ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Funny Story About Grooming A Malamute

Updated on September 15, 2012
What a face!
What a face! | Source

Malamute Days

In the midst of raising our little malamute, Griffin (now almost 10 months old) even though it's a bit of a challenge, there are times when I just have to sit back and laugh.  This week, luckily I had a few chances to laugh - this is always a positive.

Since our last episode with Griffin at the park, we decided to go all out with the training. We even called in another expert trainer and I must say at this point in time, I'm ditching the clicker.  I think I should have gone along with my first instinct and should have realized that clicking your way to obedience with a mal was a lost cause!

That said, things have been going well.  I think having him neutered was also a huge step in the right direction as far as getting him to start thinking with the right head!

How To Groom A Malamute

Very carefully~

Here in Prinetucky, it is getting on in temperature for us - at least during the daytime - and with that, the malamutes are starting to really feel it. They need to go to the groomer but since Griffin had been newly 'snipped' we could not really make his appointment quite yet. However, with all that panting going on, last Friday I took pity on the poor boy and decided to get out the Furminator myself and have a go at his coat.

There is no easy way to brush these guys - they are huge - even as a puppy he has more hair than my 8-year-old female. He also isn't quite fond of staying put for long periods of time, so I had Bob pull the SUV into the garage and then got a sturdy leash and hooked him to the running board of the car. I then went to get my big grocery bag for the hair and a small stool and I was set to go.

Things were actually going pretty well - a few raps here under the chin for trying to bite the hand that brushed him and a few redirections there....ah, life with a puppy. For the most part, I was very happily pulling off wad after wad of hair and rejoicing that I actually was going to give the poor lad a bit of 'breathing' room. I had gone to get him a toy only once and he seemed content to let me rake away over and over although I have to say - someone should be knitting this stuff into sweaters! I don't need any more hobbies but it surely would be a good one. Their hair is so pure and clean that it would make a sweater much like an angora. I know folks do it - I just don't.

I I'm thinking about the hair that is rapidly filling the grocery bag beside me and I guess I wasn't paying THAT much attention - so atypical of me! I went to move back because Griffin had someone gotten closer to me (probably in hopes of me not being able to keep brushing and pulling). I went to position myself on the stool and much to my horror, I somehow thought I moved the stool but it didn't move at all - and I overshot it with my backside and ended up feeling that all-too-familiar feeling.... I'm falling and I can't get up! Are you kidding me? How does someone my age overshoot a stool with their butt? Well - I did it!

Luckily, I did not clank my head on the running board - double luckily I did not clank my head on the cement garage floor. However, I did manage to somehow catch my slippered foot in the stupid leash and as I went backwards off the stool, which I might add was still sitting there, I felt the leash pull tight and felt my leg go out at a really weird angle. Now here I am lying on my back on a Friday morning with my leg and ankle caught in the leash - I truly have fallen and I can't get up!

I of course did the best thing I knew how to do - I called for help. Surely Bob would hear me since he was in the kitchen/dining room which was just off the garage! Too bad he has to have the TV on 24/7 and it was blaring away with some basketball game! Too bad he's deaf as the proverbial post - at least when I'm in trouble it seems! I'm yelling out 'Bob - oh BOB - help - I'm stuck to the car with my leg in the leash' - all to no avail.

About this time, Griffin realizes that I'm not getting up and bless his little heart but what does he do? Come and stand over me - practically on TOP of me - licking my face from one end to the other to make sure I'm okay! It doesn't seem to be bothering him that my leg is going at a right angle from my body - and that I'm shaking it repeatedly trying to get it free from the wrap of the leash! And that I'm swearing and yelling 'get off me'! Another training session that works!

Well, it probably took a few minutes, but I eventually managed to shove him out of the way - he was the one putting the torque on the leash in the first place yanking my leg - and wriggled out of my slipper and sent that flying to parts unknown. Then I finally got my frigging foot out of the mess and was at least able to sit up. No damage done - just mostly my inflamed pride again as usual.

Of course when I stalked into the house a few minutes later - COVERED with malamute fur from head to toe literally, Bob has the nerve to ask me what the heck I'm doing covered with hair! You have to be kidding me! I think I live in the 'I get no respect zone'. I had to go strip off all the clothes and start all over again with Griffin because I had more hair on me than he did at that point! And while we're at it - hell of a back-up there, Bob! I guess I had that one coming though after the roof incident.

Can't you just read my personality?  I am adorable and I can't help it!
Can't you just read my personality? I am adorable and I can't help it!

But I'm Not Done Yet!

Next day, Saturday, dawns bright and clear. We are going to finally go to Bend and have a bit of a walk around in the nice weather with the dogs after I get off work. I work at home for a transcription service and work 4 hours on Saturday and Sunday and then have the rest of the days to myself. As usual, I was up to my eyebrows in medical reports, busily concentrating on things medical.

Bob had called down to me a little earlier and told me he was going to go out and run some quick errands and that he'd be back shortly - in plenty of time for us to get on the road to town.

A little over an hour later, in the midst of my editing haze, I looked up to see one hysterical husband in the doorway of my office - he is in total panic mode!  'Griffin's gone - oh my God - he's GONE, Audrey. I went outside and I looked everywhere in the backyard, on the deck - down below on the patio - I called and called and he's NOWHERE to be found!'

My heart absolutely stopped. I thought I was going to faint as I heard rushing water in my head of some sort. It couldn't be! Quickly I thought clearly enough to ask 'Is Denaya still out there?' If one of them was out there, there was no way there could have been a 'prison break' meaning a chewed hole in the fence, etc. Where one goes, the other follows - the rule of the malamute!

Of course, Denaya is still laying on the deck where she always is - and I'm thinking how could someone come into the backyard and rip off one 80-pound puppy and not rouse the babysitter? Even though malamutes are not famous for being watchdogs, at the very least, Denaya would have a cow if anyone tried to take HIM and not HER! All of this is going through my head at the speed of light while I'm getting sick thinking someone has stolen my puppy.

Then all of a sudden it hit me - 'Wait a minute, you IDIOT! Didn't you tell me you were going to run errands before and I could swear I heard you say you were taking Griff with you??' (Please God tell me he said that and he DID that)

I see the love of my life look perfectly baffled for a moment and then the light goes on - 'Oh yeah - THAT's where he is - in the SUV'.....

Oh my God - and they let us drive cars and move freely about in society without guardians!!

Hey mom--I just drank the eggnog!
Hey mom--I just drank the eggnog!

Another Day Another Story

So there you have it - my 2 little humorous Griffin tales for the week (and it's not over yet).  The bad thing is that probably someone should report this to Animal Protective Services - he is living with a couple of RETARDS if you ask me!  He is probably in danger of being made stupid by association - or senile!

I think we should go ahead and sign up now for that assisted living I've been thinking about.  It may not be too early to get some help - as in a panic button if we fall and get caught in a leash from falling off a stool - or if we misplace our dog and can't remember what we did with him or her!  Why wait - I know it's going to be necessary all too soon! 


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Good deal, Freya - I love to make folks laugh and glad it was 'mission accomplished'. Of course, in my life, I have many people (and animals) that give me plenty of raw material to work with!!! This dog is too hysterical for words and he just keeps going and going!

    • Freya Cesare profile image

      Freya Cesare 

      9 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

      Audrey, this is my first time visiting your funny story. It seem I will be around more often now, because you really make me laugh! LOL

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Thanks, Winsome for stopping by.....I actually did purchase a vacuum with a furminator attached. The only problem is that he is now permanently 'fixated' on vacuums. He doesn't know if he should like them or love them! Too hilarious!!

    • Winsome profile image


      9 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      Hey Audrey, one of my teenage sons would love to learn your golf swing--that's his kind of humor. I am always amazed at the enormous amount of hair from our Lab that accumulates everywhere the day after the house is swept and vacuumed. I think I will start vacuuming her instead. =:)

      You might enjoy the life lessons I learned from her in my "Everything I Need to Know..." Very funny stuff and my first of many delightful reads I'm sure. =:)

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Thanks so much Moulik Mistry for commenting - yes, he is adorable!

    • Moulik Mistry profile image

      Moulik Mistry 

      9 years ago from Burdwan, West Bengal, India

      Griffin is so lovable - why should not I be loving him...

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Thank you Crewman6 - that is about how many of my days go - ending laughing and usually at myself or along with Bob at myself and life 101. Thanks so much for commenting.

    • Crewman6 profile image


      9 years ago

      I can feel your pain... but I can't stop laughing. Thank you!

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Oh Charlie - that is a great idea! I took all the clickers and was tempted to throw the dang things down the toilet but that would probably cause Bob another thing to fix! I don't think I'll mention that leaf blower idea because knowing him, he'd do it in a minute! My pride has taken so many beatings it just doesn't matter anymore.....I give up -when you go to take a golf lesson and you swing and you fart - it's basically gone right there! I guess that's when I literally became 'an old fart' and all that matters is getting up the next day and seeing the other old fart is still there. I only hope I keep recognizing him! Yikes.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Oh this was a funny hub indeed. You need to keep your sell phone with you at all times like I do and Bob could've used the leaf blower on you to get that hair off. Get yer pride back yet? How's the bum doin'? Clickers don't work with my kids nither, but my hand held bug zapper does.

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Thanks RickyRobi for sharing and for commenting! Selective hearing - aye - it is a gift! At least I didn't get dragged anywhere (this time)!

    • RickyRobi profile image


      9 years ago from Texas

      Thanks for the laugh. I enjoyed your story. I seem to have the same problem with my husband going deaf whenever I am in need of rescuing. One time I was being drug across the whole acre of the back yard through the poop, the day of our 2nd wedding ceremony on our 10 year anniversary and he never heard me scream, but the neighbors did. I also have a malamute so I completely feel you with the hair.

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Habee - yes, sad but true - maybe if we moved up to a Great Dane Bob could remember what he did with the fellow! Frightening how brilliant we are these days.....

      Sage - It is good to know I have company then - it is getting ridiculous! Thankfully we have enough to keep our minds stimulated - sure! Thank goodness for each other I guess because we'll hopefully survive between us? Thanks so much for commenting ladies - and he is a handsome, beautiful boy....think since he has been 'snipped', we can call him whatever we wish. Poor laddie but think he'll be the better for his lost 'manhood'. Testosterone poisoning and all that....

    • Sage Williams profile image

      Sage Williams 

      9 years ago

      akrichner - thanks so much for sharing your story. You had me laughing all the way through. Mostly because I could identify with both scenarios. You are not alone. I hate to admit it but my husband and I go back and forth between situations like yours all the time. And all you can do is laugh.

      Griffin is an absolutely handsome boy. I started to write gorgeous, then changed it to beautiful but decided I better call him handsome. After all he is a boy.

      I have always admired your avatar. It speaks volumes for the love and admiration that you have for the malamutes.

      Great story, I really enjoyed it!


    • habee profile image

      Holle Abee 

      9 years ago from Georgia

      I am cracking up! Loved this story! I think it would be hard for us to misplace our huge guys - and if we tried, they'd voice their disapproval loudly!!

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Thanks as always! I live to laugh - it is just what it is.....thanks so much for commenting!

    • Darlene Sabella profile image

      Darlene Sabella 

      9 years ago from Hello, my name is Toast and Jam, I live in the forest with my dog named Sam ...

      I am so sorry you had such a fall, but the way you wrote it, it was so funny, thanks for the levity I needed this today. You are such a dear, great hub and great writing...

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Hey Shellie - thanks for commenting! Yes we are insane people here aren't we? That's what is happening here, too with the weather - they are both blowing their coats and poor Griffin is panting and panting. Thankfully next week he can be groomed 'for real' after the snipping! Yes, it is quite an accomplishment to lose a huge dog....and there is a place in Sisters (about an hour from here) that they actually spin malamute hair/fur so gonna try and remember to keep it and take it to them. They weave it or something with alpaca fur - of course there is always the way I use it - just fall down and roll around in it. It keeps you warm - you just have to be careful not to get into the wind too soon! Thanks as always for the empathy with the mals! They are a kick.

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Oh Austin Star that just really puts it into perspective - not sure I could handle a clydesdale since I obviously can't handle a puppy! Although the clydesdale might bring me a beer, so there ya go. Actually that is why they go to the groomer but he can't get wet yet or groomed 'back there' but next week....takes the danger out of it for me! Thanks so much for commenting.

    • theherbivorehippi profile image


      9 years ago from Holly, MI

      LMAO...I mean...I loose my keys (often) but at least I don't lose a dog that's right in front of my face!! lol By the way...I don't know how the weather is by you but Malachi's body thinks it's Spring here and he is started to blow his coat already!!! I am not ready for it to begin this early in the season. I swear someone should be able to take our Malamute fur and put it to use! At least if he's tired out a bit he'll lay there for an hour and let me brush him everyday. He loves it. You guys are too funny over there! Love the picture. He is stunning!

    • Austinstar profile image


      9 years ago from Somewhere near the heart of Texas

      Don't they make Flowbee's or something for grooming big hair dogs? I vacuumed a Budweiser Clysdale once. Malamute hair is awfully thick though.

      Griffin sounds like a handful. Good to know that if you fall and are dying, he will lick you to death. Some comfort in that, LOL.

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Thanks sandyspider - he is so cute it is hard to remember we have to discipline him some days.

    • Sandyspider profile image

      Sandy Mertens 

      9 years ago from Wisconsin, USA

      Beautiful dog. Nice hub.

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Oh Nellie - we are kindred clumsies - I think you could have slipped the fellow your card and your number.....I would try that but Bob is always (not) there to help me up- ha ha - at least he laughs after it is all said and done....

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Resspenser - thanks so much for stopping by - and yes, I think I need a smaller dog the older and obviously worse I get! Except that I usually end up stepping on or falling on smaller dogs - so I think for now I will stick with the bigger ones - hopefully I will not be the crushed!

    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Oh Zsuzsy - thanks so much for stopping by - I've missed you! Yes - they are the loves of my life these days - and what would we 2 old farts do without them? They are such a kick and every time we look at them we get a good laugh...and a good awakening. Thanks so much for stopping by!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 

      9 years ago from England

      Hi, Audrey, ha ha not again!! You always seem to get into situations that only I could get into. The other day, I bought myself a new pair of boots, and I was sashaying down the high street, trying to look super cool, as you do, and whoosh! straight on my tush in the street, God knows how it happened! a nice gentleman pulled me to my feet, and I thanked him, legged it, and shot home, mortified!! so we are like kindred souls, no, kindred clumsies! ha ha cheers nell

    • resspenser profile image

      Ronnie Sowell 

      9 years ago from South Carolina

      Think I will stick with a small pup!

    • Zsuzsy Bee profile image

      Zsuzsy Bee 

      9 years ago from Ontario/Canada

      Another good one Audrey. I just love your pup and the babysitter too. They are my kind of people.

      Thanks for sharing

      kindest regards to you and giant bear hugs for the dogs


    • akirchner profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Kirchner 

      9 years ago from Washington

      Thanks - me too! Thanks so much for commenting....he is the dog of a lifetime.

    • Cygstarz profile image


      9 years ago from Maryland

      I am in love with Griffin!!! So Cute!


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)