What to do if Your Cat is Trying to Kill You - Survival Tips.
A few years ago I came across a humorous website with tips on how to tell if your cat is trying to kill you. I thought it was quite funny… until I took a closer look at my own cats and realized that they’ve been trying to kill me for years. As it turns out, the 17 year old Siamese is quite devious and I feel fortunate to have survived as long as I have. Here are my tips for how to have a cat in the house and live to tell the tale.
Attack Method #1: Staring
What your cat does: You’ve probably noticed your cat sitting, staring intently at you. My cats will sometimes do this for very long periods of time. I believe this to be an attempt at mind control. If your cat is successful he will manipulate you into feeding him 8 times per day and turning on the water faucet every time he wants a drink.
How to protect yourself: Block yourself from his line of sight. I often use books or even my laptop as a screen. This is usually sufficient enough to cause my cats to give up. However, sometimes they relocate so as to get a better angle to continue staring at me. When this happens I usually leave the area altogether. Remember – your safety comes first. If you can’t get out of your cat’s line of sight then it is better to leave the room.
Attack Method #2: Tripping
What your cat does: Your cat will risk his own life by placing his body under your feet in an attempt to cause you to fall. Cats are smart and maximize their potential for success by waiting until you are carrying something bulky (like a laundry basket) or they will try to get you on the stairs. Or, better yet, they will try to get you while you are carrying a laundry basket on the stairs.
How to protect yourself: Wear sturdy shoes that have good grip. Remove high heels or shoes with no grip as soon as you enter the house. Practice shuffling as much as possible. Even if your cat is nowhere to be seen, be cautious when you move around the house – darting out from hidden locations is a common cat attack method. Hold onto the railing any time you use the stairs.
If you must carry items up and down the stairs, try to have a spotter on hand to watch out for the cat and hopefully deflect him from getting under your feet. If you live alone I recommend you wait to carry your laundry on the stairs until you’ve determined that your cat is otherwise occupied. Try distracting him with food. If all else fails, you can shut your cat up in a room but this is likely to make him angry and he’ll only double his efforts to get you later.
Attack Method #3: The Immobilizing Nerve Pinch
What your cat does: Have you ever noticed that your 8 pound ball of fur has the ability to apply what feels like a million pounds of pressure using just a single paw? They like to use this talent in very devious ways. For example, your cat will wait until you are dozing on the couch, leap up next to you and then strategically place a single paw on your leg or abdomen, pressing down in a most painful way. When caught they pretend that they were just hoping to climb onto your lap. What they are really doing is attempting to locate a pressure point so they can use it to immobilize you.
How to protect yourself: Never let your guard down. If you feel that you are getting sleepy I recommend locating your cat and placing him on your lap before you doze off. Once all four paws are on your lap your cat will lose the ability to apply the same amount of force. Plus he’ll know you are on to him.
Attack Method #4: Mind Games
What your cat does: Your cat is smarter, faster, quieter and more devious than you. He knows this. And he uses this to his advantage. Ever see your cat sitting peacefully on a chair, then walk down the hall and into another room… only to realize your cat is there?! But wasn’t he just on a chair in another room? Ha! His ninja-like skills allowed him to figure out where you were going and get there first without you noticing. He is attempting to make you think you’ve lost your mind.
How to protect yourself: If you are feeling up to it, you can fight fire with fire by attempting mind games on your cat. For example, if you bought a new bed for your cat to sleep in instead of sleeping in your favorite recliner, show him the bed and tell him that under no circumstances is he to use it. Forbid him to go near it. I guarantee you he’ll be sleeping in it the very first chance he gets. He THINKS he has outsmarted you, which might make him more careless in the future, giving you an advantage (albeit a small one).
Attack Method #5: Projectile Shedding
What your cat does: Your cat is able to sense when you are wearing your dressy black pants, and is able to get cat hair all over them without ever actually touching you. His goal is to frustrate and possibly humiliate you.
How to protect yourself: Sadly, short of waiting until you’ve left the house to put on your pants, there really is no way to protect yourself. I recommend you invest in several sticky rollers and use them often to remove the cat hair.
Attack Method #6: Vomiting
What your cat does: Although sometimes vomiting is a sign of illness and should be checked by your veterinarian, cats are quite capable of using vomit to kill you. The following is a true story that happened to me recently. My Siamese hid in the hallway outside of the kitchen until he saw that I was pouring myself a cup of coffee. While my back was turned he silently and strategically vomited a clear, virtually invisible liquid onto the linoleum and then darted away. I started to walk across the kitchen, stepped in the vomit, slipped and fell, twisting my ankle and flinging hot coffee all across the room. He very nearly succeeded in killing me!
How to protect yourself: Always look very carefully all around you before taking a step. Walk slowly and carefully. Try not to carry hot liquids.
Bottom line - never let your defenses down when there is a cat in the house. Ever. And lest you think you can count on the family dog for protection, think again. Your cats can manipulate the dog into assisting them in their effort to kill you. Case in point, I twisted the same ankle a few months ago when the dog pulled me into the ditch on our daily walk. This was part a concerted plot against me and I have the proof: