How to be The Most-Hated Fisherman in Your Fishing Club
Ahhh, fishing: the peaceful life
Most everyone in the United States and the world knows about fishing. Fishing is the world's oldest activity. Fishing was here before golf, soccer, football, baseball, and curling.
Fishing is enjoyed by people of all ages, colors, shapes, sizes, and national origins. But fact is, not everyone can be a successful fisherman, or to be politically-correct, fisherperson.
This fishing pro is fly fishing
Before I teach you how to be the Most-Hated Fisherman
in your fishing club, allow me to take you on a typical American fishing trip. Then you may see why I am going to teach you how to "shake things up," when you go from "Humble Hal," to "Troublesome Tom," in only one fishing trip. And I promise you that you will feel more alive than anytime you have went on those long and boring company sales seminars.
First, a fishing trip is planned for any given Saturday by your buddies at work on a Wednesday. They say they will pick you up at 6 a.m. sharp on Saturday to head to the nearest lake to have a good time relaxing while catching fish as fast as your hook hits the water. This is the promise they make to you, a man who hasn't went on too many fishing trips.
Second, just as your buddies said, they are at your home at 6 a.m. sharp to pick you up. You are barely-awake. You grab a hot cup of black coffee as you get in the Crew Cab pickup truck with your fishing buddies for a grand day at the lake.
Third, it doesn't take long for the newness of this trip to wear off. You are fighting sleep as the time is now 6:45 a.m. Through the week you are still sleeping before you get up to shower before you go to work. Birds are singing. Your buddies are talking quietly and grunting their "yes's" and "no's" as to not scare the fish. Any expert fisherman knows in order to catch fish, you have to talk softly.
Fourth, you cannot take it anymore. The lack of fish biting, mosquitoes, you needing sleep, your buddies catching more fish than they snag on "Deadliest Catch" on Discovery Channel, and you are bored out of your head. So bored that you would love to see a sea monster raise it's ugly head and growl at your buddies.
This is what I was talking about. Boredom, which is as lethal as going wild on bad liquor and streaking (naked) through your church parking lot.
Now as I promised
"Ways to be The Most-Hated Fisherman in Your Fishing Club":
- On any-given fishing trip with two or more of your fishing buddies, you wait for just the right time and then run as fast as you can and dive into both of them and you three hit the water with a huge splash. They will be upset for sure at your foolish act. You will no longer be invited to go with these two "wet blankets," on any of their fishing trips.
- When two other fishing buddies finally allow you to go with them on a fishing trip, you do something just as foolish. You secretly bring along your bullhorn you bought at Radio Shack and just when the two buddies are getting bites, you start broadcasting, "Get out of here!" As loud as the bullhorn can sound. The fish will stop biting. And these two buddies will be referred to from now on as ex-buddies.
- Lay back to yourself and find a few rocks to toss in the water without being seen. Your only fishing buddy that you have left will be suckered into thinking some big fish are jumping and stay all day wasting his bat as you laugh yourself to sleep in the soft grass where you have been pretending to fish.
- At the next meeting of your fishing club, you have to be allowed to attend since you are the only one whose dues are never late, you stand and ask for forgiveness from the club. They agree to give you one more chance. So begins a new campaign to be "The Most-Hated Fisherman in Your Fishing Club."
- On this trip you and one fishing buddy take to the lake in a nice boat to see if you can land some "monster-size" fish. You slip some sleeping pills into your buddy's Seven-Up and soon he is fast asleep. Then take your time and with your sharp Buck knife, cut a hole into the bottom of the boat. When the water starts spewing inside the boat, wake your buddy and watch his face turn to terror as he tries to stop the leak while you keep yelling, "Help! We cannot swim!" Help!" Then stand in the boat and get it to rocking back and forth. You and your buddy will soon be in the lake as you look at him and say, "What did you do?" Oh he is going to hurt you when you get back to shore.
- Go alone on a fake fishing trip and find some strangers who love to fish. You get upstream from these men who do not see you. When you settle-in, inflate the rubber sea serpent you brought with you and let it go. Watch these strangers jump in fear as this awful-looking sea serpent comes floating down the stream near their lines. You film the entire thing with your cell phone to show your wife and kids when you get home.
- At your next fishing club meeting, announce to the membership that you have some sad news. As treasurer, you are $50.00 short in the petty cash. Members start mumbling and asking who could have taken this cash. You act heartbroken and shed a fake tear as you point to "Ned Ballard," the oldest member and ask the club president to have "Ned" empty his coat pockets. When "Ned" stops cursing, and empties his coat pockets, there the members will see the $50.00 in cash that you planted there before the meeting began. So long, "Ned," this fishing club is just for honest fishermen.
- When things settle back down, you and three club members go on a three-day weekend camping and fishing trip. When you are with your buddies near the water the next day, you take out a pistol and start firing it in the water. You scare your buddies who are afraid of guns. You grin that evil grin and say, "I just wanted to fish the easy way. Now you three hop in the water and get those nice fish!"
- The next morning on this same trip, one of your buddies' pretty wife shows-up with her husband's new rod and reel that he forgot. Now is your chance to be even more-hated. You start flirting with the hot wife in front of her husband who grows angry but is afraid to fight. You even put your arm around her and invite her inside the tent to let you give her a shoulder massage. Finally, her angry husband storms at you with fists ready to fight and you say, "Hold on, old timer! She wasn't protesting was she?" And walk away winking at her.
- Well, my friend. Your nasty and underhanded work paid off. At the next fishing club meeting . . .
you are banned for life from the fishing club; you are made to pay back the $50.00 from petty cash that really wasn't stolen and turn-in your club patch that all members get to wear, but your wife has made for you the manliest patch ever that says . . .
"The Most-Hated Fisherman in My Ex-Fishing Club."
Retro Fishing Moment
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