Shadesbreath's Rare Photos - The Beauty of Nature

In light of the discovery I made during a recent contest that there are such things as "photo hubs," I thought I would take a stab at doing a photography hub of my own. While I am more widely known for inane sketches and absurd satire, I think it is good that I take a more serious approach to art, at least occasionally. So, here goes. I hope you enjoy these pictures; this is some of my best work to date with a camera. Let me know what you think.

This first photograph is a close up shot of a California Condor’s armpit. You can’t imagine how difficult it was to get this. Besides being extremely rare, these birds are not particularly friendly, so getting one to raise a wing and hold it long enough to capture an image that wasn’t blurry was difficult. I was hired as photographer for this by a team of scientists working on the hypothesis that the male of the species is particularly disgusting, possessed of acridity and olfactory putrescence that often precludes any sexual desire on the part of the female condor.

As you can see, the armpit of this bird is extremely deep and dark, and the scientists concluded that the vacuous cavity most certainly hosts bacteria that smell so foul the odor causes female condors to go into a state known as magnus avi frigidus, which translates roughly in English to “the girl don’t want none.” This is a sexual circumstance that has reasonable precedent among humans as well, so the science team, with this photograph in hand, now seek further funding from Gillette, Old Spice and the makers of AXE body spray, in hopes that in the end, some environmental and commercial enterprise might somehow arise.

This photo is probably the most terrifying of the lot. We had to travel for three days to get to the remote hills of Imbugwa Gweppa Blah, deep in the heart of Senegal. After braving carnivorous frogs, giant humpbacked hummingbirds and all sorts of ferocious creatures too terrifying to describe, we found a deep cave system in which reside the famous Imbugwa Gweppa Vampire Bats. These bats are huge, some weighing as much as two hundred pounds, and they are ravenous, bloodthirsty creatures. The sound they make is distinctive, and it is one that has, the world over, become synonymous with all species of vampire bats despite these being the only ones that actually make the sound. The vocalization comes in three short syllables, uttered in a breathy bark that goes, “Blah, blah, blah.” It is from this that the Imbugwa Gweppa Blah hills get their name. If you look very carefully into the image —yes its very dark but we didn’t dare use a flash lest we risk waking the colony and being juiced so like so many oranges—you might be able to see one sneaking up behind our assistant, Carlos. We didn’t even know it at the time, given how dark it was, but when he wasn’t with us when we came out we suspected the worst. These images prove his sad demise.

I apologize in advance for this one. It’s difficult for all but the most gifted medical minds to make out just what they are seeing here at first—and they aren’t nauseated by such grisly things either—but this is an image taken from my friend’s colonoscopy. It’s a little dark, because he had it done in Tijuana by a doctor who isn't too diligent about cleaning the light and stuff at the end of his colonoscope between patients, but who did allow me to attach a special converter from his equipment to my camera so I could capture the image live. My friend heard I was doing a photography hub and invited me to come take pictures, and, well, I, being somewhat indebted to him for having parked on his lawn on numerous occasions by mistake, agreed to go along. I’m glad I did. Rarely does one see such a miraculous close up of the human biological machine, a miracle of Nature or of God, whichever you prefer, but a miracle just the same. I mean, think about it; you are looking at part of a fleshy pipeline that runs from your mouth to your butt, doing its amazing and winding duty of digestion, moisture reclamation, waste management, and for some, pleasure… all in one long dark internal hall. It’s still gross though, and I can hardly look at this picture without getting a little gag reflex.

In a way, this is related to the last one (and I admit I'm cheating because I really didn't take this one. I am, however, the only one who has it, so that's good enough for me). This image was brought back by Russian cosmonaut Yuri Asputin on his return from a mission to the International Space Station back in 2006. It is the first known instance of a fart captured in space, and the image was caught fairly close, within two meters, by a camera on one of the boom arms. A computer sensed the pressure building in Yuri’s space suit and zoomed just in time to capture the release, which from this angle, can be seen moving against the backdrop of space as if it were actually travelling between two stars [which are just out of the frame on the left and right]. Very cool, and a real testimony to both man’s courage and the wonder of technology.

This last photograph comes to us from a group of Atheists living in the Mojave Desert in southern California. They swear—and I have no other way to validate this—that one of their members had a near death experience and these photos are what he brought back. According to the member, who has asked to remain nameless, he was out walking in the desert taking pictures of the beautiful desert flora and fauna, when he suffered a heart attack and died. His wife, a trained paramedic, was able to resuscitate him using CPR, but during the three minutes that he was dead, he took these pictures of the afterlife while he was there. Needless to say, the two of them are now, more than ever, convinced of the truth of their faith.

So there you have it, my first photo hub. I hate to brag, but I realize having done this that I do have a gift for this kind of art too. It's like, is there nothing I don't just excel at? At first, I was intimidated to do this because there are some amazing nature photographers on HubPages, but the joy of photography and the thrill of waiting, hours, even days sometimes, for that perfect shot is soooo worth it in the end that I was able to push past my trepidation. I imagine I'll be hearing from National Geographic or Playboy very soon, and look forward to my new career as a photographer thanks to this, my photographic résumé.