Christareno, Christalicious, Christypalooza (christykaye)

I would simply love to have a nicey nice little blog...full of delectable recipes, the latest in Stick people art featured on the backs of top-o-the-line mini vans. oh,, how I wish that I could post endlessly about the roast I have simmering in the crock pot and the wonderful husband that makes me even more fabulous than I already am. Oh how i wish my closet were full of linen and keds and Zulilly and white socks...I ache to have a jewlery box full of bangle bracelets and enough sterling silver to choke a large pack mule. I long to blog about my children (with 12 names a piece) making the honor roll every single year (including the years before they were even born). I fantasize about blogs filled with Emily Dickens quotes and epiphanies and wisdom that makes all of our hearts so cotton pickin fond. I fancy those overachieving Moms who smock everything but the kitchen sink. Sew everything but their lips shut and coordinate outfits like a son of a gun. Those Moms with endless energy and perk that can whip up a hand made hair bow for their princess as big as a 1965 Cadillac hub cap...their lack of dysfunction makes me starry eyed and mesmerized and energized and orgasmasized. I would love to be the floatiest floater in the shameless cesspool of self promotion in bloggity blog land. I long for it, I do. I really do!...BUT turns out, I suck at it. I am mediocre at best. I'm not an overachiever at all. Sometimes i forget to bathe. Sometimes I wear the same underwear 2 days in a row. Sometimes I forget to fasten the car seat.... sometimes I pretend to be asleep when my kids call my name. Sometimes I give people the mddle finger behind their backs and as soon as they turn around I pretend I didn't. Sometimes I drive way too fast, drop food on the floor and eat it anyway... I even forget to go through my kids back packs some days. Oh, the shame I carry. sometimes I even fantasize about the stock boy at Foodland..(did I just say that out loud?) I guess what I am trying to say is that I blew it when it comes to being graceful and classy and mature and everything I had in a mother. Sometimes I think to myself, "Where are all the adults? We really need some adults here..." Then I realize I am the adult. Then I realize just how screwed the kids are that need a real chaperone...(anyway) bAck to my Mom...um, let's see...Oh, yeah. I did inherit Mom's sarcasm and her wit. I also got her sense of humor which comes in handy a lot... On the other hand, What I didn't inherit was her ability to take the high road or her talent for pretending to be interested when she was bored to pieces...She was so good at that. (Everybody loved her... The poor thing...the least she could have gotten was a kid kinda nice like her.)...Where was I? Oh, yeah...Thats pretty much the reason I'm about to kick facebook to the curb. I admit it. I give up. Uncle...Mercy....Calf rope....I give!!! FB makes me crazy. It's like being addicted to being involved in a train wreck. I hate every minute of it, except for I love every minute of it.

If I hear one more battle-ax post me the play by play on her little Anna Mary Claire Gracey Matilda Jane's first play date at Mommy's Day Out I think I'm gonna have to hurl my body in front of the waste management bus come Monday morning. I can't take it anymore. Its enough I have to deal with these chatter bugs on awards day every year in May... with their monogrammed camera bags swatting me as they try to squeeze past me on the bleachers..(the flash on their camera gives me migraines every year btw) but i'll be danged if I am going to have wade through their cornball comments just to get to the good stuff in facebook land...you know what I'm talking about. Don't act like you don't...THE "good stuff" (wink, wink) -the juicy stuff- like pictures of that skinny heifer in high school that stole our boyfriends. I wanna see her now with 80 extra pounds on her caboose and really bad skin like with carbuncles on it and stuff because her hormones are all messed up....Now that's what I'm talking about. :) while we're at it, Lets be honest....those friends on FB that keep changing their profile pictures over and over and over and over-They just want us to say, "girl you are beautiful, you look so good." so she can say. "oh, girl please! I am not...I hate pictures of myself"...(even though there's fifty-leven more just like it in an album marked "Just Me" on her page.....

PLEASE, I'm begging! Quick-someone be real. Someone be honest- someone tell the truth...someone for Lords sakes, set your profile picture and leave it the hell alone for once. Someone go out to a restaurant for once in your life without posting it with a picture of your plate....!!!! Someone, please...stop falling down all the corny trees and hitting every limb!

Some people think I'm funny. Some people like to read the random slightly chemically imbalanced thoughts and feelings swirling around in my noggin.(go figure)..some people say I should write for the public...ha! so I thought, "HEY!" I might as well give bloggity blogging a whirl....maybe I'll make a nickel or two...Lord knows my ex-husband isnt giving me any...the low down son of a...........;) (can i get a witness?)

Anyway-it's been a pleasure. I hope we can be friends.

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