What Sort Of Panties Did Jesus Wear? WSOPDJW?
If Jesus was a man in panties (and there seems to be no canonical evidence that he was not, which is all the grounds we need to assume that he was – that's how science works), what sort of panties did he wear?
Did Jesus Wear A Thong?
Palestine was (and is) a rather hot region, so we can assume that Jesus did not wear a thong. In hot weather, thongs become little more than sweat transfer devices, chafing the buttocks and causing nasty rashes. We must also take into account that there may have been a few stray dinosaurs running about the place at that time (Jesus lived a long time ago, just like the dinosaurs), and the last thing you need when you're running from a T-Rex or a mob carrying bits of a tree is to have a thin string riding up between the buttocks.
Did Jesus Wear Frilly Panties?
Frilly panties are a possibility. The frills would not only have added much deserved ornamentation to the savior's panties, but they may have provided additional padding when sitting on rocks or jagged tree stumps. Frilly panties also help to make a robe flow nicely around one's derrière, creating a more impressive outline whilst traipsing over the nearest body of water.
Did Jesus Wear Pantaloons?
Pantaloons, the panties of choice for people who would like to pretend that they have no genitalia, favored by the people of the Victorian era. Pantaloons are certainly a humble garment, and aside from being the son of the big G, Jesus was well known for his humility. Pantaloons are also handy for tearing strips off of should one need to bandage a beggar's wounds, and we must assume that miracle healing wasn't always an option. (Connection issues, miracle server down time, heavenly HTTP errors, you all know how that is.)
Conclusion: Inconclusive
Without access to Jesus' panty drawer, performing analysis has been difficult. In truth, we can only speculate as to the preferred lingerie of the lamb of God.
We might never know what kind of panties Jesus wore. Unfortunately most of the Gospels are concerned with love and caring for one's fellow men and then the general suckery of being nailed to a tree to get down to the nitty gritty about what he happened to be wearing most days.
It's possible that Jesus didn't wear panties, maybe he went commando. Whatever he wore, you can be sure that he did not mind what panties other men wore, and that he would have encouraged hand washing of delicate fabrics to prolong their lives.
Jesus may have risen from the tomb, but you can bet that you won't be able to resurrect silk panties that have gone through a hot wash. And that, I believe, is what you call the moral of the story.
