Bro Code. The Unbreakable Laws to Male Friendship

It's just plain uncomfortable when you see a guy cry. It's just depressing.

If a guy is crying, it means something REALLY bad has happened. Women could literally cry over seeing two fictional tv soap characters breaking up and we totally accept it. It seems to be a valid reason to cry for women in society. Personally I think this just shows the depths of what us men have to put up with and how we should be compensated for such constant pandering. I am only suggesting a weekly one hour massage plus a 5 star meal cooked in our honour, twice a week, regardless of the stress the kids have caused all week. But that is another issue.

Guys are not raised as cry babies...Ok some are. Especially the ones who are raised by their overprotective mother who denies their child access to their father. But generally, guys are raised to harden up and suck all those tears back into their tear ducts and pretend to be unaffected. So when I walk in and see a guy crying, I know something very serious has just happened.

You need to pay full attention when a man is crying.

If a woman is crying often it is just enough to pat her on the back and offer her some hot tea and some kind of cookie. Women crying is the same as men burping out loud. It's common and you don't need to be affected by it.

So when we are faced with one of our own bros crying over something that breaks the crying guy rule, ie, their dog or family member died, he risks also breaking bro code and being kicked out of the Bro Club.

So we need to give some serious thought as to what we can allow our bro's to cry about and get away with and on top of that, when to cry with them.

So the following are the common times it is ok to cry for a man.

• Another bro's funeral or IMMEDIATE family funeral.
• Loss of a dog (No crying over a cat in public).

However, if your bro insists on crying out of line, then as a good bro, you must be there with sympathy AND more importantly, solutions. To bring back some semblance of masculinity, all men must adhere to the rule:
- No talking about problems without actionable solutions being discussed.

Let's be clear, a man should not cry over losing his job or girlfriend, but it does happen and we need to make allowances for it.

This is where we implement some bro code to keep the sanity. Below are some times, both good and bad, where you can allow your bro to cry, along with solutions you should offer to end the crying immediately OR where you can share his tears.

- Your bro's wife leaves him for another man ending in his divorce

• SOLUTION - TAKE YOUR BRO TO A TITTY BAR AND THEN BOOK THE FIRST FLIGHT TO THAILAND TO LET OFF STEAM

- Your bro loses his job

• SOLUTION - TAKE YOUR BRO TO A TITTY BAR AND THEN BOOK THE FIRST FLIGHT TO THAILAND TO LET OFF STEAM

- Somebody crashes into your bro's prized car

• SOLUTION - ENSURE YOUR BRO HAS A RIDE TO WORK EVERY DAY. DROP HIM OFF AND PICK HIM UP. TAKE HIM TO THE CRASH REPAIRERS. SHARE THIS RESPONSIBILITY WITH YOUR OTHER BRO'S

- Your bro's dog dies.

• SOLUTION - SHED A TEAR WITH YOUR BRO. THE DOG WAS YOUR FAMILY TOO. THAT DOG, WHEN IT WAS A PUPPY PROBABLY ASSISTED YOUR BRO AND YOU IN PICKING UP SOME PHENOMENAL WOMEN IN THE PARK, SO SHOW YOUR RESPECT WITH A TEAR.
  
  THEN TAKE YOUR BRO TO THAILAND.

- Your bro welcomes his first child into the world

• SOLUTION - PAT YOUR BRO ON THE BACK HARD AND SAY, "WELL DONE MATE... YOU DID A GOOOOD JOB BRO. GREAT JOB. WELL DONE."..... EVEN THOUGH IT WAS HIS WIFE WHO SPENT THE LAST 48 HOURS IN AGONISING LABOR.

- Your bro cries over a soapie character dying.

• SOLUTION - FIND A NEW BRO.

Clearly, there are very few reasons why a bro should cry. But as all good bro's we must remember that none of us are perfect. And while your best bro should have more consideration than to put you through the discomfort of seeing him cry and forcing you to deal with it without seeming gay, a great bro will always handle these times with class.

Remember, next time you catch your bro crying, some serious Sh*t must have gone down. So pay attention.

"What the hell was I thinking doing this??"

My friend had dragged me to an Amway seminar and he was blatantly overt about what he was taking me to.

"Bro, I need you to sit next to Tamara and make me sound like a guru. Now, they say this seminar will go for an hour but that's bulls*t. The fact is it will probably drag out for three or four hours AND they will pull you aside at the end and try to get you to sign on as a rep. It'll be heavy, but I really like this chick and if you make me sound awesome, I have a great chance with her."

The things a Bro will do for his Bro.

It should be written in the Bro Book that no Bro will ever drag another Bro to an Amway seminar. It is probably written in there somewhere but no matter which page you read there will always be that disclaimer, "All bro's will do whatever possible to help his bro get the girl, no matter the cost."

Sometimes you just have to take one for the team. And so, like a great friend, I suited up, looking like a million dollars, espousing that, "Greed Is Good" look that worked so well for Michael Douglas as Gordon Ghecko.

Her name was Tammy and I suspected that I would not be inviting her to any barbeques anytime soon. But my bro said he was in luuuuuve.... and Tammy was in Amway. And if Tammy was in Amway, so was my bro. He relished the time each week he could see her and she legitimately loved hanging out with him, WHEN they were talking about Amway products, or the future of passive income and how it would free them both from the hard slog of a 'Just Over Broke' (J.O.B). But to this date, no sex talk or love talk....Mmmm... There is NO talking your way out of the friend zone. Action though can do wonders.

As we walked into the seminar centre, I felt as though I had walked into Disney, where everyone was just 'Fantabulous' and 'fun fun fun!!', except all the men were dressed as Men In Black and the women were dressed in high corporate gear. Strangely, the clothes they wore to the event did not at all match the cars they drove to the event in.

Dress for the Life You Want, Not For the Life You Have...right?

They slapped a name badge on me and I was welcomed into the fold. It was one of those moments where I felt totally loved and cherished. The loving, welcoming nature of people treating me with kid gloves, ensuring my seat was comfortable, that I wasn't thirsty and that I was excited and safe, actually gave me a good understanding of what it is like to be a five year old girl at a family Christmas party.

My bro, slid up to me, after shaking hands with his 'upline'. "Bro, thanks again for this. Remember what you need to say and what you need to express."

"Sure" I replied, "Adventurous leader of men. Kind of a superhero. And I really look up to you. You are my mentor. Got it."

He smiled, "Saweeet!'

Bro code....check.

I've probably put my friends through hell too. Actually, I have DEFINITELY asked way too much of my friends in the past. Time to repay or at least pay it forward.

We were all ushered into the theatre. As we scuttled in, my bro left my side, as per the plan. He pointed to Tammy and wished me luck. He couldn't be there as I talked him up. Doing that is bad strategy.

Innocently I walked over and shuffled past a few people where there was a spare spot next to the amazing Tammy.

"Do you mind if I sit here?"
NOTE TO SELF: Why do I never get nervous when it isn't my neck on the line? No fear here. I was confident.

Tammy smiled and said it was all fine. Mmmm... I could see what my bro saw in Tammy. Silky brown hair, slightly olive complexion, glistening eyes that were just made for catching a mans attention. And she was outgoing. I put it down to her being a natural salesperson. One bat of an eyelid and BOOM a mans cupboard would be full of Amyway washing powder.

"So, who brought you here tonight?" Tammy asked.

My turn to shine.... "My 'Bro' (not real name) invited me."

"Oh? Wow, he is in my downline."

"Oh really?...coincidence.....crazeeee....." I said uncomfortably, and then added, "What a guy. Seriously...what a guy."

Suddenly I forgot the high value stories I was to tell Tammy and so I winged it. What we practiced was realistic. I don't live in reality though. I live on planet Greg and seeing as though I was a total blank on what my bro wanted me to convey to Tammy, I was going to floor her with my bro's dazzling and imaginary life achievements.

"We were walking along a river and we saw these puppies drowning. Someone had thrown them in. I was too scared to go, but he jumped right in!"

Tammy was captivated. My bro was in.

"Can you imagine? He gave ALL of that money to charity? Pffft...no wonder he is still working for a living right?"

By the end of our chat, my friend looked like Superman in her eyes and I looked like the fumbling Jimmy Olsen. I only hoped that my bro could live up to my confident assessment of him as a demigod.

As swiftly as I had snuck into a seat next to Tammy, I was gone, like a ninja...I was prepared for a quick escape to the car...until I stepped out of the auditorium that is. Men in suits awaited us on our departure, smiling like mothers picking up the children from daycare.

"How was it? So super right?"

I had just been cornered. But I HAD seen it coming. I was not quick enough to get out unseen.

"Come over to this table with me. I imagine you have plenty of questions."

"Not really." I thought. But as per Bro Code, I had to stick through it.

Over the next 45 minutes I was taken through a very unique sales process and here is how it went:

Mr Men In Black drew a chart with only one split down the middle, titled A and B respectively.

On chart A he wrote, "Customers" and on B he wrote, "IBO's (Business Owners)"

Then he began the pitch, which was designed to corner me. Here is the ultra short, cut down version, bottled into one main sentence. But please imagine this dragging into almost an hour and feeling a hellish peer pressure to join as he tried to corner me at every angle.

"So A is for customers. Customers do save money yes. But do you want to save a little money, OR make A lot of money?"

ME: "A lot of money"

MIB: "That's what all the smart people say. Only the dumb people choose A. The intelligent people all choose B."

So, he had essentially called me stupid if I was to just be a customer.

FInally, he asked, "So, you have two choices. A or B?"

Pulling my last ounce strength back together I finally mustered the power to respond with, "Where is option C, None of the above?"

He was stumped. I felt as though he literally had NEVER had anyone ever say this to him. And he stuttered as somebody had completely wrecked his train of thought. It was open and shut to him, until he met me.

Within this space of time, one of the most painful 45 minutes I had to endure, on top of the already two hours I was forced to sit sleepily in the seminar room, which was all meant to be wrapped up in under an hour, my bro had made a date with Tammy.

To top it off, as I had not signed up, to show I was a very caring bro, I offered to buy some toothpaste from Tammy to support her business. Such a small token, my teeth stayed white and we lived happily ever after.

Finally after arriving home, I slumped down on my bed, still in my tight suit, completely drained of energy.

Be a good bro. Don't take a bro to a meeting like this.

We are forced to help you if a woman is involved as per the bro rules but please don't try to push the limits too often, as my bro did.

How do you know if your bro is a bro?

Well, often it begins with him hanging sh*t on you.

If your bro isn't taking the piss out of you, he is quite possibly not your bro. He is not what I call '"living on the 'nipple of friendship'". You see, while bro's do offer genuine compliments, they also offer a a crazy amount of laughs at your expense. But they do it with love in their heart (Bro love).

Just like all relationships, everyone is in their own zone. For example, if you are sleeping with a lass, you are right on her nipple. But it is temporary. You are as close as you can be to that 'circle of friendship', but I refer to that circle as a nipple. So if you are sleeping with a lady, she is right in the middle of your nipple of friendship.

If your bro is watching, and you're ok with it, he is right on the nipple. Or if he is waiting outside in the car for you to escape quickly, in case a husband comes home or she wants to spoon (Two valid reasons for your bro to wait out in the car with the engine running), then he is a very close friend indeed, right inside the nipple of friendship.

HOWEVER, if you tell your bro something you did and he judges you on it or shows that he is somehow looking down on you, he is outside the nipple, but still in the brown area, just circling the areola.

If your bro takes the fat chick off your hands while you kiss close the honey, he is dead centre on your nipple. He is taking one for the team.

But, if your bro negs you out around the girl you like and makes sarcastic comments because he is envious you have a chance with such an awesome woman, plus he makes you look bad in front of her, he is not only outside the nipple of friendship, but he is in the pit of belly button friendship. That is a deep void, hard to escape from.

Remember, a good bro gets you out of all girlfriend or wife drama's and will cover your ass whenever you need it and will only question you about it later.