I Want My Own Cologne

I'm upset. Disgusted . . .

because I want my own manly-cologne. No one will listen to me. I have written countless letters. Sent thousands of e-mails. No one will read my pleas to produce a personal cologne just for me. This is what upsets me. Disgusts me to the point of biting a nail into. Other men (and women) have their own cologne, so why not me? Is that too much to ask? Tell me. And I will either shut my mouth, shut off my computer or just become more of a hermit than I am now.

You might argue, "Kenneth, the people who have their own line of celebrity colognes are famous people," to that I say, so what? I don't care. Celebrities are people. Flesh and blood just like you and I. What makes these celebrities such as Michael Jordan, Tim McGraw, Donald Trump and more, better and you or I? Tell me right now. Put me out of my mental anguish. Misery. Torment. I am so tired of us as a society, looking up to celebrities as if they were immortal gods that can change the universe with a wink. And the pedestals we these celebrities on are just too high for me to appreciate. Do these celebrities not eat, sleep, make mistakes just like us? Huh? I didn't hear you. Sure they do. These celebrated-people are mortal. Fallible. Prone to making mistakes just like us, but yet, on top of the clamoring for their movies, CD's, books and clothing, they are given their own line of colognes. What next, their own line of bathroom tissue? I can just see the $100-million-dollar television ad campaign selling us Tim McGraw's new and improved bathroom tissue. McGraw (in pure silk bathrobe) steps out of his two-story bathroom with silver commodes, looks into the camera and says, "Tim McGraw bathroom tissue . . .rubs you the right way," and the commercial ends. Yeah, I would buy a 12-pack right away just because of this ad.

In the short time you have known me, have I ever asked for a lot? The only big thing I have ever asked was selling the bald space on my head to some multi-national corporation for $100,000 a year. That's all. Oh by the way, no response yet. I am a simple man. From simple beginnings. And still live in simple surroundings with simple home fixtures--stove, refrigerator, sink, one bathroom, three bedrooms, a carport and a nice front lawn. I am not a 'glory hog.' I hate being the center of attention, but enough rolling over and playing dead is enough. I am tired of being a nobody. All the celebrities who have their own cologne lines were once in my shoes. Nobodies. Not having two nickels to rub together, but look at them today. And I admit. They all worked their behinds raw getting to the famous level of life where they are now. I am not arguing that. The cockle burr underneath my saddle is why cannot average guys like me have their own colognes?

What would be the harm in average men like me having colognes with our names on the bottle? I cannot think of any. It's just a matter of who you are, not what you are. I wonder if Jesus Christ, if He were on earth, could get His own line of colognes? I bet not. The ranks of the famous are tight. Impenetrable. Inclusive. Members only (remember that cologne and jacket?). And not fair to the masses of citizens in the United States and Europe who long to have their own colognes. So to play the part of sixties militant political activist and speaker, Jerry Rubin, get out your name-brand credit cards, meet me at the nearest Macy's and burn your credit cards! Yeah, show the man, well, the cologne-producing celebrities that we average men mean business. And girls, yeah, you. You can join in by burning your bra's, that will show these cologne tyrants who have brought unwanted oppression to us, the ones who suffer daily in an obscure shell of a lifestyle. These cologne celebrities must listen to us. We number in the hundreds.

Why must I, Kenneth Avery, have my own cologne? Well, frankly, I am tired of Old Spice Endurance, AXE, Right Guard and some generic stuff I bought on sale that smells lot like a funeral home. I do not have anything at all against Old Spice, Stetson, AXE, Right Guard or other deodorants and men's colognes, but I want my own line of cologne. Is that too hard to get your head around, corporate America?

Reasons why I need my own cologne . . .

1. PROUCTION WOULD BE NOMINAL. LOW. CHEAP IF YOU WILL. I would not ask for a fancy bottle, just a can with my photo of me smiling on the label giving the 'thumbs up' signal. You see. My cologne would save money and give people jobs. It's a smell-smell situation.

2. IT'S HIGH-TIME FOR A NEW MAN TO BE introduced into mainstream America as the next celebrity. Me. But, Kenneth, you don't sing, dance, act, or appear in soap opera's, you say. Why should I? I am as valuable as these celebrities who sell CD's, shirts, cars and shoes. So why not me? I can smile like Michael Jordan. Laugh like Donald Trump. And hum a tune like Tim McGraw. I do not think it takes years of paying dues to become a celebrity. That is just a myth that was made up in early Hollywood by early film and television stars to keep people like you and I out of the social circle of fame. I am right. If you and I were to, right now, meet any of the celebrities I have mentioned in this story, they would stand still. Look aloof. And wait for you and I to gush, "Oh, you are my favorite celebrity. I have all of your underwear," while they continue to 'act' thankful--looking like their eyes are hurt by the flashes of cameras as they stand on the Red Carpet. Bunk! I am bowing to no one. Celebrities included.

3. MY COLOGNE WOULD SELL INSTANTLY just out of sheer vanity of men who, out of curosity, want to smell just like me. It's in all human beings. We have just got to be aligned with famous people one way or another.

4. MY COLOGNE WOULD NOT COST A FORTUNE in my convenient, 2-liter plastic bottle, I say it would cost roughly around $1.89 per bottle. And my cologne in this size would last any man months and months. And the men who use my cologne would be saving money and that is a must in today's economy. I am not in this just for myself, but for American men.

5. I WOULD DONATE 5% of daily sales of my cologne to the unemployed of our country whose unemployment benefits have ran out thanks to the Federal Government. And I would hire out-of-work engineers who used to work for other cologne companies to work for me--producing an affordable line of men's cologne that gives a man back his pride. Honor. And dignity.

6. WOMEN WOULD BE ABLE to splash-on a few drops of my cologne is she is in a hurry to go pay a bill or go to the market. My cologne is for men, but a woman can smell great also when she uses it. See? I am thinking of the ladies too.

7. I WOULD WORK WITH BUDWEISER and all the major beer companies to let me ship my cologne on their beer trucks and save my stockholders a ton of money on truck leasing and licensing. Bud would love to have my photo giving the 'thumbs up' symbol to people as the beer truck passes by on its way to a nearby market or liquor store to unload beer and a few bottles of my cologne.

Suggested names for my cologne

Since I live in the south, then the name of my cologne should reflect my surroundings and area of the world where I live. So I have thought of these catchy-names for my cologne, which are not carved in granite, and can be changed when my line of cologne is introduced.

1. TIDE - named for our University of Alabama, Crimson Tide football team.

2. FUR - named for our many species of wildlife--deer, rabbit, raccoon.

3. CAMPFIRE - for the number one hobby we have besides cheering for the Crimson Tide.

4. CHICK MAGNET - named for why I, and all men, want to smell manly.

5. MUDDER - is what most guys do with their buddies and girlfriends. Ride in mud with their powerful 4x4's and yell, "We love Mudder cologne!"

6. SIZZLE - named for our favorite time of the week: Saturday morning--bacon sizzling in the pan, eggs frying and coffee brewing. This one has possibilities.

7. BACK OFF - what we say to busy bodies in the south and what my cologne says to body odor, back off.

I'm completely, without any regard for my own life or limb, serious about producing my own cologne. And with your help, I think it would fly. I am talking to all men and women, not necessarily in the south, but why can't we make someone, namely yours truly, the 'talk of the town,' coming from obscurity to being a household, well, bathroom word in cologne names.

If this idea works, I promise you that my sudden-fame and fortune will not change me in the least. I will be giving away most of my fortunes to my friends and deserving strangers. I would give as much as I have been given.

And according to my gut, that will be a lot.