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The World Is My Canvas, But I'm Running Out Of Paint

Updated on October 8, 2010

Growing older and looking back, I find myself remembering the dreams I held so dear at certain times in my life. Dreams I somehow managed to to turn into reality. Dreams I only dreamed of, but never achieved.

I finally realize at this late date, no-one really knows me. No-one ever did, or will. There are those who know my habits, and things from my past. I'm sure I'm predictable in many of my ways. But the only human being who really knows me, through and through, is myself. And I am the only person I know completely. Everyone else on the planet is capable of surprising me.

I have learned many lessons as the years sped so slowly by. (Yes it is a paradigm, but that's the way it is). The lessons I have learned have both taken their toll, and enlightened me. Life has been full of contradictions.

I have a lonely nature, and I suppose that's good and proper. It sooths my soul as I begin to prepare for my "golden" years. Years I do not dread. Knowing I have no idea what they will bring. "No-one knows what a day may bring forth". And I avoid anticipation inside myself, as I lay my plans. Because I realize the plans of others can effect me profoundly.

If this sounds sad or dismal, it's not. There is, I believe, a certain resignation with time. Finding out that moving mountains was never my skill. Knowing in my heart I really did do the best I knew how. I am a success in the eyes of some. A failure in the eyes of others. I am comfortable with myself. And that's more than many people have. It's more than I had for a very long time.

Yes I have grown, changed, and changed again. As I expressed in one of my paintings, I am only a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and one day I will be simply a memory. That's the way the ball has always bounced.

I have painted myself across life. With the laughter I've shared, and the heartache I've induced. No-one makes it out without effecting the ones we touch. No-one makes it out unscathed.  I have left impressions, abstracts, and the remnants of what I actually meant.

Sometimes the picture is bright and completely clear. Other times the meaning is left obscure. So others may wonder, without understanding, why I did or did not do the things that would have benefited them more.  Or how I managed to help them through.  As I too wonder about people in my life who effected me to my core.

 

Thank you Micah for the title to this Hub.  I love you.

 

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    • Cathi Sutton profile imageAUTHOR

      Cathi Sutton 

      7 years ago

      Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting!

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Hello again, Cathi - Well, you "wished you could have seen him in action..." His name was Marvin Zindler. He was a deputy sheriff one time, the guy who caused the closing of that infamous "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" over in LaGrange, the place made famous by that Broadway musical. He was rather vain in many ways, one of which was his bright white hair. It was actually a wig. His wife one time told some of our friends that in all of their married life (as I recall, more than 60 years long) that she had seen Marvin without his wig only two times. He was a very interesting person, and, yes, you probably would have enjoyed seeing his many antics as well as his numerous good deeds and kindnesses.

      Gus :-)))

    • profile image

      coffeesnob 

      8 years ago

      Excellent, Cathi - i think the title is captivating too

    • 2uesday profile image

      2uesday 

      8 years ago

      You got an awesome and beautiful as well as voted up on this because it deserved them. I read it and related to it, the words you put together were beautiful as was the title.

      Thank you.

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 

      8 years ago from UK

      Captivating title and you do justice to it :-)

    • Cathi Sutton profile imageAUTHOR

      Cathi Sutton 

      8 years ago

      GusTheRedneck, Wow! He must have been something! I wish I could have seen him in action! Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • GusTheRedneck profile image

      Gustave Kilthau 

      8 years ago from USA

      Cathi - You are correct - that is a fine title. We used to have a TV news guy here who became quite a fixture when he aged. He "championed" the older ones among us and did a lot of "help the poor and picked upons," too. He finally made it to 100 himself. His warcry was "It's Hell to get old." They paid him a million bucks a year, and everyone agreed that he was worth it.

      Gus :-)))

    • onegoodwoman profile image

      onegoodwoman 

      8 years ago from A small southern town

      It is I who thanks you.......

    • Cathi Sutton profile imageAUTHOR

      Cathi Sutton 

      8 years ago

      onegoodwoman, thank you for the lovely and lyical comment. I find it beautiful!

    • onegoodwoman profile image

      onegoodwoman 

      8 years ago from A small southern town

      I am singing in your choir.

      Oh the tales I shall tell from my rocking chair.....gather round children, gather around....

      I am not "only".........I AM, I WAS, I DID, I SAW,I THOUGHT, I FELT, I CHANGED, I CRIED, I TRIUMPHED, I LOST, I ENCOURAGED, I PERSURADED, I WARNED, I FORETOLD.........

      I LOVED......

      I CHANGED...

      I EMBRACED.......

      I REJECTED.....

      gather around children, gather around, I have tales to tell!

    • Cathi Sutton profile imageAUTHOR

      Cathi Sutton 

      8 years ago

      Literature Fairy, I wish you every wonderful thing. And I admitt, it was a long, hard road to get here.

      Thank you for your comment.

    • Literature Fairy profile image

      Holly Jackson 

      8 years ago from England, UK.

      There are some beautiful thought here, I really hope to have such a sense of peace and acceptance about myself and my life when I rech my golden yers! x

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