Attack of The Killer Cell Phones

(CNN) -- Radiation from cell phones can possibly cause cancer, according to the World Health Organization. The agency now lists mobile phone use in the same "carcinogenic hazard" category as lead, engine exhaust and chloroform.

Ahem, excuse me for a second...DUH!!!!!!!!

Sorry I had to get that out. I have been telling people for years that cell phones were dangerous, and no I wasn't referring to texting while driving. I was talking about CANCER! Think about it, you have a damn near 10inch screen up against your head that is capable of accessing the internet, playing movies and TV shows, texting, and wireless communication between you and other phones across the whole damn world. Do people actually think this is harmless? Eh, probably the idiots, but after you get past them you're left with people who don't care, and people like me who do care and although we try to prevent mass usage we cannot simply stop all usage. Let's see what else the experts said.

A foreword:

In quotations are excerpts from a CNN.com article Titled "WHO: cell phone can increase possible cancer risk." It was written by Danielle Dellorto. The article information and link will be provided at the bottom of this hub..

"A team of 31 scientists from 14 countries, including the United States, found enough evidence to suggest that exposure to prolonged cell phone usage is a "possibly carcinogenic to humans."

Okay so they think cell phones are causing cancer, but we have to wait until we catch the cancer before their theory can be confirmed. Isn't this why we have lab rats? I would have thought that a more conclusive study was already going on, guess the scientists were too busy changing their Facebook status on their CELLPHONES. Please, continue:

"One scientist compares a cell phone to a mini microwave and even says that while using a cell phone, you are actually, "cooking your brain."

We're gonna die!!! That scientist just said that cell phones are "essentially cooking the brain." NO, this can't be true! Not my trusty cell phone, no way. Let's see what the cell phone providers have to say, we should be able to trust them right?

"The Wireless industry made a statement the same day this report came out saying that, it "does not mean cell phones cause cancer."

See look at that! The people who make money off of us buying and using cell phones, suggest that they don't cause cancer, so there. Wait, does it matter that they stand to lose money if these claims of cancer are true? Nah, we can trust them. (I'm being sarcastic, you can not, you can not trust them)

More..

"The European Environmental Agency has pushed for more studies, saying cell phones could be as big a public health risk as smoking, asbestos and leaded gasoline. The head of a prominent cancer-research institute at the University of Pittsburgh sent a memo to all employees urging them to limit cell phone use because of a possible risk of cancer." (Dellorto, CNN.com)

Oh no, does this mean Mayor Bloomberg is going to make it illegal to "cell" in public places, similar to smoking? Should we be afraid of second hand "cell?" I'm scared mommy.

More...

"I think it is a good idea to give the public some sort of warning that long-term exposure to radiation from your cell phone could possibly cause cancer," said Dr. Henry Lai, research professor in bioengineering at University of Washington who has studied radiation for more than 30 years." (Dellorto, CNN.com)

"Manufacturers of many popular cell phones already warn consumers to keep their device away from their body."

"The Apple iPhone 4 safety manual says users' radiation exposure should not exceed FCC guidelines: "When using iPhone near your body for voice calls or for wireless data transmission over a cellular network, keep iPhone at least 15 millimeters (5/8 inch) away from the body." (Dellorto, CNN.com)

Wow, I guess it helps to read the fine print instead of walking to the store in a hypnotic daze, buying the newest cell phone, ripping the handset out of the box, and drooling over it's new features. Who reads the paper with the big 'Warning' title on it anyway? That's not cool.

Why stop at cell phones, there are other things around us that we use on a daily basis that give off plenty radiation. So let's be fair to the cell phone companies right now and point out some of the other cancer causing culprits are out there:

For fun I gave every device that gives off radiation in my home a level rating from 1-10, with level 1 being something you could probably ignore and level 10 meaning WE'RE GONNA DIE!

Microwave: I actually think I have felt cancer trying to enter my body while standing in front of one of these while it was running. That article from earlier consisted of the word 'microwave' more times than I would have liked, this is probably a level 5 cancer causer in my house because I try to only use it for warming food and not cooking food.

Big Screen TV: I am pretty sure everyone has at least one of these in their homes. If you stand on line at 3am in the morning on Black Friday you can probably get on for real cheap. The sad thing is no matter how much you paid for yours you might end up paying the highest price possible in the end..your life. I am not a scientist but I am pretty sure anything with a screen that big and bright has to be giving off a lot of radiation. I have a friend of mine who has so many TV's in his house that it looks like the freaking Batcave, I warned him he doesn't care. Luckily for me I hardly use the one I do have. This is mainly because there's nothing on TV anyway, besides crappy reality shows about people I couldn't care less about. When I do use it I am usually watching a movie for a few hours. For me this is a level 4 cancer causer in my house.

Bluetooth ear piece: I stopped using these because they were giving me ear aches and headaches. There is definitely something going on with those things, and that really sucks if you ask me. While trying not to put the big cell phone screen up to your face you end up putting something that is possibly worse in your ear. So for me this is a level 1 in my house.

Computer: Well let's see. I have been on here how long just putting this hub together? Yea this is probably a level 8 or 9 for me. It doesn't help that the screen is kind of big either. I try to stay off as much as possible but there's so much but I like to write and research so, until I stop writing and surfing the net so much or I figure out a safer way to be in front of this screen so much I am in radiation city baby!

Listen I am just your average idiot typing his opinions onto a radiation supplying (allegedly), cancer causing (allegedly), computer screen that uses radiation supplying (allegedly), cancer causing (allegedly), radio towers to deliver my crap to you, allegedly. I am not a trained scientist like the ones at the World Heath Organization, that today released an inconclusive theory suggesting a link between cell phones and cancer 38yrs. after the first cell phone was used.

I swear, you can't do anything these days without getting cancer. Anyway here's my advice:

1. Cook your freaking food in the oven instead of serving Hotpockets and Lean Cuisines all the time. Either that or just eat Mcdonalds everyday like most Americans do. The point here is, step away from the microwave.

2. Stop watching so much television, your parents were right it will turn your brain to mush, literally. Besides that, the only stuff worth watching is on HBO or Showtime and those shows only come on once a week. The rest of the cable channels are running narcissistic reality shows that if seen by an alien species would make our planet look like we have no intelligent life on it.

3. Use a wired ear piece instead of those annoying bluetooth ear pieces. This will help you in two ways; It will protect you from the more harmful radio waves, and it will keep you from looking like a crazy person who is talking to his or herself while out in public. In the car okay, while standing in the elevator waiting to get off on the top floor, annoying as hell.

4. I have heard of protectors you can put over your computer screen to block some of the radiation, that all the advice I have for that one. My computer is my friend, I apologize for my contradiction here. At least I am honest.

Danielle Dellorto. "WHO: cell phone can increase possible cancer risk." CNN.com. 31 May 2011. Web. 31 May 2011.

"First Cell Phone a True Brick" by The Associated Press