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Doggie Toothpaste

Updated on June 17, 2011
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Toothpaste for Dogs?

The doctor had prescribed some Vicodin for me yesterday. As it turns out, I not only need a knee replacement, but a wrist replacement as well. It seems like I have been eating those things like candy to kill the pain I am experiencing, but it sure makes me seem delusional at times. Oh well.

Sammie and I drove over to the new Wal-Mart here in Lulawissie. I was looking for some flea shampoo for my small brood of pooches (pood of brooches?), and I noticed a package on the top shelf that contained a toothbrush and a tube of beef flavored toothpaste.

“Wow” I thought. “Beef flavored toothpaste! What a concept!” My mouth was watering at the idea of brushing my teeth with something that tasted like a rib eye steak. Looking further I realized that it really WAS for the dogs and not for human consumption. “Damn!” I thought.

So I bought some.

And it was nasty.

Tasted like rotten meat.

So, since I spent the 6 bucks, I might as well use it on the dogs. So I went for my Alpha Male, Wyatt, who is really just a big 6 year old puppy.

He wouldn’t have it.

I had to sit on him and hold his cheeks up just to try to brush his canines. I actually thought that he was going to bite me! My best friend in the whole world wanted to bite me! It is amazing how something so slovenly lazy can exert so much force when he wants to. As I was doing all of this, I looked up at Pepper, my indoor Aussie that was standing in the door grinning at me the whole time. Pepper loves to smile. She has the prettiest smile of any dog that I have seen.

So I went to Mimi, Wyatt’s mother. She just ran and hid behind the water heater. I gave up and left the toothpaste and brush on the kitchen table, and retired with an iced tea in front of the TV.

Soon, I heard the bathroom door close and the sound of running water. I assumed it was either Sammie or my daughter. But then I realized that they were outside on the porch. I opened the door and found Pepper standing up to the sink, with the water running, brushing her teeth.

She turned around and gave me a beefy smile.

“Oh, excuse me!” I said. And I closed the door. I began to wonder. “How can she do that without opposable thumbs?” So I went back in. Too late, she was wiping her mouth on my towel and went back to all fours and walked out. She smiled at me as she passed through. I looked at the sink, and her toothbrush was in the holder where mine was, and mine was on the sink.

“What the heck?!” I thought.

I give up. My knee was hurting, my wrist was hurting. I just took another Vicodin and went to bed.

©2011 By Del Banks


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