MEET TWO MORE AUERBACH ALWAYS BEAT-- History of the NBA Finals Part 11

1960

For a while after this, it will be Lakers vs. Celtics.

We will discuss these motherf*ckers to the death, because this is a rivalry that is bigger then sports.

Everybody loves...Lakers vs. Celtics.

The pressure thus, is on.

And thus I will make sure that I don't attempt anything that f*cking stupid.

I will start by introducing all the players in this so we're not confused.

We will in fact get to actual ball in these next ten hubs.

I want you to feel the essence of this magnificent, hallowed rivalry.

Long ago they made a film called "Gods and Generals" that lots of people thought was bullsh*t.

Why?

Because, this sequel to "Gettysburg"...very very clearly seemed to love the South.

Black folks in the house actually give a sh*t when the Confederates go off, and are speaking with resounding background music the Confederate version of what freedom means.

It was ballsy.

However...

All the filmmakers were trying to do in this case, INITIALLY...was have a shout-out to Civil War figurines.

They wanted to see the Civil War...like a collective baseball card collection.

All they're trying to do...is get them all.

Surely at some point, somebody intervened and tried to make it more Confederate friendly as long as they were going so far as to salute their heroes.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

So it's one of the truly dismissive Civil War pieces ever.

Now "Glory"? That was MY f*ckin' movie.

I loved "Glory" in and out.

You could love that movie even if you had rampant ADD.

So in the spirit of the movie "Glory", we are going to attack the Civil War...as if every player is a god and a general.

No matter what side you're on, Lakers or Celtics, the idea here is to celebrate the majesty of the moment.

The millions of spiraling emotions all thrown together in one lump of f*ck.

Where no matter what...you were dealing, ladies and gentlemen...with BRAVE AMERICAN BOYS.

---------------------------------------------

The story of Lakers vs. Celtics starts here.

Our last player will join the party.

First off, let's meet the coaches.

Red Auerbach for Boston...hell, let's pretend somebody's playing him...Donald Sutherland.

Then there's Fred Schaus for Los Angeles, the young guy who was jockier then Red, who was a West Virginia goldenboy in the late 40s, and was then their coach up until this very season when he joins the Laker franchise.

Dennis Quaid.

Alright, so...now we got the centers.

There's Bill Russell, and in about ten years but we'll talk about him a bit -- Wilt Chamberlain.

F*ck it I think Samuel L. Jackson would play an ASTOUNDING Wilt Chamberlain.

And Bill Russell...shit...I think Bill Cosby. TRUST ME. LAUGH YOUR ASSES OFF. TRUST ME. Dye his hair and just have him jump straight up and down. Old legs can do it. And get the laugh right too. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA like Russell does it. 

Alright, we'll think of more as they come to us. And to aide us, let's see how Red Auerbach does in fact manage to build things his own way.

1950 there's Cousy.

1951 there's Sharman.

1954 there's Frank Ramsey.

1955 Loscutoff the power forward.

1956 Heinsohn and Russell

1957 Sam Jones

1958 K.C. Jones and Gene Conley

1960 Tom Sanders.

On the Lakers it gets a bit tedious and you'll see why...

Don't worry. They'll get their asses kissed, and so will those Magic Johnson Lakers.

Meanwhile on the Lakers...

The centers were Ray Felix and Gary Alcorn.

The forwards were Ron Johnson (power), and then Elgin Baylor at 6'5 and Frank Selvy at 6'3'' from Indiana.

The guards were Hot Rod Hundley and Slick Leonard.

I've never heard of half these people, have you?

Precisely.

For Elgin Baylor would have a teammate. Brand new, and custom-drafted by his former coach at West Virginia, who had just lost 71-70 in the national championship game to California together...

Jerry West.

Who could play West? I'm sure I'll think of stuff later.

--------------------------------------

West and Oscar Robertson enter here.

Oscar goes to Cincinnati which suffers, while West joins Hundley, the other West Virginia guy.

So the Lakers will go 36-43 but it's still good enough for second place behind Kerner.

Minneapolis moved to L.A., did I mention this?

For the Lakers were about to be hit by Los Angeles-idis.

Since I've been to L.A., I've been in love with it.

It's why I write all the time for free like this.

Holy damn do I want to be able to live in L.A. comfortably.

And this will illustrate my next point --

To work in New York, to work in Chicago, to work in Baltimore,

to work in Phoenix...

to work in New Jersey, to work in Newfoundland...makes sense and is good for you.

Los Angeles is for retiring. NOT FOR WORKING.

For it is not worth going out there to the most wonderful place I've ever seen...to have to be on the f*cking road with all those jackholes to go to work.

You think I give a f*ck if it's perpetually like going to your college class on a fine spring or summer day?

And hell...all I'm bitching about is the idea of driving around.

I don't have to keep in perfect physical shape like the Minneapolis Lakers upon their first arrival in a city that is SWEET.

Los Angeles from the top of a four story hotel resembles Hawaii.

It is BEEEEAUTIFUL.

Hills.

Ocean.

Mountains.

Ladies. 

OOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!

I got fatter in Los Angeles then I ever did in New York or Chicago.

And that is word.

For the next ten years you will see the dynamic that brought down the Buffalo Bills.

You got them at the Superbowl. Most of the team doesn't even think they're gonna win, so they go and have fun with paradise.

This dynamic is what Los Angeles is based on.

Just because the odds are against you...doesn't mean ANYBODY plans to go home.

Elgin Baylor becomes Walter Mattheau in "I Ought To Be In Pictures" (1982)

Observe, for this is what happens to the Lakers during this run.

Mattheau's a screenwriter who goes to the dog track all the time.

His daughter who's visiting him asks -- why don't you try to pitch some movies?

He says -- I make a fine living with the dog races.

See?

The odds against him...and there's TOO MANY OTHER VENUES OF TEMPTATION OPEN THAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE PUT THERE TO SNARE ALL THE MILLIONS OF WASHED UP DREAMERS THAT HAVE BEEN SPIT OUT.

Now the great thing is that this is mostly actors I'm talking about. Actresses ESPECIALLY.

Screenwriters and authors get better with time, so how the f*ck can we ever become over-the-hill is all I'm saying. It's not like looks.

But this is what happens to the Lakers.

Amazingly, later in the decade, they would assume that getting Wilt Chamberlain would solve all their problems.

Who the f*ck would enjoy Los Angeles more then Wilt McMahon?

The punky center?

So I'm beating this dynamic to death. Have you been to L.A.? There is a store you want to visit next to another next to another...this goes on for almost 500000 square miles.

How many flash-in-the-pan schemers...lord.

But anyway...this is a benefit of having Boston's strict colonial religious structure...and winters...and oboe.

Cobblestones to walk on will drastically cut down the amount of hot Harvard hoes who wear heels...there-by the rest of the boys can get to work on their studies.

I wonder how many Father O'Herlys who taught junior league basketball with those dark brown cow skin balls must have loved what they were seeing happen at Boston Garden.

These Celtics were a machine.

The final four in 1961 featured Boston and Syracuse....and then St. Louis vs. Los Angeles.

Boston won in 5, and the Hawks just BARELY held off the Lakers.

105-103 the final in Game 7.

And so it was Auerbach vs. Kerner again.

Auerbach led the rivalry 2-1.

And after five games, it would be 3-1.

Basketball's best in 1961.

The Boston Celtics were the NBA World Champions.

I always love saying that. For I am a Boston Celtics man and always will be.

AUERBACH TITLE-O-METER = 4

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