Cat Nip

Cat Nip. Hmmmm. I’ve been delving back into the wonderful world of cats recently. Having written quite a bit in a completely sensible manner, I thought it was time to give my brain a much needed release. Time to have a bit of fun and allow the inner me come out to play.

That said, if you’re seeking advice about this weird and wonderful herb, you’re best off looking elsewhere. The questions themselves really are frequently asked. Unfortunately the answers are far from frequently wanted.

Disclaimer: To any men that may read this. Do not allow your minds to wander. Do not begin to cobble together words. Cat = kitten = kitty = ...... You get the picture. Don't read #5 - then immediately rush out and buy a cat nip spray, cover yourself liberally with said cat nip then sit back and wait for your woman/ any woman to suddenly exhibit the same behaviours as cats.

You will only A) waste your money B) End up feeling frustrated and C) potentially end up with an allergic reaction.

And your woman/ any woman will never let you forget it.

Cat Nip

1 Will cat nip harm my cat?

No. The only way cat nip will hurt your cat is if you hollow out a rock, stuff cat nip inside then toss the rock his way. Expect a tooth or two to become dislodged. And expect someone to suspect you of having a warped view on cat toys. And your vet to question your ability to own any animal – not just a cat.

2 What is cat nip?

It’s a naturally growing herb. I’d tell you the scientific name but you’d probably forget it. A reaction known only to cats (true – scientists can only guess – so ask your cat) occurs when they come into contact with it.

Oh alright. It’s called Nepetalactone and belongs to the mint family. Now, which are you going to remember? Cat nip. Or Nepetalactone?

3 My kitten doesn’t respond to cat nip. Why not?

Look, he’s a kitten. The equivalent of a two year old. He’s still trying to make sense of the world and crayon on walls with wild abandon. Imagine what your two year old would do if you gave him … I don’t know … a remote control? He’d throw it around and maybe give it a hard gum workout. But you’d hardly expect him to start flicking through TV channels, would you?

Same thing with kittens.

4 What is organic cat nip?

Organic cat nip is the difference between paying a lot and paying a little. A lot like organic food. Whenever anything lacks nasty man-made chemicals, we seem to have to pay more for it.

Strange. It’s actually cheaper to poison yourself than it is to remain healthy.

NB - The cats in the pictures on the left have both been on a cat nip binge. One standard, one organic. Can you tell which one was on the cheap crap?

5 How can I expect my cat to react to cat nip?

Ummmm. In a very strange and seedy way. It’s funny for about two minutes. Then you start to feel strangely uncomfortable. Like you know you’re watching something you shouldn’t be.

They writhe around. Purring. Chirruping. Some get really excited and start … drooling. Then the rubbing kicks in. That’s when it can get a little messy. And also when you’ll start to feel a little … awkward.

NB - The video to the left is from a documentary, regarding a cats' strange reaction to cat nip. I should warn you that all cats were not actors nor were they paid for their efforts. Further, you may want to excersise caution when watching. It is very ... unsettling. 

6 Why won’t my cat react to cat nip?

Probably because he’s in the 30% bracket that has better things to do than writhe around, making a complete show of himself – in order to keep you amused. He’s probably looking at you and thinking: ‘if I produce ohhhhh I don’t know a banana - are you going to do something weird and seedy whilst I watch? No. Didn’t think so ... ' !

7 Will my cat go crazy over cat nip?

He won’t go crazy. That’s what crazy people do. Don’t expect your cat to suddenly start insisting on cat food on demand or back scratches at 2 A.M – and when told no he flies off in – I don’t know - the cat version of crazy.

He’s more likely to look sleazy than crazy.

8 Can I grow cat nip?

If you want to. But bear in mind that every cat within a two mile radius will congregate around your cat nip bed. It’s po – tent. Intoxicating. Heady. Stimulating. And cats just can’t stay away.

So yes, grow it by all means. Just don’t get upset all to hell and back when your backyard looks like a stray cat compound. Because it will.

And that’s it folks. I’m all out of cat nip FAQ’s. Hope you found them helpful. Or at the least … misinformative. And don’t say I didn’t warn you. I did. Right at the beginning.