I, Professor Quintas J. Fooframitz of San Luis Obispo’s Fooframitz Institute of the Mundane, the Arcane and the Inane, have created the ideal pet, Dogmatic!
Unlike you other sorry canine caregivers, I no longer have to trudge over hill and dale with retractable leash in one hand and anti-microbial plastic glove/baggy on the other! No, I simply program Dogmatic to take his own walk! And, if he should happen to leave a little something in your yard — big deal! It’s all recyclable aluminum anyway!
And, while we’re on the subject of my mech-canine’s gastro-intestinal tract: I no longer need to buy dog chow, for Dogmatic dines on my discarded Diet Doo cans and the foil from my microwaveable mac-and-cheese. His ear-mounted tri-coordinate GPS allows me to keep tabs on the little fella (and makes it a snap for him to find my slippers, newspaper, meerschaum and car keys).
And, at parties, Dogmatic is such a hoot! Guests love tossing him wingnuts. And when this pup playfully sticks his snout in a crotch, his built-in Gas Chromatography-Mass Spectrometer enables him to identify not only gender, weight, last meal eaten and music preference, but also hair color, cocktail choice, city of birth, IQ, shoe size, ethnicity and most recent occasion (and type) of sexual intimacy.