Joined 7 years ago from United States, OH
I'd like to take a second to thank CorieBarba for directing me to this sight. She's a great woman who knows the meaning of friendship. The sight looks very promising.
Hi! My name is Scott. That's pretty easy to figure out since my user name is my name. It means painted warrior or wanderer. As a child I always had a sense that I would never find my way in the world; I would never grow up. Call me a Peter Pan a guess. My Great Grandfather on the otherhand saw something in me beyond what I saw in myself.
"You will do great things later in life," he said. I think what he meant was that I was become great within myself but not within the world. The world at large would see me as a fool and I believe that they do. Thinking for yourself is not very popular in the world. A cop would probably take me downtown if I talked to myself in public as I do in private. Maybe I should try that lol. I'm not too crazy about what society's definition of sanity is. If people spent more time embracing creativity, listening, and bearing each other's burdens we would not have near the crime rate that we do. Judging others only spurs people on to commit crimes.
Only within the last three years have I begun to listen my inner guidence, and have begun to understand how that relates to my own character. It can be said of me that I am not one who seeks after the truth, but rather an understanding of those truths as they relate to the evolving circumstances of this world. Sometimes I get it right, and others times I'm a bit out there, but that's why it is an evolving process lol.
My understanding of those truths brings me to odds with Christianity; the religion I was raised on. I could never fully accept it because of the conditions it requires beyond that which is inherently known. Those conditions lead to subtractions from the truth. For years I tried to reconcile the beliefs of the modern Church with that of my inner child but nothing I ever concluded too settled with them. "This is not scriptural," they always said. It was if I had no divine direction apart from some kind of Christian material and or affiliation. Another words someone of 'ordained?' aurthority was always standing between me n' God and filtering everything that came through to me.
Speaking of Christianity, I don't think Jesus or Buddha for that matter ever taught a single principle that added too or subtracted from the truth. That something their so called followers have done and pawned off as truth in these last days of ignorance. It has caused a lot of misunderstanding as to what was actually taught by these son's of God.
That's the predominate reason why I don't really want to have an allegiance to a specific set of beliefs. I just want to know the truth that sets me free. I want a direct connection and a deeper understanding of my God. I don't want to put God in a box and label it as Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Peganism, Judiasm or any of the other worlds established belief systems and or practices. I am free from the inside out; not from the outside in. That which lies on the outside is confirmed by the inside, and that on the outside confirms that which lies on the inside. It is this transfer of energy that helps to sustain my faith.
However Inner guidence and written confirmation alone is not enough to sustain ourselves because even our faith must be renewed through fellowship as if to know someone in the flesh; not just by a screen name with an attached picture. The people we meet over the net probably live 100's - 1000's of miles away from us. The closest we ever come to seeing each other is a webcam. It's not the same as knowing that person in the flesh.
Unfortanately most of the people I know in the flesh do not share nor do they wish to understand the way I feel about God though sources such as the Bible, the Dharma, and other related material. Everyone sees my quest for understanding as a lack of faith. And so I see myself as the ugly duckling among a group of high class fools.
I hurts. I feel sad, angry, stripped of spirit, and at times absolutely insane of mind. An Identity conflict; that's the present contest I face. One minute I'm a saint, the next minute I'm a demon from hell. It seems foolish of me to doubt my own sanity, but I don't know for sure whether I'm saved or not. The Christians claim to be sure but their confidence is the result of a majority cast rather than a personal independent conviction. If there is a 50/50 split on an issue then the church member feels more obliged to make his own decision on the matter because responsibility is more evenly shared and therefore justifies their decision. I don't decide things by a majority cast but it is difficult to have confidence without fellowship of spirit.
I really want to make something of my life, I have a nigh impossible time of it because I don't have the life skills to get out on my own; nor do I have a enough sources of renewable and transferrable energy I can fully depend on to replenish me and guide me. Plus the job I'm in is extremely demanding of my time. I feel more like a slave than a Security Officer. The Hebrew slaves of Goshen come to mind.
I know I'm on the right track about all things, but could I be wrong despite my confidence and best intentions?
The miracles taking place within the modern church are the most disturbing to me. The other day my Dad told me that a woman at World Harvest Church was healed of glaucoma when Rod Parsley declared her healed. Apparently Rod didn't even know whose illness he was rebuking. I guess the ladies doctor later confirmed the healing. I wonder if the doctor was a Christian? Was there more than one doctor involved? Even if this was a genuine healing, it should be no surprise that the devil can perform miracles through the accumulation of negative energies. Jesus said that in the last days many would perform miracles in his name, but on the day of judgement he would deny having even known them. I must place my faith in these words and not let these events shake me.
And I'm not sure how to end it. If God himself or an angel of Lord appeared before me would my doubts be put to rest or would I find another reason to contest.
This conflict often appears in my writing and the music I listen too helps to maintain the balance so as not to shift one way or the other. Music is an energy giver. It is not just a magical formula to serve the God's as it was for the Greeks.
and bring God's fury down upon me? Would surounding myself around likeminded people more knowledgable than I put my doubts to rest or would I yet still contest. I'm not really sure how to answer that. I fear that death itself is the only sure release in a world divided agianst itself. Would having a wife change all that? I don't know.
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