KarmaPlusOne

What can I say, except “Yea, I did it.”

I did it to fit in. I did it to be “normal”. I did it because my religion told me so. Look where it got me.

As I sit here in my tiny one bedroom apartment, I often think what I gave up, to be me. The wife, tucking in my two adoring children at night and reading them a bedtime story, the 3 bedroom house on two acres, the beagle puppy, the mini van, no money, no credit.....everything is gone, and for what?

I often see the commercials on TV for dating sites, and I am so jealous that I can never have that. I got gypped. I always ask myself “Why me?”, but I never come up with an answer, ever. So now what do I do? Well, like every decent human being, I have to get over it and move on. Six years of being alone is enough time to rethink my life. Even though this has been the hardest road ever taken in my life, I know that there has to be something better in the end. I know that there have been people in my life that I've hurt and I have to accept it. Nobody likes to hurt people, and not everyone knows why people do the things they do. I can tell you first hand, I wanted to be “normal” just like every other guy out there. To start, raise and provide for their family, but there was always that one element that was missing. Intimacy between my wife and myself. Oh sure, there was some, at the beginning, but twelve years later, all of it was gone and for obvious reasons. I would just give one excuse after another, until my wife sought for the intimacy elsewhere.... I drove her straight into another “married” man's arms.

I grew up in the late 70's early 80's and let me tell you, there were no options of being gay, especially openly. So the majority of all gay guys found their own 1,000 square foot closet, and shoved those feelings right to the back and forgetting about them, hoping that they would never surface. For some, they did surface later in life, after creating a beautiful family.

So where do I go from here? Well, I've learned to fill some of my alone time with things that make other people happy. I work with kids, part time, bringing life and happiness to the stage. I also am involved with several non profits and try to produce one fundraiser a year, for a great cause. Even though, in my eyes, I've reached rock bottom, I'm certain that there are people out there that are less fortunate.

I'm hoping to make some connections with all walks of life here on Hub pages, to debate and share similar stories. I'm hoping that you bring to this table an open mind, with thoughtful and provocative subject matter. To those who believe that religion or medical treatment can change a gay man to become straight, I ask you. “Do you believe you, as a man or woman, could have an intimate relationship with someone of the same sex, if your god or society told you it was the only way to go?” It's not like a light switch. There is no “choosing” in a gay man's life. With every fiber of my being, if I was given the choice of being gay or straight, I'd give up all the teasing and taunting I took as a kid and beg for the straight life.

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