Top 5 Things to Have for a NASCAR Race
It's fast, colorful, dangerous, and it goes in circles. It's not Congress, it's NASCAR. Some folks think it's stupid but we know better. We understand the nuances of down-forces and keeping sponsor decals affixed at 190MPH. We can tell who's ahead even as vehicles disintegrate down the back stretch. It's not a men-only sport any more. Girls can do it, too.
Here's our compendium of 5 crucial products that you'll need before the Big Race commences on your flat screen TV. Head out to the WalMart and stock up on vittles. Take our list with you.
Item 1: Pringles
As rolling billboards crash and twisted metal flies into the grandstand, you'll need a good reliable salty snack you see you through the carnage. Depend on Pringles for long-lasting satisfaction in your protruding belly. Your jeans will strain to contain, but don't stop eating until the checkered flag drops. Victory Lane beckons your favorite millionaire: celebrate him or her with a handful of crunchy preformed goodness straight from one of your favorite sponsors.
Item #2: Talledega Nights DVD
It really does happen this way. Hollywood wouldn't lie. It's OK to win a NASCAR race while flipped on your roof sliding sideways across the finish line. Your fans love it when you turn turtle.
When the race is over the the roar of the exhaust has faded into a steady ringing in your ears, pop in this classic DVD for additional minutes of entertainment. Handfulls of famous actors have bet their unsteady careers on your willingness to commit couch time to their antics. It's all good and it can all be ordered on semi-permanent digital media. Don't download it from the Internet: that's cheatin' .
Item #3: Classic Rock
Good grief, no NASCAR event can rise to the level of mediocre entertainment without appropriate soundtracks. Accompanying your Race for the Chase should be unlimited supplies of the same three chords, Southern Style.
Lynyrd Skynyrd provides just the right amount of self-important self-deprecating lyrics melded into arena-rock big-hair top-40 twanging guaranteed to keep your toes tappin' until they clean up the crash on Turn 3. They named the band after their high school gym teacher.
Item #4: Bandana
It works for Brett Michaels. A cool southern-style bandana will cover up your follicular faults while allowing you to blend into the infield crowd. No one looks twice at a man wearing a bandana when everyone is doing it. Sure, the average lemmings exhibits a little more individuality, but when all your heroes are turning left and endorsing beer, who cares?
Order them by the dozen. They get sweaty and gross during yellow flags. Waiting 4 hours in creeping traffic to exit the parking lot will put stress on a 100% cotton head cover.
Item #5: NASCAR Books
Learning to read is hardly ever a bad thing. Reading about NASCAR millionaires while eating Pringles combines two of your favorite activities and kills some time during commercials on Speed TV. Strategically select a book matching your reading level and favorite driver.
All the drivers love you and want to tell you all about themselves. They offer tales of redemption while turning left and evading income taxes. It's all good.
Extra Item: White T-shirts
If you frequent a dirt track more than zero times you will get some of the track on you. You will be digging it out of every crevice and washing it out of your clothes for quite a while.You don't need to be anywhere near the track: we're not suggesting that you put your lawn chair on the 3rd turn or tent-camp in the infield. Insidious dirt travels extremely well and will find you even if you're hiding in the concession lines.
Look online for specially prepared garments.The white T-shirt seems to be specifically engineered to stand up to dust clouds spewed from 35 trucks clustered together at over 90 mph.
When the green flag drops, be prepared with one several white t-shirts to protect your upper torso. You can iron on the logos of your favorite drivers and sponsors. White goes with anything, including high speed dirt.
Attend NASCAR events and be prepared. Stock up on these specially selected and manually described items before race day.