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I want a new car

Updated on June 1, 2011

I Need a New Car

My world is happier when I buy a new car. The smell of newness pervades every cranny of my being. Ignoring the massive payments, I cruise down the boulevard in my previously-undriven-by-human-hands magic carpet. Scads of electronic doodads cater to my every whim. Extremely engineered safety features cocoon me in a cocoon of safeness.

My current car is old and tired. It looks like everyone else's car. I can't find it in a parking lot. I can't pass an Amish Buggy going downhill. No one will ride with me except my mechanic. When I put gas in it, the value of it doubles.

Shopping for a new car provides fun levels analogous to eyebrow waxing with duct tape, but the payoff makes it all seem worthwhile. When I drive off the lot with my shiny new status symbol, all is well with the world.

My New Car Should be Safe

Safety should have been engineered into my car. The cup-holders must have a 5-star crash rating. When the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety tests my car, they should recognize it as the benchmark of safety-ness. My car should be capable of winning a demolition derby on Saturday and ferrying nuns to church on Sunday.

My new car should anticipate every conceivable scenario. If I lose concentration while texting lunch plans to Ralph Nader, the car should provide gentle steering corrections to keep me in my lane. If a windblown paper cup lands in my lane, the car should vacuum it into the built-in recycle bin located strategically in the spacious trunk.

My New Car Should be High-Tech

Everything on my car should be run by a computer. Actually, I want everything to be run by separate computers. If the engine computer fails, it should be redundant with the chassis computer. There must be a computer for the turn signals that communicates with the computer running the front bumper, which interfaces with the digital windshield washer fluid squirter.

The whole car should be on the Internet. I want my neighbors to have my car as their home page. Google will be jealous of my car. My car will index Google using the spare CPU cycles from the glove compartment door controller computer.

My New Car Should be Durable

My next new car will never wear out. If I forget to change the oil, it will continue to operate at peak efficiency on the unrecognizable sludge accumulating in the oil pan.

Nothing will leak out of my car, except coolness. No anti-freeze puddles, oil drops, or transmission fluid pools will ever soil my driveway. Even the gizmos that squirt the windshield washer fluid will operate so efficiently that no excess of oddly blue fluid will be released into the atmosphere surrounding the vehicle. I will be able to squirt the windshield with the windows down while traveling 120 kph.

This car will never rust. All metallic parts will powder coated, anodized, iodized, electroplated, cladded, overlayed, and galvanized. To prevent deterioration by ultra-violet rays, all non-metal parts will be made of metal. The seats will be made of metal that feels like leather. The air bags will not be made of metal.

My car will have a real undercoating that costs extra but is worth it. The undercoating will be sealed with a special undercoating sealant. The undercoating sealant will have a clear-coat finish.

My New Car Will be Earth-Friendly

The next car in my future will help the Earth. It will burn anything, emitting only sweetness and light from tailpipe. If I fall asleep in a locked garage with the engine idling, I will wake up refreshed and my IQ will be 10 points higher.

The entire vehicle should be biodegradable. When the useful life of my car has passed, I will bury it in a corn field and it will stimulate bushels of non-GMO soybeans, which can be harvested into biodegradable fuels for the next generation of supercars.

My car will not require excessive natural resources to construct. Car designers with concurrent degrees in Mechanical Engineering, Electrical Engineering, and Karma Engineering will contrive methods of assembly that make the Earth smile with gladness. The car will be built in a flowery meadow by skilled non-union self-motivated tradespeople and bunnies.

My Car Should Look Really Really Cool

Every head should turn to look at me as I cruise past in my new car. No Mercedes or Hyundai should draw more attention than what I'm driving. If anyone fails to ogle my car, my car will capture sunlight and gently reflect it into their eyeballs until they gape in wonder at the incredibly expensive paint job and stunning styling.

When parked in an airport parking lot, my car will stand out as the only car actually worth driving. Every other vehicle will seem like a Cash for Clunkers Candidate. Valets will engage in gang wars for the privilege of parking my car. When I drive through a toll both, the attendant will give me a quarter.


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      "Sarah Hill 55 minutes ago

      I prefer used cars personally."

      @Sarah Hill: Of course you do, because you tried to sneak in a backlink to your site that sells used cars. duh.

      You might want to read my seminal hub on backlinks before you waste anymore of our time:

      See? I can get away with that because I wrote this article.

    • Alexander Mark profile image

      Alexander Silvius 6 years ago from Portland, Oregon

      And it should sound like a V-8 or an old world war 2 era bomber and when a canine lifts his leg against the tire, the effluence will automatically be recycled into clear drinking water or fuels your magical engine.

      Hope this helps.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA : Yes! when it breaks down in the fast lane I need to me able to nosh until help arrives.

    • profile image 6 years ago

      I dont think you are looking for just any car Nicomp - you need an edible car - really tasty, plenty of fibre and the wrapper is biodegradeable.

    • joerdie profile image

      joerdie 6 years ago

      Austinstar - The only reason we don't have auto driving cars today is regulation. The Google cars that take the images for Google Images, (wow, Google names make sentences seem odd,) were tested driving themselves with an operator in the drivers seat. From what I have read, they did well! And Google just modified a standard Prius.

      Nicomp - Safe and green can be accomplished with a used Volvo. They are exceedingly safe and the greenest car is one already on the road! (Though they don't emit rainbows, and the cup holders are small.) On second thought, better get a semi-truck.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

      You are at the top of your game, nicomp, with this one. Pertinent, non-redundant, funny, even painful. The last refers to the eyebrow waxing with duct tape. OUCH!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      My new car did all this last year. Now it's almost too late to buy a new 2011 because the 2012's will be arriving in the dealer's sale zone in August in time for proud parents everywhere to buy their cool kids a new car for "going off to college" in.

      Don't hesitate to pay the extra insurance fees on the new car! The insurance option arranges any minor skirmish into a major kill zone with the other driver always at fault and they have to pay millions in damages even though you only got a scraped knuckle.

      I'm still waiting for the voice activated option to drive me wherever I want, safely of course, while I stretch out and nap or read some hubs or something.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @myi4u: I agree. It's just more stuff to break.

    • myi4u profile image

      myi4u 6 years ago from United Kingdom

      "The cup-holders must have a 5-star crash rating", funny! Nowadays, new cars' specifications have so many acronyms that it could easily fill up a page in a brochure. The truth is, not many people know them all. It is really impressive considering what cars made today can do compared to cars made a few years ago.

      "Acronyms" that you can find in luxury cars can now be found in any cars. I still drive a 12-year Ford Focus and the thought of getting a new car sometimes makes me a little bit nervous. A car controlled by computer from calculating how much power it needs to use in order to efficiently power up the smallest bulb to advising you how to drive more efficiently and effectively. Don't you think it's a little too many things inside a car?