I Want Wireless Phone Accessories

I want phone accessories. I have a new cell phone, but it's not enough. My phone does wonderful things like making and receiving voice calls and also playing Angry Birds. It works almost anywhere except under water and possibly not inside a volcano, but I have yet to test that feature.

My phone represents the epitome of hand-held technology. Apollo moon landings had less computing power. It's a perfect bundle of ergonomically correct hardware and software crammed into a convenient carrying case. My family and friends are insanely jealous.

Unfortunately, I am not satisfied. My cell phone needs accessories. It cries out for cases, chargers, screen covers, adapters, docking stations, cleansing cloths, high capacity batteries, and jewel-encrusted widgets. The quest for phone add-ons continues unabated. Join me as I trick out my hand-held communication device.

My phone is at risk. External forces bent on destruction bombard the case constantly and consistently. Dirt accumulates in the stylish nooks and crannies. Cultures of undiscovered fungus species thrive on the electromagnetic energy leaking from the circuitry. Gravity conspires with itself to pull my phone into the Earth at speeds sufficient to severely damage the case and everything inside it.

I need cushioning and fashionable cases. My case should sport appropriate amounts of bling while providing protection from unfettered plummets of up to 3 meters. The case should snap onto the phone with a satisfying and semi-permanent thunk but should still be removable by semi-skilled 12 year-olds.

My case must be specially designed for my specific model of phone. My phone has numerous external connectors that probably provide very important functionality: I may want to connect my phone to my blender at some point in the future.

My wireless phone travels with me as I expand my horizons beyond neighboring counties. To that end, I need chargers that provide crucial electrons to my crucial phone battery. I want to plug my phone into wall sockets throughout the civilized world. Any hotel, hostel, dormitory, or campground I visit must be compatible with my phone charger.

I need a multi-sided plug that adapts to any extant electricity supply. This plug should collapse into a compact contraption that fits easily into purse or pocket. The wires should retract to prevent tangling as I traverse glaciers or doze on a Trailways Bus.

My phone came with a screen. The screen represents high resolution technology resplendent in virtually infinite palettes of colors. Rainbows are jealous of my screen. Unfortunately, we live in a dangerous world. My screen might possibly sustain fatal scratches due to evil external forces. A stray fingernail or a rogue arc welder might mar the surface.

Screen covers are a moral imperative for my phone. I want a screen cover with the transparency properties of pure oxygen and the durability of stainless steel. My screen cover will apply easily and cling to my display like Oprah to a buffet. Not a spec of dirt or an iota of dust will come between the cover and the display. I want to be able to loan my phone to an un-manicured Velociraptor and be confident that my screen will be returned to me unscathed.

My phone has much to say. I want my phone to speak directly into my ears. My phone needs headphones connecting itself to myself. Headphones consist of a plug, a length of wire, and a matching pair of earhole-shaped gizmos: on this we can all agree.

My headphones will have an extremely cool name like Skull Candy or Brain Audio Injection or Ultra-Mega-Wholesale-Extreme HipHop Interface. Hopefully they will cost more than the actual phone. They will have a lifetime warranty against loss of coolness.

All my phone accessories, except the headphones, must be available at almost no cost to me. My phone case may originate in China, but I insist on free shipping to my neighborhood and doorstep delivery by a smiling driver in short pants.

The hunt for phone accessories continues. Never stop shopping. Buy stuff for your phone. You must choose, but choose wisely.