Answers Not to Give During a Job Interview

sitting across from the Human Resources manager anticipating the moment when he says, "You are hired," and go to work at a job you have dreamed of since high school.

Before "Mr. Standsill," the HR manager gets to talk to you, you have time to enjoy a few personal reflections of your time in high school and college--daydreaming of "this" day. And what a day it is going to be.

All of your close friends and family are planning a victory party in your honor for being hired at one of the country's most-prestigious companies. Your life is going to change for the better in a few more seconds.

Then it will be money in the bank, new cars, a fine home, nice clothes, and the respect from friends and family that you have worked to get.

Then, from the next moment on, when "Mr. Standsill," the HR manager walks in and shakes your hand, something goes terribly wrong.

• You feel funny
• Sweat suddenly appears in your palms
  
• Your throat gets as dry as the Gobi Dessert
  
• You get frightfully-dizzy
  
• "Mr. Standsill," doesn't notice your sudden problems

You still have to answer his questions and pray that you do not say something asinine.

MR. STANDSILL: Okay, uhhh, Mr. Rogers, or is it, Kent? May I call you Kent? I have these few questions I need to ask you and maybe we can zip through them and you can proceed to the Personnel Office and start filling-out your paperwork. You know that "Uncle Sam," requires that paperwork Ha, Ha.

YOU: Ha, ha. Good one, Mr. Stand Still, oops, I mean Stand, uhh, up. I am so sorry. I'm so nervous. Forgive me.

MR. STANDSILL: Quite alright. I was sitting where you are a number of years ago, and like you, the nerves tried to fight me, but being an old Army man, I charged on and got the job.

YOU: You played football for Army?

MR. STANDSILL: No, Kent! The United States Army.(clears throat) Now let's get started with these questions. Oh, and Kent, think carefully how you answer. Okay. Here we go,

"Do you condone the use of, or do you personally use tobacco in any form?"

YOU: Wow, a toughie. Uhhh, well now, I cannot say that I like "condoms," but you know how wives are, haw, haw. Oh, tobacco. Uhh, well, I do not smoke those nasty cigarettes.

MR. STANDSILL: Great, Kent. Glad to know that another non-smoker will be working on my team.

YOU: Errr, now I have to be honest--the big sign on the wall says to "be honest," so I am. I do NOT smoke cigarettes, but I love to dip smokeless tobacco. And I mean every hour of the day. I wish I had a dip right now. Don't worry, Mr. Stanley, I will not be producing second-hand dope, I mean smoke.

(Mr. Standsill frowns and writes a comment down on your interview paperwork.)

MR. STANDSILL: Now then. Maybe you will do better with this one. "If you see a coworker stealing a handful of paper clips and ink pens each day, would you . . .A. turn him in B. Say nothing or C. Talk to him about it being wrong to steal from the company?

YOU: Well, that is a hard one. Hmmm. Well, I am no snitch, and if I see it, I have it on my mind. Oh, by the way, Mr. Standsill, how big is this thief?

MR. STANDSILL: What? Who? The man stealing? Oh, I guess about 180 pounds and six foot two inches tall.

YOU: Well, there you go. I wouldn't squeal on him and get my butt kicked. What am I, a fool? I would just do my work and when he sees me looking at him fill his pockets with paper clips and pens, I would wink at him and make him feel guilty. Was that a good answer?

MR. STANDSILL: Now listen, Kent. If you do not do better on the rest of these important questions, I am afraid that this interview is over.

YOU: I am really sorry, Mr. Standsick, uhhh, I have never been in a building as big as this one and it is kinda intimidating, so please bear with me.

MR. STANDSILL: Very well. Next question. "If you know that your supervisor is having an illicit affair with a female employee in your department, would you turn him in?

YOU: Well, I see this situation like this. If they are not slowing-down production, then they can have all the sex they want as long as they do not do it on the assembly line. Why are you looking so angry, Mr. Standdown?

MR. STANDSILL: Kent! Think! This adulterer is your boss and the woman is your assistant manager. How can you sit there and condone this type of bad morals in the workplace?

YOU: I already told you I do not like condoms, and if the gal is hot, well, what man wouldn't like to be a few days of hot passion and secret love? Uhh, was that a trick question?

MR. STANDSILL: Kent! How did you even get in here? I would love to know that!

YOU: Well, uhhh, I drove from home nearly to your front gate. Then my best buddy, "Alfred Newberry," who said he worked here, met me on the other side of the gate and that nice policeman in the little booth was kinda upset at me wanting to get in here, but I told him I was here to see you and he was real friendly. Well, then "Alfred," walked the rest of the way with me for he was on break and he showed me how to get to this office because he didn't want me to get lost for I am taking him home after his shift is over.

MR. STANDSILL: Kent, why did you apply for the Product Quality Manager?

YOU: Do whhhaaatt? Product Quail, Manger, uhh, Manager? No, sir. Nothing of the sort.

MR. STANDSILL: Whattt? Kent, what did you apply for?

YOU: Ohhh, I can answer this one. I was applying for your assistant!

So what if you and "Alfred" aren't friends anymore.

And this job flipping burgers at "Jim Bob's Burger Palace," you'll get the hang of it one day.