My bunny hates me, and you can too...
I love my bunny and she hates my guts.
Diary of a rabbit owner. Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is true. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, because frankly I don't care.
(This is an actual picture of my bunny. This is what she would do with my foot if I left her out while I was sleeping.)
Entry 1: The Beginning
I recently adopted a male dwarf mix rabbit I named Bunbun and have begun searching for a companion for him. Bunbun is a happy little guy, and while he's not a lap rabbit, he and I get along super. I love him dearly and want nothing more than to give him the best life a bunny could have. I have decided that getting him a mate is sure to help him live a happy and fulfilling life. I have done plenty of research on rabbit bonding and I am ready to take the next step. Getting Bunbun a hunbun has become my number one priority. More soon.
(In this photo: Bunbun, chillin like magellan.)
Entry 2: You had me from hello.
Eureka! I have found her. After a lengthy pilgrimage all over the vast and dangerous Ventura and Los Angeles Counties, I have returned home victorious. She is small and all black with the exception of the bottom of her feet which are grey and she is a Netherland Dwarf rabbit. My husband has stripped Bunbun of the title of cutest animal in the world and given it to the new bunny. I instantly have given my love to her and so far she seems indifferent to my affection. We will see what progress I can make in the weeks ahead.
(In this photo: The heart is where her love for me would be if she had any.)
Entry 3: A New Name
Having harnessed my quick wit and master rabbit naming skills once before, it has not taken me long to settle on a name for our newest addition. Little Bun. I know its hard to believe someone could come up with such an awesome name, but try not to be too jealous. I have realized that Little Bun is a very different bunny than Bunbun, she is extremely shy and wants nothing to do with me. I continue to show her that I mean her no harm, but her responses are becoming increasingly negative. I'm beginning to suspect I have a long road ahead of me.
We have begun the introduction process of Bunbun and Little Bun, this is the one time I think she may be warming up to me. She has decided that climbing on top of my head is a much more attractive option than being chased by Bunbun. (Score: Me 1 Bunbun 0) Note to self - clip Little Buns nails.
Entry 4: In love, but not with me.
Its been awhile since I've updated you, my imaginary readers, about mission hunbun. We have had a very successful breakthrough and I am happy to report we have love! It just doesn't have anything to do with me. My husband, being the do-it-yourself kind of guy he is grew tired with my silly do it by the book bunny bonding process and threw them in a pen together to work it out themselves. 20 minutes later (and the 6 weeks of my sorry attempts) we now have a bonded pair. (Score: Husband 1 Me 0) Break open the champagne and avert your eyes, there be much bunny love! Disclaimer: Both rabbits are fixed, please spay and neuter your pets.
(In this photo: See Little Bun blatantly flaunting her love for Bunbun)
Little Bun Approved Reading
Entry 5: A Cold Day In Hell
That is when Little Bun will love me I've decided. All attempts to woo her with carrots and gentle pets have failed. Petting will result in several responses, depending on her level of hate for me in the moment or perhaps the kind of lettuce on the menu that morning:
1.) Running away
2.) Running away and thumping
3.) Running away, thumping and kicking my lowly human dust off her feet.
4.) Running away, thumping, kicking my lowly human dust off her feet and honking.
5.) Running away, thumping, kicking my lowly human dust off her feet, honking and then showing me how much she loves Bunbun more than me by cleaning his ears and giving me the stink eye.
I must note that the only time she seems remotely interested in my existence is when I bring their daily veggies. I suppose being viewed as some sort of waitress is better than her just thinking I'm the devil. I must see if I can exploit this in some way. Back to planning.
Entry 6: She thinks I smell.
Well, this happened. Little Bun has begun ferociously cleaning Bunbun right after I stop petting him. I think her hate of me has grown to include my smell. Thus spurring her immediate and thorough cleaning ritual once I have stopped touching her man. I may need to invent a rabbit cologne as I am obviously offensive. Must rethink strategy.
Entry 7: A United Front
I am beginning to suspect that Little Bun is plotting to turn Bunbun against me. Little changes in his behavior as of late have alerted me to what may be a sign of a much larger plan. Bunbun has been picking up some of her less appealing behaviors such as thumping when he is annoyed and no longer spending any time on our bed. Hanging out on our bed and showing off his awesome blanket shoving skills used to be one of his favorite pastimes. Now, his time is spent attending to Little Buns needs, which appear to be:
*Making sweet love
*Plotting my destruction
I am trying my best not to let her know that I'm on to her. In the meantime, I continue to shower them both with my unrequited love.
Entry 8: Occupied (Ocupado)
I know chasing Little Bun and scaring her to death will probably not lead to gaining her love and trust, but this is what it has come to. Since she has no interest in engaging me in any form of contact, I have developed a nightly ritual of together-time that I thoroughly enjoy and she uses to take my love and smash it under her tiny little paws.
Every night before bedtime, I like to spend some good quality time with my pets, and since Little Bun has no interest in coming anywhere near me, I have to catch her. Its not very hard, she may have some evil master planning ability, but when it comes to evading capture she is seriously lacking. I try to approach her calmly, lay down next to her, blow kisses and when that doesn't work I just try to pick her up. This always results in her running to her bunny safe place, her litter box, because apparently she thinks no-one in there right mind would pick someone up while they are on the toilet. But oh how wrong she is!
Once I have her I put her on my tummy, I clean her eyes and then gaze lovingly into them, I pet her and give her kisses and tell her that she's the only one for me. Except for my husband. And of course Bunbun, and my two dogs. Oh and the kids. We'll, she is the only one for me except for those 7 beings - but that's still pretty special, right? I try to spend a good 5 minutes of calm look-how-great-I-am-that-I-shower-you-with-this-much-love time and then she is free to go. At which time she turns around and sticks her butt in my face, which I can only assume is a statement, and runs away thumping as she goes. Sigh.
Entry 9: Out of This World
After losing some ground in our human/bunny relationship, I had a small breakthrough with Bunbun this week. In the wake of his bed boycott, I decided that spending some time down on his level (the floor) could be helpful in mending our relationship. I'm happy to report we both had a fantastic time playing you hand me that piece of straw and I'll eat it. I mostly did the handing, as Bunbun is a much better straw chewer than I. Sadly, Little Bun wasn't as impressed with our new game, she much preferred to play her own version - look at me take your straw and throw it over here - and - that straw is beneath me, I will push it away with my nose. Mostly she just avoided the crazy lady on the floor and waited for her to go away.
On a different note, Little Bun did succeed in taking out our internet connection for a good 12 hours. It took that long to discover the cause of the outage because I never suspected she would chew right through our bunny resistant cord protectors. Apparently Little Bun didn't get the memo that bunnies are repelled by citrus infused plastic. The incident has made me wonder if she is really a bunny at all. First her extraordinary resistance to my human charms and now her highly developed palate capable of appreciating the subtle notes of plastic a la lemon. I find it all highly suspect. You may be wondering how I knew it was Little Bun and not Bunbun who chewed through the internet cable, but I mean really, who do YOU think did it. She has obviously been reading this lens, and thus set out to destroy it.
Entry 10: Crack is Whack
Its dark outside. The carpet shimmers with littered straw and pellets as far as the eye can see. A little black bunny bounds towards me eagerly. No, its not a dream, it really happened. Of course it wasn't exactly me she was eagerly bounding towards, but that didn't stop my heart from melting into a gooey love-filled puddle.
(In this photo: The elusive Little Bun enjoys a bowl of leafy greens with her husbun.)
See, months and months ago on one of my weekly jaunts to the local pet store I had purchased a tiny bag of dried papaya as a treat for the hunbuns. Upon bringing it home I quickly discovered that dried papaya is pretty much like crack to bunnies. All I had to do was crinkle the bag and they would instantly be all atwitter with anticipation. Of course, it didn't help me get any closer to Little Bun since her hate of me trumped any form of bunny crack I could get my hands on. But with Bunbun, I was even able to teach him to take his dried orange fix right out of my mouth. Its not like I was eating it at the time or anything, it was just my sorry attempt to steal a bunny kiss. Eventually the little bag was empty and life carried on. I never rushed out to purchase more as I had read that, while loved by most bunnies, it is not very healthy for them to eat such a sugary treat.
Well cut to last night, after another impulse buy of a brand new shiny bag of dried papaya (on sale!), I pulled out my new purchase and began to open it. Not seconds later, and much to my surprise, there appeared a Little Bun bounding towards me! I have to admit I was completely thrown off my game for a minute, who was this bunny and what had she done with Little Bun? I quickly remembered that it was the crinkle of the bag that had driven them so crazy before, so I continued to open the bag and tried not to make any sudden movements. It took longer than either of us would have liked for me to finally get that puzzle of a bag open, but once I had I gave her her treat. Which she then proceeded to eat, RIGHT NEXT TO ME! I know, crazy stuff right? We'll here's where things get even weirder. I thought I would try the treat in the mouth trick with her, and you know what, it worked! At this point I'm just in utter disbelief that Little Bun is even interacting with me, much less trusts me enough to take food from my mouth. So, why not take it a step further right? I then tried to pet my new furry buddy. Nope. Run away, thump, litter box, stink eye, you know the drill. But seriously, baby steps right? I have now risen up a notch in Little Buns book to - worth tolerating for bunny crack! Hazah!
Entry 11: My Pookie Wookie
Another week, another crazy plan to win over my temperamental Little Bun. From now on, or until I come to my senses, I've decided I will be treating her the way I would if she really did love me (times 10). Surely if I smoother her like any good overzealous parent would she will eventually give in and resign herself to loving me back. I mean, how much longer can she really fight it? So, several times a day I've been picking her up and squeezing her fat little body, smushing her cute little squishy face, showering her with kisses and soothing her ears with the best interpretation of baby talk I can muster. It rather disgusting really to be so sugary sweet, but these are the things I do for love. As you can imagine she has yet to give into the power of my uber-love but its still a pretty new plan so I'll report back later. What has resulted from said new plan is the introduction of a new sound into Little Bun's repertoire. While once she only had two sounds, 1.) Silent and 2.) Honking she now has a whole new sound which I will call 3.) Angry Ewok. Its what I can only describe as a sound that a rabid chipmunk might make, a hamster growl if you will. I'm sure deep down its her way of telling me how much she loves when I pick her up, really.
Entry 12: When the Poop Hits the Fan
Poor Little Bun. At first I thought her new predicament was an upset tummy caused by a food item her delicate system couldn't handle, but after many weeks spent removing certain foods with no difference I have come to another conclusion. Poop sticks to her. I'm not sure I can explain this properly without totally grossing all my lovely readers out, so I just won't bother trying to be polite. You have been warned.
Awhile back I started noticing that Little Bun wasn't smelling so great and began investigating. I soon discovered the Little Bun had been collecting poop on her bottom, a rather strange hobby I know, but perhaps it was another masterful plot to keep me at bay. But as we all know I can not be deterred, my love is far too fierce that even the notion of a pooey butt will do little to dissuade me. I quickly read everything I could find on the things that cause a pooey rabbit butt and found many helpful bits of information on possible causes and, as I mention before, adjusted her diet accordingly. Now what do you do with a pooey butt rabbit you ask? Well, you bath them. Very carefully. Rabbits can injure themselves and have very delicate skin so please if you are ever to attempt to bathe a rabbit do your research first.
Unfortunately, by the time I discovered the mass on Little Buns buns it had formed into a rock-like formation of much stinky power and it took many short soaks in a lukewarm sink bath to dislodge that sucker. I don't think this did much for our relationship, and it probably didn't help the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time I had to do it either. I did learn that Little Bun greatly fears our bathroom and prefers to climb on my lap than face this scary new land alone. I'm pretty sure it is just so that I will be eaten first when the toilet monster attacks, but its nice all the same.
I have developed A Little Buns Like Meter to help us keep track of my progress. Here's where we are at so far, with 1 being the best and 5 being the worst:
Little Buns Like Meter
2.) Bunny Crack (dried papaya)
3.) Everything Else