Small Talk - Is it Important Conversation?
Small talk, a phenomenon technically referred to as phatic communication - a conversation for the sake of conversation, discussions on items and subjects that seem to be apparent and observable. It’s more that just talking about the inane, it’s really the glue that holds any conversation or relationship together.
Think of it this way, your boss, someone from corporate, a professor, why are they so intimidating? Perhaps they are not engaging in ‘small talk’ – small talk makes us comfortable, helps us gauge where we sit with a person, it even acts as a way to ease someone into doing something they would normally say no to.
Some may say that small talk helped them to succeed in the business world, schmoozing the way to the top in a sense. A Study by the Stanford School of Business concluded that: “The ability for a group of MBA students to succeed 10 years after graduation was not necessarily their grade point average, but their ability to converse with others.”
Engaging in small talk is not for ‘small people’, in fact, those most successful in their areas of expertise are considered fluent users of phatic communication. Sure some may find it annoying or unnecessary, but often times those who feel so are the first to comment on someone’s Facebook Status, which is by the way – small talk.
What are the nuts and bolts to small talk, what is the purpose? It can be broken down like this:
1. At the beginning of a conversation
When the talkers do not know each other, it allows them to show that they have friendly intentions and desire some sort of positive interaction. In a business meeting, it enables people to establish each other's reputation and level of expertise. Where there is already a relationship between the two talkers, their small talk serves as a gentle introduction before engaging in more functional topics of conversation. It allows them to signal their own mood and to sense the mood of the other person.
2. At the end of a conversation
Suddenly ending an exchange may risk appearing to reject the other person. Small talk can be used to mitigate that rejection, affirm the relationship between the two people, and soften the parting.
3. As a space filler to avoid silence
In many cultures, silences between two people are usually considered uncomfortable. Tension can be reduced by starting phatic talk until a more substantial subject arises. Generally, humans find prolonged silence uncomfortable, and sometimes unbearable. This can be due to human evolutionary history as a social species, as in many other social animals silence is a communicative sign of potential danger[1]
The topics of small talk are not of great importance, the topics themselves can range from anything “under the sun” - Sports, dating, movies, the weather or the commute, rather it’s the function of small talk that is of Importance - as seen in the examples above.
Here is where it gets sticky, the altering force if you were, and the differences by gender. Why is it that most people feel they have no ability in small talk and why do they avoid it?
It could be as simple as not having interest in the topic, lack of knowledge in the topic, or it could be that he is a boy and you are a girl or vice verse.
Most men have little to no interest in the comments and ranting and raving about what each other is wearing – as women are with the random put downs, insults, or aggressive nature behind what the men are talking about, plus sports? Forget about it!
Think about any movie scene where couples get together in the 1950’s, the women go ‘over there’ and talk about cutesy stuff and comment on each others dresses - and the men stay ‘right here’ while pushing and shoving and putting each other down. It’s no different in the real world, by any means.
Small talk is a skill, not only that, a learned skill as well. Instead of disengaging or avoiding small talk and wondering why no one likes you, join in the conversation. Give it a little time and practice and you will find yourself the ‘talk of the party’, and who knows? Perhaps the Teachers Pet or the Bosses “go to” is in your future – If that doesn’t interest you then how about gaining the mutual respect of a stranger or colleague, because who knows? You may be missing out on more than you ever thought.
References:
[1] Joseph Jordania. “Times to fight and times to relax: Singing and humming at the beginning of Human evolutionary history”. Kadmos 1, 2009: 272-277
