How to Keyword-Stuff Really Obviously

Keyword-stuffing, in case you didn't know, is the practice of putting repetitive keywords in your content (sometimes not even in the body of the content) incoherently and unnecessarily for the sole purpose of search engine optimization.

This doesn't really work anymore in its more pure form--just taking a bunch of random keywords and laying them all around the bottom of your page like a lunatic (Google doesn't like that)--but even today, there's a tendency to keyword "optimize" really obviously (to a human, anyway) and in a way that still makes me chuckle.

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, let's use an example, an extended metaphor if you will.

Let's say you're writing an essay or article on something popular and that would get you a lot of traffic if only you could rank for it. Let's say you're writing an article on the subject of, I don't know, "gorilla nipples."

Now, a lot can be said about this subject and you know that if you just attracted everyone who could possibly be searching on the subject, you'd make millions.


1 - First, find an excuse to repeat the subject of your article as many times as possible in as many ways as possible, even when it sounds totally awkward and redundant and unnecessary. Ex:

This is an article on gorilla nipples. Gorilla nipples are really important things to consider when trying to find the right set of gorilla nipples for that special someone in your life who is interested in gorilla nipples. (P.S.: gorilla nipples.)


2 - Go to a thesaurus and find synonyms of your keywords or related words, including common misspellings, just in case there are people searching for your subject in a differently-worded way; then, insert the nearly-synonymous keywords (and/or, shamelessly, the misspellings) into your article as repetitively and awkwardly as humanly possible, even going so far as putting them alongside your main keywords for an extra dose of redundancy. Make sure it's obvious you wrote for Google first, and human beings second. Ex:

If you are looking for information on primate gorilla nipple mammaries, then you are in the right place! Monkey gorilla breasts are the finest gorilla ape teats you could possibly consider purchasing.

Ape teat for gorilla nipple breast on primate mammary.
Ape teat for gorilla nipple breast on primate mammary.

3 - Use the synonymous keywords mentioned in 2 in ways that no human actually uses. Then caption photos with such awkward phrases, in ways that defy even normal grammatical structure and provide no coherent information about the specific thing being pictured. Ex:

4 - Talk keywords even in your comments section, answering any questions by just re-arranging things that were already said in the article, except in slightly different words, and hoping no one will notice. Write in such a way that if you were to talk to people the same way in real life, they'd think you had gone off the deep end or become a robot. Be spammy. Make people question whether you are man or machine.

5 - Above all, make sure people get as little value as possible in proportion to how much they read. Where most writing pursuits are all about efficiency, and using less to say more, this is the opposite. Have as much fluff as possible. Repeat the same things over and over, except a little different each time, so that only someone totally non-observant or someone with really severe short-term memory problems wouldn't notice. Make sure your article could have been half as long without missing anything.


...

I hope I rank for "gorilla nipples" because of this hub.

Since so many people are searching for that.


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Comments 4 comments

K9keystrokes profile image

K9keystrokes 6 years ago from Northern, California

Ummmm,...you didn't add 'gorilla nipples' to your tag word list...was this an oversight?

(P.S.: gorilla nipples.)

Love this hub!

K9


thehands profile image

thehands 6 years ago Author

Oh my gosh, you're right! How could I have not realized that? I'll fix it right away. Thank you, K9.


K9keystrokes profile image

K9keystrokes 6 years ago from Northern, California

LMAO!


Cara Stein profile image

Cara Stein 6 years ago from Huntsville, AL

This is hilarious. How much gorilla nipple traffic have you gotten so far?

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