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My Evil Cat is Trying To Kill Me

Updated on February 20, 2009
 

Some people are cat people and some people are dog people. I'm a dog people. I had a dog. I had two dogs, in fact. I had grown weary of living in New York City. I wanted a red jeep, a dog, and a house, so when I moved back to the Midwest, I got a red jeep and a dog. The house would have to wait. I had wanted to get a Bloodhound and name him Elvis (get it?), but true Bloodhounds are, not surprisingly, hard to come by and expensive. Their special tracking skills make them desirable in professional capacities, not to mention that their average life spans are a meager 6.75 years and they carry a dizzying array of medical problems, as do most pure breed dogs.

Elvis

Elvis as a puppy on his favorite couch.
Elvis as a puppy on his favorite couch.

I was blissfully unaware of such things, so I opted for my second choice, the exuberant Dalmatian, who carry their own medical textbook packed with illnesses. So a Dalmatian it was and I named him Elvis. He was my baby, with one eye blue and one brown. We did everything together. You should have seen us, tooling down the road in the jeep with the top down, Elvis next to me wearing his doggy seat belt and digging on the wind. We were young and free and hot and we new it. Elvis truly was—as my sis called him—a chick magnet, and we turned the heads of all the females, human and canine.

Puppy Love

If you ever get a Dalmatian, take everything you think you know about responsible dog ownership and double it. Many people think that Dalmatians are stupid. Not from my experience. They just don't give a crap. And then there were the accidents and medical problems. While going downstairs once to answer the door, Elvis tripped me down a very steep flight of stairs—not from anger but exhuberance—but nevertheless, there I was, instantly 30 feet down and my head cracked open on the tile at the bottom. When I opened the door, the Pizza man looked at me with something akin to horror, having heard the thud, boom, bam, thud, thud, POP. I realized blood was gushing from my head and soaking my shirt. “Just give me the damn pizza,” I said, shoving a $20 into his hand and closing the door.

Once, Elvis was hit by a car. I wrapped him in a blanket and picked him up off the pavement, his eye—his brown one—hanging by a tendon and the hole in his face spurting sanguine fluid all over both of us. I held him and talked to him gently as my neighbor drove us—in a rather leisurely fashion, I thought—to the animal hospital. Hey, boy. How ya doin', boy? We're gonna fix you up yes we are. He was going into shock as we arrived, but they saved him. They couldn't save the eye, so from then on it was sewn shut.

That didn't cramp our style, though. I got him an eye patch and fixed it so it would stay on his head. Then we looked beyond cool. James Dean and Spuds McKenzie cool.

And then he got urate crystals so bad they blocked his urinary tract. It was such a painful thing, for him of course, but also for me, as his woeful cries emanated from the emergency room as the vets unsuccessfully tried to “clear” him out with catheters. Baleful, heartbreaking cries. They showed me the tools of their torture afterwards, long metal things, bent and bloody.

They had to surgically change him so that he had a vagina instead, just so he could pee. I told everybody he'd had a sex change operation. When people asked in disbelief, "why," I said, "He always felt that he was a bitch trapped in a male's body."

Yorick

Nobody home?
Nobody home?

A New Kid In Town

I finally got that house in a little hamlet and then added another dog, a mutt this time, half Dachshund and half unknown, but he looked like a Jack Russel terrier. A really long Jack Russel. When I first brought him home and showed him to Elvis, Elvis almost bit his head off. Upon hearing the story, my father said, "Alas, poor Yorick," and so the dog was named. He was a strange and funny character. I used to tap on his head and say, "Nobody's home." Sometimes I don't think there was anybody home in there.

The three of us slept together in the same room. It was blissful at first, but as usually happens with threesomes, somebody gets jealous and accusations are made and it culminated in my banning both from my bedroom. It was just as well, since I got married a couple of years later and the bed wasn't big enough for four. Nor do I think my wife would have liked being told she had to sleep on the couch. Several years later, I had to put Elvis down as he was unable to walk due to old age. I waited too long to do the deed because I couldn't bear to walk the long, green mile with him.

  

Another One Bites the Dust

Two weeks later, Yorick wasn't looking so good. He wouldn't eat, but he was drinking copious amounts of water. I cooked him a steak and he wouldn't eat that either, which, as anyone who has ever owned a dog will tell you, just ain't right. I said to him, "What's the matter, Yorick? You look like you're about to die." Two hours later he was dead. Just laying there on the carpet like a stuffed animal. I buried him out back during a thunderstorm, the torrent of rain mingling with my tears. I realized later with a little research that he had been poisoned. Yorick? Hamlet? Poison? Something was rotten in the state of Denmark.

Champers

Fatal Attraction

But this is not a story about dogs. I merely tell you this to emphasize that I am a dog people. I had been raked through the emotional coals and I couldn't handle the commitment of another dog. So I thought a ca....a ca....I can't even say it. You know, the sworn enemy of dogs. Those furry things that say “meow.” He was a feral cat to boot, so I was asking for trouble. I see cats around the neighborhood who are unmistakably his relatives, plus many others that are just part of the gang. I think they are organized, infiltrating homes throughout the area.

We named him Champers. At first it was just those little things that all cats do, like getting in between your legs when you're walking, all those little behaviors cats engage in to trip you. It's like they think humans are “Weebles” or something: We wobble but we don't fall down. Well, I almost fell down plenty of times. Still, I was blind to the true nature of my cat, chalking it up to common, evil cat behavior. Likewise, his surprise attacks—which not only nearly gave me several heart attacks—but often drew blood. He was, after all, feral. He would calm down eventually, I believed. He would come to love me as all animals loved me. Or so I naively thought.

  

Suspicious Minds

It was later that my suspicions deepened. I had broken my ankle and suffered second-degree burns at the same time, so a hard cast was impractical as the burn had to be constantly monitored and treated. The crutches were also difficult in that any movement in my foot or ankle area hurt like hellfire. This is when my cat's "Operation Weeble" went into DEFCON 1.

His tripping activities multiplied exponentially. He not only would sneak up behind me when I was balancing on one leg and cooking (handling knives and boiling pots and sizzling grease, you know, dangerous things), but would lay down there, silently, very close behind me, so when I turned to move I would trip over him. When going downstairs—a precarious undertaking at best—he would time his operation perfectly, darting between my legs at just the right moment, leaving me holding onto the banister for my one-legged life while my crutches went kerplunking violently down the steps, as if to say, “This could be you, mister.”

He got me, too. Not on the steps, thank God, but he got me. Several times. When you can't use one foot to catch yourself, there is nothing to do but accept the fact that you are going down and try to use your arms to soften the impact as much as possible. I did that. So hard did I impact the linoleum that the house shook. Every time. It was after the third time, laying there on the kitchen floor, after my cursing tirade had fizzled and fell only on deaf furry ears andtrying to figure out how I was going to get up, that I said to myself, "Hmmm...I think that cat bastard is trying to hurt me." Little did I know.

Japanese Ghost Scroll

Ghostbusters

The next event requires a little background. Sometimes my wife and I think we might have ghosts. I'm not saying we do and I'm not saying we don't. I wouldn't mind having a ghost, actually. Not if it was a cute little mischievous ghost. One that would stack the kitchen chairs into impossible pyramids when we weren't looking. Or when it wrote on the walls in blood it wouldn't say, "You will die at midnight." It would say something like, "Tag. You're it!"

There have been things though. Strange noises. Slamming doors. Oh, we've never seen a door slam, just the sound. A loud, violent slam. And then there was the mistletoe. One Christmas we hung some plastic mistletoe in an archway and never took it down. For years it was there, providing an excuse for the unexpected kiss. We were having a conversation one evening about “first kisses” and I, being my usual cynical and curmudgeonly self, was deriding them and their importance, and generally just saying bad things about kisses, when we heard a noise behind us. A fluttery, brushing noise. I investigated. It was the mistletoe. On the ground after all these years and torn to shreds.

So anyway, for various reasons, we think we might have ghosts, but you didn't hear that from me.

Evil Personified

The Ghost and Mr. Chicken

So one night, my wife and I are in bed watching television as was our habit, when my wife leaves the room for a few minutes. After she left, the door began to close slowly, creaking eeeeeeeEEEEE, and then THUNK as it hit the door jam, and then slowly drifting open again, creaking its way back EEEEEeeeeeee. "What the...?", I said to myself. And then it did it again. EeeeeeeEEEEE as it slowly closed, THUNK as it hit the jam, and EEEEEeeeeeee as it opened again. I was freaking out a little. It had to be my wife. Very funny, dear. She was messing with me. "Honey?" I said. No answer. "Hon?" I said a little louder. Nothing. And then it did it AGAIN!

EeeeeeeEEEEE, THUNK, EEEEEeeeeeee. Ok. Think. We don't really have a ghost, do we? Nah. Some anomaly. Some strange wind current, perhaps. Was the air conditioning running? No. What the...?

Shortly after, my wife came back into the room. "Was that you?" I asked. "What," she said. "The door," I said, "Was that you with the door?" She looked at me funny. No it wasn't. T hen what? I laid in bed thinking about it, trying to solve the mystery. I would investigate thoroughly tomorrow. Maybe it had something to do with the exhaust fan in the restroom. Maybe the suction along with a series of other circumstances caused it, but then why hadn't it ever happened before? As I sunk into a fitful sleep, it had not escaped my attention that it didn't happen while my wife was in the room, only when she was out. Ah, ha! A clue. I would get to the bottom of it. Just you wait.

  

Evil Cat Imprisoned

The Cat's Dream

The Ghost and Mr. Chicken

The next day, I could find no plausible explanation for the unusual happening. Nada. Zilch. It was three nights later, when my wife once more left the room, that it started again.

EeeeeeeEEEEE, THUNK, EEEEEeeeeeee. Ok. Whether it's my wife or the ghost, I'm going to find out. I began to get out of bed slowly, silently. EeeeeeeEEEEE. I carefully began to stand up, making not the slightest sound. THUNK. I moved cautiously towards the door, careful not to make the floorboards squeak. EEEEEeeeeeee. I was like a Ninja. As silent as stillness. EeeeeeeEEEEE. My heart was pounding as I approached the door. THUNK. I got there and screwed my courage to the sticking place. EEEEEeeeeeee. Come wife or demon, the time was NOW!

I QUICKLY OPENED THE DOOR AND...nothing. There was nothing there except silence.

And then I looked down. There was the cat. One paw in the air and that look that says, "Who? Me? I didn't do anything." And that's when I got it. The cat was trying to kill me. He thinks if he ever gets that door to actually close and latch while I'm in there by myself, then I won't be able to get out. He thinks I don't have opposable thumbs. And naturally no one would come looking for the likes of me. Why would they bother to come looking for a philistine? Then it will just be the two of them. He and my wife. Alone at last. They won't find me for months, he thinks, and when they do, I'll be nothing but a skeleton with the remote control clutched in my bony hand.

Is there a moral? Well...don't get a cat is always a good lesson. Or maybe it's something deeper. Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer? I don't know about that, but I do know this: You are not paranoid if they're really out to get you.

Are Cats Evolving Into This?

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    • profile image

      Henry van Staden 2 years ago from Queenstown

      I just love cats, but I am not gonna be wanting them as pets. My mother in law has about 10 of them-they drive me nuts. Im gonna show her this. I am a dog person 100%

      http://www.queenstown.org.za

    • profile image

      Plastics news India 2 years ago

      hey that feature was stunning it was so cool and shrewd i wish that i could do that yet i dont have that feature

      http://www.plasticsinfomart.com/

    • profile image

      LosectinWinders 2 years ago

      Damn! Have you been reading my notes? That was going to be after my hub, "Wiping your butt: The Pope Has People to Do That For Him.

    • oliwier profile image

      Richard Warren 3 years ago from London, United Kingdom

      I enjoyed reading your hub. I was not cat lover but I didn't experienced that in our cat before. We have five cats before but all of them were nice pets.

    • profile image

      backpack 4 years ago

      I enjoyed the hub and could relate to the evil aspect of cats. I's a saying, like tit for tat. When two people trade things of equal value and accept it as such, the trade is "even steven."That's hysterical! Somebody worked really hard on that! The music is really swingin'!

    • profile image

      swat 5 years ago

      noiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

    • profile image

      icreatables 5 years ago

      My dad found a cat living in his shed a few months ago. He planned on letting it be but when it go cold he felt sorry for the cat an let him into the house. The cat now runs the house, my dad has some company and everyone is happy!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis

      Something: Hmmm. I think your cat is part of the conspiracy.

    • profile image

      Something 5 years ago

      My cat follows me around the house and tries to attack me, when no one is around she runs at me side ways with her hair spiked. She use to be cute and cuddley and now she is evil as a lion... o.e

    • profile image

      eta 6 years ago

      i have 2 cat

    • rcrawford profile image

      rcrawford 6 years ago from NE Ohio

      Funny hub. I'm a dog person also, but I have four cats. Go figure. Over the years I've learned that cats are more interesting than dogs, but some are indeed homicidal. Of course, there are those who simply decide to outlive their owners, like my 20-year-old Julia, who will dance on all our graves.

      I hope by now you and your cat have drafted a suitable treaty and are living in peaceful coexistence.

    • cherry4144 profile image

      cherry4144 6 years ago

      hey that video was was amazing it was so cool and wicked i wish that i could could do that but i dont have that video

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      As I said, My cat goes in and out at will. That is, he has constant access to the out of doors which he does frequently. And...um...hate to break the news, but the cat will eat your corpse.

      (you do realize this is all in fun, right?)

    • tenten2col profile image

      tenten2col 6 years ago from Somewhere in the mountains

      Yea...cats are picky about their toys, and you probably should let your cat go out. We use to also have a feral cat, and he would go crazy if we kept him in the house for too long. And I don't think cats really try to kill anyone, after all, if you died, how will they get food? They just want attention

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Well, my cat ignores all toys and goes in and out at will. He's not as bad as he used to be. But maybe your cat is trying to kill you and you don't realize it. And in the kitchen you are likely to be carrying a knife or a pan of hot oil or boiling water, which the cat hopes you will spill on yourself.

    • tenten2col profile image

      tenten2col 6 years ago from Somewhere in the mountains

      I think your cat isn't trying to kill you, but is just bored. You should probably give it some toys it likes or maybe let it go out.

      p.s. my cats love to trip everyone too, especially when we're in the kitchen. They do that because they want food or attention

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Eiddwen: Thanks for the comment. Good to see you!

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 6 years ago from Wales

      Oh my gosh I didn't think that i was ever going to get to the final comment. Mind you it's plain to see how you have such a following.

      A great hub and thanks for sharing.

      take care

      Eiddwen.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Ha, ha! Have you been speaking to my cat? I don't want him to get any extra ideas. He has quite enough of his own.

    • Paws For Peace profile image

      Paws For Peace 6 years ago

      Christoph, I loved your story and you're right. We're out to get you. Don't think for one second we won't put a bird's body in your bed without the head if it works. The Godfather was our idea.

      Meow

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Kailey: So sorry to hear that. It's always sad to lose a pet. Hope you are coping with your loss. Good luck to you.

    • profile image

      kailey 6 years ago

      its me again. My cat died the next day

      R.I.P puss

    • profile image

      kailey 6 years ago

      funny story poor you curse the evil cat my cat is at the vet with puenomia :( he might not make it i'm a dog/cat person

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      evvy: Ha! I love it! I should have changed my cat's name to Lucifer too! Or if not planning on smothering us, at least to get so much hair into our mouths we choke to death in our sleep. Thanks for reading!

    • evvy_09 profile image

      evvy_09 6 years ago from Athens, AL

      Love it! And cats really are evil. The way they stare at a spot on the ceiling and then dart from the room...like they are planning something really bad and practicing. And they also seem to like sleeping right by your face. Planning on smothering us one day? The last cat I had clued me onto the true nature of cats. His name was Angel but had to be changed to Lucifer a couple days later.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Marcus: Bring 'em on! All I need is a garden hose and a pack of dogs.

    • Marcus Teague profile image

      Marcus Teague 6 years ago

      When kitties take over the world, you will be one of the first on their list to go...

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Twilight: Exactly. I can't handle it...or at least not very well. Which is why I got a stupid cat (who has gotten a lot better since this was written, but he's still a pain in the arse.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Great writing Christoph. I loved the section about the cat. I agree, you can never trust a cat, especially when they're doing that "I'm a cute kitty," thing. Bastards; all of them. But your "preamble" concerning the dogs. That was so lovely. I still have a tear in my eye... Nah! Several. I love them so much I know I will never have another... I couldn't stand the pain of having to say Goodbye when they leave without permission.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      So true. I'm basking in the attention.

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      WOMEN, huh?? But we adore you, so let us demand at our leisure! You know you are the ultimate beneficiary. Quit yer whining.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Ha! You made me laugh, in spite of your overly demanding ways!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      You may ponder as you write.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Lorlie: Yes I know. I crave to write for fun. My statement was literal (though exaggerated.) So, what happens when I guy leaves ladies waiting? Hmmm. I must ponder that.

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      "Umm...ladies?" Hmm. What were you implying, you, you...cat hater? Writing for 'fun' is balm for the soul, and besides, we are both waiting-and you do know what happens when you leave ladies waiting, don't you?

      =^0^=

      Signed,

      Cat Lover

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Sunny: Damn! You two gals are a couple of demanding...um...ladies. I don't know if I'll ever have time to write again...for fun, I mean. Besides, I prefer to write from experience, so...let's see...I could go visit relatives in Memphis. (wink)

    • Sunny Robinson profile image

      Sunny Robinson 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Hahah! Actually, I'm waiting, too!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      No, no. Everything is fine. Besides, I'm used to getting kicked out of my own fantasies. Ha!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      I hope I wasn't too pushy here, CR! Sorry for that.

      Laurel

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      You poor baby! Hi there Sunny-haha, let's do that frolicing, you and me. Now that we've got that behind us, though, we must deal with this cad who showers us with flowery words.

      Hmm, let's see. CR, you must write for Sunny and me. A hub. You and your moonbeams. Meh.

      Well? I'm waiting...

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Wow. I have been completely shut out. Attacked from all sides, obliterated and scattered, piecemeal on the fighting field like sweetbreads for scavengers on this prophetic and woeful night. No threesome hubamory for me. I am shattered, and so I shall hang, and like a metronome my feet shall tick to and fro in the hesitant blue moonbeams as they creep into my room to behold the horrific scene. Goodbye, cruel hub!

    • Sunny Robinson profile image

      Sunny Robinson 7 years ago from Tennessee

      LOL Lorlie! You know I only love you. Mmhm. That's where the warm and fuzzy feelings REALLY come from! :D

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Dear God, CR, write me a hub then on your deserv-ed shame! This must be made FAR more public.

      I await your response, Bill!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      LOL! Yes, yes! My denial - in public no less - is shameful! What kind of gentleman am I? I take full responsibility for suggesting this debauched behavior, for which you soundly thumped me on the noggin, the hollowness thereof resounding through these cavernous hub halls like the lonely footsteps of a forgotten man on the cold dismissive tiles of love.

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Hey wait ONE minute! I give you two free rein for a couple of lousy hours and what do I return to find? *Winking* does not a slut make! I simply told you of one episode from my admittedly checkered past, and if I am not mistaken-which I most certainly am not-you, CR, haughtily suggest that I drug my hubby so we might frolic, drunk or no, in some sleazy San Francisco hotel???

      Whew...*takes a much needed breath*

      Humph, you must take full responsibility for your loathsome suggestions. You beast.

      And as for you, Sunny-go ahead and take this creature off my hands! I'll just bet you feel warm and fuzzy, gal! Off I go, then, to lick my OWN wounds...perchance to pout!

      Bye!!

      J/K, you know!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Sunny: And you should! For those who don't know, "hubamory" is a portmanteau. A combination of "Hubbers" + "polymory."

    • Sunny Robinson profile image

      Sunny Robinson 7 years ago from Tennessee

      Hahaha. I feel all warm and fuzzy now.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      On September 16th, 2010, Sunny Robinson coined the protmanteau, HUBAMORY.

    • Sunny Robinson profile image

      Sunny Robinson 7 years ago from Tennessee

      Holy crap. Someone needs to document this!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      lorlie: Ha! So the topic you brought up that you just thought I might have an interest in was "maybe I'll visit your hotel room." wink, wink. And you claim you didn't start it? Well, it doesn't matter who started it, does it? Yeah, I don't drink either...what a couple of boring folks we turned out to be. Maybe that's why we're sneakin around hotel hallways.

      Sunny: Hubamory! Ha, ha, ha, ha. I can state without a doubt that's the first time that word's been coined. A portmanteau!

    • Sunny Robinson profile image

      Sunny Robinson 7 years ago from Tennessee

      YAY. Hubamory? LOL.

      Okay, you two, there's plenty of me to go around. Really.

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      I'm already following her, so BACK OFF, mister!! :) And another thing, I did NOT start this. I merely brought up a topic CR might have some interest in. I am wonderful that way. CR just had to go nutz over the whole thing. MEN. Sheesh.

      Christoph, yes, I found the roofies. All is well. Do not concern yourself. I will administer the drugs as is appropriate. Anthony, I mean, my hubby, will be over and out, no doubt. Okay, now I'm babbling. And guess what? I don't even drink. How terribly sad, huh?

      I think I'll go read that hub now...Not sure I have.

      Bye, sweets!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Sunny: Hi ya, Tennessee! Sure, but we're equal opportunity HubFlirts. Hmmmm, NOMB, but, oh...never mind. And anyway, SHE started it! I'm just along for the ride.

      Ain't that right, Lorlie? (Did you find some roofies?) Oh, and by the way, you should read Sunny's hub, http://hubpages.com/hub/Is-Love-Still-Sacred-in-Po...

      Give you any ideas?

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Where on earth did you get THAT idea, Sunny?? I wouldn't dream of flirting on HP, hahaha...HUBFLIRT! YES, that's exactly what's up!

    • Sunny Robinson profile image

      Sunny Robinson 7 years ago from Tennessee

      Oh my god. Are you guys flirting with each other?

      HUBFLIRT!

      I like this crowd.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Hmmmm....maybe I WILL come.....

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      I'll bring them, don't worry that purty little head of yours, okay? LOL!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Lorlie: Well, wait until he's asleep. I'll slip a roofie in his cocktail! LOL No, I won't make it. I don't want to take off from my new job and I need the money that I can make instead. Property taxes are coming due. But just in case I change my mind, do you know where I can get some roofies?

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Great news, CR! It's a GOOD thing to like a job, don't you think?? :) All's pretty well with me-I'm presently trying to figure out how to get myself to HubCamp in San Fransisco next month. Lord, crossing the Sierras from Bishop is not so easy. I just can't bring myself to fly, and am having one helluva time deciding whether driving is cheaper than public transportation and Amtrak. What a pain!

      Since you asked, my prince, I'll also tell you that my damned hip is so screwed up that I'm not sure I SHOULD go at all! But I need to learn what they promise to teach, so I'll rub some dirt on the pain-my husband's favorite saying-and get my arse to the seminar.

      I NEED money-doesn't everyone?-so maybe they'll educate this old dog, what do you think???

      Take good care-hey, why don't YOU come to SF? Come on, maybe I'll visit your hotel room! :) Ha! Hubby's coming, too, so I'd better not!

      Bye for now!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      lorlie: Job went great. I like it. Hey, my page views need all the help they can get. How's things with you?

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      How'd the new job go? Hey, you like how I'm driving your page views sky high on this hub? Like you need my help!

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      yeah, squishy about sums it up. Oh, you went to my blog? I didn't do much this weekend, nothing exciting anyway. Start a new job tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that.

      Aw, I'll bet your a great GrandMom!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      All squishy inside? Hehe. I saw this one on your curmudgeon site. It's been a really fun weekend, Christoph-back to the grind tomorrow. Actually, it started for me tonight. Babysitting my new grandson. Great job, no pay or benefits. Aww, there are tons of benefits. ;)

      Gotta run!

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Actually, I'll probably go back to the one I've been using (not the cowboy hat) which is more of a drawing. It's kind of like my ID on all kinds of sites, incl. my blog. Or maybe the ugly baby for a day or so. Beth an I switching is a weekend joke, which was fun while it lasted. Except I feel so "girly," which makes me a little uncomfortable. LOL

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Hi Jack-perhaps you need a Mr. Potato Head set, then you can morph into anyone you want-within the Potato Head family of course, but don't forget, you can mix 'n match! Have loads of fun!

      Oh, and CR, I dare you. HA! But who on earth would choose me over Beth? Impossible...Harumph. I'm going to pout now.

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Lorlie: I guess not. Then maybe I'll morph into you!

      Jack: You can morph into a chicken.

    • Jack Crockett profile image

      Jack Crockett 7 years ago from Columbia, Missouri

      Can I morph into someone?

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      I can't be you forever, now can I? Though I certainly enjoyed myself, and may morph into you again at any time!

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      lorlie: That's okay. I like it when you yank me. Hey, you changed your pic! (I kind of liked the one with the cowboy hat! LOL)

      eventsyoudesign: Thank you Teresa.

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      eventsyoudesign 7 years ago from Nashville, Tennessee

      Good article. Great pictures. Love cats! Teresa

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      You betcha, babe.

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Oh, I see. Just being facetious, eh? Just yanking my chain, eh?

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      I know, dearest, just being facetious!

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      It's a saying, like tit for tat. When two people trade things of equal value and accept it as such, the trade is "even steven." Here, I offer proof: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/even-steven

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Who the hell's Steven?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      lorlie6: You can show me alright. Remember, we're trading even steven!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Shush, you rotten egg! Perhaps you should let your evil cat free reign...I'll show you...what? I have no idea!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      LORLIE: Huh? Messing with your head? What are you referring to? I'm afraid I don't understand. Maybe you need some sleep. Ha, ha!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      You're messing with my head at 2:30 am with the avatar trade, so HA! I'll just leave this itty bitty snippet to mess with yours.

      No comment at all!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      No, I'm not changing mine any time soon, it's the only picture of me that I like. I've thought of putting up photos of my dog, but then wouldn't that be implying that I'm a dawg?

      Anyhoo, I know we freaked out a number of underclassmen that year I was at Webster, but it was all in fun, and boy, as you said, those were the days!

      See you later, cowboy!

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Lorlie: Damn! I was running with the wrong crowd! But then, I probably would have had a heart attack if you and Martha Jean had come to my room. Now it would be a different story. I enjoy a party of three myself.

      I looked pretty much like that avatar, I guess, minus the cowboy hat and coat. That pic is about half way between then and now. I'm going to change it soon. it's the avatar I started with and I put it back on for my two year anniversary. If you don't like your avatar then change it. In fact, you could use a pic of you and Martha doing your thing. Ha! You better send it to me first for my approval though. (But...your avatar is just fine. You look cute so don't worry about it!)

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      My writing's been called worse than spam, so I guess I can deal with it. Well, it's quite possible that we...um...yeah. The afore mentioned Martha Jean and I made midnight 'calls' on unsuspecting male residents. Yes, together. We loved that 3 party sort of thing!

      Dear God, why am I am telling this to Roy Rogers? A travesty, I know, but here it is.

      Webster is a University? You're quite right, I'm sure I wouldn't recognize the place-it was so, well, cozy back then.

      You know, this isn't fair, Christoph-I can't place your face because of your avatar. Mine is plain as day. Not right, not right at all!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Wow! You don't suppose we...I mean that you and I...nah. Yes, that's where I first started studying those very same subjects! It was like a sexual playground. You probably could have been my tutor. And a blondish beauty! That would have been...um...educational. Ha! I was inexperienced, to say the least. It would be fair to assume that our paths crossed though, and we probably saw each other around. That's wild. You would hardly recognize the place today. It's now a University and has expanded in a big way. Lots of new modern buildings, but Loretto hall is still there. I think I would feel a Little forlorn if it were torn down. Too many memories and first experiences. I still have many friends from there.

      Anyway, your humongous comment was here, but it was marked as possible spam, which I guess is why you couldn't see it. I never knew that people couldn't see those till now.

      Well, nice to meet you too, Laurel!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Hey, where did my endless comment go?? If you didn't get it, let me know, I'll be back!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Pleased to know you, the name's Laurel. This is absolutely insane, my dear-I do believe I resided in that very same dorm. Everyone was into theater, except me, of course. If you remember a blondish young beauty who always carried a purple backpack, that would be me.

      My course of study? Premarital sex and popular culture. Just kidding about the sex, but I did my share of experimentation within the confines of Loretto Hall!

      My dear roommate, Martha Jean, was kicked out, too! While on a resoundingly creative LSD trip, she chose to decorate the walls of the cafeteria, I think, with multi-colored artistry.

      I did most of my time there off campus, trying on all sorts of hats-some still fit...

      HA! What an enormous trip this is!

      And about the chump, I think you started it, so you have to figure it out.

      Bye!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      lorlie: well, well, small world. So you were fudging about me looking familiar too? I lived in Loretto Hall, in the Theatre department. What were you studying in. After Webster kicked me out (no kidding) I got the hell out of Dodge too; first to Chicago then quickly to NY. We kind of did the opposite. You went from large to small and me vice versa.

      Oh, I'll bring on the chump alright! (I just have to figure out what that IS first.)

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      No way! Seriously, at Webster College? Heh heh. Well, I admit to have fudged a bit about seeing you and your pup then, but I was a student there in '79, honestly. I am from L.A., but as most younguns do, I got the hell outta proverbial Dodge. St. Louis seemed a reasonable choice.

      Bring on the chump, then, mister!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      lorlie: Holy Smokes! I was a student at Webster in '79. It was more like '90 when I was around there in the jeep with Elvis as I was doing a show at the rep, The Heidi Chronicles I think. So what gives? Are you from there?

      And what's this business of referring to me as a chump? Why...I'll give you a chump!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Jeeze, Christoph, I just knew that face of yours was somewhere in my past...around 1979? In Webster Groves? I remember you two in that Jeep.

      However, what I really came here to say is that Champers obviously senses that you are a chump, thus his shenanigans, his 'evil ways.'

      As you pointed out just above this comment, he may have your demise on his mind, but he's probably far too bored these days to do anything about it.

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Hi vicky_darla: I see you are new here. Just passing through or are you going to stick around for awhile? Anyone who leaves comments as thoughtful as this one would be most welcome here and get along famously!

      Yes, the evil beast still lives and he's still trying to kill me, but I don't think his heart is in it anymore. Now it's just a habit with him, like, "Oh yeah, that guy, aren't I supposed to be killing him?...hmmm, maybe later."

      Anyway, thank you for the great comment. If there's anything I can do to help you get acclimated here, let me know.

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Aw, shucks. Thank you, Beth, for your really kind words. Glad you got a laugh. Gawd, it was written so long ago. It does hold the distinction of having been stolen the most. it must have something going for it! ha! My cat is not as bad as he used to be, but he's still trying to kill me. Just tried a couple of minutes ago, as a matter of fact. Thanks again for your really sweet comment! You gave me a big Cheshire cat grin!

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      Beth100 7 years ago from Canada

      I never know what to expect when I read your articles. You're an awesome and talented writer. You have me feeling sad for you and for your dogs but at the same time, you have me rolling with laughter about the cats. Geez, just look at those scary photos! I'll never look at a cat the same way ever again!! (good thing I'm a dog person) :)

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Meow, Do they really take turns? I would think it would be a constant battle to see which was numero uno. I didn't mean you shouldn't read this (or you should read others) just that with the name "Meow" and this being a cat story...well, you get the pic.! Thanks!

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      meow48 7 years ago from usa

      i will check out your other stories, but being a current owner of three lovely queen cats, life gets really interesting es each day they all take turns being queen for the day, so to speak.

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Thanks Meow Meow! Figures you read this one. The cat's not as bad as he was, but he's still not an angel, if you follow. Fact is, I'm an animal lover. Glad you dropped in and spent a little time. Nice to meet you, by the way.

    • meow48 profile image

      meow48 7 years ago from usa

      I think i aged another year or two just to get to this, hee hee. having owned dogs and cats... what can i say... i laughed at your story... been there and done that came to my mind, as a tear caught too. animals make us human. what else can be said. loved this.

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      MysteryLady: Your Grandmother's cat sounds very determined, as is mine. When he wants to do something, he will do it, and will keep trying no matter how many times I thwart him or how I yell at him. He just won't give up.

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      mysterylady 89 7 years ago from Florida

      After my step-mother died, on a visit, I had to sleep in her bed. Her cat decided I was she. The cat could open the door and did, no matter how many times I threw her out. The cat insisted on bathing me! I finally gave up.

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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      Mysterylady: Thanks. I just read it for the 1st time since I don't remember. I do go on, don't I? Glad you had that reaction. Thanks for your flattering comment!

    • mysterylady 89 profile image

      mysterylady 89 7 years ago from Florida

      A great tale! You had me close to tears and then howling with laughter!