This Review Of Run (2020) Will Make You Run To Read It Then You Won’t Catch Your Breath and You’ll Run To An Oxygen Tank! Directed by Aneesh Chaganty. Starring Sarah Paulson and Kiera Allen.
I rank David Fincher's directorial films from best to worst.
This The Dark and The Wicked (2020) Movie Review Is Both Wicked and Dark, but Not Necessarily In That Order. Starring Marin Ireland, Michael Abbot Jr, and Some Old People That Are So Dead! Directed by Bryan Bertino.
This The Deeper You Dig (2019) Review Isn’t Particularly Deep But We’re Pretty Sure You’ll Dig it! Starring John Adams, Toby Poser and Zelda Adams. Written and Directed by John Adams, Toby Poser, Zelda Adams, and Their Cat and Dog.
I Rank the Tim Burton/Johnny Depp Film Collaborations from Best to Worst
This The Mortuary Collection (2019) Review Recounts An Extensive Collection of Mortuaries! Starring Clancy Brown, Caitlin Custer, and Juanito Mortuary. Written and Directed by Ryan “Sit and” Spindell.
This The Wolf of Snow Hollow (2020) Review Will Make You Not Want To Visit Snow Hollow, Probably Because of the Wolf. Starring Jim Cummings, Riki Lindhome, A Giant Wolf and Robert Forster. Directed By Jim Cummings.
For Your Viewing Pleasure And That of Your Loved Ones and Pets. Here Are 6 Horror Movies With ‘Halloween’ In The Title! Judy From Accounting Endorses This List!
This 12 Hour Shift (2020) Review Takes Less that a Dozen Hours to Read or Your Time Back! Starring Angela Bettis, David Arquette(!) and Mick Foley(!!). Directed by Brea Grant.
The Spiral (2019) Review Will Keep You Going In Circles Until You’re Too Dizzy And Can’t Read Anymore. Starring Jeffery Bowyer-Chapman, Ari Cohen, and Jennifer Laporte. Directed by Kurtis David Harder.
I Rank the Martin Scorsese/Leonardo DiCaprio Film Collaborations from Best to Worst
This Antebellum (2020) Movie Confirms That The South Lost. Starring Janelle Monae, Jena Malone, Gabourey Sidibe, and Some Racists. Directed by Gerard Bush and Christopher Renz.
This Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993) Review Reminds You That You Can’t Avoid Paying Late Fees On This Movie Forever. Starring Kent McCord, Melinda Clarke, J. Trevor Edmund, and Some Zombies. Directed by Brian Yuzna.
I rank Zack Snyder's directorial films from best to worst.
This Review Of the Horror Comedy Get Duked Was Attacked by A Ptero-Duke-Tyl! Starring Eddie Izzard, Samuel Bottomley, Kate Dickey, Rian Gordon, and Sentient Robots Playing Scottish People. Directed by Ninian Doff.
This Peninsula (2020) Movie A Review Is Zombie’s Throw Away From Saving Your Life! Starring Dong-Won Gang, Jung-hyon Lee, and Brad Cindy Whiteman. Directed by San-ho Yeon.
This Ava (2020) Movie Review Has Jessica Chastain Beating Up Critics of X-Men Dark Phoenix. Starring Jessica Chastain, Being John Malkovich, and Slurring Colin Farrell. Directed By Tate Taylor.
This Random Acts of Violence (2019) Review Puts Words In A Random Order That Only The Semi-Literate Can Decipher! Starring Jessie Williams, Jordana Brewster, Punky Brewster and Jay Baruchel. Directed by Jay Baruchel.
Let This Review of Host (2020) Be Your Host To The Spooky and Unknown And Zoom-Riffic. Starring Haley Bishop, Jemma Moore, and Caroline Ward. Directed by Rob Savage.
This Thir13en Ghosts (2001) Review Pays Attention to Ghosts 1-7 and Could Care Less About 8-13. Starring Tony Shalhoub, Shannon Elizabeth, and Matthew Lillard. Directed by Steve Beck When Gas Was Under $2 A Gallon.
This The Rental Review (2020) Puts Black Light to the Surface And Notices Some Unidentified Stains! Starring Dan Stevens, Alison Brie and Jeremy Allen White. Directed and Co-written by Dave “James” Franco.
This The Beach House (2019) Review Will Let You Know When That Green Meat is Edible. Starring Liana Liberato, Sandy Beach, Brick House, and Jake Weber. Directed by Jeffrey A. Brown.
This Relic (2020) Review Is Old, Dusty, Musty, And Just Left Its Room Before Finishing Its Pudding. Starring Emily Mortimer, Robyn Nevin, and Bella Heathcote. Directed by Natalie Erika James.
I rank Wes Anderson's directorial films from best to worst.
This The Wretched (2019) Will Put Some Much Needed Mayonnaise In Your Life. Starring John-Paul Howard, Piper Curda and Other People You’ve Never Heard Of Unless You’re Related. Directed by Brett and Drew T. Pierce.
We’ll Bring The Dead, You Bring The Heat In This Dead Heat (1988) Review. Be Sure to Return This Review Or You’ll Accrue Late Fees. Starring Treat “Meat” Williams and Joe “Meat” Piscopo. Directed by Marc Goldblatt.
This Yummy (2019) Review Is Not Safe To Eat. Now That Mitch Has Left The Room It Is Now Totally Safe To Eat Because It’s So Good. Starring Maaike Neuville, Bart Hollanders And Other Dutch People. Directed by Lars Damoiseaux.
I rank Christopher Nolan's directorial films from best to worst.
This Review of Dreamland (2019) Will Make All Your Wildest Dreams and Fantasies Come True Provided It Costs Under $12. Starring Stephen McHattie, Juliette Lewis, and Henry Rollins. Directed by “Loose” Bruce McDonald.
This Review of Into The Dark: Good Boy (2020) Will Rub Your Tummy and Give You Treats. Starring Judy Greer, Ellen Wong, and Chico The Dog. Directed By Tyler MacIntyre.
This Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 (2017) Review is Just Like The Guardians of the Galaxy Review But With a 2 In The Title. Starring Chris Pratt and Who Cares It’s a Marvel Movie. Directed By James “Man With The Golden” Gunn.
This Extra Ordinary (2019) Review Is Actually Quite Ordinary. Until You Put on The Specially Formulated Glasses Embedded Within the Review! Starring Will Forte and Maeve Higgins. Directed by Mike Ahern and Enda Loughman.
This The Vast of Night (2019) Movie Review Will Show You Just How Vast The Night Is. It’s Pretty Vast. Starring Sierra McCormick and Jake Horowitz. Directed by Andrew “Andrew” Patterson.
Melissa McCarthy and Joseph McCarthy Spy on You Through Your Webcam In This Spy (2015) Review. Starring Melissa McCarthy, Jason Statham, Jude Law, and Melissa McCarthy. Directed by Paul Feig.
Karen Would Like to Speak With Your Manager. Karen Will Call The Cops On These 6 Horror Movies Because That’s How Karens Are. #Karen.
This Review Of the Horror Movie Porno (2019) Was Found in a Folder Labeled “Boring Accounting Stuff”. Starring Katelyn Pearce, Jillian Mueller, and Larry Saperstein. Directed by Keola Racela.
This Ant-Man (2015) Review Will Show Something You’ve Never Seen in A Marvel Movie. But It’s Marvel So You Don’t Care. Starring Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas and Evangeline Lilly. Directed by Peyton Reed.
This Monstrum (2018) Review Is Written in Native Korean and For A Small Price You Can Download The App To Translate It To English! Starring Myung-Min Kim, In-Kwon Kim, Samuel L. Jackson and Hyeri Lee. Directed by Jong-Ho Huh.
This Review of Ghostbusters (2016) Will Trigger Insecure Nostalgia Loving People. Starring Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, and Kate McKinnon. Directed by Paul Feig.
This The Changeover (2017) Review Knows Your Deepest And Darkest Secrets But Won’t Tell Anyone. Promise. Starring Timothy Spall, Erana James and Lucy Lawless. Directed by Miranda Harcourt and Stuart McKenzie.
This Dogs Don’t Wear Pants (2019) Review Features Dogs Playing Poker While Not Wearing Any Pants. Starring Pekka Strang, Krista Kosonen. Directed by JP Valkeapaa. You should know this movie’s Finnish before you finish.
This Ted 2 (2015) Movie Review Will Give You Good Vibrations, Marky Mark Style. The Best Talking Stuffed Bear Movie of 2015 and 1895. Starring Mark Wahlberg and Amanda Seyfried. Written and Directed By Seth MacFarlane.
This The Assistant (2019) Review Will Help You Tie Your Shoes. Do You Need A Haircut And Are Willing To Risk Your Life To Get One? This Review Can’t Assist You. Starring Julia Garner. Written/Directed by Kitty Green.
This Possessor (2020) Review Possesses You Into Reading Despite Not Wanting To. You’ll Stop And Wonder If It’s Worth It But You’ll Finish Anyway And Be Glad. Starring Christopher Abbott and Andrea Riseborough. Written/Directed By Brandon Cronenberg.
This Furious 7 (2015) Review Notes That Vin Diesel Actually Says Words Over 2 Syllables Like “Engine” and “Engine”. Starring Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, and Karen. Directed by James Wan.
This Braid (2018) Movie Review Will Get Your Hair in a Knot! Starring Madeline Brewer, Imogen Waterhouse, Sarah Hay, Tom Braid-y, and Braid Pitt. Written and Directed by Mitzi Peirone.
This We Summon The Darkness (2019) Movie Review Will Place You Right in the Heart of the Action, and By Action, I Mean Nutella. Starring Alexandra Daddario, Johnny Knoxville, and Amy Forsyth. Directed by Marc Meyers.
This Gretel and Hansel (2020) Will Fill Your Tummy With Cookies and Gluten Before Having It Pumped. Starring Sophia Lillis, Bruce Willis and Alice Krige. Directed by Osgood Perkins.
The Review of The BFG (2016) Will Make You Say Big Fluffy…Gophers. Or Something. Starring a Little Girl, Mark Rylance, and Other British People Looking At Green Screens. Directed By Steven Spielberg.
This Review of The Room (2019) Is Not A Review of That Other Movie Called The Room (2003). Starring Olga Kurylenko, Kevin Janssens and A Room. Directed by Christian Volckman.
This Jurassic World (2015) Review Will Make You Think About Taking Your Dinosaur Out For A Walk While Being Mindful of Social Distancing. Starring Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, and Some Lizards, but not Lizzo. Directed by Colin Trevorrow.
This Vivarium (2019) Review Shows How House Hunting Can Be Terrible And Fun, But Mostly Terrible. Starring Imogen Poots, Jessie Eisenberg, and a Bunch of Creepy Guys In Ties. Directed by Lorcan Finnegan.
This Spider-Man Homecoming (2017) is a Review of the Movie Film Spider-Man Coming Home in a Body Bag. Starring Tom Holland, Michael Keaton, Alex P. Keaton and the Entire Continent of Holland. Directed by Jon Watts.
This The Hunt (2020) Movie Review Can Be Read From the Comfort of Your Own Home, Just Like Everything Else You’ve Been Doing For The Past Couple of Days. Starring Betty Gilpin, Betty Crocker, A Bunch of White People With Guns, and a Pig. Directed By Craig Zobel.
Matt Damon Will Ballerina Fight You To The End of Your Childhood Street in This Fist-Fueled Review of Jason Bourne (2016). Starring Matt Damon, Billy Lee Damon, Alicia Vikander and Tommy Lee Jones Lee. Directed by Paul “The Grass Is Always Greener” Greengrass.
This Swallow (2019) Movie Review Should be Taken With Water and Not Read After Midnight. Starring Haley Bennett, Austin Stowell, Jeff Swallows, Toby Chews and Danny Digests. Written and Directed by Carlo Mirabella-Davis.
This Review of Get Hard (2015) Will Not Leave You Soft! Starring Kevin Hart, Will Ferrell, and Nobody From the CDC. Directed by Etan Cohen.
This Justice League (2017) Movie Review Will Walk Your Pets Around the Block When You’re On a Business Trip. Starring Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot, Henry Cavill and 2 Other People Plus 3. Directed By Zack Snyder and then Joss Whedon.
This The Invisible Man (2020) Review Will Pay For Your Invisalign Procedure Provided You Leave Some Of Your Teeth As Off(red)erring. Starring Elisabeth Moss, Oliver Jackson-Cohen and Aldis Hodge. Written and Directed by Leigh Whannell.
This Magic Mike XXL (2015) Movie Review is Like Harry Potter, But With More Wands and Baby Oil. Starring Channing “The Manning” Tatum, Donald “Ronald” Glover and no Matthew McConaughey. Directed by Gregory Jacobs.
Will You Lodge A Complaint Against This Review of The Lodge (2019)? If so, I’m Sorry It Didn’t Meet Your Needs and I Will Throw Myself Off A Bridge. Starring Riley Keough, Richard Armitage and Jaeden Martell. Directed by Severin Fiala and Veronika Franz.
This Doctor Strange (2016) Review Will Not Make You Feel Hazy Or Drowsy. That Was Probably the Drink You Took. Starring Benedict Cumberbatch, Benedict Wong, Benedict McAdams and Tilda Benedict. Directed by Scott Derrickson.
This Fantasy Island (2020) Movie Review Knows Da-Plane Truth About Your Fantasies and About Your Islands and About Your Island Fantasies. Starring Lucy Hale, Maggie Q, and Michael Pena. Directed By Jeff Wadlow.
Who’s Your Daddy? That’s What Elijah Wood Asks Himself During This Come To Daddy (2019) Review. Starring Elijah Wood, Stephen McHattie, Along With That Dad Who Left For Milk When You Were Eight And Ever Came Back. Directed by Ant Timpson. Stabbed by OJ Simpson.
Stay Golden With This Kingsman The Golden Circle (2017) Movie Review. Starring Taron Edgerton, Colin Firth, Colin Middle, and Colin Last. Directed By Matthew Vaughn. This Review Contains English Subtitles.
Jared Leto, Will Smith and More Forgettable Characters Are Nowhere To Be Seen In This Birds of Prey (2020) And The Annoyingly Long Title Review. Starring Margot Robbie, Ewan McGregor and Rosie Perez. Directed by Cathy Yan.
Denzel Washington is Everyone’s Favorite Cowboy and Chris Pratt is Everyone’s Favorite Denzel Washington in This The Magnificent Seven (2016) Review. Written in a Saloon While Wearing a 5-Gallon Hat. Directed By Antione Fuqua.
Learn Why We Are Never Getting Back Together In This Taylor Swift Miss Americana (2020). Directed By Lana Wilson. Starring Taylor Swift and Taylor Swift Along With A Katy Perry Cage Match From 2016.
This Crazy Rich Asians (2018) Will Teach You The Violin And Tutor You In Math Only If You Study 15 Hours A Day. Starring Constance Wu, Henry Golding and Akwafina. Directed By John M. Chu.
Nicolas Cage Yells at an Apple and Eats an Apple and Drives a Car!! Nicolas Cage is in This Review of the Nicolas Cage Movie Color Out of Space (2019). Directed By Richard Stanley. From the Short Story by the Racist H. P. Lovecraft.
This Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man Tell No Tales (2017) Review Will (Not) Get You A Free Month of Disney Plus! Starring Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush and Really Long Lines. Directed By Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg.
The worst Best Picture Oscar Winners of the past 30 years.
This Review of Countdown (2019) Will Also Tell You When You’re Going to Die. But You Have to Read About 3/4ths of the Way Down. Starring Elizabeth Lial. Written and Directed by Justin Dec.
Will Smith and Margot Robbie Steal Your Hearts as Well as Your Lungs In This Review of Focus (2015). Written and Directed By The Singing Duo of Glenn Ficarra and John Requa.
This Underwater (2020) Movie Review Will Take You To Places You’ve Never Been Before And Leave You in a State of Ecstasy Never to be Matched in Your Lifetime. Starring Kristen Stewart and Meghan Markle. Directed By William Eubank.
This Lord of Illusions (1995) Review Reminds You There Are Hot Lonely Singles Waiting For You! Starring “Great” Scott Bakula, Famke Janssen, Daniel Von Bargen. Directed By Clive “My Dog Is A” Barker.
A Review of the Gun Running Comedy War Dogs (2016). Starring Jonah Hill and Miles Teller. I Once Had to Run Miles Up A Hill To Find A Teller. Directed by Todd Phillips.
Are You A Fan of Bradley Cooper? Prove it by Reading This List, Watching One of These Horror Movies So Bradley Cooper Can Devour Your Soul. Sponsored by the Soul Devoured By Bradley Cooper Club.
Emma Watson and Tom Hanks Play Giant Circles in This Review of The Circle (2017). Hermione Gets Into her Wackiest Hijinks Yet When She Realizes What Ron Put In Her Drink. Directed by James Ponsoldt.
This Review of Villains (2019) is Made From The Remains of Your Christmas Ham. Starring Bill Skarsgard, Maika Monroe and All the Other Skarsgard Brothers and Sisters. Directed by Dan Berk and Robert Olsen.
This Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2 (2015) Review Would Really Like to Move Into Your House and Share Your Bed. Starring Jennifer Lawrence, Woody Harrelson and That Wee Little Boy Josh Hutcherson. Directed by Francis Lawrence.
A Review of Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker (2019). Because You Really Need a Review to Know if You’re Going to See A Star Wars Movie. Contains Wookie Nudity. Starring Daisy Ridley. Directed By J.J. Abrams.
This Black Christmas (2019) Movie Review has Been Left in the Oven Too Long, Much Like my Nephew Mortimer. Blow on it Before You Read it. Starring Imogen Poots, Cary Elwes, Bamboo Shoots. Directed by Sophia Takai.
This Review of Wonder Woman (2017) is Grateful For a DCU Movie That Doesn’t Suck. Yay. Starring Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, Chris Golpingad, Val Vilmer and a Lady Also Named Chris. Directed by Patty Jenkins.
Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart Play Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito in This Review of Jumanji 2 The Next Level (2019) Electric Boogaloo. Starring Jack Black and Karen Gillan. Directed by Jake Kasdan.
A Very Un-Peculiar Review of Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. The Peculiarities Were Really STDs. They Were Vaccinated but it Still Itches and is Splotchy. Directed by Tim Burton. Starring Eva Green.
To Prepare you for the Christmas Season, Santa Claus Himself Recounts His Favorite Horror Movies Over a Gallon of Eggnog and Bacon-og. Happy Holidays!!!
This Review of the 1981 Australian Horror/Thriller Road Games Will Give You A Bonzer Chokkie. I don’t know what that means because I’m not from Australia. Starring Stacy “Life’s A Beach” Keach and Jamie Lee Curtis. Directed by Richard Franklin. Bifocals by Benjamin Franklin.
Liam Neeson is Natalie Portman in Black Swan in This Review of Run All Night (2015). His Stunt Double Runs For Most of the Night While Liam Sits in his Trailer and Watches Disney Plus. Starring Ed Harris, Joel Kinnaman, And Someone With The Runs. Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra.
Get Ur Freak On With This Review of Freaks (2018). This Movie is From 2018. That Reference Was From 2001. Starring Emile Hirsch, Lexy Kolker, Bruce Dern and Amanda Crew. Written and Directed by The Law Firm of Adam B. Stein and Zach Lipovsky.
Zac Efron and Adam Devine are Dueling Bullfighters in This Review of Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016). Anna Kendrick and Aubrey Plaza Also Play Vampires. Directed by Jake Szymanski.
This Star Wars The Last Jedi (2017) Review is a Review of Star Wars The Last Jedi. If This Review Last More Than Four Hours, Consult Your Doctor. Starring Adam Driver, Daisy Ridley, and Ineffectual Fanboy Rage. Written and Directed by Rian Johnson.
America’s Dad Tom Hanks Plays Fred “The Hammer” Rogers in the Explicitly Gory Horror Movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. Also starring Matthew “Minute” Rhys. Directed by Marielle “What The” Heller.
This Review of Horror/Thriller Revenge (2017) Reminds You That No Means No and Was Harvey Weinstein’s Favorite Movie of 2017. Starring Matilda Lutz. Directed by Coralie Fargeat.
This Review of Deep Murder (2018) Contains Both Murder and Deepness, Deep-nocity, and Deep-lorables. Starring Christopher McDonald, Katie Aselton, Jessica Parker Kennedy and Deep-rected by Some Guy.
This Suicide Squad (2016) Review is Something That Exists. Starring Will “Oreo” Smith, Margot “You Can’t Wear Pants” Robbie, Jared Leto (Sorry). Directed by David Ayer. You’ve Already Forgotten About This Movie.
A Movie Review of The Good Liar (2019). Starring Helen “The Machine” Mirren, Ian “Randalf” McKellen. Directed by Bill “Always Wear A” Condon.
This Review of Ford V Ferrari (2019) Hopes You Don’t Get Shot On Your Way to the Theater or in the Theater or at a School…Again. Starring Matt Damon as Loki, Christian Bale as Batman. Directed by James Mangold. Written by Mames Womansilver.
Retro Review of Silver Bullet (1985). Starring Corey Haim in a Wheelchair, Gary Busey as Someone Perpetually Drunk, Megan Follows as Chad and a Cute Cuddly Werewolf That Dismembers a Child. You Did Not Rewind This Videotape in 1986. Directed by Daniel Attias. Based on the Stephen King
- Tom Cruise Wears Lifts in This Review of Jack Reacher Never Go Back (2016). Starring Tom Cruise, Cobie Smulders, Fox Mulder, Smuckers Jam. Directed by Edward Zwick Produced by Selfie Stick.
This Review of JoJo Rabbit (2019) Shows Nazis as Not Very Fine People. Starring Roman Griffin Davis, Thomasin McKenzie, Scarlett Johansson, Sam Rockwell and Taika Waititi. Written and directed by Taika Waititi. Produced by Waika Taiwitti. Cinematography by Titi Waitaka.
This Girl on the Third Floor (2019) Will Take You Down to Basement and Accidentally Find Your Dead Grandfather. Starring C. M. Punk, Trieste Kelly Dunn, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Directed by Travis Stevens. Takes Place in Floor-ida.
- A Movie Review of Mother! (2017) Only Your Mother Would Love! Starring Jennifer Lawrence, Javier Bardem, Ed Harris and so many W-t-fs. Written and Directed by Darren Aronofsky. Analyzed by Your One Friend Without a Job.
Robert Pattinson, Kirsten Stewart, Willem Dafoe, Black Phillip, White Lightning Star in The Lighthouse (2019). Directed by Robert “Ham and” Eggers.
Wendy Torrance Still Doesn’t Know how to Hold a Baseball bat in This Doctor Sleep (2019) Review. Starring Ewan MacGregor, Nick Jackolson, and Rebecca Ferguson in a hat. Directed by Mike Flanagan Based on the Podcast by Stephen King.
Dip Your Toes Into This Review of the Horror Movie The Forest (2016). Complete With Mixed Metaphors and Japanese Schoolgirls. Natalie Dormer Stars in Something not in her Dorm Room.
This Barely-lit Review of Gwen (2018) Shows You Can’t Handle the Truth in A Few Good Gwen. Written and directed by William McGregor. Doctor Sleepy by Ewan McGregor. Violated by Conor McGregor.
This Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1 Movie Review Stars Jennifer Lawrence and Tiny Josh Hutcherson. Directed by Francis Lawrence. Fathered by Martin Lawrence. Mothered by Laurence Fishburne. Moderated by Larry Lawrence.
This is a Review of Zombieland Double Tap (2019). This is Your Brain on a Review of Zombieland Double Tap (still from 2019). Woody Harrelson, Jessie Eisenberg, Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin Just Want You to Love Them for Themselves, Which I Think isn't Too Much To Ask. Directed by Ruben Fleischer.
Tired of Watching Horror Movies with Mostly Consonants in the Title like Trth R Dr or Nghtmr n lm Strt. I Know I am. Read this list and you’ll say Conso-NO! to Consonants. Warning: This List Contains Explicit Vowel-ance.
This Review of Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice (2016) is here to read if you feel like it. Starring Henry Cavill, embarrassed to be there, sad Ben Affleck, shaven Jesse Eisenberg, and Gal Gadot. Directed by Zack Snyder, so there’s that.
Review of the Body Horror Movie Rabid (2019). Starring Laura Vandervoort, Stephen Huszar, Gilderoy Lockhardt, Hanneke Talbot along with other names that really excite the spellcheck feature. Directed by the Soska Sisters and watched by the Sisters Brothers.
PG and E Recently Shut Off This Review of the Zombie Comedy Little Monsters (2019) For “Safety” Reasons. Starring Lupita Nyong’o, Josh Gad and Alexander England. Written/Directed by Abe Forsythe. Emancipated by Abe Lincoln.
A slimy review of Alien Covenant (2017) that will stick to your hands and it’ll be tough to rub off. Starring Katherine Waterston, Michael Fassbender, Billy Crudup. Directed by Ridley Scott.
Laugh so You Don’t Cry During This Review of Joker (2019). Starring Joaquin Phoenix, Thank Goodness it’s not Dark Phoenix, Heath Ledger, Tom Holland, Andrew Garfield, Christian Bale, Miguel Keaton, not Jared Leto, and Robert De Niro. Directed By Todd Phillips. Soundtrack by Wilson Phillips.
This review of the Horror film The Heretics starring Nina “Bobina” Kiri, Ry “Sigh” Barrett, and Jorja “WhoAreYa” Cadence will not actually tell you how to pronounce The Heretics.
This Review of Sully (2016) will make your heart soar with Patriotism. Tom Hanks is draped in an American Flag. Both ‘A’s’ in Aaron Eckhart stand for America. Both ‘L’s’ in Laura Linney also stand for America. Clint Eastwood directed this while chewing 8 pounds of tobacco a day.
A strobe-light affected review of the art-horror movie Bliss (2019). Starring Dora Madison and the Lost City of Gold, Tru Collins, and George Wendt. Yes, the guy from Cheers.
An edible review of the horror/comedy Corporate Animals. Starring Demi Moore, the Indian Guy from Deadpool, Jessica Williams, Ed Helms. We will release an unredacted transcript of this review only if it clears me of any wrongdoing. If not, then all the parts with crimes will be blacked out.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt are Sandra Bullock and Cate Blanchett in the Live Action Disney Remake of the Horror Classic Ocean’s Eight (2018). By the time you finish reading this your spleen, your pacemaker and the nephew you were supposed to be watching will have been stolen.
Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio Battle Aliens in this ad-free (not really) review of Ad Astra (2019). Directed by James Gray. Tea by Earl Grey. Picture by Dorian Gray.
A review of the 1989 horror movie I, Madman. Starring Jenny Wright, Benny Wrong, Jason Left. Sometime during the first screening of this movie, Taylor Swift was born.
The X-Men do exactly what you X-Pect them to do. It’s not complete X-crement thanks to Dark Phoenix. Starring James McAvoy, contractually obligated Jennifer Lawrence, Michael Fassbender. Directed by Bryan “fired from that Mediocre Musical Biopic” Singer.
An unrated review of the stripper, um, exotic dancer drama Hustlers (2019). Starring Jennifer Lopez, the Asian lady from Crazy Rich Asians, Channing Tatum, Matthew McCardi B and Lizzo
Your Mother Ducks Rocks in Shells in This Satanic Panic (2019) Horror Movie Review starring Rebecca Romjin, Hayley Griffith, Ruby Modine, and one of the Skarsgard brothers. The true horror is under your bed.
A Review of the Romantic Horror Drama Spring (2014). Spring into action and read this. If you do, I will think of you fondly.
A clown-infested review of It Chapter 2 (2019). Starring Jessica Chastain, James McAvoy, Bill Hader, Denzel Washington, George Washington, Stephen King, Martin Luther King, Best if read under a sewer.
This retro review of the werewolf classic The Howling (1981) is well-done and not rare. I couldn’t find a way to work “medium well” in. Please don’t bite me.
Run a Train on This The Girl on the Train review (2016). Starring Emily Blunt and a Train.
An Introspective list of Ladies who just can’t even…let you live if the case may be.
Review of the Horror/Comedy Tone-Deaf (2019), starring the metal cop from Terminator 2. Will reading this review make you tone-deaf? You won’t know unless you try.
Review of the comedy The Disaster Artist conceived and birthed by James “James” Franco in a specialized egg sac that looks like James Franco.
Samara Weaving is Into Thieving while Andie MacDowell wears a Towel in the Radio Silence Horror movie/black comedy with Nothing but White People, Ready or Not (2019).
You are the Chosen One to Read this review of High Life (2018). Where Space and Artificial Insemination finally meet.
Review of the Zom-Rom-Com-Dram Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016), from the incredible true story by Jane Austen (before 2016).
I bring back from the dead this review of The Resurrected (1991). That dad joke was brought to you by my dad. He’s dead and I will not be bringing him back to life.
The Kitchen (2019) review. Melissa McCarthy, Tiffany Haddish and Elisabeth Moss star in the long awaited, eagerly anticipated Ghostbusters sequel, The Kitchen.
Where’d You Go, Bernadette? I mean, Cate Blanchett. To pay for an extension on the house by appearing in a Marvel movie. Here's a Thor Ragnarok review-narok
Review of the YA Horror movie Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. Watch it or Guillermo Del Toro Will Eat You!
Prepare your gall bladders and your pituitary glands for the scintillating drama Hobbs and Shaw. Nominated for 6 BAFTAs including Best use of the word Splendid, Best Corset, and Best Maths.
Melissa McCarthy, 20-something Elizabeth Moss and white Tiffany Haddish star in The Kitchen prequel, Life of the Party.
Once Upon a Time in PittCapriWood. We take a look back at 6 of the 58 movies that star Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio. And one long-running television show. Warning: May bring you to tears of sadness and/or joy.
Review of the horror movie Nightmare Cinema (2018). Nightmare Cinema will make you remember you left that milk curdling in the fridge back in 2016. It will also make you forget to turn on your alarm clock.
A review of Star Trek Beyond (2016). “I’m such a better villain in Hobbes and Shaw than I am in this” - Idris Elba
Review of the movie Once Upon A Time in Hollywood. “Leonardo DiCaprio is pretty good in this movie”- The bear that violated Leo in The Revenant
Are you a white character in need of some help? A magical negro will cure what ails you.
Review of Poltergeist (2015). Clown fetishists will like this, everyone else will not.
Review of the Hobbs and Shaw prequel 'The Fate of the Furious'
“You shouldn’t see The Lion King because any live action Disney remake that stars a black guy who used to star in a sitcom and got a Grammy for rapping taking over a part originally played by a white guy can’t possibly be that good”- Will Smith
Review of the 2019 movie Hellboy. "I don't Like This Movie"- Abraham Lincoln
Review of the Ben Affleck Thriller 'The Accountant'. After he kills someone, the accountant should say "You've been accounted for," and then proceed to make a detailed invoice.
Review of the Alexandre Aja horror movie Crawl. “Do not watch this movie. It is terrible”- Jeff the Alligator.
Review of the 2015 Daniel Craig James Bond movie Spectre. It is not spectre-cular.
Review of the movie I'll Take Your Dead. See it while you're alive.
"I was just so good in all of these"- Daniel Day-Lewis.
Review of the 2017 movie It Chapter 1. It also serves as a handy flotation device.
MidsomMark My Words. Midsommar is not the next midsomMarvel movie. Here's my review.
Review of the movie Warcraft. Is not a substitute for losing your virginity.
Provided you have an external power source for both a monitor and a way to play your Blu-Ray, 4K Ultra or DVDs. Hell, even a VHS player would suffice because you’re stranded on a desert island. Also, if you have the capability to stream, but somehow do not have access to communicate to the outside.
Review of the 2019 horror sequel Annabelle Comes Home. Does not doll-iver the scares...unless you've never seen a horror movie before.
No sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again in this Child's Play (2019) review.
Review of the 2017 version of Murder on the Orient Express. This movie will run a train on you.
Review of the 1990 horror movie Hardware. A lot harder than the movie Software.
I rank Quentin Tarantino's directorial films from best to worst.
Review of the Superhero movie Avengers: Infinity War. Some of you have seen this infinity times.
Review of the horror comedy The Dead Don't Die. Bill Murray does not know he's in this movie. Don't tell him.
“This list disturbs me like when Gwyneth Paltrow’s head was in a box. Please don’t read this”- Brad Pitt
Review of the horror movie The Boy. Not to be confused with a boy toy.
"This list is amazing. I love this list." - Nic Cage
Review of the horror movie Child's Play (1988)
If it's a horror movie with the word 'the' in the title, it's on this list - guaranteed!
Review of the Comedy Central Intelligence starring Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart and other films that will make you think you forgot your keys and then you find them in your pocket but you're covered in blood. WHERE DID THE BLOOD COME FROM? You don't know.
Octavia Spencer doles out more than syrup as Aunt Jemima in Ma. Here's ma review.
Review of the Horror movie Night of the Lepus (1972). Bunny terror the likes of which you've never seen! You've been warned!
Movie Review of Kong Skull Island (2017) -Starring the cast of Captain Marvel and Thor and Boogie Nights.
Review of the movie A Star is Born. Reading this review will make you a star...in my heart.
Review of the horror movie Get Out. Get in.
Movie Review of Serenity (2019) Should you watch Serenity now?
Review of the horror movie Halloween (2018) "I'm In this movie"- Jamie Lee Curtis. "I'm not in this movie" - Jeff
Review of the horror movie Starry Eyes (2014). Comes with a coupon to Big Taters.
Everybody's story is better than Bran's in this review of the horror movie Brightburn.
Review of the horror movie Who's Watching Oliver. Anybody who wears a leather apron can't be all bad.
Review of the horror movie The Ranger (2018)
I rank American Horror Story seasons 1-9 from best to worst.
Movie review of the horror/comedy Brain Dead (1990). Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman in the ultimate BP mashup.
A review of the horror/thriller Monster Party. So many monsters were harmed during the making of this party.
A review of the 1989 original Pet Sematary. Sometimes Fred is better.
A review of the horror movie Us. Your double already read this.
A review of the Ryan Gosling film First Man. Be the first man or woman to read this review.
A review of the horror movie Hell Fest (2018). An amusement park in which people die. Otherwise known as an Amusement Park.
A review of the thriller A Simple Favor. Do yourself a simple favor and read this review.
Review of the Horror movie The Nun. You don't want nun of this.
A review of the movie Mission Impossible: Fallout. Tom Cruise hangs from a tree or something.
A review of Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom. Jeff Goldblum Has a Rental House in This Review.
A review of the horror movie Truth or Dare. Do you dare watch it, or can you not handle the truth? Yeah, that was awkward.
Review of the Horror movie A Quiet Place. Don't read it aloud.
A review of the Steven Spielberg movie Ready Player One. Because 80s nostalgia is so in right now.
Review of the Horror Movie Winchester. Cheaper to See This Movie Than Take The Actual Tour.