If I Were in Charge of NASCAR

Even Darryl has had to adjust to NASCAR, even had to say Let's Go Racin' Drivers 'cause'a Daneeka (yeah I know it ain't spelt that way but that is how we ole boys prinnance thangs.)

Imagine if you will, a group of shepherds, not in tune with reality and driven by the need for total control of what was once called the sport of stock car racing in the United States of America; a sport that has gone from freedom of creation to one of strict adherence to an ever changing formula of construction and behavior. This is today’s NASCAR lead by the dictatorial powers of a man that matches this introduction—Bill France, oops no, he was good, Sr., Jr. meh, now Brian is in charge, Blake Shelton, oops, no he sings country, Mike Helton, that’s the guy, the TV voice for Brian. Welcome to the Twilight Zone.

Yes it might be a little over the top but my introduction (in the style of the old TV show the Twilight Zone) is right on the mark for the direction that the folks at NASCAR have taken the sport, in my opinion. (Everyone is entitled to my opinion, or not. You can take it or leave it or have fun playing along. That is totally up to you. The traditionalist in the NASCAR clan might get plain ticked off at this and I doing this article with no net—literally. My internet is down for the count and I have no safety net to work with for research, thesaurus or other assists, so I’m pretty much on my own but I can handle this I think, because it’s based on the truth. Lol)

Back in the day, stock car racing was simply a street worthy car that was converted for racing on an enclosed track. Mostly they drove the cars to the track and just changed the tars, put on a crash helmet, of sorts, some goggles and gloves, put out their cigars, or not, and raced their butts off for an afternoon of a bunch of good old boys lettin’ her loose.

I grew up in Toronto where there was a similar type of stock car racing but the modified class was the main type of racing that took place at the old Exhibition Grounds of the CNE. These creations were even more individual with cars that were fabricated from post and pre-World War II vehicles (Ted Hogan’s Fiat and Jim Howard’s Ford come to mind), aircraft fuel tanks and a bunch of aluminum welded together to form the cover of the car (Jack Greedy was in the welding business) and they drove sometimes under the lights on Thursday and Saturday nights as my failing memory serves me.

Today’s NASCAR still calls it stock car racing but there is nothing further from the truth. Even the outer shells of the cars are all the same with the exception of a frontal look that tries to mimic the look of the Toyota Camry, Ford Fusion and Chevrolet Camaro. Give me a break NASCAR, they are full blown racing cars built to a strict formula and the use of a myriad of templates with tighter controls than are used in the manufacturer of rocket ships. Any variance to these conditions result in various fines, restrictions or bans to the “offending” crew chiefs and the NASCAR tribunal is the sole judge of the severity of the crime and the degree of the punishment.

The sport has become largely boring and serves as an effective way for me to lull me to a solid sleep come Saturday night or Sunday afternoon/night depending on the race location of the week. (Larry Mac is kind of like an alarm clock for me or like the sound you hear when someone scratches their nails across the chalkboard. You need to lighten up Larry Mac)

There are two races that are exceptions for me and those are the two road course events held at Sonoma and Watkins Glen and the Nationwide, nee Busch, nee Grand National level at other worthy road racing venues. (What’s a venue? Is that a track in Mississippi? Tain’t never heard of that one).

Those races still have some of the spirit of the old Winston Cup days and earlier. They’re beatin’ and bangin’, using the chrome horn and aracin’ in a style that would have made Dale Earnhardt Sr. smile with that grin and big ole ‘stache, that made you either love him or hate him.

NASCAR fans are indeed very loyal to their favourites and also just as obvious about who their not so favourites are (bugger off word I ain’t using whom). Just ask Kyle Busch how that works or, more correctly, worked. He has given in to the wishes of NASCAR and fallen into the homogenized world that is the master plan of NASCAR that changes every few weeks as they try to tweek the cars to make them more competitive (aka all the same) and lord let the crew chief that crosses him be smitten by the hand of the powers of NASCAR. Spoliers up, its down, the cars backside is up and now it’s down, the restrictor plate grew another O-ring, the shock absorber don’t bounce no more, etc. etc. etc.

I think they have gone over the top, lost their minds, messed with a good thing and largely are responsible for why the sport is diminishing. They used to run 45, then 43 and now 40 cars in the major event (my numbers might be off but Larry Mac will correct me if he’s still areadin’) and say it’s because they want to make it more competitive. Bull crap, it’s because the teams can’t afford to field cars that meet the ever changing spec they run. They can’t even get the 40 cars through “inspection” since the rules are so damn tight. Gone are the days of the Alan Kulwicki’s, the independent that beat the super teams.

OK, I got a little long winded and carried on a little too long but you do that when you’re more than just ticked (can you say pissed-off). Here’s what I would do if I were in charge of NASCAR.

Well the boys that run it now are gone, plain and simple. Then I would try to build a new group of folks that would run the show. The list of folks I would like to have run that show would include Darryl & Michael Waltrip, Tony Stewart, Jeff Gordon, Carl Edwards, Dale Earnhardt Jr., #4, #14, Kenny Schrader….and here’s why. They ain’t afraid to speak their mind, they ain’t afraid of what folk’s think of them, they paid their dues and they will forever be racers. (Man spellchecker is goin’ nuts right now and Darryl or Tony will remind who drives 4 and 14. Their names escape me right now and that is part of the point (yeah it came to me when I calmed down, Kevin Harvick & Clint Bowyer).

They are key drivers for the sport today, they speak their mind, are entertaining, largely, and their name is not up front in mind but buried back there with all the other stuff like the guy that does the Dos Equis beer commercials and old George Carlin routines. I should know that they are Happy Harvick and Clent and not have to look them up with Google.

I have a lot of stuff in there and sometimes you just trip over all the other stuff finding you way around. And eventually, the names of Kevin Harvick and Clint Bowyer did float out when the slow acting relay decided to fire up. When you get older it’s kind’a like running on 7 cylinders.

And I would loosen up the rules to let the crew chiefs (like Chad the House and Booger) have some rope just as long as they don’t go overboard by making everything out of carbon fibre and gold dust like they do in Formula One racing. That sport (F1) needs a good kick in the ass as well. The race is over in the first turn.

I would keep Daytona, Talladega, Martinsville, Pocono, Darlington, Bristol, Sonoma and the full Watkins Glen course (why do they restrict it to the kid’s course only, next they gonna’ put trainin’ wheels on the cars with balloon tars). They are pretty much no brainers. The guys that run the show would decide what other tracks are worthy and I would recommend to them that they consider Mosport in Ontario (now known as Canadian Tire Motorsport Park), Canada and Cirquit de Gilles Villeneuve de Montreal, Quebec, Canada, as two road courses to add to the show which would bring new blood into the NASCAR fold. (And also to drive the Waltrips crazy trying to pronounce the one in Kebeck. Sorry Larry Mac, I will let the guys that run the show decide if you would be included)

The year’s schedule would be more balanced between oval and road courses to prove that the drivers are indeed the show and not the cars, manufacturers and sponsors but they still have a strong presence to fund the needs of the drivers. Some of the more “cookie cutter” tracks would go since they are just too much the same and we would find a way to go aracin’whenitsarainin’!! And the restrictor plate is just gone. Maybe run smaller engines on those tracks, the new guys will figure that out since they know best.

NASCAR isn’t as boring as drag racing which is more like hamster sex (when hamsters have sex it is over in a matter of seconds. (How does he know that?) We tested that theory in my days in university during noisy hour in Edwards Hall at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario and viewed the results in a large group, even placed bets on the outcome. (Is that place got anything to do with Carl?) Maybe, he is a pretty smart boy and the sport misses him from this fan’s perspective.

The Chase and Segments are helping a little I will say that but the jury is still out on both of then and I think the new guys (some of them are just old) that run the show are the ones that should decide how to do them and work on the loosening of the freakin’ rules. Every time lawyers get involved in sports they mess it up. How many of them ever played sports when they were little? I bet they got picked last in every pick-up game they tried to join or they just played umpire or referee. Look at me mah, I’m in charge.

It’s our own damn fault. We gave them the ball and they ain’t never givin’ it back. So as good as this may sound, don’t hold your breath. They got both the ball and the keys and they ain’t gonna’ share.

(I plan to email this story to as many sports folks that I can find that cover NASCAR, I hope they give me some feedback because a lot of this is just tongue-in-cheek plain old fun, but a lot of it is really based on reality and ain’t no thang of fiction. I met a gal that lives in Alabama on the internet and her drawl kind of rubbed off on me lol Crap they all seem to use twitter and I don’t twit or tweet. I just use Facebook and email and have my own way to protect me from the bozos out there.

This was longer write than normal because of all the phonetic speakers (the guys with the drawl, dumbazz) in it but it was just a blast to write (You’re the one with the accent. It’s like I was back in English class all over again, gal in Alabama said that to me, Miss ya Southern Angel)).

Darryl maybe I could co-write your book with you. The title is a no-brainer. Boogity-boogity-boogity, Let’s Go Racin’, Boys. Ah maybe he wrote it already but he missed out on the right guy to write it with him and, besides, who reads books any more unless they are in segments and then you take a break and read the next segment and then take another break and then run the last segment and finish the book (I’m gettin’ that Dejaview thing now, bud).

Sometimes I suffer from brain farts and forget the easy stuff. I like the old days better but I’m just old, too)

Y’all have awunnerfuldaynow!!!!!

They said I didn't follow their template and I should break my story up into segments.

...and I ain't got no post-race show. That's because I'm leaving that up to you. That's what the comments are for.

Looking forward to hearin' from y'all.

Oh they mean I ain't got no pre-race show. I like surprisin; folks better. I like to see them make that look like "what planet is he from". lol lol lol snort

Seems Hubpages thought this was a worthy story and should be appearing at one of their "big tracks"--Axle something or other. So they invited me to submit it but said I should remove the first 3 paragraphs, cut out fluff as they called it, all the phonetic stuff which creates the "character" of my style, etc. etc. blah blah blah. I tried to submit my reaction via email but there ain't no editor@Hubpages.com. Its one of those automated response bots they use for stories that might fit their templates. So I responded with the following below because I could see no other way to get my message through.

Then you clearly didn't get the point of my story. You are acting like NASCAR trying To force my story into the template that makes it fit your purposes in ​AxleSmackshill. People in a social environment jump all over the place and my writing style is like that of a group of people sitting in the living room having fun. Your suggested approach sounds too mechanical for my liking so no thank you. I am developing an audience bit by bit with my approach and now my approach to life. Trying to make everyone fit into an agenda they don't want to do is doomed for failure and I don't see AxleSmackshill working for my writing but thank you for considering it and so quickly. It tells me I am at least on the right track. Y'all have a wunnerful day. I'd rather be with those folks thank you.

PS I will still continue with Hubpages 'cause it works for me. I don't want to work for AxleSmackshill.