ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

What to do if Your Cat is Trying to Kill You - Survival Tips.

Updated on August 14, 2012
It might look like my cat is just lounging around, but the truth is, he's plotting to kill me.
It might look like my cat is just lounging around, but the truth is, he's plotting to kill me. | Source

A few years ago I came across a humorous website with tips on how to tell if your cat is trying to kill you. I thought it was quite funny… until I took a closer look at my own cats and realized that they’ve been trying to kill me for years. As it turns out, the 17 year old Siamese is quite devious and I feel fortunate to have survived as long as I have. Here are my tips for how to have a cat in the house and live to tell the tale.

Attack Method #1: Staring

What your cat does: You’ve probably noticed your cat sitting, staring intently at you. My cats will sometimes do this for very long periods of time. I believe this to be an attempt at mind control. If your cat is successful he will manipulate you into feeding him 8 times per day and turning on the water faucet every time he wants a drink.

How to protect yourself: Block yourself from his line of sight. I often use books or even my laptop as a screen. This is usually sufficient enough to cause my cats to give up. However, sometimes they relocate so as to get a better angle to continue staring at me. When this happens I usually leave the area altogether. Remember – your safety comes first. If you can’t get out of your cat’s line of sight then it is better to leave the room.

Wrapping around your feet the moment you walk through the door is one of many methods cats use to try to trip their owners.
Wrapping around your feet the moment you walk through the door is one of many methods cats use to try to trip their owners. | Source

Attack Method #2: Tripping

What your cat does: Your cat will risk his own life by placing his body under your feet in an attempt to cause you to fall. Cats are smart and maximize their potential for success by waiting until you are carrying something bulky (like a laundry basket) or they will try to get you on the stairs. Or, better yet, they will try to get you while you are carrying a laundry basket on the stairs.

How to protect yourself: Wear sturdy shoes that have good grip. Remove high heels or shoes with no grip as soon as you enter the house. Practice shuffling as much as possible. Even if your cat is nowhere to be seen, be cautious when you move around the house – darting out from hidden locations is a common cat attack method. Hold onto the railing any time you use the stairs.

If you must carry items up and down the stairs, try to have a spotter on hand to watch out for the cat and hopefully deflect him from getting under your feet. If you live alone I recommend you wait to carry your laundry on the stairs until you’ve determined that your cat is otherwise occupied. Try distracting him with food. If all else fails, you can shut your cat up in a room but this is likely to make him angry and he’ll only double his efforts to get you later.

Attack Method #3: The Immobilizing Nerve Pinch

What your cat does: Have you ever noticed that your 8 pound ball of fur has the ability to apply what feels like a million pounds of pressure using just a single paw? They like to use this talent in very devious ways. For example, your cat will wait until you are dozing on the couch, leap up next to you and then strategically place a single paw on your leg or abdomen, pressing down in a most painful way. When caught they pretend that they were just hoping to climb onto your lap. What they are really doing is attempting to locate a pressure point so they can use it to immobilize you.

How to protect yourself: Never let your guard down. If you feel that you are getting sleepy I recommend locating your cat and placing him on your lap before you doze off. Once all four paws are on your lap your cat will lose the ability to apply the same amount of force. Plus he’ll know you are on to him.

He's acting like he's been lying here all day, but the truth is he was upstairs in the bedroom with me less than two minutes earlier.
He's acting like he's been lying here all day, but the truth is he was upstairs in the bedroom with me less than two minutes earlier. | Source

Attack Method #4: Mind Games

What your cat does: Your cat is smarter, faster, quieter and more devious than you. He knows this. And he uses this to his advantage. Ever see your cat sitting peacefully on a chair, then walk down the hall and into another room… only to realize your cat is there?! But wasn’t he just on a chair in another room? Ha! His ninja-like skills allowed him to figure out where you were going and get there first without you noticing. He is attempting to make you think you’ve lost your mind.

How to protect yourself: If you are feeling up to it, you can fight fire with fire by attempting mind games on your cat. For example, if you bought a new bed for your cat to sleep in instead of sleeping in your favorite recliner, show him the bed and tell him that under no circumstances is he to use it. Forbid him to go near it. I guarantee you he’ll be sleeping in it the very first chance he gets. He THINKS he has outsmarted you, which might make him more careless in the future, giving you an advantage (albeit a small one).

Attack Method #5: Projectile Shedding

What your cat does: Your cat is able to sense when you are wearing your dressy black pants, and is able to get cat hair all over them without ever actually touching you. His goal is to frustrate and possibly humiliate you.

How to protect yourself: Sadly, short of waiting until you’ve left the house to put on your pants, there really is no way to protect yourself. I recommend you invest in several sticky rollers and use them often to remove the cat hair.

Waiting for a strategic moment to vomit.
Waiting for a strategic moment to vomit. | Source

Attack Method #6: Vomiting

What your cat does: Although sometimes vomiting is a sign of illness and should be checked by your veterinarian, cats are quite capable of using vomit to kill you. The following is a true story that happened to me recently. My Siamese hid in the hallway outside of the kitchen until he saw that I was pouring myself a cup of coffee. While my back was turned he silently and strategically vomited a clear, virtually invisible liquid onto the linoleum and then darted away. I started to walk across the kitchen, stepped in the vomit, slipped and fell, twisting my ankle and flinging hot coffee all across the room. He very nearly succeeded in killing me!

How to protect yourself: Always look very carefully all around you before taking a step. Walk slowly and carefully. Try not to carry hot liquids.

Summary

Bottom line - never let your defenses down when there is a cat in the house. Ever. And lest you think you can count on the family dog for protection, think again. Your cats can manipulate the dog into assisting them in their effort to kill you. Case in point, I twisted the same ankle a few months ago when the dog pulled me into the ditch on our daily walk. This was part a concerted plot against me and I have the proof:

I caught these three plotting against me.  I expect this sort of thing from the cats but was saddened to see that the dog had joined the dark side.
I caught these three plotting against me. I expect this sort of thing from the cats but was saddened to see that the dog had joined the dark side. | Source

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • jpcmc profile image

      JP Carlos 4 years ago from Quezon CIty, Phlippines

      It's good to know these killing techniques so we can protect ourselves. I use a laser pointer to keep them distracted. Works every time. Research shows that a moving red dot on the floor can reduce cat-related death rates by as much as 82%.

      Voted up!

    • bridalletter profile image

      Brenda Kyle 4 years ago from Blue Springs, Missouri, USA

      Either way, I love cats. We have 4 in our household. I have seen those plotting methods, I recently felt the claw in my hand that left a bleeding hole. Cute hub.

    • Craig Hartranft profile image

      Craig Hartranft 4 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

      As my dog would concur ... cats are a menace to society ... need to do a seal team six on them ...

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks jpcmc! I love the laser pointer idea! When it comes to cats you can never be too careful! :o)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks bridalletter! I love my cats too, even though they are trying to kill me. Funny how they manage that!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Craig! Oh I don't know... what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right? ;o)

    • dwachira profile image

      [ Danson Wachira ] 4 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

      Luckily, my cat has not tried to do anything like that but i will remember these tips if anything like that happens. Voted up.

    • dghbrh profile image

      deergha 4 years ago from ...... a place beyond now and beyond here !!!

      i don have a cat but your tips are definitely worth remembering for emergency case....:-)

    • sapphire99336 profile image

      sapphire99336 4 years ago from Kennewick, WA

      Hilarious! I love my cats even though they are trying to kill me.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL...very, very funny, but scary at the same time....because I sense that cats have a purpose to their evilness. Great hub!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks dwachira! Yes, do keep an eye on your cat - they're sneaky!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks for reading dghbrh! It is always best to be on guard, even around other people's cats. ;o)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Sapphire! Funny how they are able to get us to love them even though they are planning our demise!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Billybuc! One day cats will rule the universe - I have no doubt that's why we are in their crosshairs. ;o)

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 4 years ago from Canada

      Jenn, are you trying to kill me by making me choke on my coffee?? This is so hilarious and I will have to share this, in order to help save my fellow humans. My alien cat, Jo, is especially devious in the way that she always manages to stand exactly in front of me at least once a day. She seems so nice but I appreciate your words of warning! HA HA! (voted up, more and shared!)

    • MelChi profile image

      Melanie Chisnall 4 years ago from Cape Town, South Africa

      LOL!!! This was hilarious! I'm also a cat owner of two girls and my goodness, but they are manipulative! Their favourites are trying to trip us, staring holes through us and shedding their fur on our black clothes! They also take great delight in throwing up all over a freshly cleaned blanket or on the carpet rather than the tiles that is a mere two steps away! I swear they do it deliberately! They do all this, and have us completely hypnotized to giving into their every whim. I don't know how they do it... Great article!! :)

    • DzyMsLizzy profile image

      Liz Elias 4 years ago from Oakley, CA

      Hahaha.. And we have the nerve to live with 6 of these devious creatures! It is a daily battle to remain standing on two feet!

      I have one who is guilty of explosive shedding; one who coughs up daily hairballs where you are most likely to step while not wearing shoes, resulting in an impromptu jig that is hazardous to life and limb; and one whose favorite ploy is to lie in the middle of the hall, feign sleep, then, just as you are stepping over the top of him, he gets up and stretches, so that you trip over him in mid-stride.

      I tell you, it is dangerous over here!

      Well done--shared, voted up and funny!

    • kissayer profile image

      Kristy Sayer 4 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Oh my goodness, this may just be the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. My fiancé is convinced we need a cat - but I'm sending him this because it'll be too much work to keep a murderous cat at bay ;P

    • Daughter Of Maat profile image

      Melissa Flagg 4 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      lmao we have 6 cats and everyone of them is totally trying to kill us. Our cats prefer to attempt to trip us. Especially the females. The boys use vomit.

      These are some great tips for outsmarting your cat... A very necessary hub all cat owners should read!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks PrariePrincess! Isn't it crazy how they are consantly underfoot? I've warned them repeatedly that if they kill me they will starve as no one else in the family is likely to feed them, but they won't listen.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks MelChi! Oh yes, I have watched my cats run across the linoleum in order to get to the carpet so they can throw up on it. They are soooo devious!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks DzyMsLizzy! Ah the old stretch-and-trip. I'm quite familiar with that one! They also like to do that at night when you are trying to get to the bathroom without turning the light on.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Kissayer! Yes, make sure your fiancé is aware of what he's getting the two of you into with a cat. It could be quite dangerous! ;o)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Daughter of Maat! Oh my goodness - SIX?!?! I'm in awe! Wow! Be sure you check in regularly with your family and friends so they know you are OK!

    • Amaryllis profile image

      Lesley Charalambides 4 years ago from New Hampshire

      I thought it was just me. I was convinced my cat was homicidal, but others thought he was cute. Now I know I wasn't making it all up!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Hi Amaryllis! Nope, it is definitely not just you! Don't you love when cats pull the cuteness card and everyone thinks they are so sweet and cuddly? But we know the truth!!!

    • Entourage_007 profile image

      Stuart 4 years ago from Santa Barbara, CA

      Haha, great hub, my cat likes to keep me from sleeping by meowing and with allergies. But she is such a sweetheart

    • DzyMsLizzy profile image

      Liz Elias 4 years ago from Oakley, CA

      LOL @ MelChi--- Every now and then, I am lucky enough to catch one about to upchuck on the carpet (or even in the kitchen)..and I grab them and escort them post-haste to the litter box, where I hold their head over the edge until they are done with the deed. ... For thanks, I get an evil stare. I can't seem to train them to use the "toilet" for that....(I once had a dog that learned to 'ask out' if he needed to puke....) ...

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Entourage! Ah yes, Sleep Depravation Torture! I'd nearly forgotten about that one. ;o)

    • DzyMsLizzy profile image

      Liz Elias 4 years ago from Oakley, CA

      Oh, my gosh--yes..the old sleep deprivation! I suffer that nightly at the hands ... errrrrrrr ..... paws of at least 2 of ours.... and sometimes 3 or 4 of them gang up on me. ;-)

    • Rene62 profile image

      Rene 4 years ago from Saint Paul, Minnesota

      Every morning my cat is waiting at the top of the stairs when I get my first cup of the day. She's a clever one. She's looking at me now. I wonder what she's thinking? Hmmm...

    • Sally's Trove profile image

      Sherri 4 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

      Hysterically funny, but so true. What insights you have, Jenn-Anne. Although I am a cat lover, I've always felt a bit stalked by my cats. You know, that creepy feeling you get that makes you think someone's staring at you? Well, now I know that feeling isn't my imagination. I've seen the light...they ARE trying to kill me. Up, funny, shared all over the place. :)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Hi Rene! Your cat wants you to think that she's happy to see you but really she's probably checking to see how wobbly you are on the stairs and assessing the best method for tripping you. Be careful - be very careful! ;o)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks so much Sally! It's rather frightening how devious cats can be, especially once you know what to look for! Fortunately, you now have the necessary tools to properly protect yourself. ;o)

    • profile image

      chrisinhawaii 4 years ago

      Oh man, that was TOO funny. I gotta share this with my wife; she'll love it.

      And don't take this the wrong way, but cats would never welcome a dog into their inner circle. I'm afraid your dog is merely a pawn in this little game of Cat and Mouse. Once they've used him to accomplish their twisted deed, Fido's a goner...

      Aloha!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Chris! Oh the cats totally beat on the dog. He is completely under their control. And you are very right that when they are done with him they will discard him like an old gum wrapper. So sad! ;o)

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Oh my God! that was hilarious! the Immobilizing Nerve Pinch brought back so many memories! haha! and the vomit, need I say more? you poor thing! lol! My brothers cat always waited for someone to go to the bathroom then proceeded to push the door open, climb on the side of the bath and do a kamikaze sideways flip into it, especially if there was bathwater in it! haha! loved this, voted up! nell

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Nell! Oh my goodness - the bathroom! It is as if they know the area is ripe for household "accidents" and they are determined to take advantage. Any time I'm in the bathroom they push the door open if I've been careless enough not to latch it all the way. Or they lurk just outside, hoping to dart in the moment I open the door in the hopes they'll be able to trip me! Honestly, I don't know how the human race has survived in the face of such wiley persistence!

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

      A wonderful hub and thanks you for sharing.

      Eddy

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks so much Eddy!

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 4 years ago from Singapore

      This was so funny, Jenn Anne! I like the mind games section the best. It sure feels good to outsmart the cat for once! Thanks for sharing, and the pics of your lovely dog and cats are beautiful!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Midget! Yes, there's quite a lot of pet activity going on at my house. Fortunately the dog is pretty harmless most of the time. It's those cats you have to watch out for.

    • chasmac profile image

      chasmac 4 years ago from UK

      This confirms the old saying that "Dogs have masters; Cats have staff." You've been a faithful and loyal servant for 17 years, but if you've been seeing more attempts on your life recently, it could be a case of "time for some new staff around here" - which is really adding insult to injury.

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 4 years ago from Houston, Texas

      Hahahahahaha! This is so funny! Ah...but the more I think about it, I think that our cats are using some of the same methods. I will have to start being more careful! Tweeted and shared! :)

    • Stephanie Henkel profile image

      Stephanie Henkel 4 years ago from USA

      Still laughing even though my cat tries to kill me daily by dashing into a room to get under my feet while I'm removing hot casseroles from the oven or carrying laundry. He's even learned to give out an excruciating yowl when I stand next to him pretending that I've stepped on his tail so that I'll jump back into a table or stove...Now the vomiting trick --thanks for the heads-up! Voted up, funny, useful and everything else! Pinned, too.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      You can never be too careful Peggy! LOL! Thanks so much for reading and sharing!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Stephanie! Oh yes, beware the strategically placed vomit. It is an unusual but strategic weapon.

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      I am so relieved I read this hub. All this time I thought cats were just cute fluffy animals, but now I know the truth. I will make sure to share this hub with others. You are really saving a lot of lives with this hub. Thank goodness the cats haven't figured out how to login to your HubPages account or none of us would be reading this right now!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Jeannie! You are so right - if cats could log onto computers we'd all be in a world of hurt!

    • scottcgruber profile image

      scottcgruber 4 years ago from USA

      You might want to put Matthew Inman's new book (http://theoatmeal.com/kill) in your Amazon capsule, since his Oatmeal comic was the inspiration for your hub. And to thank him for warning you of your cats' murderous schemes before they came to fruition.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Scott - that's a great idea!

    • Shaddie profile image

      Shaddie 4 years ago from Washington state

      A dog is weak minded and will often agree to feline trickery if they convince him it's for the greater good.

    • BeyondGS profile image

      BeyondGS 4 years ago from Ohio

      A cat we had for a while liked to wait until you were going down the stairs to get under your feet. I guess some cats catch on faster than others. Thanks for the tips, I'll keep these in mind...

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      So true Shaddie! That's why you can't expect to get any help from the dog when it comes to protecting yourself from the cat.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks for reading BeyondGS! Yes, attempting to kill you on the stairs is a common cat assassination method. What my cats don't seem to understand is that if they kill me off there will be no one left to feed them.

    • seanorjohn profile image

      seanorjohn 4 years ago

      This explainswhy my two cats his explain walk all over me and keep walking on my computer keyboard. I knew itb wasn't me making the typo's. Voted up and spooky. I mean interesting.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Seanorjohn! I think cats are trying to program our computers to harm us - they think we won't notice if they act like they are just being friendly while we're working. But we know better.

    • gail641 profile image

      Gail Louise Stevenson 4 years ago from Mason City

      Great advice! I have two female cats that don't get along with each other, so I have to keep an eye on them. You do have to watch out for them, so that they don't get under your feet and trip you. That would be a hazard. I hope you ankle is better. Nice photos of your cats and dog. Very funny and interesting hub.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Gail! So true - cats routinely try to take each other out. Just be careful - even mortal enemies will band together to try to bump off unsuspecting owners! Stay safe!

    • sgbrown profile image

      Sheila Brown 4 years ago from Southern Oklahoma

      This is a great hub! I love it! Cats are a very sneaky animal. My cat used to wait until I was on the couch and just about to dose, when she would jump up onto the back of the couch and swat at my hair! I know she was trying to give me a heart attack and it almost worked, many times! Voting this up and funny! :)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks sgbrown! And I bet your cat tried to pretend like she was just being your stylist. Thank goodness you know better! Stay safe!

    • rumour profile image

      rumour 4 years ago from Atlanta and Canada

      LOL LOL LOL- sharing with my boyfriend who's going to think this is serious and won't be able to sleep now!

    • Lane Reno profile image

      Lane Reno 4 years ago

      This is hilarious! Yeah, I know about all these tactics--they've happened to me, too. I just love those kitty-cats!!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Lane! Both cats tried to kill me at the same time this morning (on the stairs) but for some reason I still love them. It's crazy how they are able to do that!

    • Denise Handlon profile image

      Denise Handlon 4 years ago from North Carolina

      Ha ha! Great strategy here, Jenn-Anne. UP and Funny. :)

    • Sherry Hewins profile image

      Sherry Hewins 4 years ago from Sierra Foothills, CA

      That's so funny, this exact title occurred to me last night, because my cat is constantly trying to kill me. His chosen method is to trip me while I am carrying something down the stairs. He's constantly attacking my feet and biting my ankles. I have 2 cats, but only one of them has it in for me.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Denise! Stay safe!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Sherry! Yes, the stairs is a real favorite with my cats as well. We were moving furniture into the basement yesterday and were forced to lock up both cats because they gleefully seized the opportunity to take out multiple people at once. Of course now they are angry that they were locked up so I expect full-on retaliation at some point today.

    • Charu Bhatnagar profile image

      Charu Bhatnagar 4 years ago from India

      Funny and nice! :)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks for reading Charu! Stay safe!

    • Denmarkguy profile image

      Peter Messerschmidt 4 years ago from Port Townsend

      Love it! Thanks for the laughs! We have three cats living in this house, and they regularly try to kill us by tripping us on the stairs...

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Denmarkguy! The stairs really are their favorite place to try to kill us. With three cats you need to be extra careful. Stay safe!

    • howlermunkey profile image

      Jeff Boettner 4 years ago from Tampa, FL

      Your title made me laugh out loud (and almost spill my coffee). Solid advice here, especially how to handle the "Nerve Pinch" Thanks for the good morning start.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks howlermunkey! Just be careful where you spit your coffee - if your cats think you are spitting at them they will double their efforts! Stay safe!

    • onegreenparachute profile image

      Carol 4 years ago from Greenwood, B.C., Canada

      Too funny!! I recognize many of these dangerous moves - especially the 'one paw pressure point'. As my cat is a very large Maine Coon I think he's actually trying for a lung-crushing move.

      Thanks for the warnings and the tips!!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Onegreenparachute! My mom has a Maine Coon as well - they might well deserve a separate hub of their own as their size allows them to use an additional set of techniques that regular cats aren't equipped for. Using their heads as battering rams would be one example. Stay safe out there!

    • Sharkye11 profile image

      Jayme Kinsey 4 years ago from Oklahoma

      Hilarious! And very true. My husband's cat uses all of these tricks. We don't have stairs, mercifully. But she has learned that if she runs at full speeds and head-butts on the ankle bone hard enough to leave bruises then we will fall even on flat ground. Her favorite method of inducing heart attacks is to wait until late at night when the house is very quiet...then she will jump onto counters or shelves and knock of the noisiest item. It has the added benefit of terrifying the outside dogs. Which adds sleep-deprivation to the list of tortures we endure. Yesterday, she hid in the bathtub and attacked my husband when he opened the shower curtain. Cruel...and effective. Cats are bizarre. Loved this hub!

    • torrilynn profile image

      torrilynn 4 years ago

      Hi Jenn-Anne,

      haha very funny hub I must

      admit that you have some really great tips

      and suggestions throughout your article.

      that really helped me to laugh.

      voted up

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Sharkye! Goodness - you certainly live life on the edge with such a crafty and determined cat in your house! Sleep deprivation is a special favorite of cats as it wears you down and allows some of their other attack methods to be more effective.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks so much Torrilyn!

    • profile image

      Durga 4 years ago

      This is the height of human fear! Horrible

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Indeed Durga! Warn your family and friends!

    • Jmillis2006 profile image

      Jmillis2006 4 years ago from North Carolina

      My cat has patented the technique of waiting until every one is almost asleep and then begin to run across the furniture in the bedroom as loud as possiable and also running around the skirt of the bed sidways half of the night. I believe his plan is to deprive us of sleep , thus slowing our reflexes and increasing the chances that other forms of attack will be sucssesful. great hub , very funny and true.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks JMillis! Oh yes, sleep deprivation is a common form of attack and you are correct that it combines nicely with other attack methods in that we're more vulnerable when we're tired. Stay safe!

    • Aiysha17 profile image

      Aiysha Jebali 4 years ago from UK

      This was really amusing! I didn't just laugh, I snorted lol in a coffee house, no less!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks so much Aiysha! Hope you didn't snort coffee out your nose - ouch! :o)

    • Teresa Schultz profile image

      Teresa Schultz 4 years ago from East London, in South Africa

      What a delightful read; I can almost hear the cats and dog plotting, too! (Shh, here she comes; act normal.) Well done. Voting up and funny, and sharing with my HubPages followers.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks so much Teresa! The cats think they are being very stealthy, but once you know what to look for it's pretty easy to tell when they are plotting something. Stay on your guard and you should be able to stay a step ahead!

    • Teresa Schultz profile image

      Teresa Schultz 4 years ago from East London, in South Africa

      Yep, rather a step ahead of the cats than a step almost on the cats and fall over :) I'll be careful; thanks.

    • Jordan Hake profile image

      Jordan Hake 4 years ago from Southwest Missouri, USA

      I started this article expecting something funny but I was surprised to learn the horrible truth: my cat is trying to kill me too!

      I shall sleep easier, though for knowing my danger. ;)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Jordan! You are right - it sounds funny but in truth it exposes an important reality. Glad to know that you are able to take steps to secure your safety!

    • Hendrika profile image

      Hendrika 4 years ago from Pretoria, South Africa

      How I wish I had a cat to practise your tips on! Our 20 year old died and we are not allowed to get a new one in the complex we live. When we move, I am sure to get a cat and make very sure I memorize everyone of your tips.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Hendrika! Sorry you won't be able to get a new cat right now. Try to enjoy this time free from attempts on your life. And when you are ready for a new feline in the house, just make sure you stay on your guard. Good luck!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 4 years ago from USA

      Oh this is so cute! Right now I am struggling with my four-legged editorial consultant walking on my keyboard and shutting the computer down at inopportune moments. The are conniving little devils. Thank you for exposing their wicked little ways. I always knew dogs were in on it. I would love to link this to my hub on How to Live Your Best Life: Lessons Learned From Cats. Brilliant job!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks FlourishAnyway! Oh yes, you have to stay on your guard because cats are soooo good at putting on the innocent act. Thanks for the link! Love your hub!

    • Sally's Trove profile image

      Sherri 4 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

      I enjoyed this hub a lot. You've got great insight into how beloved cats are going to kill you, no matter how much they really do love you.

      I'll just add one more cat tactic designed to kill.

      I had a cat for 16 years who self-stimmed. He'd lick and lick and lick my hand, get himself worked up over it, and then decide to bite. Lovely lick turns to bitter bite. It took me a few years to effectively anticipate when he'd turn from pleasure to pain. Thankfully, he and I worked it out before he died. *sigh*

      Super hub! Put a smile on my face.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 4 years ago

      Thanks Sally's Trove! One of my cats likes to bite too. I think they get frustrated when their plans fail and try to go for a direct assault instead. Glad you were able to negotiate a truce!

    • moonlake profile image

      moonlake 3 years ago from America

      I love your cats and your hub. We have three cats. We just found a way to keep them under control. We adopted a little 5 month old Chihuahua and he keeps our cats in line. In fact I'm trying to figure out a way to stop him from terrorizing our poor cats. If they would only stand their ground he would run away from them. Voted up and shared.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Thanks Moonlake! I must admit I'm concerned. Either your cats will take offense to this new interloper and will redouble their efforts to kill you, or they will wait for him to mature and them recruit him to join their side. Either way, be on your guard! LOL!

    • Writer Fox profile image

      Writer Fox 3 years ago from the wadi near the little river

      You had me at the title. Vote up!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Thanks Writer Fox! Stay safe!

    • thoughtfulgirl2 profile image

      thoughtfulgirl2 3 years ago from East Coast

      Funny hub, yup, everyday mine try to kill me:)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Thanks Thoughtfulgirl2! Just stay alert and never let your guard down!

    • PhoenixV profile image

      PhoenixV 3 years ago from USA

      I got my cat "Lecter" from the pound or animal control, recently. They wheeled him out on a dolly and he was wearing a face muzzle of sorts. I just assumed it was the shelter's policies. Should I be concerned?

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Good question! Since even the most innocent-looking cat is guaranteed to be trying to kill you, I'd say you are definitely in trouble - even more so if you also adopted Lecter's brother Hannibal. LOL!

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 3 years ago from Wales

      A great read and voted up for sure. I now look forward to many more by you.

      Eddy.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Thanks so much Eddy! Stay safe out there!

    • alexadry profile image

      Adrienne Janet Farricelli 3 years ago from USA

      This was really a fun read, of all the cats I had, all of them did the tripping trick, and one cat caused my mom to fall one day and hurt her wrist. Voted up!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Thanks Alexadry! When it comes to cats, you can't be too careful. Sadly, the siamese featured in some of the photos passed away last month. He really was the mastermind of mayhem, but I do still have to watch out for the orange cat as he is doing his best to take up the slack. LOL!

    • profile image

      Kelly 3 years ago

      Sorry for your loss Jenn-Anne! Be sure to remain on guard though because now your orange cat will be doubling up on it's efforts. Be especially wary at all times. It may help to stock up on distractions such as catnip toys & extra tasty treats. Keep them in your pockets for self defense especially on laundry day. As u sense an attack, toss one in the air & run. Good luck!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Thank you so much Kelly! I am definitely on the look-out. The orange cat has been extra affectionate recently, which I take as a warning sign. LOL!

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 3 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      OMG, my cats do all these things. I turn the water faucet on all day long. I carry their hair to work and everywhere else I go. They try to kill me all the time as they rush up to walk in front of me when I move. Funny, adorable. hub. :-)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Thanks Victoria! Yep, your cats have been stealthily trying to kill you for years! Glad your eyes have been opened. Stay safe out there!

    • PegCole17 profile image

      Peg Cole 3 years ago from Dallas, Texas

      This was cute and really funny. It never occurred to me that cats were intentionally trying to kill us. The pressure point thing is so true. Your first picture of the orange tabby caught my attention as a feral cat that looks like him recently found our house. I feel much safer now that he's found a forever home with someone else in a distant neighborhood.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Thanks so much Peg! I'm relieved to hear that the kitty who had been casing your home has been safely relocated. Hopefully his new family is taking the proper precautions!

    • Greensleeves Hubs profile image

      Greensleeves Hubs 3 years ago from Essex, UK

      I've never yet spent even one day in a hospital bed. I've also never kept a cat. Now I know the two are related.

      I have kept pet fish in the past, but I kept them in a container of water. They couldn't escape and terrorise me. Maybe you should keep the cats in a container of water?? :-) Voted up. Alun.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Thanks Alun! I'm afraid keeping cats in a container of water would be extremely dangerous as they become even more volatile when wet! However, I appreciate the suggestion!

    • JC Kidder profile image

      JC Kidder 3 years ago from Vilas North Carolina

      Я люблю статью!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Спасибо JC! :o)

    • joedolphin88 profile image

      Joe 3 years ago from north miami FL

      Very funny hub I like the concept here.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 3 years ago

      Thanks so much joedolphin88! Be careful out there!

    • Snakesmum profile image

      Jean DAndrea 2 years ago from Victoria, Australia

      My cat probably has these ideas too, but I try to wear her out by playing with her as much as possible. So far, it seems to be working...... :-)

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 2 years ago

      Distraction is a good idea Snakesmum, but watch out - eventually they catch on. Thanks for reading!

    • profile image

      greeneyedblondie 2 years ago

      My cat ignores me. I guess he doesn't care enough to try to kill me. Haha.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 2 years ago

      Hi Greeneyedblondie! Do not fall for the whole "I don't know you exist" trick. Cats use this to give you a false sense of security. Rest assured, you are at risk! Stay safe and thanks for reading!

    • profile image

      MellanieMarie 2 years ago

      Cute, love the "how too protect yourself." Well written!

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 2 years ago

      Thanks MellanieMarie!

    • profile image

      Tex 2 years ago

      Good stuff.

    • Jenn-Anne profile image
      Author

      Jenn-Anne 2 years ago

      Thanks Tex! Stay safe!

    Click to Rate This Article