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Easy and Peaceful Ways to Defend Yourself Against Solicitors

Updated on April 23, 2014
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Another look at solicitors

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Sometimes, even the most-patient person can be pushed too far. Life has those moments that if they happen in a continuous sequence, can cause a rational person to lose their temper, go from calm to a raging manic and even worse, shout vulgar threats to the origin of the pressure.

Every one of you who are reading this story has at sometime, had to use firm actions to regain your freedom and peace of mind. Am I right or wrong?

I would be safe in saying that the vast-majority of us have been visited by those unwanted solicitors who are selling some “new” and “money-saving,” apparatus that will eliminate housework altogether or a series of religious-based books written by some mortal man in 1779 who was met by an angel in the Rocky Mountains and given the enlightened-text in these books that go for only $54.00 per month for 36 months.

SECRET SALES STRATEGIES REVEALED: Which sounds longer, 36 months or 3 years? Of course the 36 months to our reasoning sounds less than 3 years.

And the $54.00 a month, which the salesman quickly says (to head-off you having time to think), is a “severe discount,” and the salesman then gets a fake disappointed look on his face and adds, “Friend, I am taking a huge loss on these books at this price.”

Now you are foaming at the mouth—groping for the pen in his shirt pocket to sign the sales agreement, shaking “Howard” the salesman’s hand and inviting him to have dinner with you and the wife.

Did you hear that, “Cha-Ching,” the familiar sound of a cash register?

Well, I am on your side. I am here to help you keep your freedom and peace of mind by simply offering you these . . .

10 Safe and Peaceful Ways to Defend Yourself Against Solicitors

10.) ACT SCARED – as if the salesman is an escaped gorilla from a traveling circus. Only peep through the door, then look terrified and slam the door. So long to the annoying solicitor.

9.) CROSS YOUR ARMS – and do not say one word. Keep that angry frown on your face. Do not answer his aggravating questions. Soon, after you crack your knuckles, he will leave in a cloud of dust.

8.) OPEN YOUR DOOR – wearing your wife’s bra. That should be enough to send the solicitor packing.

7.) YELL – “Take cover,” as you open the door, and run like a wild man across your lawn and deep into your neighborhood. Tell your wife and kids to not come out of the bedrooms until the solicitor leaves.

6.) LET THE SOLICITOR – finish his sales pitch, then grin and reply, “Sorry, mister. I do not even live here and listen to me. You don’t know me. You didn’t see anything.”

5.) MEET THE SOLICITOR – at the door wearing a gorilla suit. Beat your chest, act angry, and start walking toward him. But try hard not to laugh as he squeals his tires as he storms out of your drive-way.

4.) BEFORE ANY SOLICITOR – knocks on your door, learn a few Portuguese words. No matter what the solicitor says, you reply something in Portuguese while shrugging your shoulders. The solicitor will not stay when he sees he cannot sell you anything. And even if he is of Portuguese origin, keep on confusing him with your Portuguese replies and shoulder-shrugs.

3.) HOLD YOUR PET BASSET HOUND – in your arms and when the solicitor asks you if you are interested in his product, act like you are whispering to your pet Basset Hound and shake your head and say, “Sorry. ‘Mr. Busby,’ advises me not to buy those things.”

2.) PUT UP A NEON – sign on the front lawn that flashes, “No Solicitors At Anytime”

1.)ASK THE PUSHY SOLICITOR – “You want me to call the F.B.I.?” And stand there. Do not say another word. He might call you a few ugly names as he leaves, but he is leaving.

Now that you have read my story, could I interest you in some “Easy Tips on How to Write Hilarious Hubs,” like this one?

Even religious solicitors can be annoying

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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear April,

      Thanks for your interesting comment. You and your toddler avoided being sold a new and improved astroturf that is used in the NFL and for a riciculously-low price of only $59.99 per month for 66 months. Tell your toddler for me, nice going!

      And thank you, dear April, for the comment and visit. Come back often.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Sheila,

      Thank you very much for loving this one. I could resign Hubs now and be happy.

      Thanks again for your comment and if solicitors come to your house, please use one of these tips.

      Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, tirelesstraveler,

      Nice to read you again. As for feeding them to the dogs, no, because the dogs I know all prefer Purina or AIMS instead of solicitor on a stick.

      Thanks for your comment. LOL. Loved it.

    • April Garner profile image

      April Garner 

      4 years ago from Austin, Texas

      That was funny! I get tired of solicitors acting put out when I refuse to listen to their pitch. I know they're human, and it's their job, but they're on my porch dammit, wasting my time! I once answered the door with my toddler, half naked, standing next to me. The young solicitor was so flustered, he excused himself rather quickly. Thanks for the light-hearted look at one of life's bigger annoyances.

    • profile image

      sheilamyers 

      4 years ago

      ROFL @ Kenneth! I love that one!

    • tirelesstraveler profile image

      Judy Specht 

      4 years ago from California

      Snicker, Snicker. Feed them to the dogs.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Sheila,

      Thank you so very much about the hilarious choice. I wish HP would put a "LOVE" or "ADMIRE" in those voting slots myself. I am a cat person too. I have five whom I love very much.

      But if you are visited by a solicictor, here is one that is not in the hub: Run from your door and meet the salesman halfway, but quickly say, "If I were you, I would get in my car and leave. I hear that the person living there is nuts and has been known to do some nutty things, so take my advice and go," he or she will never know that it is you who lives at your house, and do not give them time to ask any questions.

      Thank you, dear Sheila.

      Your friend, Kenneth, amateur hermit

    • profile image

      sheilamyers 

      4 years ago

      I wish "hilarious" was one of the choices, but I had to choose "funny". I don't have a basset hound, but I'll try that tactic using my cat. I think that would scare him away more quickly because every knows about us "crazy cat women". In reality, what works for me is if they try to sell me something, I tell them to wait, go get my latest novel, and then tell them I don't need whatever they're selling, but I know they just can't live without buying and reading my book.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      mgt28,

      Sorry for your going down. I know what you are feeling.

      Yes, friend, solicitors are very real and some are so pushy that you are afraid not to buy whatever they are selling.

      Thanks so much for the comment.

    • mgt28 profile image

      mgt28 

      4 years ago

      Thank you for this informative guide. I wish I had read this before. I went down a bit last year.

      I will spare you the details but it was really bad. Solicitors are very real and readers must treat this not as a comic but a life advice. Some can be co-workers or family friends.

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