurring ligament damage...and then have a hot fucking sun beat down on them and their e-coli-clad pool of a lake that we can't go and hang out at anymore after 7 P.M. or it's a fine.

Fine by me, shit. My momma has a sundeck.

-------------------------------------------

The Ravens go down pretty easily to Peyton Manning and company.

Earlier in the year, Tony Dungy's son had committed suicide.

Tony Dungy had officially gone through more then anyone in the history of time.

His team would treat the situation like Detroit treated the fall of Mike Utley. brutalizing the Steelers and Ravens on the way to a home matchup in the AFC Championship game.

Their opponents...the New England Patriots of course.

The Patriots, like the Colts, had a pretty shitty end to the season.

The Patriots had to beat a Chargers team in San Diego that was coached by Marty Schottenheimer.

For Marty had taken Ladanian Tomlinson and Philip Rivers to a 14-2 record.

And a 21-13 lead with five minutes to play.

Fuckin Brady then...was impeccable.

They tied it up, got the two, then Samuel intercepted it, and Brady drove down the field and got them a field goal with 1 minute left.

Poor Marty.

So the Patriots go into the RCA Dome and go up 21-3 because when Manning throws a pick, it costs his team BIG.

The Patriots, like all Colts offenses, take advantage of every single turnover.

Everything always becomes points.

Sometimes instantly.

But the Colts storm back.

Their linebackers are suddenly in a New York Giant situation against the West Coast, and Tom Brady is more then willing to throw past them.

So they simply back up.

INTERCEPTION.

INTERCEPTION.

FUCK YOU INTERCEPTION!!!!

And Manning and Addai just hit those holes and find Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne.

The Colts come all the way back and win.

They're going to Superbowl.

---------------------

The Bears would squeak by the defending NFC champions because Hasselback throws picks.

Speaking of guys with hot, famous tail for wives who probably distracted them with their sex the morning of...

Seattle had gotten to this divisional playoff game by beating Tony Romo.

Romo in his fourth year had become Dallas's full time quarterback. He was pretty good...

Of course Romo's with Jessica Simpson, which makes one happy about three things.

1) She fucked Orlando Bloom last summer, according to the internet

2) She's doing Dwayne Wade now

3) Romo loses the game because he fumbles the snap on a field goal attempt.

PWWWWWWW.

My dick's bigger.

----------------------------------------------------------------

The Bears beat the Saints who we'll talk about soon.

They go into the Superbowl where Grossman has been dragged and nursed all the way in.

Grossman literally does very little to get them there, after doing everything the previous three seasons.

There was probably no starting quarterback in a Superbowl that a whole city was more against.

Hester puts the Bears up immediately by returning the opening kickoff for a touchdown.

The Colts, led by Dee-Dee-Dee, have to kick a whole mess of field goals.

It's 9-7 Colts and then 16-14 going into the half.

But the Bears will suddenly screw up all day, and all the Colts have to do is stand in the way of the recievers, and collect a football that the center can't handle.

It was so FUCKING IRRITATING.

Interception, fumble, interception, interception.

Peyton Manning finally doesn't lose a championship.

I can't say he won...but I can definitely say he didn't lose.

And the entire state of Indiana, south of about West Lafayette...rejoiced in the streets.

And were careful not to step in the horse crap.

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