The Snorting Girl

I wish Hubpages had a audio track. Without it, I’m left with words to try to describe the syncopated rumblings that rattle the windows of my house every night and a good part of each day. It’s quite the paradox.

In the animal kingdom, children fear the big, smelly, snarling teethy monsters - at least they used to, before Shrek smashed that paradigm all to pieces (the ogre's the good guy; Prince Charming not so much, for those of you who haven't seen the series ... ) You expect these unsavory characters to snort, belch, fart, and otherwise display their auditory talent. There are simply some things you don't expect to go together in the natural world; however, such as nerds who wear leather jackets, half-mile tall buildings, and Björk.

Mine is not a story of good vs. bad, or scary vs. not. Rather, this is something for Miss Manners, who evidently still publishes her enigmatic gems. My sweet, docile, happy, friendly, good-natured Cavalier King Charles Spaniel ... how do I put this delicately ... snores like a sailor, snorts like a pig and routinely makes various throaty noises like a character from a Bela Lugosi film!

You certainly wouldn't expect it meeting her. Somewhere in the past she must've missed a few sessions of doggy etiquette. I still hold out hope that I can teach her to cover her mouth or at least say "excuse me," when an unmentionable noise emanates from her demure self.

So it got me to thinking, surely somewhere someone else has dealt with this conundrum in a satisfactory manner. For me, it's easy - I either tune it out - as if it were white noise, use her in and out breaths as a sort of zen rhythm, or simply shove earplugs into my twitching ears. Of course, my very best strategy has been to talk the kids into having her sleep in their rooms, and voilà - acoustic Xanadu!

Absent those solutions, I did a little research to find out the options one has for a rancorous pooch. Among those are:

1. Stop Snoring Sleep Apnea Snore Guard Mouthpiece. Nice thought, but convincing her to keep this awkward contraption between her jaws seems like a bit of a challenge.
2. Get rid of allergens, like dust, cigarette smoke, and animal hair from pets. I think she'd be a little self-conscious as a smooth-pate-Britney-wannabe, plus she seems to really enjoy her post-supper stogie.
3. Dog-snoring sites say that breeds with a shorter nose (brachycephalic) are more likely to have breathing problems. Therefore, I'm considering an appropriate plastic veterinary surgeon to augment her schnoz like this.
4. Lose weight. I suppose I should get back to running and going to the gym, but not sure how that's going to help my dog.
5. Learn to play the Australian aboriginal didgeridoo. Why didn't I think of this before? I'm ordering one today - with just a little duct tape and a restraint device, I'm sure I could convince her to wrap her little lips around the long plastic tube and blow to the tune of "how much is that doggy in the window?"

According to sources, some very notable people throughout history have been classic snorers, including Napolean, Winston Churchill, Franklin Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt, Grover Cleveland and Queen Victoria. Why someone would keep lists of this type escapes me - perhaps there are cracks in their tombstones as a result of snore quakes from the great beyond.

There are some whose laugh becomes so much more of a laugh when it tilts from chuckle to giggle, to belly laugh to snort. It's the snort to which the truly aspiring comedian aims.

For my sweet furry friend, it just adds to the richness of her character, something that reminds me she's there, in the darkness, comfortable and snug in the safety of her home. And a truly authentic home allows for flaws and imperfections that - like the concept of imperfect beauty embodied in wabi-sabi - represent what's truly meaningful in an abundant and satisfying life.