A Note To Pets.

The following article was emailed to me by an old work colleague, Richard Jacob, a couple of years ago, and until recently I’d forgotten about it. But today I’ve been doing a bit of computer tidying, (mainly because the wretched thing keeps freezing and the whiz-kids at the local computer shop tell me its got ‘constipation’!! in other words, its got no more room left on the hard drive or something technical, I think they mean) and stumbled across it again. I read it with increasing mirth and when I’d stopped choking with laughter, I thought how true these words were and applied totally to our two Labradors Tessa and Pippa. But more importantly, I felt this was a gem worth sharing with the world.

Richard and his lovely wife Maggie have been friends of ours for many years now and we are all passionate dog lovers to a man (or woman as the case may be). They have three lovely dogs and it’s easy to imagine this being posted on their kitchen fridge, VERY LOW, and at pet-nose height. We’ve got our 'gem' laminated and posted in the appropriate place.

It’s amazing how the two dogs totally ignore its presence and carry on doing precisely what it tells them NOT to do! Can’t they read or are they just being recalcitrant in their refusal to obey any house rules.

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"Note to our PETS"

(To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door, at pet nose height )

Dear Dogs and Cats:

1) The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing.

2) The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

3) I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

4) For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or to get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

5) The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's bum. I cannot stress this enough!

6) To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

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To All Non Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur 'niture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

REMEMBER: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1.        Eat less.

2.       Don't ask for money all the time.

3        Are easier to train.

4.       Normally come when called.

5.       Never ask to drive the car.

6.       Don't hang out with substance abusing friends.

7.       Don't have to buy the latest fashions.

8.       Don't want to wear your clothes.

10.     Don't need a gazillion dollars for uni, and...

11.    If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

The first article is absolutely true, particularly when we’re having a snack on the sofa and watching television! The hi-jacking starts off with a nudge, which if ignored, becomes a hefty ‘bunt’ rather like that of one of the sheep when it thinks its being playful. It hurts. The second trick is to place a large paw firmly on your leg, as close to the plate as possible. You ignore this at your peril because the next move comes rapidly; your sandwich or apple has gone! So has the offending dog! She’s skedaddled with her scrumptious booty to some place in the garden that a human being could not possibly access. She comes back in five minutes when she thinks the coast is clear and we’ve forgotten the incident. She can cope with a mild scolding and you can see her metaphorically rolling her eyes and shrugging her shoulders.

If she could comment, the words would be something akin to “silly old tart!” followed by a derisive snort!

“But forget not dear friend who feeds you”, I retort. “Your breakfast bowl may be a little short tomorrow!”

Article two is true to the nth degree. We now live in a house with two sets of stairs, all of which are made from marble (reconstituted I hasten to add). Extremely dangerous if you fall on them, as I discovered to my cost when we first moved in three years ago. I didn’t break any bones but the teapot and cups looked a bit sorry and had to be replaced! And this was a ‘dog induced’ incident. I should have learned! But try reinforcing article 2 to this pair of bouncing, unruly bandits.

The moment you get up in the morning, they wait for you. Most self respecting dogs would be way ahead, but not these two. Their theory is that you may double back and get back into bed after your excursion to the loo. That would mean they’d have to trudge wearily back upstairs. No sense in wasting energy,

“After all” , says Tessa, “I’m damned well 97 years old and these stairs are NOT my idea of fun”.

But the moment you set foot near the first step, down they go, tails beating your legs to pulp with their unruly tails. The sheer excitement of bowling the old girl down the stairs is not to be missed!!!. If you stop to let them pass, they stop too. Its no good trying to fool them, so you hang onto the banister and carefully locate each step whilst foolishly endeavoring to push them to the opposite side. We all reach the middle landing together and this is where they get really excited. By this time Pippa knows you’re definitely going down, and she leaves it to Tess to administer the coup de grass by crossing in front of you as you negotiate the next set. But I’m too nimble for her and cling desperately to the next banister. Nothing daunted she weaves between my legs in a last murderous attempt to break my neck!

“Made it!” I gasp!

Now, I know you’re asking if this happens every time I want to descend the stairs and the short answer is “Yes!” I’ve learned to live with it now. We did try to at one time to keep them shut in the bedroom until I’d got to the kitchen, but it was far more dangerous, - for them that is; they literally flew to the steps and came hurtling down at such a dangerous speed, which if the exercise had continued, would have seen one of them break a limb or worse. I at least can hang on to the banister.

Article three. Well, there’s a truth! But actually Pippa is the only one that gets on the bed; Tessa is too old to jump that far, and its far too undignified! She's never shown any inclination to do so anyway. BUT Pippa! She's a small Field Labrador so you’d think she’d fit comfortably on a king sized bed wouldn’t you. But just as the article says, she stretches out with her nose on one side and her tail tip on the other, precluding either of us from gaining access. She sleeps soundly and looks rather startled if we disturb her when we want to go to bed. She stretches even further, feet outstretched as far as they can extend, tail to the max and tongue hanging out (as per the article). The eyes close again and we’re back to square one. Tapping her rump and saying “ Hrrmmmmm, excuse me, but can I get in MY bed please”, produces another response akin to the first! So you have to get good and mad, then she jumps up, looking rather indignant and flops on her bed which is actually on the floor and very comfortable! (no, I have NOT tried it, but don't think I haven't been tempted!). Of course, by the first hour of sleep she’s back between the two of us and stretched the other way now, head to the end and rump on the pillows! She adds insult to injury by now stretching her legs out the other way and in so doing manages to push whoever is on the receiving end to the edge of the bed.

We do manage to sleep though, and you may well be asking by this time why we allow it? Simple, we love her to bits!

Item four refers to the bathroom and I thought it was only our dogs that did it. Wrong obviously! It seems this is just another bit of inbred canine paranoia, - you have every intention of escaping and then what will I do? Shutting them in the bedroom whilst you visit the other bathroom across the hall, only produces hysteria on a par with their reaction to thunderstorms. We give in! okay, you can sit right next to the pan, but don’t move an inch, don’t even breath, and especially, do NOT under any circumstances attempt to kiss me!

Item five speaks for itself – it just is not possible for any canine mut to do anything other than that stated. And you as the owner, cannot escape this attention no matter how you try.

The item for the non-pet owner can only be reiterated. It is our dogs’ home, so if you don’t like them, don’t come! Simple eh!

And the last article citing that pets are better than kids is to be commended. Whoever wrote this is an authority on kids, especially the 'alien teenage species ', and pets obviously and appreciates that pets are infinitely better in every respect.

Is it some surprise then that after raising your children and feeling really anti when they reach that ‘alien age’, you suddenly and inexplicably become addicted to kids again as they produce your first crop of adorable Grand-children.

Life’s full of conundrums isn’t it. We’ll never fathom it all out, but amidst all of it, we can still laugh, still make jokes and still love them whether kids or pets! All part of life’s rich tapestry every one!

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