I grew up in a Catholic family and knew about Jesus but did not know Him. Like most people I struggled with insecurities. Mine were small stature and shyness. Most of my life was spent trying to compensate for my insecurities by setting and achieving ever-increasing goals. I earned my Bachelor's degree and used intelligence, sarcasm and wit to gain an edge over people. In addition, my life was spent on a rollercoaster of weight gain and loss, fluctuating 40 pounds in either direction. This caused image issues and the realization that people do not look only at the inside person. After achieving a significant weight loss one year, I decided to start pouring myself into endurance events such as marathons and triathlons. But after completing a full Ironman triathlon, I quickly woke up with a hangover from this drug. Nothing I did filled the void in my life and always left me feeling empty. I lived by the philosophy of Hedonsim: seek pleasure and avoid pain. That led to alcohol and drug abuse and sexual addiction. But God in 2008 broke into my life and saved me. I repented of my outward sins and immediately got plugged into a local church. However, I did not confess or give up pornography. Instead, I got married to a godly Christian woman thinking she would fix me, without confessing my addiction to her. Within two years we ended up divorced. And my life took a detour back into sin. But God used the only person in the world I trusted to convince me to go to the Pure Life Ministries 6-12 month live-in program.
I arrived there on May 10th, 2013. God showed me that I had know-it-all pride that manifested itself in a debating spirit and a need to be right; and self-protective pride that manifested itself in sarcasm. I also came face-to-face with the reality that I feared being alone and that I made relationships an idol. But the most sobering revelation was that I did not trust God. My faith had never been tested. I had been living the Christian life in the flesh, in self-will. I wanted victory over sexual sin on my terms. But God had other plans. In a sermon series I learned that an idol is anything or anyone that begins to capture our hearts, minds and affections more than God. It's living on substitutes. It's exchanging the One true living God for a counterfeit. Through prayer, the Word, books, worship, counseling, sermons, and many many tears, God systematically revealed and removed the idols of my heart. In their place God gave me a love and trust of Himself. I now know through experience the goodness, grace and mercy of God. The cry of my heart now echoes the words of the Frances Havergal hymn:
"Take my life, and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my will, and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne."
As Jesus continued on toward Jerusalem, he reached the border between Galilee and Samaria. As he entered a village there, ten lepers stood at a distance, crying out, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!” He looked at them and said, “Go show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy. One of them, when he saw that he was healed, came back to Jesus, shouting, “Praise God!” He fell to the ground at Jesus’ feet, thanking him for what he had done. This man was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, “Didn’t I heal ten men? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” And Jesus said to the man, “Stand up and go. Your faith has healed you.” (Luke 17:11-19 NLT)
I was the leper Jesus healed and now want to praise God with my life. Jesus is my savior and Lord. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for taking me from death to life. Thank you for having mercy on me. Thank you for breaking my chains of bondage to sexual sin and giving me victory.
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