What Sort Of Panties Did Jesus Wear? WSOPDJW?

If Jesus was a man in panties (and there seems to be no canonical evidence that he was not, which is all the grounds we need to assume that he was – that's how science works), what sort of panties did he wear?

Did Jesus Wear A Thong?

Palestine was (and is) a rather hot region, so we can assume that Jesus did not wear a thong. In hot weather, thongs become little more than sweat transfer devices, chafing the buttocks and causing nasty rashes. We must also take into account that there may have been a few stray dinosaurs running about the place at that time (Jesus lived a long time ago, just like the dinosaurs), and the last thing you need when you're running from a T-Rex or a mob carrying bits of a tree is to have a thin string riding up between the buttocks.

Did Jesus Wear Frilly Panties?

Frilly panties are a possibility. The frills would not only have added much deserved ornamentation to the savior's panties, but they may have provided additional padding when sitting on rocks or jagged tree stumps. Frilly panties also help to make a robe flow nicely around one's derrière, creating a more impressive outline whilst traipsing over the nearest body of water.

Did Jesus Wear Pantaloons?

Pantaloons, the panties of choice for people who would like to pretend that they have no genitalia, favored by the people of the Victorian era. Pantaloons are certainly a humble garment, and aside from being the son of the big G, Jesus was well known for his humility. Pantaloons are also handy for tearing strips off of should one need to bandage a beggar's wounds, and we must assume that miracle healing wasn't always an option. (Connection issues, miracle server down time, heavenly HTTP errors, you all know how that is.)

Conclusion: Inconclusive

Without access to Jesus' panty drawer, performing analysis has been difficult. In truth, we can only speculate as to the preferred lingerie of the lamb of God.

We might never know what kind of panties Jesus wore. Unfortunately most of the Gospels are concerned with love and caring for one's fellow men and then the general suckery of being nailed to a tree to get down to the nitty gritty about what he happened to be wearing most days.

It's possible that Jesus didn't wear panties, maybe he went commando. Whatever he wore, you can be sure that he did not mind what panties other men wore, and that he would have encouraged hand washing of delicate fabrics to prolong their lives.

Jesus may have risen from the tomb, but you can bet that you won't be able to resurrect silk panties that have gone through a hot wash. And that, I believe, is what you call the moral of the story.

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Comments 6 comments

ILoveLingerie 8 years ago

Haha, that is a funny article. Could be a bit offensive to some religious people though.

Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 8 years ago

Cute Hub Hope!!

From my religious training, I suspect Jesus went commando, as most people did at that time!!

Personally, I find commando the most freeing and most healthy!! The body needs to breathe!!

Thanks for sharing the humorous side!!

Blessings always, EarthAngel!!

C.S.Alexis profile image

C.S.Alexis 8 years ago from NW Indiana

This was cute, you made me smile a few times here. Nice hub and good to see some moral with it.

EYEAM4ANARCHY profile image

EYEAM4ANARCHY 8 years ago from Las Vegas, NV.


Jesus came to free mankind.

GoneNylon 8 years ago

Much as it grieves me, I, too, must go with the commando crowd. The people of that region weren't known for their hygiene and anything that impeded "stop-drop-and-plop" probably wouldn't have made the grade.

It is worth noting, however, that there was a group of killer queens during the era, known as the "sicarii." These were Hebrew terrorists who dressed as women in order to get close enough to kill occupying Roman soldiers. I'm guessing they girded their loins with something entirely different. Drag queens openly carrying swords would've been noticeable even then, so they needed a nice place to tuck the shiv. What better place than beneath one's robes and in one's dainties?

Hope, I've a suspicion this hub will generate quite a little buzz, with no small amount of righteous indignation. Folks seem all too willing to forget the human side of Jesus. The shortest verse in the New Testament is "Jesus wept." It might be more helpful if it was "Jesus peed."

Mikki 8 years ago

Hmmm... while the temptation is there to go with the commando crowd, I postulate that your first example was closer to the truth, but I suspect He wore a garment very close to a string bikini... sometimes called a breech cloth or breechclout. These garments were typically made of softend leather and were often decorated with personal symbols or other markings to improve ones standing with the gods of fertility.

Men of that era frequently dressed in robes or togas when lying about home, camp or the temple but for work, hunting or traipsing around the desert would always gird their loins for support and comfort. Dashing about after game, one's enemies or any activity where running or climbing might be involved causes quite a bit of "boy bounce" and is not very comfy. I think you will find plenty of examples in historical studies that show males from simple tribesmen to Imperial Roman Centurions went pretty much naked except for the sling pouch used to cradle the jewels.

So I opt for the basic string bikini style - I like mine with cute hearts and lace trim :-)

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