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7 Clever Ways To Avoid Going To Work...Believe...??!

Updated on August 26, 2011

Avoiding the workplace where you have to work 7 clever top tips honest?!

For all of us who have a regular job that is duller than a grey persons nuts, we all have them brilliant notions of taking the usual sick day off here and there throughout the year, which is fine, but what about once a week or once a month. You sure can't say you're sick on all of them can you?

Here are 7 idiotic ways to avoid going to work, and by idiotic I mean they may not work, but trying is equal effort and being a cheeky bastard is what life is all about!

Number one - The dog ate my homework!

The classic of old school traditions "where is your homework?" the teacher asks, the dog ate it is the reply, but go one further and say the dog has developed complications and you had to go to the vets to get the dogs stomach amputated or something - warning this will only work if you actually take your work home with you, such as an office assistant typing up some papers.

Always follow through with the lie and stick to what you have said...

Number two - I Won't be in work today I have an enraged monkey trashing the house

This has happened to me on a few occasions so it could happen to others without warning. The monkey probably infected with the rage virus started to trash the house and he's holding my grandma hostage....Oh no I'll have to go now he's COMING FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEE...AARRRGGGHHHHUURRKK!

Try to work a bit of acting in here because you don't want to give the game away that you just want the day off or else it won't work.

Number three - Hi boss remember I've got the day off today!!

Ring in on the day, when you know your boss is busy and totally get in there with a blunt - remember I already booked today off so I'll see you tommorrow, it's always worth a try because the boss is a twat!!

When the boss starts to query your day off just hang up the phone...the day is yours! When you see your boss the next day just laugh in his face!

Number four - A Dummy Diversion

The night before you want a day off, make a dummy that looks and dresses like you do ( yes put your clothes on a dummy, not a real dummy or the damn dummy will blow your cover dammit!!) and place it in your chair, your spot at work or wherever you do your main work, paint a nice smile on the dummy and leave him there, he won't do any of your work because it's a dummy but neither do you anyway so what's the difference.

Number five - Bomb Scare at work

You have phone in an anonymous tip off that Alkiseltzer has planted a bomb at your place of work and let the police search the whole building for most of the day, while you go fishing and catch yourself a fat one!!

Talk to the fish too as they may have more tips that I cannot give for avoiding going in to work.

Number six - Go in early and pretend to be stressed

Go into work 10 minutes early and look stressed, complain to everyone that you look stressed and ask to go home, only say short things that come to mind like "they have her", "the money's gone" or that old classic "aliens stole my cat!"

The more convincing you appear stressed the quicker you go home and put your feet up, watch a bit of tv, play on the playstation - beat your own high scores and have a few cans of beer!

Number seven - Put laxatives in all of your work collegues drinks

Or better yet in the drinks machine...all the drinks should do the trick, then wait until the first morning break before you ring in and say you have the runs. You could say I tried to ring but I had to drain my cheeks for a full hour!!

Everyone having the runs = something must be going around. Damn stomach bug!

If you want to try these top tips then you are welcome to do so, just remember if they do work, then just think about the clever person who wrote all this and I await your kudo's and thank you comments in the comments box provided.

Good most certainly won't need it!


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    • Insane Mundane profile image

      Insane Mundane 6 years ago from Earth

      The excuse Number 6, in your hub about "clever ways to avoid going to work," was the only one to me that seemed at least semi-logical. I mean really, nowadays, the lazy, lethargic, lifeless lunatics almost always get their way. Oh, scratch that last comment, as they don't need excuses if they live in America (USA) because welfare will gladly snatch them up from the workforce and wrap them in a nice warm blanket via low-middle class working stiff's tax money; cheers! I hope the U.K. has a better employment rate than us, but I don't know... How's your end of the spectrum, outside of typing poppycock online for easy greenbacks? :D

    • waynet profile image

      Wayne Tully 6 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

      cheers now! I researched for hours on how to scive work....

    • vasantha  T k profile image

      vasantha T k 6 years ago from Bangalore

      Nice funny hub enjoyed it .Voted up. Best wishes

    • Xenonlit profile image

      Xenonlit 6 years ago

      Good grief! I may have used some of those!

    • waynet profile image

      Wayne Tully 6 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

      Cheers now Thanks!

    • htodd profile image

      htodd 6 years ago from United States

      Great post..Thanks

    • htodd profile image

      htodd 6 years ago from United States

      Great post...Thanks a lot

    • waynet profile image

      Wayne Tully 7 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

      Lol....ha ok...!

    • eaglemapping profile image

      eaglemapping 7 years ago

      Wow, after #7, not accepting anything from you - -no thanks :(

    • waynet profile image

      Wayne Tully 7 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

      I like the stressed one it seems to work every time.

    • LeanMan profile image

      Tony 7 years ago from At the Gemba

      I'm thinking of trying the bomb scare tip but I'm in saudi arabia.... The police blocked both ends of my street, there was a bad accident in the road has worked several times here for me when I have decided I needed a lie in bed instead of starting early..

    • waynet profile image

      Wayne Tully 7 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

      Yeah cheers I've done this one too and it worked,so try it!

    • profile image

      Audrevea 7 years ago

      Number 3 would totally work! They never remember that stuff

    • waynet profile image

      Wayne Tully 8 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

      Cheers morewrite!

      Yes the bomb scare one would be a good idea!!!

    • morewrite profile image

      morewrite 8 years ago

      very funny page... hence, you may want to lay off the bomb scare at work, I don't think this would fly too well for yourself as well as others. You may find yourself in jail and others may be so scared that they may suffer a heart attack. great hub.

    • waynet profile image

      Wayne Tully 8 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

      Cheers I may have another serious hubpage out soon!

    • Luciendasky profile image

      Luciendasky 8 years ago from Florence, OR


    • katie51566 profile image

      katie51566 8 years ago

      haha I love it!

    • waynet profile image

      Wayne Tully 8 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

      Thanks Susan! It was a change to write something not so serious!

    • Susan Ng profile image

      Susan Ng Yu 8 years ago

      This was a laugh! :D A very entertaining read indeed. :P

    • profile image

      TheGuyFromThere 9 years ago

      I strongly suggest taking a thorough look at Romanian humor before finding yourselves shallowly ammused by feeble attempts such as these. For example, some romanian humor:

      Georgeasca (name) came to work one day and told her female workmates:- Girls, I get in bed last night with my man, for some... you know, I touch his balls and damn ! They were cold as ice !Next day, Ioneasca also confesses:- Girls, I also got in bed with my husband and when I touched his balls they were also as cold as ice.Third day, Popeasca comes in, beaten to a pulp, black eye, broken arm, the works.- What in the world happened to you? - asked the other two.- Well, night comes, I get in bed, husband's there, I reach for his balls... they were damn hot, like cinder. I ask him: Dear, how come your balls are hot, when Ionescu's and Popescu's are cold as ice?

      A guy in the grocery.The grocer asks: - How may I help you ?_ Two kilos of potatoes, but each potatoe wrapped separately.The grocer's face goes red, but he complies._ Anything else ?_ One Kilo of oranges, also wrapped individually.The grocer's face goes black, but he complies.The guy stretches his neck to look around the grocery and askes:_ That black thing over there ?_ Poppy, you dumb idiot, but it ain't for sale !

    • waynet profile image

      Wayne Tully 9 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

      I remember once misty when I had food poisoning all weekend and I rang in work on the Monday and the manager just laughed at me and said get your arse into to work, so I dragged myself in and threw up everywhere and pebble dashed the toilet pot...Damn managers, no wonder I want to work from home full time now!!

    • goldentoad profile image

      goldentoad 9 years ago from Free and running....

      No matter the excuse, the boss will never believe you. However, if you can get away with number 7, it would make a great but very twisted story.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 9 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      I phoned into work once with a truly genuine excuse. I was locked in my own house. I know it sounds crazy but the yale lock on my front door jammed, and all the windows were double glazed and too small to climb out of. God knows what I would have done if it had been a fire or something, probably fried!!

    • waynet profile image

      Wayne Tully 9 years ago from Hull City United Kingdom

      I know they won't work but some doughnut might try at least one of them. Hahahahaha!!

      I thought I'd do a non serious hub for a change, just to be different!!

    • kpfingaz profile image

      kpfingaz 9 years ago from ~~~

      No!!! These are hilarious. I could only imagine doing these. They would never work. I like #3 though.