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How to catch a monkey

Updated on December 11, 2010

Monkey catching - The field guide.

Unusual times call for unusual solutions. If you find yourself in monkey related trouble here's a simple way to snare the simian without the need for net-firing mortars, high-speed jeeps and tranquilizer darts (let alone a helicopter, who has a helicopter?)

Why would you need to catch a monkey?

Monkeys often bring trouble. In kid's books they are friendly, curious and just a little bit mischievous. In reality they are stinky, aggressive and just a little bit dangerous.

From a distance monkeys are great. They do all kinds of cool monkey stuff in trees and their babies are super-cute. Up close monkeys can steal your stuff and bite you.

If a large aggressive alpha-monkey were to arrive in your jungle camp and sit down somewhere near the food what would you do? Approaching it would result in bared teeth. Better to use this monkey catching trick taught to me by my father who has lived in South India for 40 years.

The monkey catcher's must have list.

  • A monkey. Just one. Do not attempt on multiple monkeys.
  • A large, heavy jar with a narrow opening.
  • Some fresh peanuts (un-shelled are best).
  • A heavy blanket.
  • Your wits about you

Monkey catch essentials.
Monkey catch essentials.

How to catch your monkey.

  1. Place several peanuts in bottom of jar. Shell a couple.

  2. Place jar somewhere near the monkey, but do not approach monkey at this time.

  3. Wait for peanut scent to work its monkey magic.

  4. When monkey reaches into jar and grabs peanuts monkey will attempt to remove peanuts with a clenched monkey-fist. Assuming your jar has a narrow opening this will prove impossible.
  5. While monkey is distracted by peanut/jar/fist conundrum throw the blanket over the monkey.
  6. Bundle the monkey up safely, being careful not to hurt the monkey.
  7. Move problem monkey to another location, away from trouble.

I hope you've found this how to catch a monkey guide useful and that it saves you from a ruined safari or from a problem monkey eating all your jungle trekking supplies.

If you have tried to remove a problem monkey yourself or even if you have never considered the possibility of monkey trouble, please take a moment to share your thoughts in the comments section.

I value your input.


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      mohd fazal 5 years ago

      i have a problem in around my house there is a monkeu

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      rossyrossross 6 years ago

      LOL! will keep this in mind if ever i encounter a monkey problem! ;)